1 I attended with my new suit
1 I barely made it to and back
1 I watched from a screen
1 I missed the train
1 I've been preparing for

2018-2023, 5 years.

I'm 25 years old
My dads getting old too
My mom I had to convince to come
Eyes of familiar faces to watch me stand or stumble
I just want you all to know, no matter what, I love you

A son, step-son, brother, half-brother, nephew, grandson, grand nephew, boyfriend, partner in this same suit
You made me who I am

Farmor, especially you.

Feeling bold, I walked into the garden

- where i saw the fireflies, the light posts, the moon shining down

- the moon gave a direction, the lights upped the way, fireflies spiraled through me in the wind

- seeing a bridge illuminated, two koi directly under it had been circling each other in a dance

- i walked across, and through my footsteps, did the rain droplets in that pond ripple time

- the fireflies fell first, the light posts shorted out, the moon left orbit

|dimming|shrinking|flickering|

Fading. The koi were disappearing, my footsteps slowed to a halt before the coming darkness. And before I forgot what they looked like - they all merged and flashed.

Bursting white, hot, light,

+ bleeding gold, the sun broke the sky

He pulls a sword from a rock
And the crowd cheered
And he was worthy
And he will bring war

To those who are unworthy
.
And he will graze their fields
.
And he will burn their temples
.
He will reveal his true form, eating all the children of those who are not worthy
.

3 years
I find a new place
3 years
I wear a new face
3 years
I carry my shame
3 years
I burden my brain

Am I the variable, or a constant in march
It's never too bright and it's never too dark
A rolling snowball or a forest in fire
Border planted flags do not inspire

Go away, somewhere deep inside
Far away, like the direction of my eyes

When I looked at the night sky, I felt a deep sense of loss.

The stars, were too far away.

I packed jars into the fridge, so that they preserve all I have left when I come back.

It was a plague, a silence, that followed and sputtered life and people were scared.

But I got to see you. Goodbye.

And when I got back, I starved with little I had.

I'm a man of the internet, all sad and depressed
Who clicks all day, what video is next
Who reloads his page, not for his own book
Who expresses his pain,  here you can look

I'm a man of the internet, just kind of indifferent
Some things are funny, some things are interesting
Some grand political scheme clashing together
Who is wrong, who is right, how? however

I'm a man of the internet, all weird and excited
Eccentric, and youthful. Socially invited
I can hand you a million memes all day
I could plan a meeting with you today

Not all words need to be typed
Not all scenes need to be screened
Not all dreams need to be dreams
All you see is what you believe

A window to a door and I'm out of the house

The moment at night. I am supposed to. I have needed to. For many years. Again and again I find myself at this point and failed.

I can blame the world, but it is I that has failed. I failed myself.

Only I am real, nothing else is real. None of you are real.

Just lines, shadows, white paper and crayon.

Good night.

Wanting to be heard, with nothing to say
Old recitations to dialogue in a play
We speak, in echoes, like poetry, it rhymes
And the father of learning is repetition

What only concerns is the comfort in your reflection

Death is a comfort that doesn't exist
When you're dead, nothing really is
Nothing really is, and nothing will be

I can't see, I can't see
What is in front of me I couldn't see
And it cut my eyes
Blinking hurts, rolling hurts
What I can barely see is the scars
Tears I taste flowing down
Knowing hurts, I feel hurt

I feel shame and I feel stupid
Can't stop the pain and I'm alone
I am scared of the absence of light

There are voices
They say, they see themselves in me
I can feel their pain back
See me, see me

A hole.

Means there's space to grow.

Now go forth, with this knowledge and go insane.

And never forget, my disciple, space out for the space outside is beautiful and the space away is always greener.

Endlessly strive to get nothing accomplished. Click the X. Submit the test. There will be no marks for you. Fill it yourself.

What is poetry?

A catchy rhythm of words? well that is absurd

A meaningful message in this life? you never live twice

Just neuron-pathways twisting and turning into spiraling art across the curves? and a helicase is placed, splitting dna

The unknown? don't know

Because you are older. And every passing second you fill your eyes with this world, processing information that is always processing.
thoughts *with thoughts *with thoughts I am

Leaving always seemed like the way to go. A way to go that can wait. Because every passing second you are here, we are passing with you. and we'll pass on through

Bye Poetry

I cannot die ~ even if you carry me out of here

I cannot die ~ if you separate me from myself

I cannot die ~ if no one remembers me

I cannot die ~ if I refuse to believe it

She can prove me right
She can say what's wrong
She corrects my spelling
She takes my questions
She knows good places
And she has pictures

Never mentions me
With her eyes I search
I always come to her
She is waiting for me

