You don’t make me sad
It’s those monsters in my head
That tell me hurtful rumors
About what one girl said

I listen and I wonder
How could someone say those things
When not a one is true
Yet look at the pain it brings

You don’t make me hate myself
It’s those words on that screen
The ones that say I’m *****
When I couldn’t be more clean

Cyber bullying is not a joke
Yet no one does a thing
They let it happen constantly
And I feel the pain that stings

You don’t make me give up on life
It’s the fists that give my bruises
I’m not strong enough for this life
My pain it bleeds and oozes

I tried to be brave
But this life just isn’t for me
I gave up on this life
And there’s no place I’d rather be

She was a lovely girl
Who cared so much for others
But the ones she cared for most
Are the ones that watched her suffer

Her bruises are visible
Her heart is broken in two
But no one did a thing
Because there was nothing we could do

Now the rumors are dead
The words are deleted from the screen
Her bruises are heeled up
And now she’s forever unseen

lessons are learned
and hatred hurts
but i'll slip away from your grip
just to feel the burn
on my lips
down my throat
in my lungs
overdose
i might not live
my body could reject this poison
boys &
***** &
smoke filled rooms
where'd you go my girl?
overdose
don't get too close
recovery only lasts for a time
but then times up &
it's back to the bottle &
drunken kisses &
rolled up death notes
overdose
no one knows
i can't help it
relapse many times in a row
third times a charm  
that's how life goes
you get real high &
then down you go
*overdose

She's a champagne princess
          She's a little 4:20 hunny
                    A splash of class and sass
               All mixed up in a whiskey glass
       She has a heart of gold
  A life that's young &
           A soul that's old.

We tend to focus on the wrong things, forgetting what's important
When I was six years old I thought that life was always happy
But as I grew up my mind got contorted
Into what people whispered under their breath
And the word 'love' being thrown around like it was nothing
When I reached the age of seventeen my view of life was death
I now understand that love isn't always true
And that some men can't own up to their mistakes
For the longest time my parents didn't think I knew
But it's very hard to hide fake love in front of a teen
Because school did teach me at least one thing
It was that adults aren't always truthful to young kids like me
Because they don't want to mess up the family 'dynamic'
But what they didn't realize is that it had been ******* up for years
Yeah, I've downed a couple beers
If I keep things from them, of course they're keeping secrets from me
Mom, you don't have to lie to me
I've seen worse things
I just wish you would tell me the truth
Is there a reason you're sleeping in a different room?
Dad, please stop disappearing
I don't know where you go but mom would like to know
You don't answer your phone
You act as if you're not apart of our family
Your cover is blown
You eat at the dinner table absently
You never have time for us
Check your watch it's almost seven
You should be home by now
You would have thought you'd learn your lesson
I can't do this
Watch my family fall apart
It's been going on long enough
It breaks my ******* heart
Please stop this
I didn't ask for a separated family
When I was young we were so great
What happened to that fantasy
I grew up
That's what happened
I started to realize through my grown up eyes
That life isn't what it looks like on the outside
You have to look deep within to notice all the lies
The husband is a cheater
The mother is a forgiver
The son has been gone
But the daughter was like a river
She cried all night
Asking God why is this happening?
My family has been falling apart
And you sit back as it's unraveling
Help her!
She's my mother and I love her
She's hurting and she's trying
But she never gets anything in return
Help him!
He's my father and I love him
He's disappearing and he's blind
And he doesn't see what's right in front of him
A family who loves him
But he's been looking for other things
We try to give him all his needs
But we fail to do so
And the darkness proceeds
I get jealous of these other kids
With the families that are together
They care for one another
And they play games every night
They go out to eat on the weekends
And I'm stuck here despite
All the stories I have about our wonderful past
Too bad that we couldn't last
We had so many more adventures to go on
I wish I was six years old again
But I guess we can't all win
So I'll sit back on the sidelines
And watch my family slip by
This is the year my family fell apart
Not together in distance and never in heart.

darling,
       you're beautiful.
                      but not in the way most
                             people see
                      in the way your eyes blend
                             from brown to green
                and the way your freckles scatter
                             along your face
             and how more beautiful can you be
                      when your eyes light up
                                your smile appears
                                        & laughter springs
                                            out of your chest
                                   what a beauty you are
                             special, like the stars

they cover my face from forehead to chin
they rest in the most uncomfortable creases
they are red as a rash
and big enough as a bug bite
they stick out, they lie under my skin
they hurt and they sting when I try to scrub them clean
i’ve tried washes, creams, pills,
special oils, face masks, lotions,
the works
i don’t like the mirror because it makes me look at
these things that take up half my face
i don’t like to take pictures when my face isn’t clear
and makeup just makes it worse
i don’t like to go out
because I know others are watching
and wonder how someone could be so ugly
these pimples just don’t go away
no matter what I do
so please, if you meet me
and want to give some advice
i’d much rather you not
because, you see
i’ve already tried it all
and please do not utter that phrase
for I surely will blow up in flames
”oh stop acting like it’s such a big deal”
try living as me for a day
and you will see
that this feeling of dread
about the bumps on your face
never goes away
and you will surely see
that you look like this
and they look like that
and I promise you wouldn’t want to be me

when she's happy, she can't stop talking, but when she's sad, she doesn't say a word.

