When I close my eyes, I see faces of people who have left.

I see smiles.
I see memories.
I see leaf piles.
I see passion.
I see small towns.
I see compassion.
I see rosy cheeks.
I see bonfires.
I see happy weeks.

When I open my eyes, I see the faces of those remaining.

I see tears.
I see decline.
I see fears.
I see locked doors.
I see alcohol.
I see unfamiliar floors.
I see red lines.
I see broken homes.
I see dark times.

The summer heat holds me today,
As I stroll and ponder my life.
The leaves are colorful as children play,
Living lives that are barren of strife.

My feet slap against the sidewalk,
Clouds roll across the blue sky.
The concrete is covered in chalk,
Birds squawk in the air as they fly.

Not all lives of children are without mayhem,
Shadows passing over even the littlest hearts.
These innocent little people are condemned
Before their lives even begin to start.

The human nature is a curious one.
Our emotions range from pure to despicable,
Some people having none,
It can be complex or predictable.

I learned many lessons as a child,
I watched a man drive his fist into my mother,
Lived a life that was so wild,
As my brother and I clung to each other.

I learned to fear alcohol as if it were alive,
Fear the drinker whose lips the poison passed through.
Years later I am picking up the pieces, as I strive,
To feel less sky blue.

Lost something along the way,
Fell off the broken path.
Struggled with being gay,
Felt the world's wrath.

All I know is living in the fire,
Feeling the heat, scalding hot;
All I know is infinite hurt,
The tears that it brought.

I am learning life is fragile,
Lest you tie it down with the strongest rope,
The winds will buffet it at all times,
Rendering it impossible to cope.

I am learning moment by moment,
In a way that is mine alone.
I am strengthening each day,
Resembling the toughest stone.

Living in the fire has taught me,
Independence is life's most valuable jewel.
To ignore that vital truth,
I would be proving myself a fool.

I have grown,
Yet people think I have fallen.
I have known,
Yet I am tired of calling.

A mere boy at twelve years of age,
I became something frightening.
A mere child who turned a nasty page,
The change struck like lightning.

I had seen abuse,
Trauma plagued me each day,
I dreamed of noose,
Thought God would make me pay.

People met my words,
I called them ******* and ******,
Mocked them as *****, geeks, and nerds,
For my mind had few doors.

My homosexuality burned within my being,
Struggling against the bonds of religion.
I did not want people to start seeing,
My ****** "sin", fragile as a caged pigeon.

I cut into my wrists,
Hoping for some truth to seep out,
Every day I encountered lists,
Of similar youth who "noped" out.

God hated me, that I believed,
He wanted me to bleed then die,
I knew not how to be relieved,
Knowing my pigeon would never fly.

But as the abused grow tired of abusers,
I became tired of God,
Whom dealt me a life of users,
A life significantly flawed.

My situation was not enough,
For the pain did not end with abuse, or cutting,
He dealt me the deaths of three I loved,
Set on the task of my gutting.

Or so I believed at the time,
When God harbored within me.
When mythology guided my climb,
When I remained unfree.

I threw off the shackles of religion,
No fictional being could **** my pigeon.
What God would put me through all that,
Then proceed to bless a sewer rat.

What God would **** children,
What God would **** children?
You do not have an answer.
Why do children die to cancer?

I will respect you,
But I will not share your belief.
Too much pain, for me and others,
It continues to daily reap.

I have grown,
Yet people think I have fallen.
I have known,
Yet I am tired of calling.

I will paint scarlet skies blue,
Until the blood fades away.
Replace the smog with grass,
Replace tears with trees that sway.

I will sing a cheerful song,
As chaos screeches into the air.
Breathe in oxygen where before
My lungs were bare.

Winter trembles on the horizon,
Afraid to return to humankind.
People hate because it's cold,
But to turn it away is to be blind.

The grasp of tragedy is powerful,
Insurmountably bonded to our lives.
Terrorizing our very dreams,
Prickling at our spines like knives.

Outstretch your hands to the snow,
Coax it into your embrace.
We have all known the cold,
We have all been to that place.

Do you know how it feels to writhe in this heat?
When you are frozen inside?
To see the lives of others continue,
While you struggle not to cry.

Equilibrium will be reached when snow is abundant,
Blanketing the ground like a flowing sheet of paper.
When the warmth recedes to another place,
When breath spills from lips like vapor.

