When I can't sleep,
during nights like these..
I sometimes cry for hours.
We're all dying flowers.

I don't go to sleep when I say I do.
But not because I'm not wanting to...
I'm always tired but the light's always on
the light inside of my mind never goes off.

I think of him often... More often than not
I wish I could hold him, and see him a lot.
And every night as I'm laying here...
I pretend he's beside me, even though he's there.

But when the hours pass by at this time of night
I do end up sleeping, even when I feel uneasy.

His laugh is the best sound,
I want him to stay around.
So I won't give him any reason,
To go walking away from me.

Laughing until I cry
Building walls way up high
staying up late into the night
But I don't care, because you're by my side.

I know, it's four in the morning
and I should be sleeping,
but these thoughts I keep thinking,
they just go on endlessly.
I think about my past
and how I got to where I am,
who I want to be become,
and who I love being with.
I think about how I've grown
and about how my dog has grown  
I think of conversations I can't remember the endings to
and I remember the worst parts
of everything too.
I wonder how my distant family is doing
and whether or not they think of me too?
But near the end of this sequence
I always come back to me and you.
So you see, there are things
that keep me up late at night,
it probably would help if I just closed my eyes.

I feel bad about the moods I've been in.
I've noticed you're trying
which makes me smile again.

Everything is so heavy,
and it's hard to stay sleeping
(at least during the night,)
I lay awake reading,
absolutely anything that I can find.
To keep my mind occupied...
and I'm sorry.

On the other side of the screen,
Do you know who I see?
I see someone smiling,
A guy with a nice laugh.
An amazing personality.
This person whom I want to hug.
So badly, but can only do so in my dreams.
I want him to forever, stay with me.

I miss you so much, I'm always longing your touch.

when I get there,
Can we drive somewhere?
I want to feel your hand on mine
As we disappear down the road
To somewhere we'll be unknown
We can listen to cheesy songs through the radio
And be together for a while.
I'd like that right now.

You're my star in the middle of a very dark and dreary sky.

We stand there laughing
As lobsters are fighting
I suggest their plotting
some kind of escape?!

You tell me nooo,
they're definitely fighting.
We stand and watch it out.

I lean against you and smile
at this tank in the store.

Then we move on
and continue to explore.

Feeling disconnected,
from the ones who surround you each day, is sadder and scarier than being lost in the darkest of caves.

I look one way only to be turned away,
someone else is more important right now.
I search for comfort from others
who I've grown close to with time.

It's not the same.

It all becomes a very depressing pattern,
what happens over the time it takes
for you to become, locked out.
Until only special people can help.

I'm laying in my bed
Surrounded by darkness
Listening to the footsteps above me
It's easy to tell who's walking.

I turn over and sigh,
Still in a mood from last night
I just want to go back to sleep
So another day can pass me by,

But I have to get up and fight.

My heart aches,
And I love it.
My mind turns,
and it tosses.
My eyes yearn,
to see your smile...
though I'm hurting,
I know it's just for a while.

I want to be close to you
as close as I can get
close enough to hear your heartbeat,
close enough to feel your breath hitting my neck..
when I'm feeling this way
my heart races always...
if only you were here,
you'd hear me whispering your name.

I don't want to..
You're everything that I want..
So perfect, but at the same time, not.
Am I going crazy? Please don't give up on me.
I'll do anything to show you, how much you shine..
                                             *Inside of this torn heart of mine.

I feel awkward
You're making me mad
You tell me one thing
And then take it back

What's your deal?
Do you want me here or not?
If I'm just a burden
Tell me so I can go get lost.

It's not fun for me either,
Being somewhere I'm not wanted.
Regardless I smile
And will not be haunted.

Once again**
Laying in bed,
Playing pretend,
You're in my head.
Instead, *I'd like
if you were in it
with me.

You keep me warm,
with you, things are good
I never feel cold with you,
even when I should

You hold me closely
with you, I feel safe
I want to stay with you, *always.

Trying to navigate these bumpy waves,
While maintaining my gaze with my goals.
It's more difficult than the past me could've ever known.

There's a long dotted line that swerves along my map.
I've marked each stop for when I'll take naps,
but I'm still struggling with unexpected crashes.

A wave flips my boat and and it feels like a million minutes go by
Before I patch things up and things feel okay inside.

It feels like a tear in my map,
the map that lines my heart.
How do you recover when someone from your crew falls overboard?

What if something embarrassing happens during my journey and I can't press restart?
These are the kinds of questions I stay up all night asking the stars.

I'm not here to judge your perspective
We were in the same place but our childhoods were different
We saw and felt different things
It's not a bad word, it's the way we perceived and lived through everything

We may have been in the same places,
but couldn't see through each other's faces.
We both had our bad experiences
and found ways to get through them

It's been so hard for me to let go
but after we spoke I think I finally know,
I can't do the work for you,
You have to want to evolve for you.

I can't tell you every story I have
and believe you'll understand where I stand or where I've stood,
You have your own desk where you'll write your book
Although it hurt, because I had so much hope.

