We're all authors
Typewriters
Pens
Pencils
Erasers.
We have stacks upon stacks of paper
Piling high
Of what we wish could happen
&
Of what really did happen.
We're all painters
Palettes
Paintbrushes
Tubes of endless
Reds
Blues
Greens
Blacks
Yellows
Whites
& in betweens.
We try to make a prettier picture
Of what's in front of us.
Try to take something ordinary
And make it other worldly.
We're all photographers
Polaroids
Camcorders
Film strips
Memory cards.
We capture the moment
And
Lock them in our hearts
Imprint them upon our brains
Because we don't want to forget.
We are all artists.
Because we each have visions
And create them
In order for others to see what we see
And
Feel what we feel.

I shouldn't have opened my door for you.
(After all aren't you supposed to be the gentleman?)
You left the door wide open
So that you'd have a sweet escape.
But I mean the least you could have done is closed it
On your way out.
At least have the decency to say "goodbye."
At least have the common courtesy to say
Where you're bound to next.
But you didn't do that.
You didn't say "bye."
You didn't say anything.
You just
Left.
So even though I'm starting at an empty doorway,
Let me be the one to say it.
Thanks for everything-
You were there when I really needed a friend
And for that I am grateful.
It's been an interesting trip,
But like everything else
It's come to its end.
After all
I'm not a firm believer in "forever"
When it comes to people..
But I hope that wherever you go,
You'll be doing all right.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a balloon
Filled with hot hot air,
Brimming against latex
Pushing and pushing until there is no space.
No, see the the problem with balloons is that they're always on edge.
There's always a fear of gathering too much-
A load too heavy to be contained by simple material.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a rubber band
On the wrist of a little girl,
Simple and strong,
Worn from the echoes of daily snapping.
No, see the problem with rubber bands is that they are stretched thin,
Pulled to make space for a larger load.
There is a constant tug for security,
But one tug is all it takes to break.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
Like heat changing ice into water.
Let there be a catalyst to invoke my transformation.
I want to be fluid-
Able to adapt to different patterns, different directions, different holds.
Let me seep into the cracks, the thin lines, the rigid turns.
Give me the chance to take on different roles
And explore different facets of who I can be.

I'm ready to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.

i wrote you a letter the other night.
draft after draft
i shoved into my drawers-
this isn't what i want to say.
this isn't enough.
why isn't this enough?
i couldn't sleep because the words
the words kept eating me alive.
they've made a home inside my feeble
feeble lungs.
my ribs hug them-
keep them warm and snug-
remind them to stay.
i inhale "where-are-you-are-why-aren't-you-here"
i exhale "    "
my words
they sit
and sit
and sit
(i mean, where else would they go?).
i'd tell them to you but there's this thing called distance
between us;
i'd tell them to you but you're right in front of me.
so instead i wrote you a letter the other night
in hopes that maybe one day i'll understand.

Let go.
Let go of that burden that you
Desperately
Cling to.
Your hands have gone white
Because of the tight grip around it.
Are you afraid?
Afraid to drop it at His feet?
Do you feel unworthy of His grace?
Do you feel as though the sin you've made
Is written across your face?
The answer is yes and yes.
We are unworthy
Unholy
Unclean.
But He calls to us-
He chases after us!
Because He loves us.
He loves you.
& He loves me.
Even after all that we've done-
All that we've hidden
All that we've failed to do-
He still loves us.
& His love is never ending.
It flows like a fountain
Without end.
There is nothing we could do to stop that love
From pouring out
Towards us.
It wraps itself around you and me
Encompasses us until we do not see ourselves.
We see change.
We see a difference.
We see God.

You will be my greatest heartbreak.
You will be the reason why I hide from the rain
Why I sleep early on school nights
Why I avoid numbers.

I'll never look at stars the same
Since you'll be looking at the same ones just a block away.
This school
With its halls
     Lockers
          Desk
               And doors
Will never be my second home
Because my second home will always be you.
This hill-
This sweet welcoming hill-
Will just be a reminder of how far apart we really are.

But the worst part
The worst part
Will be reaching for another book,
A story that I had loved
A story that you had loved
A story that you will never read.
You will always be there
Etched
Woven
Embroidered
Between the lines of each turning page.
You are the boy next door,
The unexpected ally,
The hero to the story.
You are the twist and turn of events,
The cliff hanger,
The conflict,
The resolution.
You are the emotion held between the quotation marks,
The cliche phrases,
The words that break the reader's heart (just like mine).

