It's okay now

I know you were hurt
I know you were so confused
I know you were screaming for help
But it came

It's okay now

You are safe here
You are getting better
You are stronger than all of that
You are resilient

It's okay to be okay

You don't have to stay sad
You have cried plenty of tears
To mourn what you went through
And all it cost you

It's okay to be okay

You are free now
You can put it behind you
You are allowed to move forward
You won

You can be okay now

Nothing is ever over,
Is it?
Everything
Leaves behind a shadow
An imprint on your mind, soul
Sometimes,
Just the shadow hurts so bad
Like a cut deep into your being
You get lost in it
Aching
Hurting
Unable to let go
Of that which cast it
Because now it's a part of you
For better or worse

I don't want to have to try and explain to you
The dark lines on my wrist and thigh
That I pray you will never be able to understand

Tired of feeling exhausted
All the **** time.

Done feeling numb, empty
Every heartbeat void.

Well, it's legal... accessible...
It tastes pleasant...
It'll do the trick...
The kind of acceptable addiction
No need to hide
Flaunt it a bit
See if they care
Play it up
Show them

But don't forget to enjoy it, dear.
Feel your pulse in your wrists
s                                u     r                    g    i              n    g
c-c-c-c-ccount the dosage
80 mg..... 120 mg.... 300 mg..... 400 mg............
Hyyypppeeeerrrrr
HIGH


Where's that laugh been all this time?
Full of... joy....?
That smile cannot possibly be your own....
It's so....... pure.


And again here I am
Crashing from the high
Mild headache
Numbness returning
Depression invading

And you.
My neurotic shadow.
You creep back into my mind.
I hear the whispers of your familiar voice.
It makes me want to chase a different high.
One that'll leave a mark.

Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts/ideation


It's ******* me off
Steady, rhythmic
Continuous.
I want it to



F̷̘͇̖̟̟͔͍̜̍͛͑̔̿͗̅͌̅͒̇̚̚ͅȖ̷͚̮̹̪̮͎̻͖͉̖̘̖͔̭̬̹̪̍̅ͅͅC̶͋͒͆̀̍͛͌­̡̧̨̣͉͔̤͉͇̺̠̖̞͖̖͚̇̌̈́̿͑͠K̸̹̹̳̠͉̝̭̭̣̤̤̩̜̈́̈́̏́̽͆̋̆͋͋͐͛̓̆̾̈͜͜͝͝͝I̶̔̅́͠͠­͚͇̠̞̤̹̻̮͍͖͚̱̌̎̾̆̂͊͊̊̄̍͑̍̀͑̈́͘͠N̸̨̨̨͓̣͎̩͙̥̦̐͑̚G̸͙͕̳̥̹̹͍̒͂́̏̈̈́̎̊̃͝͠ͅ­̤̲ ̸̛̹͚̫͆̄̏̅͌̄̎̔̀Ş̸̡̬̼̘͉̦̹̙̉̿͌̍̌͋̓̓̍͑̂̂́̕̚Ṭ̷̨̧͖̗̳͔̮͐̉̍̽̈́͗͂̈́̒̍̊́͘͝͝­Ǫ̵̧̧̨̨̫̰̼̼̲̹̙̻̣̹̭͎͕̞̪̼͑͛̄̽̒̓̃̀̄̎̈́̂̄̾̕͠ͅP̸̱͓̦̰̥̙̗̂̿̾̄̾̀͋̈́́̔͜


­
I'm tired of this
ALL OF IT!!!

None of you want me
None you desire me
None of you!
You don't care for me
You don't care about me
You don't take care of me

YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELVES
You care when it makes you look good
You care when it's convenient
But I'm falling
It's dark here
I can feel it in my heart
As it grows colder
...colder...


Ŷ̸̧̡̡͉̥͉̲̲̝͉̟̝̟̤͒́͑̍̄͗͊͛́͗̆̿͠O̶̱̜̭̜̪͈̮̩̯̓͝­͚͓͓̣̦̞Ư̴̟̇̈́̓͊̒͘͝
YOU ALL
YOU'RE SO BUSY
SO WRAPPED UP IN YOURSELVES

YOU CAN'T EVEN ******* SEE


Ḯ̷̛̼̦͋̈́̀̈́̀̓̋͒́̔͌̐͝͠
̵̡̡͕͕͇̥̗̪̭͎̄̅̕
̵̛̝̪̝̙̙̟̹̃̽̑́͑͝ͅA̷͌͝­̢̢͈̜̪̣̪̘̻̖̣͍̪̮̰̬͙̘̪̠̟͆̒̾̃̽̂̐̕͝͝ͅͅM̶̨̡̡̢̛̘̯̞̜̘̼̳̦̭͍̬̪͖̖̯̜̜͍̻̬̙͉̓̃̊­̰ͅ
̵̨͎̫͍͈̗̤͇̻̫̠̖͈͉͈̥̜͆̓̈́͜
̷͉̘͊̈̿̉̐̇͒̈́̌̃̉̅͂͗̾̚͠͝D̵̿̑͗̄͌̇̑͊̿̈́̆͘̚̕̚͘­̲͈̮͉̞̖͖̰͓͇͓̣̙̙̖͔͕Y̴̡̩͉̘̦͔̩͈̤͂͠I̷̢̳͓͇͈̯̼͔̰̲͕̲̠̜̩̾̇̽̂̌͛́̈́̿̐̾̋̑̀͌̌̕­̡̡̢̝̮̙͔̭̠̰͇͔̹͔̖ͅN̷̛̛̰̙̪̥̯̻̦̘̰͖̫͒͋̅̈́͂̃̇̂̎̑̀͛͂̓̔̀̀̏̀̓͗̏̃̏̍̂̈́͘̚͘͜͝G̷­̨̛̞͍̥̤̬̘̲̹̘̻͉̟͐͒̾̎̎̀̐͒͆̒͂̋͆̑̉͘͝͝




and i've come to hate my heartbeat
because it's this constant ******* reminder
that i have to keep ******* living
breathing
though i've no desire to do so
i don't want it
i don't want to keep going
I'M WEARY
just leave me to ******* die

I feel everything : I feel nothing
          Excited, alert, awake : Relaxed, carefree, calm
But it makes me
Anxious, obsessive, neurotic : Empty, careless, cold        
And all I want
Is to let myself
    Go numb : Get high
        To stop feeling : To feel anything
           To feel nothing : To feel everything

Why do I have to be lucid
Present
Together
Because all I really want
Is to let go of reality
Get so high I could never come down
Drink until I can't feel anything
Let my body go numb
And my mind soar
Away from all
The ****

Just because the bottles say your name
Doesn’t mean it’s not self-medication
You don’t get to pick and choose
You aren’t curating a selection
You need to throw them away
I know you’re not okay
But you will make things worse
If you choose
To self-medicate