Winter trembles on the horizon,
Afraid to return to humankind.
People hate because it's cold,
But to turn it away is to be blind.

The future has become uncertain,
A mist that weaves around my fingers;
What if that mist does not exit upon morning,
But instead settles itself and lingers?

Of course I fear the men of your future,
The ones of your past have disturbed my soul;
If that misty fear settles and proves sensible,
What things will follow, oh so reprehensible?

It seemed a long, tedious, yet clear run to freedom,
But you have wrote one more troublesome twist;
We shall see if it results in atrocity,
Terrible things to add to my list.

Silence fills this space,
Tears tickling my face.
No words leave my lips,
A beat my heart skips.

Memories flash before my eyes,
Family, love, unbreakable ties.
The world has gained weight,
When this boy met this fate.

But these memories might fix the balance,
Of having lost a boy of many talents.
I live them each day now,
Even as I question, "How?"

Love does not die.
Nor family.
It will survive
This tragedy.

Rib cages are meant to protect our hearts,
Shield them from possible danger.
I must not have received that part,
For pain has been no stranger.

I think it shriveled up,
As it met the the cruelty of life,
Met the guilt that comes with death,
The emptiness that comes with strife.

What does that make me,
To exist without a heart?
It means I am nothing,
My life has lost its art.

L** osing people.
I gniting fires.
F ailing sometimes.
E nduring forever.

Flowery words convey humanity,
Sometimes describe sanity,
Sometimes evoke vanity,
Hold no place for profanity.

But, tonight, all I can say is *******.

You are a ghost,
In this world alone.
Searching for hope,
The kind you'll never know.

You are a fool,
Someone to be abused.
You are a tool,
Stick to the rules.

You are a shadow,
You are a freak show,
Love you will never know,
Straight to hell you will go.

You are a ghost,
In this world alone.
Searching for hope,
The kind you'll never know.

Warmth has arrived,
Blissful sun rays that kiss upon skin
With the tenderness of a parent's embrace.
It starts in the tissue of my face.

It seeps a little deeper,
Pervading my infinite layers
As if it dreams of warming my soul.
However, it cannot fill the hole.

The heat has come at last,
The season has shifted from cold
To blistering, filling warm.
Yet it does not end my storm.

I see the sunrise every day,
But then the darkness takes it away.
I'm not allowed good things,
Sorrow is what life brings.

Hoping for new days, new ways,
To breathe.
Seeing possibilities, what a tease,
To me.

If I could just reach them, teach them,
To respect me .
Then maybe, just maybe, I would....
Be free.

Silver boulder nestled upon the grass,
As the surface collects the sheer sunlight.
This stone retains the warmth which does not last,
While my fingers against the hard stone write.

The rock absorbs cold air upon nighttime,
Adapts to each climate it is within.
Diverse foliage surrounds all which doth chime,
Sounds of nature are to beauty akin.

I rest upon the stone, feeling the air,
A force which grasps like a warm and fond hand.
Sunlight filters through the sparse trees, so fair,
While some music cues in my head, unplanned.

This is my place—solace from all truth,
A place which does ignite my life, my youth.

Summer's wind,
It chills my ear.
Autumn's breeze,
It cools my cheek.

Things have unraveled in front of us now,
The stars hover over our heads,
Forever has become our sacred vow.

Winter's breeze,
It cools my cheek,
Spring's wind,
It chills my ear.

This life is ours to build,
We start with small bricks,
In order to live our lives fulfilled.

Wind all-year-round,
Gusts at all times,
The passage of time's bell,
Continues to chime.

Beer has a grotesque taste,
Which sneaks into the back of my throat
Once the cold liquid is against my lips.
My body shakes, I take small sips.

This is her favorite,
This is her drink of choice;
My stomach lurches when I swallow,
And regret shortly follows.

What has become of me?
I am seeking understanding of
Something entirely foreign to me,
As if it will somehow set me free

A smile is on my lips,
While a hole is in my soul;
I'll laugh for the moment,
But cry when I'm alone.

My mask is perfect,
Deceiving all who see.
They think I am content,
Cannot hear my silent plea.

If I am hurting,
You will never know.
My mask is unwavering,
Blow after blow.

We fell in love with the flames that crackled from within us,
Not understanding what we were delving into,
Nor what could happen as a result of our love.

We fell in love with the passion
That unfolded in front of us, so abstract and foreign
To our young minds.

We fell in love with each other and
Started making our way toward truly understanding
Real love in all of its glory.