It's a strange feeling to see someone like who you usted to be. You see that forgotten girl in her hollow face. The way her cheekbones dip in a sulking way. It's like a permanent stain of sadness etched into her expression. The bags under her eyes show her sleep deprivation due to stress and anxiety brought on by thoughts created by her own demons inside of her own head. Her hair is very thin because very few locks remain. Her suffering hides in the lining of her collarbone. She feels it as if it is a sculpture, rubbing all of her worries away. She is comforted by her hip bones, the way they bulge out like mountain peaks. Her stomach craves for nutrition, for a taste of happiness. Although her body demands the continents of her kitchen, her mind screams No! You can see the lining of her stomach and wonder if that was really you way back then. The way she struggles to breath as she runs, forcing herself to endure more pain that she already experiences. She can feel her chest burning, little does she know it's acid eating away at her, killing her slowly. Her thighs no longer touch, they breach a gap so wide, you wonder how her legs can withstand such a faulty structure. Her lips are a lavender hue and you wonder if she ate something purple, but no. You know deep down it's the cold that fills her body constantly. Even in the summer she wears long sleeves and jeans because the shivers that go up and down her spine are so strong that she may convulse if she were not protected by her warm clothes. Her fingers are slim and seem to be those of a creature that's non-human. Her body is so frail and so weak. But it's become a safe haven for her. The constant glances in the mirror. Examining her body for any flaws that might have surfaced. The constant fight between body and mind whether to starve or to survive the day. I'm hungry, says the body. You're weak, says the mind. As I look at this stranger I see myself. My forgotten self. That forgotten girl long ago who saw her life dwindling before her eyes. Those broken pieces still surface now and then. And that forgotten girl will never truly be forgotten. Because she used to be a part of me. My best friend, yet my true enemy. My anorexia.

Today is a good day
        The air is crisp
           The smell of brewed coffee is in the air
     Autumn brings its new beginnings
Life is starting to finally make sense.

i am a lover of the sea
as the stillness extends past the horizon
as creatures make their way beneath the surface
it is home to many kinds
wild sinners run free
secrets sink their way to the bottom
where they hide their history for eternity
people mistake the ocean for being clear blue
but beneath the surface is a rainbow
that bounces through the sun rays
mermaid tails
dolphin calls
and fish that swim together
the ocean is just like our world
there's good things
bad things
there's beautiful things
ugly things
there's a whole world living in the ocean that we sink our feet into
we neglect the fact that we invade their home
when we throw a hook or ride a boat
we harm their lives and make fish float
the net that sits in the sea
captures many lives and hurts many families
the beauty that it beholds
is being damaged by our own hands
our own materials
our own harmful ways
i am a lover of the sea
and i believe that we should let it be free.

Baby don't cry*
You don't have any worries
You haven't seen the world through my eyes
You haven't ventured out into the crowd of people who will judge you
You haven't yet seen the darkness overtaking the light
You can't hear the cursing and the angry tones down the street or across the room
You haven't yet experienced a broken heart from a cruel boy
You don't have jealous girls spreading lies behind your back
You don't have fake friends that turn on you the second you walk away
You haven't yet known what it's like to hate your body  
You're safe in my arms
You don't have to worry
Baby don't cry
Life isn't hard for you yet
Happiness is all you know
Sometimes I don't want you to grow up
Because in this great big world
There's a lot of messy things
Messier than your face gets when you eat strawberries
Messier than your shoes get at the park
Messier than your hair gets in the morning when I wake you up
Messier than your words get when you try to speak  
Baby don't cry
Momma's got you
Let's take it as it comes  
And deal with the world another day.

who knew your words
could hurt me that much
worse than when
I scraped my knee
that night I was drunk
trying to forget about
those words you said

I do not fear falling in love. I am in love with many things. My family, friends, animals, sunsets, the ocean, the sky. I love these things easily and never fear loving them with my whole heart. What I do fear is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same way about me. To me, that is how you die while still breathing. You can never recover from that no matter how hard you try. The scariest part about it is that you’re never going to know if you’re falling for the wrong person. That is what I fear.

