i met you when i was 14
and like an addict with their first dose of ******
i had a taste of you, liked it
i grabbed and hooked on to something
way too soon

i met you when i was 14
had my first kiss on a train in the sunset
something so strangely intriguing
it was beyond perfect, felt like home
and i thank you for that

had my first kiss on a train in the sunset
i gave my body to you
i thought that one day i was going to marry you
your fingers and lips traced every inch of my skin
our love was naked and raw

i gave my body to you
you were there in my room
we shared a playlist of stolen lullabies
i could see you up against the closet door with me
i closed my eyes as the moonlight washed me through

you were there in my room
i reached for you and you pushed my hand away
in the darkest crowd of the busy station
i saw you cry for the very first time
as the unforgivable words slipped out of my mouth

i reached for you and you pushed my hand away
we danced under the christmas lights
we never made it 'til the season
the decorations were put up too early
just like us

we danced under the christmas lights
you left me like my soul had left my body
phone call, 19:35
i guess you were relieved
but nobody else would care for me the way you did

you left me like my soul had left my body
i was a **** mess
no food, no shower, no friends, no life
i couldn't leave the couch due to my fear
that even seeing the littlest something would've reminded me of you

i was a **** mess
you had blades running down my skin
we were toxic
our love had both of us walking on a tightrope from the very beginning
i guess you fell off first

you had blades running down my skin
i found myself
you stold my highest passion - taylor swift
we were going to see her show later this year
but i was left with a spare ticket

i found myself
i was getting over you
sleeping, crying, dancing
until the music came back into my life
until i saw the sunrise for the first time in 6 months

i was getting over you

i finalised my "divorce" today. well, it was a breakup. 2 years together, lived together, shared our cats, shared a life... all that. so yeah, it felt like a mini divorce.

and i couldn't help but notice how relatable the song "happiness" by taylor swift is now...

"all the years i've given is just **** we're dividing up"

he left the house a week ago. today he came by, and divided up our shared things.

"tell me when did your winning smile
began to look like a smirk?
when did all our lessons start to look like weapons
pointed at my deepest hurt?"

when i first met him, it was the stuff of fairytales - like most relationships. we shared some of the best memories of our lives together. but like all good things, it came to an end. over time, we became stressed with life's responsibilities. we became toxic to each other, and both made terrible mistakes. towards the end, it became the inevitable to end things.

"after giving you the best i had
tell me what to give after that?"

i gave it my all. we both tried our best. it just wasn't meant to be.

"haunted by the look in my eyes
that would've loved you for a lifetime"

how i wished he was the one... given any chance, i would've loved him for a lifetime. i miss him. i miss the life we shared. i grieve for the future we will never have.

"i can't make it go away by making you a villian"

but just because the relationship failed, it was still extraordinarily beautiful. i hold zero resentment towards him at all. no negative feelings. i wish him all the best in the future.

"no one teaches you what to do
when a good man hurts you
and you know you hurt him too"

these lyrics hit me the most...

"there'll be happiness after you
but there was happiness because of you"

goodbye, lover. maybe in another lifetime, our paths will cross again. but for now, i wish you all the happiness in the world. i will always have love for you deep in my heart.

let's hug forever
under the stars
let our skins morph
until we melt into one

i've cried enough tears
to water this spark
but you chase away
the clouds in my heart

stepping off the last train
you marked me like a bloodstain
laid there in that central park
humming to our midnight lullabies

telling stories from our past
dreaming adventures for the future
with your body heat next to mine
there never was a cloudy night.

you know
if we never moved
perhaps we could stop time
everything would be frozen
in this infinite moment
the stars would stay in the same position
on this deep blue canvas
if we never left that beach
everything would stay still
if we never moved
you know

Being chasing fires
Yet you were still a dream
Butterflies on the other side of the waterfall
Close, but can't seem to reach

You were a sandstorm
I was the Northern Light
Chaos
I guess i led you on.

for so long
i’ve been guarding myself
against the world
i know the feelings are true
that you love me
and i do too
but i’m scared to fall
afraid to hit the ground and s h a t t e r
like the way it was before

every time i get happy
hearing those sweet words and blush
my mind beats against my heart
reminds me that i’ve been broken
the past haunts
stealing away the present
why?
i don’t know...

when i find myself taking screenshots of our midnight conversations
something tells me that i’m in trouble
“oh no, stop it right now girl! you know this won’t end well, why try in the first place?”

so i find myself back here
pacing back and forth
alone in this matrix
wondering if i’ve dodged a bullet
or lost the love of my life.

i'm in that sunken place again
where you never existed
and i don't, either
floating in my darkened consciousness
sinking, drowning, dying in
pain, regret, sorrow

3am
i'm lying wide awake
bathing in the moonlight
that once lit through our 5 hour conversations
the empty space beside me
feeling so insignificant now

lonely pillows soaked in tears
whispering the saddest lullaby:
"come here, moon child
you'll fly too."

i just wanna curl up into a ball
wrap myself in blankets
the only safe place i've ever known

lean back
smash my head into the pillow
fall back
and sink into this familiar dark abyss

like a cocoon
but i won't emerge as a butterfly
i'll just rot here
and become a corpse.

for me, i've always liked the idea of drowning

it seems so peaceful, serene

slowly sinking into the dark abyss

consumed by the water that once gave you life.

