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Jan 1 · 148
show biz
Kora Sani Jan 1
i’m not really familiar with that feeling
“happiness” you call it?
what is that and what does it really mean?

i know whatever it is,
i fake it all too well
makes me wonder
how many of you are good fakers too
Oct 2020 · 225
to be alone
Kora Sani Oct 2020
sometimes
a touch suffocates me

it builds upon the barricade
that separates me from myself  
& myself from sovereignty

other times, it's a quaint reminder
that (un)loneliness is there
if i want it
Jun 2020 · 378
hear me
Kora Sani Jun 2020
-they- come in waves
dark shadows
among the daylight

haven't they been
drenched in the darkness for long enough?

armed with egos and weapons
first -they- stand in front of you
then -they- plow through you

a moronic display
of the truth that they’re screaming
Feb 2020 · 361
caustic touch
Kora Sani Feb 2020
i've felt your arms around me before;
many times at that,
only pulling you close
when i was afraid that you'd leave

but only once or twice
would i call it a hug
and it's not because i didn't want to,
believe me, i did
but the touch of another human
startles me most,
when i see that it's coming

allowing myself
to be intertwined in another's arms
sends my body into a battle with euphoria
having to decide;
am i trapped
or am i free
Jan 2020 · 251
red
Kora Sani Jan 2020
red
you’re trailing behind me
like the past, it’s haunting me
unbeknownst to me
i was being watched
separated by two feet;
space and your resistance
that’s what’s keeping you from me
but you know where I go
when i need a clear head
giving into the resistance
you show up in red;
red so i can see you
no matter how far i go
some kind of game you play
so you don’t lose hope
this may all just be a delusion
that’s how it usually goes
maybe i’m the crazy one
but who really knows?
Jan 2020 · 1.1k
light
Kora Sani Jan 2020
i feel the most like myself
when it's just me and four walls;
red rivers in my eyes,
getting lost in a cavern of thoughts

nobody's here but me;
i invite them, though
and i understand when they don't want to enter
because it's cold and dark in here;
you need a flashlight just to see what's right in front of you

but i've avoided these pillars of light
for ages it seems
because when i introduce light to the darkness
all i can see is desolation

i've tried to reject this reality,
to find a new normal
getting so close
but always being turned away
almost like i'm not meant to have happiness

or maybe i just can't handle the light
Sep 2019 · 158
to be continued
Kora Sani Sep 2019
people seem to forget
how tiring it is;
telling your story from the beginning,
reliving all those moments;
even the ones you forgot
but still carry with you
so many hours to invest
just to bring a stranger up to date,
so they can understand why you are
the way you are
and why you fear
the things you fear
Aug 2019 · 177
crowded spaces
Kora Sani Aug 2019
i’ve always had an aversion to crowded spaces
it's not something i enjoy
and how can i
when my mind is crowded too

the more people that surround me,
the more i’m aware i exist

eyes meet mine and watch me as i move
i look away after that
so their hands can’t hurt me
and their hearts can’t love me

i fall back into the shadows
leaving one crowd, for another
self-sabotage, they call it
having no intention to change

always between two fires
getting burned either way
Aug 2019 · 487
i shall remain
Kora Sani Aug 2019
how
can i find
my way
out of your arms
when
your eyes
are asking me
to stay
Aug 2019 · 180
hiraeth
Kora Sani Aug 2019
i let my hair down for you
because that's how you like it
tousled in my face
imitating life's chaos
a chaos we cling to
because we don't know any different

still telling ourselves
that we crave stability
but we know how the story goes
seeking comfort
loathing change
forgetting that our comfort lies in pain

imposters we've become
pawns in our own game
having yet to learn
that bliss only follows
those who let go

enduring a new kind of angst
but only for a moment
then letting it pass
and living to adore it
Aug 2019 · 195
white flag
Kora Sani Aug 2019
i found the white flag you gave me
hidden in the trash
that's where i put it
just a few years ago

it was still packaged nicely
folded at every crease
it's such an eloquent way
to admit defeat