some people float
they float like boats over the reoccurring waves in the silent ocean
they float like burning paper when it escapes the fire and the wind carries it into the night sky
i love that view
if you’ve downed a few bottles it almost looks like it’s dancing
a fiery flame that whips and dips and twirls
i could follow it until it burned to ash
floating, disappearing

i do not drink to forget
i drink to float
i love the feeling of being lost in a blurry night sky that’s glowing with fire light
the warmth of the heat
the smell of the fire and ***** and nature all mixed into one
the taste of the drinks as they get unrecognizable with each sip
the feeling of being there but also being elsewhere
floating
i need that escape when things become overwhelming
floating
laughing, watching, disappearing
f        l
                    o
                             a
                                        t         i
                                                             n
                                                                      g.

It’s difficult to go from being dependent on someone to being independent. It wasn’t gradual, it was sudden. Like the way you are engulfed by fire, all of a sudden you are consumed. There’s nothing gradual, there’s no warning, it just happens and you’re left with nothing except fire and fury.

By His grace,
            I have lived a life full of contentment.
By His grace,
            I have climbed the steepest mountains.
By His grace,
            I have learned what eternal love is.
I have felt the sun and its warmth,
I have felt the rain and its ice cold pain,
But by His grace,
            I made it through.

We had commitment
Lacked intimacy and passion
We lost that feeling, that connection
But I guess what happens, happens
I thought we’d be in it for the long run
Thought you were my only one
But sometimes strong love deteriorates
Turning into empty love
We didn’t cheat, only argued
The commitment was there
But we lost that attachment
That closeness
I should have noticed
The detachment
You were absent
I didn’t know it would happen like this
If only I could rewind
But sadly I just sit here and reminisce
Why did I have to be so **** blind
Our love turned into empty love
Our love dwindled and died.

I feel pain everyday
A mental collapse inside my brain
My mind just isn’t the same

I’ve become a sad version of myself
I no longer enjoy the things
That used to bring me joy everyday

I no longer have a reason to wake in the morning from my slumber
Sometimes I wish before I drift off to sleep
That I may not wake in the morning

My wishes go unanswered...

I continue to rise into each day
Succumbing at the very end and praying that I wouldn’t have to start over again the next day
And so I do

I wake only to wish for the night again
I contemplate the purpose of continuing it
What is stopping me from stopping me?
Only the what ifs

What if it gets better
What if one day I no longer cry
What if I no longer crave the pain to cease
And it simply isn’t there
What if one day I no longer want to stop breathing
Or stop my heart from beating
Or contemplate ceasing

What if I want to live

My thoughts are plagued by neverending hopelessness of an even worse tomorrow
I tell myself that it doesn’t get better
So it mustn’t

My hope died a long time ago
Along with my carefree soul
And passionate heart
It ceased

So I must cease along with it
I must become forgotten
I must be no longer.

In life we'll be forced to do things
          
              things that hurt us
  
        that tear us apart,
                
                                that make us feel empty.

We will be placed in an environment

          where we hate ourselves
  
      where we will be put down,

                                    harassed.

Life doesn't give us lemons
      
                        it gives us hateful words
  
           that we sculpt inside out head
  
                   and spit out onto people like
  
             dirt.

It's true when they say life isn't fair

                it takes us for a nice ride

then while we're sleeping in the backseat,
        
                          not paying attention

it goes over a road bump without warning us

                  and we're jolted out of place

         put out of our space  

               as our world comes crashing down

and you wonder why you were never warned.

Tell me how you can stand there and tease a kid

                                      for wearing glasses

                or liking superman

      or not exactly 'fitting in' with a certain

  group or clic.

In life we will be forced to do things

                like move over in the hallway

because the cool kids take up it's entirety

          or keep our mouth shut about bullies

    because the teachers call it 'child's play'

In life we will all scurry around

                           on hands and knees

          and no one will offer a hand

                   they would much rather tease.

I'm not exaggerating when I say

         this life isn't for me.

she's the girl who blushes every time you stare at her a little too long.
she's the girl whose laugh is contagious & whose hair is always a little tangled.
she's the girl with a real smile & freckles that fill her cheeks & nose.
she's the girl who cries at night wondering why her life is so messy.
she's the girl who counts the stars & makes wishes on shooting comets.
she's the girl who loves too much & forgives too easily.
she's the girl who always gets hurt & yet continues on like a soldier.
she's the girl you'll find reading a book until 3 am.
she's the girl whose heart is broken into pieces & stitched up by her own hands.
she's the girl who will leave your clothes smelling sweet.
she's the girl who will love you with every inch of her body.

she's the kind of girl who will give you her heart, so please handle with care.