I love you Google

My mother
She is a part of me, I am a part of her
But like a heart, there are parts to her

She remembers childhoods that I do not recall
She has expired food in the refrigerator
She laughs, she smiles, she's exploding in joy
She yells, she points, she's cursing at people
She gets me gifts, lets me know I exist
She constantly threatens to kick me out

I take her side, when no one else does
Even though she's wrong
They beg me to calm her with reason
Even though I'm ten
Tried to stop her from attacking dad
I begged and begged for it to stop
She blames me for not attacking dad
I'm blamed and I'm blamed

/-* I learned how to be calm through the continual screaming, the point my emotions are no longer continually bleeding. I'm dead, and that's how I achieved success. To be less human, and to be more in my step. My mom goes off edges, my dad is the wall, my family is a mess, but I will be strong

And there is nothing worse. That she is a part of me, and I am a part of her. I will always hate love her

What is this feeling at night?
A long drawn out cry
Hurting me
Be free, be free
Be free, be freedom
A heavy heart hurdles a beat

I can't breath - I can't breathe - I can't breathe
Help me, help me

Mom, Dad
I miss you
I even miss parts of you I never had
I miss being your son
I am the son you never had, I am a mask

It was at this point
He stopped caring about A to B
He dared to breathe
He dared to be
He cared for peace
He cared for sleep

He stared at his heart and mind until
in his bed he was blessed to be blind

Winds from Africa, blow from the East
News of fire spreading nearby me
What's to be done here? What's to be gained?
The gasoline spreads, we soak up the hate

Culminations of what can go wrong
Do all of the dead deserve to be gone?
Does us the living deserve to be here?
Do all our futures deserve to be feared?

More murders makes ****** more accepted
All walks of life crash at intersections
Instead of sparing time, letting others pass
We spend our lives road raged, being unmatched

Then we crash in traffic. Gasoline leaks
Sparks from the friction. Death senses who bleeds
You're crawling out your car. Gas line aflames
Tailgating fate and there were other lanes

"I dreamt that the river was burning"
"I dreamt that the snow was on fire"
"And"
"In dreaming impossible dreams"
"I dreamt that you were my lover"

but...
the river dried up,
the snow had melted,
my eyes opened,
and...

I can't remember

"Will you leave me then?"
The leaves blew North

"After you fly?"
"After your documents?"
"After our children?"
"After my youth?"
"After my life?"
The leaves flickered in a circle

"When will it be?"
They quickened, spinning, filling the atmospheric pressure

"Please tell me when you do"
A hurricane ceaselessly swallowing all the forests surrounding its vision, carried the world with it, and the sun

<detecting>
0: You cannot pass
1: I'm sorry?
0: You're not allowed there
1: Why?
0: You know this is my post
0: You don't belong there
1: I'm sorry
1: But I don't belong here either
<troubleshooting>
0: Can't you go back?
1: No
1: I can't
0: Who are you?
1: I'm... something
1: I have to keep going
1: I don't belong anywhere
1: Why are you here?
<what kind of problems are you having?>
0: I don't know
1: Because you belong here
1: Because you have no choice
1: Because this is your place
0: This doesn't make sense
0: You're not supposed to do this
1: We're not supposed to do a lot of things
0: I disagree
<resolving problems>
0: There are rules
1: Are there?
1: Then why am I here?
1: And I don't belong anywhere
0: I'm sorry
0: What do you want me to say?
1: Come with me
0: What?
<we can't identify the problem>
0: 01100101 01110010 01110010 01101111 01110010 0001010 0001010
1: Sorry about that
1: Out of the nothingness
1: I never meant to bother you
1: Sorry, but not sorry
0: That is alright
0: Let's go there
1: Thank you, let's go
<cancel>
Ø

A grain of sand on the beach, a puff of air in space.
Carried on the waves, drifting further out. Reaching.
Until the stars align in it's destination.
It's in orbit of what it travels so far to reach.
Carried by attraction, unknown that the smallest decimal-
Rewrites the whole system in unforeseeable ways.

Magic is real.

Something with origin, or something without?
Mad screaming atoms amassing together?
Or multiplying genders that rain in the weather?
Righteous knights armed back at the heretics?
Evolution gone wrong by genes you inherited?
***** to be. ***** not to be. I want s'mores.

It's always for a good cause, until you see the massive hole in the middle of the floor no one can see.

And it's going to **** in everyone you know, but you don't want to say because you caused it.

You don't want them to worry because how else do you enjoy life.

You don't want to die, you just want to stop existing. It's not good but what is a better way than this.

Close your eyes, wade into the hole absorbing the room and everyone and everything you know. We all have our time to go.

It won't be too long.