it's color was bright
and plain as can be
filled with nothingness
just like you thought of we

holding it in my hands,
you tell me to surrender
but that i can't do
for i'd be a pretender
Jul 2019 · 163
lower case only
Kora Sani Jul 2019
i started writing in all lower case
because capital letters were too much
too heavy
and too proper

marking the start of a thought
that's what they're supposed to do
but when i think about emotion
and conveying what's in my mind
there's no clear beginning
and never an end either

these words are just as they are
they manifest my thoughts
at least to some degree
and they showcase my emotion
in this moment at least

i want to use these words
these symbols of life
just how i picture them
and just how i feel them

maybe you see it differently
and i would expect that much
because if we all had the same mind
i don't think we'd crave each other's touch
Jul 2019 · 407
futile warfare
Kora Sani Jul 2019
we can be at the same places
at the same times
but no two people
will ever experience it the same
one mind sees chaos
another is at peace
one sees growth
another is dormant
which one sees clearly;
if either at all?
perhaps both only live in a cloud of obscurity
each guarded in their own way
too close to see actuality
& embroiling what is simple
nevertheless
they choose to walk away
at odds with themselves & the world as they see it
Jul 2019 · 664
survivor
Kora Sani Jul 2019
i used to reject that term;
"survivor"
because it wasn't enough.
i didn't feel like i survived
even though all my bones
were still in place
and my mouth could still smile

"survivor" wasn't enough
when the person i was
and should've been
didn't survive
but instead
walked away
and left me alone

there was a moment in time
where i told myself
that despite all these thoughts
i would become a survivor
like everyone told me to;
that i would make the conscious decision
to find myself again;
to return to who i was
and how i felt before that day

i would soon learn
that just because my body is not shattered
doesn't mean the remnants of my nourished mind
weren't doing any damage

every day
i survive
and every day
i choose to continue

so now it's time to make a friend;
to learn the new person
i had no choice but to become;
the person i had been suppressing for so long
Kora Sani Jul 2019
we gravitate towards pretty things;
butterflies
and flowers,
but the ugly things
we hate
ants and beetles,
all insects alike
but we are quick to fling them away
killing them with one stomp
but when a butterfly lands on our shoulder
we take it as good luck

if the world didn't teach us
that we have to be pretty
if we want to be loved
would we still be petrified
of the creatures that surround us?
Jul 2019 · 172
i can't help but wonder
Kora Sani Jul 2019
i can't help but wonder,
how many times i've been here before.
saying the same words,
while sitting on the same bed

each time was supposed to be the last

i can't help but wonder,
why you do the things you do.
sometimes you tell me to go,
other times i'm supposed to stay

and i can't help but wonder,
what's in it for you?

we don't kiss
anymore
and i don't feel love
anymore

you keep me close
but never close enough
and
you speak words
without saying much of anything at all

so, i can't help but wonder,
when will i sit on this bed for the last time?
and when will i believe these words that i say?
Jul 2019 · 131
please take off my mask
Kora Sani Jul 2019
it's always strange to me
when people are surprised that i cry;
that i feel

my body is seen
as an exuberant being
i must hide it so well;
the war in my mind

in quiet moments
i spend hours
searching for
reasons to love myself
because most of the time
self-love
just seems so foreign
Jul 2019 · 372
don't gatekeep love
Kora Sani Jul 2019
they lie to you
when they say
you have to love yourself
before you can be loved
by others

you are worthy
of love
even if
clouds
obscure your view,
& even when
demons
tell you otherwise
Jul 2019 · 277
vacancy
Kora Sani Jul 2019
it's such a strange feeling
to feel nothing at all

my soul was left deserted
but it's just my own downfall

i still laugh
and cry
still smile
and frown

that's just second nature
it's what you're supposed to do

but reacting to the world around us
doesn't make us any more alive
than the rain outside a window
can be interpreted as god's cry
Jul 2019 · 262
be still
Kora Sani Jul 2019
don't say
that you're
leaving
even if
you think
you have
to go
Jun 2019 · 730
what we leave behind
Kora Sani Jun 2019
it is ok
if i can't let you go
all at once

little by little
i will
misplace your pieces

until all that remains
is the stencil
of where you used to lie
Jun 2019 · 170
misconception
Kora Sani Jun 2019
i thought
i was
moving
forward
but it was
just the world
moving
around me
Jun 2019 · 311
& Beyond
Kora Sani Jun 2019
.
.
25
26