She loves glitter
And if you try and take away ZuZu, her blue tiger
She will scream and cry
She loves to color, and not just on paper
Sometimes random objects find their way into her hands
She's sneaky and quick
She might not walk yet but she can crawl super fast
She loves wearing skirts and bows in her hair
She's really goofy
Her favorite food is ice cream
She loves to make me laugh
She's a pro at hiding her shoes so she doesn't have to wear them
She's my little princess
And I couldn't imagine a life without her

He’s gone now
Not gone forever but gone for awhile
He’ll be busy
And won’t have the time for me
But I still
Sit by the phone and wait

Hopefully it rings...

let me sip this wine
and go back in time
          to when we were young & free.
running wild
          not much on our minds
wondering
         where we could get the next dime
hovering
         over each other's bodies
covering
         so they wouldn't see the bruises
"honey
         there's more on your mind than drugs
what is this side of you?"
        
         "it's the side that no one knew
cause life is a blessing
         and we're wasting our youth."

Inspired by Devan Ducasse, fellow HP writer*

"You're upset, I can tell,
You know I'll never hurt you, right?
Just stop crying."
He says

And I stopped crying.

"I hate always fighting with you,
It's my fault babe,
Why don't you just apologize."
He says

And I apologized.

"We need to stop having ***,
I want to focus on you,
Take off your clothes, bad girl."
He says

And I let him take off my clothes.

"We spend too much time on our phones,
I'm sorry I don't make you a priority,
It's nothing babe, get off my case."
He says

And I believed him.

"I need to do more for you,
Would you like red or pink roses,
Go buy your own **** flowers."
He says

And I did.

"I'm going out with the guys,
I promise to stay out of trouble,
I'm not drunk, *****."
He says

And I didn't say a word.

"I should compliment you more,
You're the most beautiful girl in the world,
Wow, that chick has to be a model."
He says

And I didn't state my opinion.

"I can be your shoulder to cry on,
What's wrong with my baby girl,
I swear I'm listening."
He says

But I know he isn't.

"I love you for your heart,
Your personality is what caught my eye,
Your body is mine."
He says

And I didn't disagree.

"I want to give you the world,
You do so much for me darling,
You're so selfish."
He says

And I tried harder.

"I hate my family,
You're the only one who understands me,
I will never let you help me."
He says

And he never did.

"You never give up on me,
I know I'm really ******* you,
How could you just stop trying."
He says

But I never did stop.

"Please don't ever leave me,
I couldn't do life without you,
Just leave."
He says.

And so I did.

"I made a huge mistake,
I need you in my life,
If you love me, come back."
He says

And so I walked away.

I walked for miles afterwards
After I got the news that broke me
Instead of shriveling up like a prune
I walked
I couldn’t stay still otherwise I’d think
And I couldn’t think
I would crumble
I’d fall into an unending abyss of what ifs and whys and how could yous...
I walked
And the night air made my tears dry up
I was hoping it would dry up my pain
Dry up the thought of you with her
The thought of every lie you ever told me
The thought of being alone
I stopped walking
I realized at that point in time, I didn’t need you
I never did
You are no longer the air that I breath
I have my own lungs
You are no longer my hopes and dreams
I dream of other things
You are no longer the love that brings me life
I give myself life
You are no longer my forever and always
I have a new beginning
I walked back home
And I breathed with my own lungs
And I realized I didn’t need you.

You left
It was not subtle
The way a storm accumulates in the distance
It was all at once
The way rain comes unexpectedly on a sunny day
It pours down
Getting caught in the rain

You left and he came
He came swiftly and with purpose
Giving me more love and comfort than you were ever capable of giving
He made me seem worth the time and effort
He gave me hope of better tomorrows and joyful todays
He never let me go to sleep thinking I was a waste of space
You always let me go to sleep
You never tried to make my heart happy
You were always worried about your own needs

You haven’t left me but you left me
You’re still there but you’re not
This lost and distant entity has gone unspoken
Maybe you’ll realize what has happened when I no longer answer your dwindling calls
When I take trips to the beach with my friends without telling you
When I smile in pictures that contain him
Maybe you’ll realize what you’ve lost
Maybe then you’ll know that it’s over
You might try to get me back, but that will be far too late
You may beg me for another chance but by then you will have ran out of them

You left me but then I left you
And that is when you will notice
To you, it will come all at once
Like the way rain comes unexpectedly on a sunny day
It pours down
And this time, you are caught in the rain.

I remember your kisses
And the feeling of your hand in mine,
Heartbreak is a war inside ourselves
But we must continue to shine.