You will be my greatest heartbreak
But also my favorite.
Because at least for a moment
You held my heart in palms of your hands.

I find it hilarious
How we know each other so well.
We're like two halves of a whole.
Synced onto the same wave length.
But it's not going to be so funny when
One day
Maybe some time soon
That our connection will (have to) be

cut.

The only person to blame is yourself.
You believed his words.
You decided to trust him when everyone else said not to.
You stayed when everyone was screaming to go.
You had hope when really they just wanted to see you fail.
You made the choice.
& now you get to suffer the consequences.

There never seems
To be enough
Seconds in a minute
Or
Minutes in an hour
Or
Hours in a day
When it comes to this journey called "life."
There always seems to be
Somewhere to go
Or
Someone to see.
If it's not here, then it's there.
If it's not her, then it's them.
I frantically rush from one hour
To the next
CrammingCrushing
Everylittlething
Until there is nothing left but
Me and a hundred of thoughts,
A myriad of worries,
And a pyramid of plans.

But it's then that I take a breathe.
I take a breath
& remember You-
The Great Beginning
And the End.
For even but a moment
It is just the Father and I-
A father and his daughter.
I rest at the feet of Jesus
Like Mary once did.
There is no agenda
No rush
No need to be anywhere but here.
I am humbled by His presence for
He radiates
Love,
Holiness,
Self-lessness,
Patience-
All that I am not.

I tell Him of my day
And the fears that have taken root:
The fear of failing,
The fear of disappointment,
The fear of not being good enough.
"It's too much!"
I cry out.
"I can't do it!
There's too many things and not enough me."
But my Father,
He tells me to list.
He tells me of how He has a plan-
A plan of joy
Not worry;
A plan of peace,
Not distress;
A plan of victory,
Not defeat.
"Child, yes, you are small,
But I am big-
Bigger than your plans,
Bigger than your hopes,
Bigger than your fears.
So take comfort in Me
When life is not at rest.
Find solace during the story
While knowing that I calm the seas."

Lost soul,
Where are you going?
You walk on a path
A path to nowhere.
Your head is aimed low
With your hopes even lower.
You can't look up
In fear of what might be there.
So you just hold back
And look down.
Down down down
Where your crushed dreams lay.
So again I ask,
Lost soul,
Where are you going?

i will see you around sounds much better than goodbye.

Is waiting
For an answer
When you ought to be sleeping.
The Hardest Part
Is waking up
When you should be dreaming.
The Hardest Part
Is smiling
When you feel like crying.
The Hardest Part
Is giving up
When you want to keep trying.

what if who they expect, isn't me?
2. or better yet what if i try to be what they expect,
3. and lose track of who i am?
4. would you still love me if i wasn't me?
5. or better yet
6. would you love me even more?
7. if you answer yes to either of them,
8. forgive me for leaving,
9. but how can i stay
10. when the person you love isn't me anymore.

y o u
a r e
n o t
m i n e
and when i really think about it,
y o u
n e v e r
w e r e.
people have always been fickle
a constant storm of maybe-yes, maybe-no
in a world craving for certainty.
i thought that it might have been possible for you to be the one thing that'd never change,
but, oh how wrong i've been.
you are not mine.
you are His.
you have always been His
even when you didn't want to be.
you have always been His
even when you ran far                   far                    far                  away.
you have always been His
even when you said no.
you have always been His
even when you said yes to me.

you see, what i have failed to realize is that i own nothing.
nothing is mine.
all that i am
all that i have
is God's.
after all
who am i to say such things when He first gave them to me?

mother and father,
i cling to you so desperately but
you are not mine.

brothers and sisters,
whether by blood or choice
you are not mine.

pen and paper,
i have loved you for so long but
you are not mine.

and then there's you.
there has always been you
in the background
in the limelight
always somehow present
that somehow in my mind
i deemed you mine.

but like i said,
you are not mine.
you are His
fully and forever His.

"Is it a crime to have some faith in me?"

Scrunched up words
Held in the palm of my hand.
Constrained
By own fears.
Forced to suffocate
Underneath the weight of themselves.