You preached so much to me about how we should be close-
You told me how you wished for a relationship to grow,
You said I never shared, never asked and never cared.
I feel like I tried so much but your words make me feel unaware.

It hurt when you told me I hide,
Probably because there's some truth to it,
that hurt me deeply inside.
I have masked around our family for as long as I can remember.

I learned so early that I wasn't what was wanted
I was only loved when I went along and nodded
I always agreed, except for when I couldn't
I'd say no to things to avoid the acting

I hated that I had to be a certain way
To stay free of your judgement
I couldn't wear the shoes I wanted,
or play the songs I liked in the car without hearing your homophobic comments

Having to become every expectation
It is how I have lived for so long
I'm so burnt out now
and I finally don't have to be strong.

I went along with it to avoid the uncomfortable feelings I had,
Every time I would have to be around you
I put up with things I should've never had to.
I'm talking about your husband putting your cat on my face when I was asleep and he knew I was allergic.

The more I reflect, the more I see it
Everything you've projected on me
To avoid your own feelings
The clothes, the music, the comments, the expectation of who you wanted me to be-

I'm sorry you feel like you can't keep growing
Now that you're older and have your own family
It must be so painful to be stagnant
When you want to fly with sunflowers

I hate that I make you feel negatively
and there's nothing I can say to help you
I tried the hardest I could to be honest
and because I did my best, I am now free of my mask of burdens

Bathed in trauma, poured on you,
Blindly making excuses, I didn't have a clue,
Unintended harm was not my aim,
I swear, from my heart, that's the truth I claim.

Just give me a chance to prove I can change,
Don't turn away, let's break this estrange,
I've learned my lessons, I'm ready to grow,
I can transform, this I truly know.

Lost in the past, flipping photo albums' pages,
Seeking smiles, wondering through the ages,
But now I see the present with fresh eyes,
Fixing what's wrong, no more disguise.

A shared prison, unaware we both dwelled,
Failed to communicate, the stories we withheld,
I tried to speak of demons deep within,
Unaware they held me tight, drowning in their sin.

I plead for a chance, believe I can mend,
Break free from the covers, where the pain won't extend,
Yesterday's weight won't hold us down,
Together we'll rise, wearing courage as our crown.

Glimpsing photos, memories of distant travels,
Questioning why joy seemed to unravel,
But it's not about them, or what they comprehend,
Finding my worth, letting my true self ascend.

Losing my muse, an ache deep within,
Placing you on a pedestal, where love had once been,
Our best memories like a festival's delight,
But I clung too tightly, clouding our sight.

Hurting you, hurting myself, a tangled mess,
I thought I suffered more, but it was just a guess,
Overloaded with clichés, patched on our dark days,
Unaware I was the setup, before the closing phrase.

Keep donning your cape socks, a symbol of strength,
In the end, you shaped me, helping me find my true length

Nose pressed to the glass
I'm smiling brightly
as you grasp my hand
My other hand reaches up
and touches the tanks coldness.
Aren't they beautiful?
I lovingly exclaim-
Squeezing your hand excitedly.
Lets come here again, okay?

I hate when I'm in the mood to write
But nothing I put down comes out right.
I'm thinking about him and my excitement
But at the same time I'm nervous, also content.

I guess I can't decide whether to be tired or vent.

I feel like I could get sick any minute now,
The words that you confirmed have intensified my frown.
I need to find some way, somehow to get out of this town.
I'm tired of being trapped here, I just need to get out.
I miss feeling comfort, when the tears all run down.

Please, someone save me, I'm tired of this drought.
Take me to Cherrapunji, where my tears can blend in.
Maybe after the rain stops there I'll be able to accept it.
But right now, as I'm crying in my bed..

I'm afraid my stomach has decided, this is the end.

Everything is fine
just close your eyes.
Slowly drift away
don't worry about a thing.
Once you're asleep,
those feelings will melt away
and you will wake up
in a brand new day.

I tear up as I recall you and I standing so closely, with this song playing.

I'm starting therapy again today,
I'm nervous and excited
but wondering what to say,
I don't want another misdiagnosis

It's 5:32 AM*
and as I lie awake in bed
you're all I can think of...
****, I miss you so much.

I can't take back the things that I did,
But I sure as hell wish that I could.
If I could, just turn around and apologize.
And make everything better, I would.
If I could sweep memories away,
Make it as if it had never happened.
I'd probably do it everyday.

But this isn't a fantasy,
It's a very real reality.
I should stop crying.
Stop denying.
Disappear.
I won't.


Because it's impossible.

The bestfriend whom I loved
got lost somewhere between
six and seven, but

Along the way I found myself
and learned a major lesson.

I want to skip the montage
I'd see who stayed and who's gone
Did I lose the weight
Did I leave or stay
Could I be what I needed
Or did I stay in bed depleted
I want to skip the montage;
Move forward to when I've moved on

I'm anxious,
You called and said you want to meet
A few hours away,
With her and me.

You know about the drama,
The way I feel about things
I'm sure she's said more
But which will you believe?