Are you today's date?
'Cause you're 10/10
And you cut yourself 10 times
On your left wrist today.

I think if the world's quiet enough
The sound of my heartbreak would spark a recognition in you
Because it sounds exactly like
Your footsteps walking away from me

I was abandoned
In the darkest winter
At my very own front porch
I've never felt so alone

My skin tingles
Every time I feel your presence lingering
I guess
I am in love with a ghost.

So much of our lives are spent in separation
That reunion feels like resurrection

We spend time in agonizing anticipation
For that perfect day
And often forget to savour the moments in between

Seeking euphoria in the midst of chaos
Don't you think we can hardly keep up our pace?
I wish every second is as slow
As the one i spent locking eyes with you in the crowd
When everything else simply
Fades

My heart is longing
Grasping at thin air
For something that belongs to me
Yet i cannot reach.

I know that you like it
But i hate it
I ******* hate it
But you like it when i hate it
You may win this game
But i win at life
I stayed on this Earth
I chose life
I stayed. Alive

Oh depression
I ******* love you too
Every time you mess up my mind
Take my breath away
Haunts me like humidity and dandruff in my hair
When i haven't got the motivation to wash it for weeks
Oh it strangles me like a cat

In a dark night
During your favourite time of the day
You worst nightmare
Silence cannot save you
But they see you
They see the most vulnerable parts of you
And they laugh
Boy they laugh
'Cause well **** it
They don't understand
The pain
The dying
The fighting back
How are you so brave and strong
Just getting out of bed in the morning
Which sometimes
I don't
I can't
I lay on bed
Until i know i'd miss my train
Then i'd miss school
Then i'd feel ****
Helpless
You know
I don't have a choice
It's like both paths are full of monsters
And you linger at the cross-section
Until the lava consumes you

Anxiety I'd marry you if i could
And keep you up all night
On our wedding night
To give you the sweetest taste of your own medicine
Shut all windows
And fill the room with hydrogen cyanide
I'd die with you if i have to

Oh honey you know you have hobbies too
Things that get you passionate, excited
You know
Once you were a happy person too
But those things
Be it reading
Catching up on your favourite shows
Go for a run, swim, hike
Bake treats with the aroma of home...

You shut everyone out
Convincing yourself that you only let people down
Telling yourself all the mean things you will never tell another soul
Because you know
It hurts
Those things aren't exciting
Nor do they give you passion
Your happiness has expired
Longer than the milk in your refrigerator
All you do is sleep
You either eat way too much or starve for days
You cry
You scream
You cover the scars on your arm
You either are in desperate need of attention
Or you avoid everyone and everything

We are all so young
So damaged
But baby it's okay
You're doing good
You are fighting with every last breath
You are still alive
And living comes with possibilities and new opportunities
You wouldn't wanna miss out of those
Would you?
Baby it's okay
I'm okay.

I don't know how close i can get to you
Without wandering away from myself.

They said she could not love
Another soul
But O God she loved
She loved too much
She loved too many
She loved every:
Face
Body
And soul...
She didn't hate
She loved
She loved like a flame burning the house down
She loved with a thirst
She loved too much
Disappointment and jealousy hit her like a bang
She turned love into pain and hatred
She doesn't believe in love anymore
She cannot
Love
Another soul

there are always two sides to the same story
two voices singing the same song
maybe i was never enough
maybe i was, more than enough
sometimes i wonder if you wonder the same things

have you ever had the thought of running back
to put a semi-colon instead of
a full stop to our infinite possibilities?
do you sometimes fantasize us two
lying on paper-thin ice
in Alaska
and having no fears
because i'm holding your hand?
under the green, blue, pink, purple, yellow, red
aurora borealis
and millions of stars?
have our heads tilt toward each other
at 4:09 am
in our fluffy snow jackets and boots
and lean in for a forbidden kiss
just
one
kiss
then go back and gaze at the Milky Way
with more thoughts in our minds than there are stars reflecting in our eyes
imagine a place that is ours
it's where a wise man confused reality for dreams
it's in the middle of nowhere
in our deepest fantasies
it's where we hold on to each other
and everyone else simply doesn't exist...

at 4:09 am
i wonder
if sometimes
you wonder about me too.

i am a dainted rose
and the flames consume me
i know i am nothing
but i still try to grow
through the cracks on that brick wall
i just want to grow
and shine
the plastic
it traps me
it cuts the air off
my petals fall
and my colours fade
all
nothing
was i ever something
to someone?
i am a crumbled up piece of paper in the corner
i am a paper airplane
crafted with every ounce of hope
landed head first onto the floor
picked up
thrown and tossed without a care
came crashing onto the cold hard ground
god it hurts
picked up again
die
live
die...
eventually
i belong to the trash
i am a piano with broken keys in the middle of a forest
the melody long gone
i hold onto them
they slip through my fingers
like the sunlight slip through the gaps between the leaves
sparks kiss me
and my broken pieces
i try to sing a song
that beautiful boy
his fingers traced along my body
touched my soul
every inch of my skin
he admired me like a work of art
the breeze lifts my hair
he lifted my soul
i try to remember
yet the more i reminisce
the more they run
my memories are lone wolves
and i am the hunter
oh
please
stay a little longer
just
a little
...longer
for i
am
a dainted rose.