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1d · 67
Heavy Fog
Empire 1d
I’m not lazy, I swear
I want to do this
I need to do this
Desperately, it hurts me
That I can’t get myself out of bed
I really really want to be okay
But I’m not
I can’t do this.

There’s a weight on my chest
Pressing down on me
Suffocating me
I can’t move

There’s a thick grey fog in my mind
I can’t think through it
I can’t talk myself out of it
There is no escape
1d · 26
Empire 1d
I can’t ******* function
I can’t ******* THINK
I’ve lost control over my emotions
I’m not in control
I’m not in control
I am not in control
2d · 95
Learning to Live
Empire 2d
It would seem
That in this place
I am to learn
How it’s possible to live
When you don’t feel alive
2d · 186
That Bad
Empire 2d
I swallow the pills
I take my medicine
I drug myself
Because it’s that bad
It’s that bad that I’ve submitted
I’ve allowed this
I’ve gotten so low
That the only way
To find any sort of light
Is to keep taking drugs
The bottles bear my name
They’re practically a part of me now
3d · 111
I Am Dead
Empire 3d
I think I’m dying
Everything that made me alive
Has left me
My heart isn’t beating
My blood grows stagnant
My skin becomes cold
And now... now I just want...
I want to make it real
I want to make it clear
I’m dying
I am dead.
3d · 51
To Find Peace
Empire 3d
My faith tells me
That good is to come
But never once has that good had a timeline
It is to all be well once I’m dead?
Truly, I believe that’s the only way to peace
But I can’t leave sorrow in my wake
I can’t burn down the lives of those I love
I have to do better.
I have to keep trying.
Empire 4d
The pills will hold me
Though no one else will
Through the night
They comfort me
Console me
So softly they lull me to sleep
Remind me I’m alright
Yeah... at least the pills
They care for me
Because there isn’t anyone around to
4d · 52
Empire 4d
The demons want back in my head
They’re waking up
They’re making noise
I can silence them
If I swallow the tablets
But then I’m rendered dormant with them
4d · 33
Empire 4d
Give me something to indulge in
I’m tired of feeling grey
I want to feel truly, properly alive
Let me eat until I can’t stand it
Drink until I can’t stand at all
Pleasure me not by my own hand
Surround me in comfort
Delight me
Would someone please kiss me?
Just give me one good reason
Just something to hold on to
What the hell am I supposed to do without even the hope of anything that might make me feel alive??
Probably gonna have to sedate myself again...
5d · 57
On My Knees
Empire 5d
I just... I just want to sleep...
Anything for some rest
To relieve me of this weight
The guilt, the fear, the loss
Crippling. All of it.
I’ve been brought to my knees
Waiting for someone
To end me
7d · 24
Empire 7d
I feel sickness setting in
Darkness coming for my thoughts
A plague to paralyze my heart
Evil steeping in my soul
The futility of living
Growing ever loud
How do you want to be alive?
Jan 19 · 78
Empire Jan 19
I don’t think I’m abusing it yet
But I couldn’t stand it
I took some extra pills
It’s better.... calmer
I’m tired
Nearly asleep
Just let the darkness take your mind
And rest
Away from the torment
Until you wake
Empire Jan 19
Everything... absolutely everything hurts
I loved you
I love you
But you weren’t safe with me
I couldn’t control myself
I made you leave
To save yourself
You’re not gone forever
I’ll see you again
But these months apart...
I don’t know how to survive
The agony of missing you
Jan 17 · 55
Empire Jan 17
tw: self harm

My mind isn’t right
I can’t think
What... what did I do...
There’s blood on my wrist
From slice after slice

I was getting too used to it...
Had to change direction
Change location
Bleed somewhere else
To ensure it would hurt
Because it’s something.
I needed to feel something.

Now I’m drowsy
My gauze-wrapped wrist stings
And I finally feel
I’ve got what I deserved
Sure... now the medication kicks in...
Jan 17 · 163
To Make Me Sleep
Empire Jan 17
It’s alright now
I’m putting myself to bed
A few pills to make me sleep
I’ll calm down
I’ll feel pleasant and safe
My eyelids will become heavy
I’ll start to drift off
Because at least if I sedate myself
I won’t have the energy
To get the knife out
I gotta admit... I really enjoy a sedative...
Jan 16 · 34
Empire Jan 16
I couldn’t control
The monster inside myself
I let it consume me
And it turned on you
So I screamed at you to run
But you stayed as long as you could
And I wounded you
Again and again
Until you finally had the good sense
To abandon me
I’m so sorry for what I’ve done... I hate that you had to leave, but I’m glad you’re safe from me.
Jan 15 · 60
Heal Me
Empire Jan 15
I want you close
So you can look into my eyes
And see how deathly ill I am

I want my paleness to scream at you
Dark circles tugging at your heart
I want you to see me
See what I’m hiding

Notice me stumble
And my grip grow weak
Say I seem distracted
Know that I can’t focus

