I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

I want to lie in the low lights
Listen to loud alternative music
Feel chemicals relaxing my body
And forget

everything is so cloudy
i can't think straight
i can't focus on anything
all of my heartbreaks circle through my head
screaming at me
banging drums
shattering silence and peace
whispering doubts
searing self-hate into my mind.

I write to try and make all of this vanish
but it only makes it worse.

I live in many universes.
See all sides of an issue.
I am a dichotomy of a person.

Can you even be a person if you are a dichotomy?

Ive finally found some peace
The suffering seemingly ceased
These days have grown well
As I feel my chest swell
I bellow a song
It has been too long
I let it out low
It begins to slow
As I release the good feel
I bow and I kneel
I recognize this gift
A chance I could've missed

when my brain wanders
i’m reminded of pain
all the meds can’t cure it
but they make me more sane

  when i look in the mirror
  and feel nothing
  when i realize i have sad eyes
  tears forming start to sting

    when i count the scars on my body
   shocked and reserved
   i manage to not mind them
   and miss the hurt

     physical pain is euphoric
     reminding me i’m just a human
     cutting brings me breath
     like when i got the wind knocked out of me
  
         this is the cycle i need to break
         i can’t keep feeling pain
         though it’s a familiar friend
         i need to vanquish faith

           i feel the only way to do that
           is to leave this world
           a blip fluke of a human
           just.. forgotten dust

              not dissimilar to the dust in the pills
              keeping me here
              momma give me strength
              i need to feel you near

It starts so simply; a flush of heat to the head, an unforgiving reverberation in the ears, pounding like drums until I can hear the foundation of my brain begin to crack.

Then, just like that – it all goes black

And it’s like I had never been well and happiness was just a dream. Normalcy; what is that? I don’t remember now.

Look at my eyeliner, one wing still there from the night previous. The clothes I wear are the first clothes I grabbed from the pile on the floor yesterday. I'm really, really, very good at forgetting to take my medicine.

My only friend, a 11.2 lb. Mutt is more than happy to snuggle with me through the days, sleeping in is now my medicine. "You do it to yourself." they say. Not today, please, not today.

Another job that "didn't work out". Whatever, as long as I don't have to leave, outside is so ******* loud. I swear I tried, and I worked so hard, I always do. Still, I'll stumble through time, not unlike everyone else, the crowds of people all unknowingly living on a shelf. The judgments pass on, as does the ticking, and it all comes back around next time with even more kicking. "YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF!"

At night is when the real fun begins, I get to cry, and hug myself, and say its going to be better. One more day. That's it. I'll give it one more day. As for the night, well the mysteries know no bounds, the crickets shall chirp me on as the stars part the clouds. I can finally scream and curse the world silently. Maybe night will come quick, like a thief or death... Ah, wish-filled thinking, I really should take my medicine.

Don't think I'm not hopeful; on the contrary I feel as if I am quite hope-filled, even extremely optimistic. Not today though, today I take the only medicine I can, and crave; sleep. One day at a time, that hope of dying young haunts me. Still I imagine a world with my very own family and a home. Realistic Hallucinations if you would ask someone well studied in the field of psychotherapy; I've got to find that medication.

My pain digs in, begging me to play, not today, please, I beg not today. My blankets are warm, my eyes don't wish to open, my bestfriend is yawning softly, as he scoots closer to me. Maybe I'll fall into a wonderful hope filled slumber, the dreams aren't worse than the living.

Might as well, I doubt if I will ever take that ******* medicine.