27 drafts of unfinished thoughts

27 times I couldn't get the words right

27  visits to compartmentalized sectors of the brain

27 emotions much too painful to feel all at once

at least 100 more times i will revisit

28
29
.
.

Apr 2019 · 567
digging my own grave
Kora Sani Apr 2019
you weave
my words
into a noose
around your neck

i watch
from below
as you take
your last step
Apr 2019 · 250
push
Kora Sani Apr 2019
so much to say
feels like there's too much on my plate
i look down to find those I've abandoned
no longer there

this vacancy sits atop of me
scolding my wrongdoings

this plate is as empty as I've let it become
my stomach still crowded
from all the pills that I've swallowed

i know i am the fool of my own ways
telling everyone there's too much
when i can't say i don't feel enough

you know it's a lie

somehow i feel everything
every absence protrudes in my mind
closing the door before i give you a chance to enter
then complain like i do
that i' m always alone

you walk towards me
i run in the other direction
your speed will never match mine
the distance will grow
and you'll probably never know
that i have a love just for you
and i want you to have it
but it's unsafe to enter

i will repeat this pattern
until the inevitable end
my plate will surely be empty
though I won't have to pretend
Apr 2019 · 566
Unnamed Driver
Kora Sani Apr 2019
I still look for you in every truck that passes.

6 months and still no sign that you continue to exist in this world
in something more than my memory.

Did anyone ever tell you I was back in town?
Have you gone searching for me?
Do you know what you've done?

You don't know the risk that I take
every time I leave my house.
Preparing to succumb
to a numbness of flashbacks.
Still hoping that our lives
do not cross paths again.

But I'm ready,
nonetheless,
to plot my escape.
If ever we are boxed in;
in gas stations or supermarkets
in dog parks or local bars.
The bright red lights of each exit sign;
embedded into my memory.
They are the light at the end of a sunless journey.

My plans aren't guaranteed, though
because I don't know what I'd do
if I were to ever see your face again.
I think that'd I run.

It wasn't until today; 6 months later,
that I wondered why I've been looking
for the person that frightens me the most.

So I won't look at the trucks that I pass as I drive.

I don't care if you're in them.
Just an average day living with PTSD.
Apr 2019 · 639
to hell with our rights
Kora Sani Apr 2019
if heart cells have formed
you take away our rights
you take control of our bodies
though what’s inside
is smaller than a grain of rice

neglected by the ones
who claim they’re pro life
they must be mistaken
there’s no sympathy in sight

to hell with the poor
and those seeking asylum
to hell with healthcare
that’s not a god given right
and to the lives taken
at the hands of a gun
thoughts and prayers to you
i’ll continue to have my fun

why don’t you say it to our face
we mean nothing to you
you simply love control
but that, we already knew
Apr 2019 · 269
home
Kora Sani Apr 2019
there was a time
when i called this place home
onward and upward
a steady stride kept

i was blindly unaware
that this 'home' was not safe

had it been,
it wouldn't feel
so unfamiliar now

this is what happens
when forward is the only direction you know
never in one place long enough
to know what home is

i'm stagnant now
moving in no direction
learning only
what home is not

it's not where my head lies
not where my past lives
only somewhere in the future
i'll find what home is
Mar 2019 · 249
divergent
Kora Sani Mar 2019
the same water
that burns me to oblivion,
restores my aching bones
the same hands that
strangle my neck,
caress me when my eyes close
the same body
that once was a stranger,
now feels like home
Feb 2019 · 2.5k
this poem won't help you
Kora Sani Feb 2019
i want to write
but the words aren't coming