I want you to see me broken
And to wrap your arms around me
No judgment or condemnation
Not trying to fix me
Just to hold me
Comfort me
Heal me

I want you to make me believe
You care if I’m still breathing
Jan 14 · 134
Empire Jan 14
I can’t talk to you
Because you think you understand
Blame the depression
But you... you don’t know
You don’t intimately know depression
Like I do.
So you invalidate me
My feelings
You try and simplify the complex
But it is complicated
And in your attempts to solve me
To fix me
You’ve alienated me
You’ve hurt me
You’ve lost me
Jan 12 · 40
Empire Jan 12
You should ******* run
I’m terrible
I’m lethal
I’m poison
And I’ll try to convince you I’m not
So you can make me feel better
But I assure you
I’m a monster
I will ruin you
If you fall prey to my act
And all the kids cried out,
“Please stop you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
******* right you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
-Halsey, “Control”
Jan 12 · 44
Empire Jan 12
I don’t want to celebrate my birth
Because right now
It feels like a massive error
I’ve lost my desire to exist
And if I could simply
Blink myself out of existence
I wouldn’t hesitate
To go through with it
How do you fight suicidal thoughts when you don’t want to...
Jan 12 · 61
Empire Jan 12
Has spread like venom
It’s reached my heart
And I don’t know if I’ll survive
I feel it in my veins
In the fog in my head
In the impulsive decisions
In the depths of cold suffering
That I don’t care
I don’t care about my self
I don’t care about anyone else
I can’t feel anything
And that’s not enough
To keep me alive
I HAVE to feel something, but I know all that awaits me is deep sorrow.
Jan 12 · 100
I don’t care...
Empire Jan 12
I think...
It’d be nice
If I figured out
How to care
My own
Jan 11 · 52
Empire Jan 11
How many milligrams
Should I take
To treat a heartbreak?
Maybe 40mg will force me to sleep
Jan 9 · 70
Empire Jan 9
You... you took it away from me
I got sick
And lost the privilege
Of feeling alive
Instead... you kept telling me
“Feel better”
And gave me more pills to choke on
But don’t you understand??
I never wanted to feel better
I just... I just wanted to get to feel
Of everything
Jan 9 · 126
Empire Jan 9
It might snow for my birthday
And all I can think about
Is a suicide attempt
I’m fine.... I’m not going to try anything... it’s just... the thoughts are getting powerful again....
Jan 9 · 63
Empire Jan 9
Just because the bottles say your name
Doesn’t mean it’s not self-medication
You don’t get to pick and choose
You aren’t curating a selection
You need to throw them away
I know you’re not okay
But you will make things worse
If you choose
To self-medicate
So many **** pills...
******* self control...
I’m just desperate and just destructive enough to want to try....
Jan 9 · 48
Beyond Repair
Empire Jan 9
Have I been broken too long?
How do you recover
When every part of your being
Is tormented
Is confused
Is lost
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know how to be alive
I don’t even feel alive
And in all this chaos in my head
The only thing I actually know I want
Is to sink so low
You’ll never fix me.

I want to fall beyond repair
Jan 9 · 56
I miss feeling
Empire Jan 9
It’s been a while since I’ve cried
I’m realizing I don’t feel like I did
And I miss it
I miss feeling
I miss crying
I miss experiencing
If this is the price I’m paying to stay alive
I may need to find a better deal
I think these medications are leaving me really numb. There are things I want to feel and experience, but they’re blocked off and locked away.
Jan 8 · 31
Empire Jan 8
I’m starting to see it
My future unfolding in front of me
It’s not what they wanted
But it’s exactly what I expected
I’ll be a little broken
I’ll ***** myself over
I’m done being “perfect”
Or whatever the **** that was
Cause I’m a wreck
I was raised poorly
And I’ve lost my desire
To do any better for myself
Jan 8 · 45
Empire Jan 8
I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for
Though satisfying for a short time, it’s only left me craving more....
Jan 8 · 89
Empire Jan 8
I’ve bled today
And something
About this moment
Makes me want to dig in deeper
Jan 7 · 90
Empire Jan 7
Hey, would you just **** me?
Cause I don’t... I don’t actually wanna be alive
Jan 7 · 44
Temporary Fix
Empire Jan 7
I feel alone
I feel desperate
I feel destructive

20mg hydroxyzine later

I feel tired
I feel calm
I feel drugged

I don’t want to be like this
Seeking relief every waking moment
Begging for the pain to cease
Pull solutions out of a hat

take pills                      
drink                            ­       scream      
                                            slice your wrist
a few more pills          
                              bother your friends
sleep it off                                                  
           ­      cry                          write
plan your death                      
                                     ­         try to ignore it

And know
That though this mood will pass
The illness never will
It will always stalk me
It will always come to torture me
It will always be waiting
To destroy me
Jan 7 · 119
Dear Doctor,
Empire Jan 7
You can’t treat me
If I don’t want to get better



