It's so strange
Knowing exactly what I'm looking for
Knowing where to find it
My satisfaction
My redemption,

But some part of me...
It wants to find out for itself
Not just follow others
Even though I am convinced
That I really do know the truth

It wants to go searching
Chasing highs
Just for a little while
Until it is certain
There is nothing better out there

I know it's lying to me
I know the solution
But it is so tempting to
Chase
I listen

Oddities of flesh
Pale and sickly
Necrotic, peeling off
Craving death so near
But if treated with care,
It will glow like fire
Radiant, vibrant
And it will be so
Impossibly beautiful
Full of vitality
Powerful
But, it must be
Treated with care

Its fingers closing around my throat
Afraid to swallow, to breathe
In case I won’t be able to...
Can’t get it out of my mind...
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
The monsters are crawling back in
They’re trying to take control
I STILL HAVE CONTROL

What is control.... control.... lol
Control has only ever brought me
MADNESS

I can’t let them see
THEY CAN’T KNOW

I can’t tell the doctor...
I DON’T WANT MORE MEDS

I’m slipping

It’s coming back.

****.

tw self harm




I hear its sweet voice in my head
Making promises
Offering deals....
A little cut to calm the nerves?
That.. that sounds reasonable...
Its voice grows louder and louder
Tempting, coaxing

I don’t want it!
I’m not doing that anymore!
I won’t do it!
I try to protest

But there’s an ache in my heart
A restless, painful void
And while I know it’s not a solution
I do know it’ll release some pressure....
Make it a little easier...
maybe? maybe I’ll try... just a bit...

I remember this
I remember the pain of sleeping on an empty stomach
The constant fear I was about to die
Eating only what I absolutely had to
And even then, I was so weak...
I remember weakness...
Missing a step and falling
Dizziness... all the time
I was really sick...

But I’m not there now.
This is different.
I’m hungry because I simply forgot to eat
The weakness will pass
It’s not happening again
I’m okay. I’m okay.

I want to drink tonight
I want to forget
I want to lose myself
I want to relinquish control
I want to feel the giddy bliss
I want to relax
I just want a **** drink
Or several... or... ten...
But they won’t let me yet
I don’t get the privilege
Have to sit through the pain
While you all enjoy your vices
I don’t care if it destroys me
I can’t stand being sober

Do you ever just have those moments
When your heart turns black and rots
Your mind gets high on the angst
The suffering is all you need
And you want it... more of it
Listen to gruesome, terrible songs
Sounds of screaming and pain
Loss and grief wrap you like a blanket
It hurts but you’re at home
It’s dangerous but you feel safe
And then the moments come more often
Blurring into days... weeks...
Until you’ve lived in your agony for months
Begging for something more
Tell me a story
Tell me of death and tragedy
Tell me of self destruction
It’s addicting to me

This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve

I hear people
Speak of such things
Such feelings
Such thrill
Something utterly
Useless
Empty
Stupid
But that makes
You feel
Euphoric

Something that
Provides escape
From the harshness
Of reality
Something that
Floods the
Mind and
Body
With bliss
Euphoric

But I
I have so many rules
So many regulations
Expectations
That I am not allowed
Something so
Ridiculous
Tantalizing
Intoxicating
Euphoric

So instead,
I pretend
I write
I read
Reaching for that
Which I am
Not allowed
My ever-elusive
Euphoria

See, I don’t want to be loved, do I?
Because if I am loved
There are expectations on me
I have to at least try to be worthy of it
But the darkness is calling my name
And it calls so sweetly
It’s made me promises
Of which I’m sure it can’t fulfill
But it’s so exciting
New and thrilling
To try
However,
As long as I’m loved
I have to show restraint
So watch me push you all away
So you’ll just let me drown myself
In my own blissful irresponsibility

I don’t want to go to the lake

It’s too cold
I don’t have a swimsuit
I haven’t been eating well
I don’t like swimming
I don’t like being outside
I just don’t want to

These are all my excuses
But in reality...

I don’t want to have to tell you
There are dark, fresh scars on my thigh
On my wrist as well
I don’t want you to worry
I don’t want to have to explain

I needed a warm embrace
So I dreamt one up
Kind and strong
Arms holding me tight to your chest
And you stayed
For so long...
Just let me melt into you
Let me feel safe
Like you cared
I knew you wouldn’t let me go

But I woke up

And remembered

It only happens

When I’m asleep.

I’d never been drunk before
But six drinks in
I’m certain
I don’t want to be sober
Cause sober...
Sober’s all those things...
Pain and grief and... sadness
Sober is depression
Everything is so good now
Don’t take this from me
I’m happy
Finally

I was weak
I was so afraid
I let it break me
It tore me
Into a million pieces
But here I am
Trying to put them back
And realizing
That they’re not the same
As they were before it all
I’ve changed
My weakness
My brokenness
Taught me
Molded me
Into something
Better
Braver
Stronger

I gave it my all
That’s what you said to do
You said one hundred and ten percent
So I did it for you

That was fine
I was alright
Until someone else said those same words
Again, again, again

I thought I could handle it
At first
But slowly I drained myself
Like a battery

You gave me handshakes and high-fives
Awards and degrees
Certifying my excellence
Molding my existence

I pushed myself
I met my deadlines
I did what you said
I did what all of you said

After a time
All of me was poured out
Scattered
Empty

Everything I had held
Fell broken and scattered
And frantically I tried to rebuild it
From what was left

My hands shake as I try
To put the pieces back in order
A desire, a compulsion
To control my storm

Anything
Everything
Hold it together
Hold something together

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
Echoes in my mind
As thoughts spin and whirl
A tornado of expectations