Temporary fixes
Is all I've ever looked for.
A little something to take the edge away
A little something to make me forget
A little something to make everything okay
But it never lasts
This temporary fix of mine.
It's prescribed for my head
But never for my heart.
I keep wanting more and more
Because more and more
Just piles up
With
Each
Passing
Day.
This place I call home isn't the safe haven
I've grown up in anymore.
The endless laughter and smiles
Can't cover up the pain I dig into.
My precious notebook and pen
Can't scratch out reality.
Things have changed,
And I just want to get away.
But the more I've tried,
The more I've been denied.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
The pain can be buried,
But uncovered once again.
The cuts might not bleed,
But they've left a scar.
There has to be something more than
This-
Than this temporary fix.

will you tell me of the hues that drip and bleed onto your canvas—
the streaks
the smudges
the smears.
are they the ones flowing through your veins
twisting—turning
to reach that place I long to call home?
or maybe the ones residing in your eyes
flickering—hiding
behind the mask you too willingly wear?
will you
show me the color of dawn
when darkness sheds its skin and kisses goodbye.
the amethyst seas
where sirens beckon from the deep.
the color of blood
when it meets oxygen’s lips.
the strokes of rain against the window pane
where you spent your autumn afternoons.
the cups of undrunk tea
that your mother left sitting on the kitchen table.
will you
show me the hues of your paint-stained hands
that I have yet to hold
so maybe—just maybe—
I too can see the colors you see.

You're the dream
      
          I don't
    
               Want to believe in anymore.

you said you’re on a quest
to find the blessed rest
which can make a person feel whole—
and thus ease your burdened soul.
so with a wooden ship but neither compass nor crew,
you set sail across the seven seas in search of what man knew.
you argued with the fates
and begged the gods to open the gates.
you refused to entertain the silence of your mind,
and scorned the stars of the sky for not being aligned.

so with questions unanswered and feet more calloused than before,
you altered your course to a more distant shore.
to a land a man once spoke of where the sun did not exist
and where life flourished when midnight was kissed.
a place where the only music heard was the laughter of souls
and the only thing which existed was man’s fleeting controls.

and though the months have turned into years
and nothing has changed—especially not your fears,
i hope a morning will come when our feet touch the same ground
and the great unknown is at last safe and sound;
i hope a day will come when the only thing forsaken is your desire to roam
and you—you, my dear friend, can finally come home.

Like you were the back of my hand.
Didn't have to think twice
Or wonder about what words to use.
But now I can't even put two and two together.

It starts off with a little space-
Right there in that mind of yours.
Just in the back
Hidden in the corner
Behind your hopes & dreams.
They talk.
They say.
They whisper.
They shout.
They write.
They type.
The push words like
Worthless
Nothing
Not good enough
Never will be
Till they lay scattered on the floor.
The voices outside pile them
One
On
The
Other
Until they push down your walls.
Day by day
The voices grow.
Day by day
The words start to bleed.
They flow through your fragile veins
And into your heart.
Can you feel that?
Feel your heart slow down
Thump
T h u m p
T  h  u  m  p
T   h   u   m   p
T    h    u    m    p
Under the weight of their words.

Is what I feel out of obligation or sincerity?
Cause quite frankly
Nothing's making sense to me.
I'm standing in a crowd of people
And all I see is you.
But I swear,
I don't.
I don't want to see you again and again and again.
You'd think once was enough,
But fate must hate me
To give me another glance of you.
I keep telling myself that this
Wasn't
How things were supposed to go.
There was so much left to do
To say
To accomplish.
Tomorrow was (not) our day to take by the hand,
But now Yesterday is dragging me back.
Clinging to me.
Since I'm the only one left standing there.
There's just one thing to do.
One thing left to say.
Then it'll all be over.
But
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't say the words that I've been dying to say.
I can't say "goodbye."
Goodbye was never an option,
But it's starting to sound like my solution
To this never ending equation.

I was never one to stay and you were always one to leave.
We were from opposite corners of the same puzzle,
But how I wish we could have clicked together.
& maybe in some sense we both already did.
We were both wanderers-
Seekers of the great unknown.
Walking the paths of others before us
Just to find a place to call home.
& I suppose I should be happy-
No, thankful-
In having our paths crossed.
But it's quite a shame they weren't intertwined.
I would have liked that very much.

