I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

I want to lie in the low lights
Listen to loud alternative music
Feel chemicals relaxing my body
And forget

everything is so cloudy
i can't think straight
i can't focus on anything
all of my heartbreaks circle through my head
screaming at me
banging drums
shattering silence and peace
whispering doubts
searing self-hate into my mind.

I write to try and make all of this vanish
but it only makes it worse.

I live in many universes.
See all sides of an issue.
I am a dichotomy of a person.

Can you even be a person if you are a dichotomy?

Head full of drugs
Heart full of ache
Hallucinations balance me out
The other side of the teeter totter
Empty like my vessel
The concrete ground
Nourishes nothing
Faded yellow lines
Habitually crossed
For its with a heavy soul
I bear myself to the bright lights
Burn me down
My ashes still float
The decades have lied to me
I was never right
It seems to be that way doesn't it
The lavender fields
The gerbera daisies woven in your hair
The flowing vocals
Melodious interludes
That was my profession
I was to love thee
With everything I had
No one told me I could fail
Especially you

Beware of the shadows in my mind
For they will consume and encompass
All who venture into its dismal marsh
You will vanish under the earthy mire
It does not discriminate
You are just as appealing  
As the succeeding
You, full of endearment, solicitude and adulation
Nothing more than its commissariat
A smorgasbord for its delight
It bubbles and churns deep below
Disgorging oily sublimate
You can see your reflection
A chimera peering back

Ive finally found some peace
The suffering seemingly ceased
These days have grown well
As I feel my chest swell
I bellow a song
It has been too long
I let it out low
It begins to slow
As I release the good feel
I bow and I kneel
I recognize this gift
A chance I could've missed

when my brain wanders
i’m reminded of pain
all the meds can’t cure it
but they make me more sane

  when i look in the mirror
  and feel nothing
  when i realize i have sad eyes
  tears forming start to sting

    when i count the scars on my body
   shocked and reserved
   i manage to not mind them
   and miss the hurt

     physical pain is euphoric
     reminding me i’m just a human
     cutting brings me breath
     like when i got the wind knocked out of me
  
         this is the cycle i need to break
         i can’t keep feeling pain
         though it’s a familiar friend
         i need to vanquish faith

           i feel the only way to do that
           is to leave this world
           a blip fluke of a human
           just.. forgotten dust

              not dissimilar to the dust in the pills
              keeping me here
              momma give me strength
              i need to feel you near

It starts so simply; a flush of heat to the head, an unforgiving reverberation in the ears, pounding like drums until I can hear the foundation of my brain begin to crack.

Then, just like that – it all goes black

And it’s like I had never been well and happiness was just a dream. Normalcy; what is that? I don’t remember now.