P. S. I don’t care
There’s illness in me that wants to be preserved
Jan 6 · 161
Wounds I Carry
Empire Jan 6
I’m bleeding out
And you... you want to just cover it up
Not to heal it
Not to help
Just to hide it longer
Until it gets angrier
It’ll get infected
Under bandaids
That never would’ve been able to heal
The kinds of wounds
I carry
Its taking over my body, so contagious
It’s seeping into my blood, and I can taste it
Coursing through my veins, I’m not sane
I’ve lost my direction
I’ve caught the infection
-Beartooth, “Infection”
Jan 6 · 88
Empire Jan 6
There’s not much left
My wounds are healing
Scars fading
And all I can think about
Is adding a few more
To my collection
Jan 6 · 86
Empire Jan 6
There’s so much destruction in me
I’d like to make progress
I’d like to try and get clean
Just so it’ll feel worse
When I fall back into my habit
It’ll feel a lot better if you can hold off a little longer.....
Jan 6 · 81
save me
Empire Jan 6
Will garnet rivers save my soul?
Can I cleanse my failures in crimson?
If I open my skin enough
Will grace still save me?
Jan 6 · 78
Empire Jan 6
TW: Self Harm

If I’m willing
What’s so wrong?
If I want to watch myself bleed
Why shouldn’t I?
If it offers relief
If it’s satisfying
If it eases the never-ending agony
Of breathing
Why shouldn’t I slit my wrists?
Maybe someone at suicide prevention will explain it to me
Jan 6 · 26
Empire Jan 6
tw: self harm

How do I go back?
How do I walk in there
As a failure.
What a heavy burden I’ve picked up
I probably don’t need to carry it
But I don’t know how to put it down

There’s this urge
Something to be my painkiller
My distraction
My ****** punishment
It would keep me from thinking
Alleviate the guilt
Because I’ve let them down
Let everyone down
And I’ll tell myself I was sick
Do anything to absolve myself
Run from responsibility
But it’s my fault.
I just.... I just need to release it
I need to see it
Dripping... delicately...
Down my wrist....
And then... only then...
Will I be able to breathe
Jan 5 · 39
Empire Jan 5
I don’t want to go home
It’s... it’s supposed to be safe there!
I should want to see my family
Well. I don’t.
They’ve hurt me
They’ve used me
They’ve twisted me
Over and over and over again
So I don’t want to go home
It’s too good here
I’m too free
I’m actually happy
I actually have a will to live
So naturally
This must cease.
Falling into love now with falling apart
-Falling In Reverse
Jan 5 · 161
Empire Jan 5
My heart is blackened
The edges burned and seared
And no matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
I can’t keep it alive
I can’t stop the necrosis
As it spreads
Deeper and deeper
And I’m really... uggghhh
I’m frustrated
Because I’m supposed to be alive
I’m supposed to want to be
But I can’t escape it
The death that follows me
Jan 5 · 34
Empire Jan 5
Crawling through the darkness
I stumble towards the light
Trip and slip
Slide down... down... down...
Stagger to my feet
Try to climb
Grab hold of something
But as footholds break
And progress turns into pain
The temptation
To let go
To fall
To surrender
Grows ever stronger...
Ever enticing....
Ever seducing...
Ever inviting...
I’ve crawled through caves... sometimes you wonder if it’s worth the effort to get back out...
Jan 4 · 77
Empire Jan 4
HahahahHa I’m finally drunk
Like really really drunk
And I don’t wanna sleep
Cause I feel really really nice
And as soon as I sleep
I give it all up
I’m not ready for that
I’ve only had a few hours of this bliss
Jan 4 · 50
Empire Jan 4
Everything is spinning a bit
I’m not even kinda sober
Finally got what I wanted
I ******* win!!!
Ahhhahhha I am so ******* drunk
I’ve wanted this for so long
And I have it
And I’m so happy
This is it!!!
This is what I’ve wanted!
Ah yes!
I feel high
But like drunk
I love it
Jan 3 · 78
Empire Jan 3
tw: self harm

Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit
Fantasizing can’t be a good sign....
Jan 3 · 199
Stray Mind
Empire Jan 3
What the hell?
Today was amazing
It was simple
It was pleasant
It was living

But now... now my mind
It’s straying, staggering
It’s craving things....
It wants my wrists slit
It wants my head spinning
It wants destruction
It lusts after death
Jan 3 · 97
Like Living
Empire Jan 3
I’ve been happy today
It’s... it’s been so long...
I... I feel okay
I feel... human...
I feel... I feel like living
It was nice to hear you say...
Jan 2 · 65
Empire Jan 2
What the hell
Why do I still want it
Why am I craving that
Why am I ignoring you
I’m so sorry
What the hell is wrong with me...
Jan 1 · 42
Empire Jan 1
Hey what’s that?
Are you excited?
How unexpected!
How lovely!
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