i'm feeling trapped
by my mind's inability
to translate my emotions
to letters with meaning

i write to understand
why i feel the way i do
i am the doctor
of my own thoughts

but if i cannot write
then i cannot understand
& if i cannot understand
then i cannot diagnose

so here i sit
with the same confusion
i began with

some words written before me
as useless as they come
accomplishing nothing
begging for everything
Kora Sani Feb 2019
you gifted me
a blanket of sadness;            

still i shiver              
            
slowly, but surely
i become devoid of emotion

i perform a smile
here & there when i need to

it's enough to get by

but it's still lonely here,
sitting next to you

your eyes meet mine
& now we both know
though we pretend not to see,
our future is clear

we will meet again one day
for now, it's goodbye

i'll keep this blanket you gave me
if ever you should need it
but it's tucked away now
beneath the base of my bed

it's not easy for me
to watch the past die
but i still hold on
though a loose grip, indeed

in time i will let go
for what will be, cannot be
if what was, still is
Feb 2019 · 311
my (Dear,) anxiety
Kora Sani Feb 2019
my anxiety
is talking
raising its voice
louder than ever before
sending a message
itches
overtaking
my body
i claw at the skin
covering
my bones
there is nothing there
but i am listening to you,
anxiety
trying to tell me
something is wrong
but you must be mistaken
nothing is wrong,
anxiety
only nothing is right
so please contain yourself,
anxiety
these internal scars
are enough
i hear you,
anxiety
but i need silence,
anxiety
Feb 2019 · 159
deception
Kora Sani Feb 2019
i loved a man once
who never loved me back
i wish i could say my love was pure
it was not
i loved who you were
or maybe who i thought you to be
because the real you was now here
standing in front me

i didn't feel that love that i had so thought i would
it was in my imagination
pieced together with delusion
this is what you feared most
why you never let yourself fall
you saw right through me
and i'm sorry it took this long
it isn't simple
it's a convoluted path
but i finally got here
i hope you're ok with that
Feb 2019 · 161
11 , 11
Kora Sani Feb 2019
clocks
like everything else
are manufactured
to give meaning
to the passing world around us

the concept of time
may be nothing
but an illusion

& time
like everything else
holds no more weight
than what the human mind
allows for it

when our clocks
show the symbol
11:11
we conjure up a hope
that four 1's
side by side
may impact
what is to come

as that number echoes in a row
everything aligns
becoming pleasurable
to the mind's eye

we allow this illusion
to take precedence
for
we have nothing to lose
and
everything to gain
Feb 2019 · 394
ಠ_ಠ
Kora Sani Feb 2019
i slide my hands across the eyes on your back
their gaze pierces through me
as i stop in my tracks

i'm paralyzed
unable to look away
i'm bound by those eyes

they’re the eyes of an enemy
but also a lover

i keep returning to those eyes
the ones that destroy me

i don't seem to mind
as they watch my every move
following me here
following me there

those eyes hold a power
like i have never seen before

but how much power
do those eyes really have

when they are blind to see
that they were the ones
being followed by me
Jan 2019 · 814
infinity
Kora Sani Jan 2019
the moon
&
the ocean
remind us
that the things we know
will never
come close
to surpassing the things
that we don’t
Kora Sani Jan 2019
there have
always
been oceans
between
us
even as we
lie
in the crevice
of
each other’s
arms
Jan 2019 · 249
i feel sick today
Kora Sani Jan 2019
i feel sick today
not cold chills
or a runny nose
not body aches
or a sore throat

i feel sick today
no not in that way
it's my mind, not my body
that is beginning to stray

i feel sick today
but i can't describe it
it's cloudy for some reason
i don't recognize it

i feel sick today
but tomorrow will be better
this just happens sometimes
i’m sure it won't be forever
Jan 2019 · 1.0k
my trigger
Kora Sani Jan 2019
every time
i see a blue
pick-up truck
i flinch
even though
i know
you don't drive
one anymore
Jan 2019 · 560
i run
Kora Sani Jan 2019
every time i close my eyes,
you find me