Paint me a picture with your words.
Sing me a melody so sweet.
Take me by the hand
And together we'll run.
Run straight to the moon
Where they can't reach.
We got the world in front of us.
The stars shine for us-
Cheer us on.
For the galaxy can't keep us apart
When you're holding half my heart.

you asked me where i wanted to go,
but all i said was i don't know.
you handed me a map,
but i laid it on my lap.
i rested my head on the window
and watched the passing show of
tree
after
tree
after
tree.
i took solace in the one thing
i knew i had-
myself.
it might not have been enough
but it was the most that i had.
so i held it tight in my chest
and braced myself for the road
set before us.

it
took
me
sixty
two
days
to
realize
that
the
distance
between
you
and
me
is
not
measured
in
miles
but
rather
moments
.

it
took
me
two
thousand
and
fourteen
miles
of
roads
a­nd
highways
to
learn
that
you
are
not
home
to
me
.

yet
it
took­
me
twenty
minutes
to
read
between
the
lines
and
see
that
i
had
m­issed
the
fine
print
once
more
.

God, You are uprooting me.
You are taking me from a place where I knew everything
To a place where I don't know anything.
I don't know where to go
Or who to be.
I don't know people anymore-
Just names and faces.
I miss the comfort of my home-
The sweet relief knowing that I was surrounded
Embraced
Known
Loved.
I am human after all.
I like my comfort.
I relish my comfort.
I crave my comfort.
I protect my comfort.
But You?
You are taking me out of my comfort.
You have taken my hand and led me past the precious walls of my security.
You are breaking down my walls.
You are breaking down me.
& I am scared.
God, I am so scared
Because You have never asked this of me.
You have never told me to go four hundred and five miles away from home.
You have never told me to leave my family and friends and church.
You have never told me to uproot myself.
Yet that is exactly what I am doing.

God, you are uprooting me.
You have brought me to a place where I am forced to know nothing.
But
I'm starting to accept that my knowing nothing is right.
I need to know nothing
But You.

There's so much I want to say, but all the words stay jumbled up in my chest.
There's so much that I'm feeling that I don't want to feel.
I used to want to cut out this heart out of my chest,
But after awhile I realized that this heart of mine
Should not be hated – but thanked for.
I used to want to be numb—
Feel nothing at all.
But having the ability to feel
Is what makes me me.
If I didn't have a heart,
But just an empty cavity,
Then I wouldn't be able to care about
You
Or
You
Or
You.
& the truth is that
I care about you and you and you a lot.

I know it's just a number,
Something made up of ones, twos, and threes.
It isn't a label,
But I feel as if I've lost the stamp of approval.
I'm way up here
But I want to be way down
there.
After all
The less one is
The more he is viewed.
& sometimes it doesn't hurt to be seen.

The spaces between our fingers feel i n f i n i t e
Even though you're a mere an inch away.
But I guess that's where we'll always stand.
We're just two puzzles pieces to the same picture
But not the right match.
You were a chest to be unlocked,
But I couldn't be your key.
I opened my door to let you in,
But I don't think you were so certain
On what to do.
Would it have been such a crime
To stay the night.
Whisper secrets while under 3 am's spell.
Tell the things we kept inside our guarded hearts.
Would it have been such an unthinkable thought
To think
That second chances were possible
(Then again it felt more like three).
It could have been different-
It would have been.
But, sweet pea, like they say
Not everything's meant to be.
& one of those things apparently
Included you and me.

(& no, it was not like Martin Luther King, Jr.).
I had a dream that you had died
And I was still here.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
So instead you said hello to a place I could never go.
You would think that I would have felt something-
Known that you had just let go.
Perhaps a tugging in my chest would have signaled
The pulling of strings-
The undoing of us.

But no,
I felt nothing
(just like you do now).

I didn't even have time to process or mourn properly
(if there is even such a thing)
Because the next frame was your funeral.
I sat in a pew in the back
And I couldn't remember if I was wearing the black dress you'd liked.
People were telling stories
Of who you were and what you did,
But I couldn't handle it.
I didn't want to hear about was and when and were.
I wanted to hear you.

This insanity is keeping me sane.
This frustration
Reminds me that I can still feel.
This pain in my chest
Tells me that my heart is still working.
I let out a breath of sweet relief
Knowing that I haven't grown numb just yet.
But the "yet" sends a chill down my
s
p
i
n
e
Because "yet" means soon.
& the "yet" means I can't escape.