I should…
But I can’t…
Well of course not
You’ve been drained for years

“Shoulds” and “oughts”
The poison in my thoughts
I just wanted to do what you said
To show you I had listened

I always had something to prove
I still do
But now it’s not about you
It’s about me

Now, I excel when I can
When I want to
If I don’t,
It was my choice

I don’t care what you think.
I value your opinion
But now I also value my own
I know my limits

There is so much me to explore
I can’t believe I let you drive so long
I missed out on me
And so did you

So when you say to give it my all,
I might
I might not
That’s my choice

I know how much of me I have to give
Only I can portion my time
You don’t know everything
I am strong, and I have limits

I have the power to say, “no”
When you ask to take from me
But I also can say, “yes” graciously
Knowing that I don’t need it

See, that’s what’s changed
I know what I need
I don’t rely on your knowing better
Because I can decide for myself

Rather than giving everything my all,
I give it my best
Knowing that I need to save some for myself
A bit of extra bandwidth in reserve

This way, you don’t own me
But I can offer myself to you
I can still give with grace
But I can withhold with wisdom

I give it my best

Just stop
Stop guarding me
Stop speaking for me
Stop trying to protect me
I know you love me,
But my weakness is your fault
So, please
I'm begging
Leave me alone
With my hurts
And let me fail
So that maybe
On my own
I can heal right
For once.

I’m just an addict
I let you become my drug
My high, my fix
I needed you
You wove yourself into my brain
You coursed through my veins
I just wanted more of you
And I knew I’d hit my limit.
You made sure I knew
But I wanted more

Then you left

You left me broken
Weeping
Weak and shaking
Desperate for just a little bit more
Anything to ease the pain
Of this withdrawal

You changed me
You rewired me
You left your essence in my brain
And I can’t get you the hell out

You cut me off
And I still haven’t decided
If that was for my own good
Or a cruel necessity to save yourself
But I guess all I can do now
Is try to get you out of my system

Every sound
Is nails on a chalkboard
The crunch of chips
The droning of the TV
Barking dogs
Everything
Makes all my muscles tense
So tight
And fills me with anger
At everything
Making me want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Just to get some
Peace and quiet

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


I didn't really mean to...
But all of a sudden...
I was opening the third drawer...
My hand pulled it out...
Uncapped the blade...

Then I caressed it
Ran my fingers around the tip
Tested it on my ankle
But no... that's not what I really wanted
I know better
I know what I've been craving

So then it was there
In my hand on my wrist
And it slashed three times
Stopping only when blood began to flow
And it did flow.... and flow...
I just wanted to watch it...
As serenity washed over my body

Finally

For once

I'm calm

At peace

I was a lawful good
Boring, obsessive
Neurotic
But still good

I started leaning away
Let go of the rules
I became neutral good
I’d bend or break the order
But in the end
I’m still good

Maybe I’m even pushing
Into chaotic good
And maybe I’m okay with it
I like it
And overall
My heart is
Still good

So when you say
I’m not myself
You mean I’ve dropped the structure
Released my grip on order
And that’s what I needed
Maybe I’ll bend it a little far
Maybe create a bit of chaos
But that’s okay
I’m still me
I’m still good

tw self harm




If I wasn’t worried about scars...

I... I wouldn’t stop...

I’d go over and over and over again
Pulling the blade across my arm
Everywhere
Use all the space now
Fill it all in
Til there’s nothing left
Nothing untouched
My forearms bleeding and raw...
Because... well...
If I wasn’t worried about scars...
There’d be no reason to stop

Is all I need
Just to prove to my terrified mind
That You're still there
Please, I'm begging You
I'm so lost, confused, tired
I can't go on without You
I just need to feel
Your touch
Just enough to remind me
What I'm even still doing here
Because this place,
It's so full of death,
And it's reaching out to me
I hear it's seductive voice
Calling me to join
I want to do it
I really do
I'm so scared
I can't do this alone
I NEED YOU
PLEASE
You're all I have

Sunny skies
Caffeine-induced euphoria
Loud rock music
Feel the pounding beat
Of my pulse with the bass
Hands quaking
But I actually am
Kind of fine
For once
I sit and savor
Smiles and heartbeats

Why do I cry?
What's ever been done to me
Worth a drop from my eye?
I want something tangible
The obvious mark
Of a broken soul
But, alas, mine isn't broken
Over time, it has grown cracks
Slivers and forks in a delicate glass
Now and again, it'*****
By something so powerful
The weakness is revealed
And everything comes rushing out
Through all the fractures
That I thought I could ignore
And it's overwhelming
I can't take it
Mind racing, body paralyzed
Tears streaming, heart pounding
Breath heaving, muscles tensing
And I don't know
Maybe I've had one too many
I've changed inside
Maybe I'm stronger, maybe I'm weak
But I'm certain
I don't envy the days
When everything revolved
Around the fractures

Light me up inside
Flick a spark in my soul
To spread like a wildfire
I want to feel the sensation
The warm glow
As the depths of my darkness
All of my rotting flesh
Pale, torn, bruised
Is revived
The sickness cured
At least
For a little while

tw self harm




Huh... a few quick slices of the skin
A stinging sensation
Was all I needed
To feel again

And there I was
Standing in the shower
Mesmerized
By the elegance
Of the stream of blood
As it joined the water

I want to do something
So incredibly stupid
Just to see
What happens
To see
What it feels like

But the consequences
Of my stupidity
Are such that
I could never dare
To face
To give in

But how wonderful
It would feel
If I could just
Let myself
Do something
Something stupid