i run

my brain is reminding me
to fear you
to hate you
to despise you

i run

i've been a stranger
to myself
lately

i run

i hate what i've become
and it's because of you

i keep running

i run away

i run and i run and i run






but
you
always
catch up
Nov 2018 · 178
the good things in life
Kora Sani Nov 2018
"You write
About darkness
And demons
Why don’t you ever
Write about the good things in life?"
Well the good things you see
Don’t make me go crazy
I only see the good
Through an altered lens
Clouds of fog obscure my view
A frigid gloom passes
Over the warmth of sunshine
Its brightness is no match
For this Alaskan winter
So I write these words
For I wish to understand
Why the darkness holds the power
And to hell with the good
Nov 2018 · 1.4k
Speak My Language
Kora Sani Nov 2018
Sometimes
A piece of art
A rhythmic beat
Or a string of words
Comes along
To connect you
To your own thoughts
An indescribable feeling  
Now pinpointed on the map of emotion
Nov 2018 · 328
A green wave
Kora Sani Nov 2018
The things we find most beautiful
Can pull us under
The waves in the ocean
The green in his eyes
Both seas full of mystery
Strokes of humanity
What lies deep beneath those waters?
A deep unknown
It’s the only time
A mystery brings comfort
And though I love the ocean
And I’m lost in his eyes
I wouldn’t dare trespass
Into the abyss of time
Nov 2018 · 246
Late I love you’s
Kora Sani Nov 2018
“I
Love
You “

Those were the words
That never left my lips

They were always there
Sitting on the edge
A daunting drop
Awaiting the ground beneath them

Those were the words  
That never came out

It didn’t feel safe

And so I’m still waiting
for a day
that will never come

But if you can hear me now
know
That I loved you yesterday
and I will love you
until there are no more
tomorrows
Oct 2018 · 1.5k
b e a u t y
Kora Sani Oct 2018
i start to think about rooftops and airplanes
it is there that we see the veins of our cities
from up above we utter their beauty
a beauty that we can't seem to utter with two feet on the ground
from higher ground we begin to understand
that we are all but small creatures
in a world of unknowns
from up above we can finally see
just how small we are
from up above
we see
possibility
Oct 2018 · 363
invitation
Kora Sani Oct 2018
there you are
sleeping in my mind again
second-guessing your presence
still hurts every now and then

a long-term visitor
overstaying your welcome
my heart was your home
now that feeling is seldom

the blame is on me
it's my fault in the end
there's no disguising that
i'm the one who invited you in
Sep 2018 · 272
Impulse
Kora Sani Sep 2018
I make these decisions
in the heat of the moment

contemplation is non-existent
my fear is my opponent

stuck in an endless cycle of trepidation
no rights or wrongs
have found themselves in this equation

but to bathe in the what ifs
would force my head under

no air to breathe
and still left to wonder

so these decisions are made
sporadic as they come

I won't be transfixed
you'll find me on the run
Sep 2018 · 1.5k
The Truth
Kora Sani Sep 2018
The truth
Can free your soul
Take back all the things
That your memories once stole

Unpack your demons
Let them disperse
Through thin air
Release of the curse

The truth
Can ignite a flame or two
Your worst nightmare
With a spectacular view

Forcing your hands
To carry the heat
Well maybe that's better
Than admitting defeat

Sometimes I lie a little
To make myself feel good
It puts a smile on my face
And that’s more than the truth could
Sep 2018 · 358
Isolation
Kora Sani Sep 2018
I don’t recall what it’s like
To feel hands intertwined with mine

Accustomed to loneliness
Staring at empty spaces
Only you can fill

Because I’d rather drown in your pain
Than breathe in the air of a lonesome body
Sep 2018 · 228
10:57
Kora Sani Sep 2018
you wrote me
into your past
it is there
i will stay
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