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Daisy Rae May 1
he died today.

he left a long message for his wife and his son.
i wonder what was racing through his mind as he typed those words.
was his hands shaking.
was his heart beating so loud that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
i wonder if he ever considered stopping.
did he hesitate.
did he think that maybe this isn’t the right answer.
did a voice above tell him to put it down.
i wonder if he was scared.
was he afraid to die or did he find peace.
did he question where he would end up or was he certain he’d see the pearly gates.

i wonder why he did it.
why it was so bad that he had to leave his wife who loved him and son who adored him.
tell me why.

why is there a young widow in her 20s and why is there a 3 year old boy who won’t ever see his dad again.
tell me why.

i hear these stories often and it makes me sad for awhile and then i forget about it.
but i can’t stop thinking about it.

i weep for a man I didn’t even know and a mother and child who have lost someone dear to them.
i weep for the people that make the decision to end their lives.
all the pain bottles up into this big ball and consumes them.
there is no other answer, solution, or choice to be made because this is the only decision that makes the pain go away for good.
tell me why.

he killed himself today.
yet the world continues on.
tell me why.
Daisy Rae Apr 3
What if one day the things I cannot wait for now
I stop waiting for later.

What if I stop wanting a lover
And simply want my own company
With a few cats and a book.

What if secluding myself becomes my oasis
And the presence of others makes me sick.

What if I no longer wish to be a mother to many children
Or any at all.

What if the only friends I hold near and dear
Are the ones inside my head
And I push everyone else away.

What if I stop trying to by happy
And I merely exist.

What if I get so tired of trying
And fighting
And suffering
That I just give up on my dreams and hopes for the future.

What if I’ve already gotten there
And I don’t know my way back.
Daisy Rae Mar 24
I feel pain everyday
A mental collapse inside my brain
My mind just isn’t the same

I’ve become a sad version of myself
I no longer enjoy the things
That used to bring me joy everyday

I no longer have a reason to wake in the morning from my slumber
Sometimes I wish before I drift off to sleep
That I may not wake in the morning

My wishes go unanswered...

I continue to rise into each day
Succumbing at the very end and praying that I wouldn’t have to start over again the next day
And so I do

I wake only to wish for the night again
I contemplate the purpose of continuing it
What is stopping me from stopping me?
Only the what ifs

What if it gets better
What if one day I no longer cry
What if I no longer crave the pain to cease
And it simply isn’t there
What if one day I no longer want to stop breathing
Or stop my heart from beating
Or contemplate ceasing

What if I want to live

My thoughts are plagued by neverending hopelessness of an even worse tomorrow
I tell myself that it doesn’t get better
So it mustn’t

My hope died a long time ago
Along with my carefree soul
And passionate heart
It ceased

So I must cease along with it
I must become forgotten
I must be no longer.
My current mental state
Daisy Rae Oct 2018
We had commitment
Lacked intimacy and passion
We lost that feeling, that connection
But I guess what happens, happens
I thought we’d be in it for the long run
Thought you were my only one
But sometimes strong love deteriorates
Turning into empty love
We didn’t cheat, only argued
The commitment was there
But we lost that attachment
That closeness
I should have noticed
The detachment
You were absent
I didn’t know it would happen like this
If only I could rewind
But sadly I just sit here and reminisce
Why did I have to be so **** blind
Our love turned into empty love
Our love dwindled and died.
Daisy Rae Oct 2018
Today is a good day
        The air is crisp
           The smell of brewed coffee is in the air
     Autumn brings its new beginnings
Life is starting to finally make sense.
My favorite season.
Daisy Rae Sep 2018
I haven’t always been an addict
I remember a time when I judged those who clung to bad habits like their life depended on it
I used to think why can’t they just stop?
I used to wonder why people would risk their lives just to feed that desire
If my 14 year old self knew me now she’d be ashamed
I wish I could go back and tell her that those friends are going to get you addicted
They’ll introduce you to things that you’ve always wanted to try
And eventually they’ll become things you can’t turn down
She probably wouldn’t believe me, she’s always been naive and stubborn  
I wish I could tell her that drinking only makes you forget for a little while
And that blurriness you feel only lets you escape for one night
And when you wake up the next morning the only thing you’ll look forward to is getting drunk again
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I could tell her that blunt won’t fix the loneliness in your heart
And that good feeling you feel right now is only temporary
And you’ll find yourself craving that again when your high is gone
You’ll blow your money that mom gave you on grams instead of what you told her it was for
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I slap that cigarette out of her mouth and tell her how addictive and deadly it is
And how mom would be so disappointed in her if she knew
And how stupid she was for allowing herself to succumb to all these things
It’s not that bad she would say
I wish I could tell her about the time she drank so much that she passed out in a strangers home and didn’t know where she was the next day
I wish I could tell her that she almost ran into a ditch and died because she was high while driving
I wish I could tell her how she couldn’t go a day without smoking at least 3 cigarettes and mom found out about it
you were right she would say when it was too late
Hooked on *****, drugs, and cigarettes
Crying alone in her room at 1 am, knowing that she couldn’t keep doing this
But not knowing how to stop
I wish I could tell her not to judge those people stuck on bad habits
Because one day that will be you too
And you still haven’t fully recovered
I can’t just stop she would say
And she still says to this day.
If I only could have warned my younger self
Daisy Rae Sep 2018
Listen right now
and you better look me in the face
You were created for more
than to die in this place
Some people believe the lie that it’s best to die.
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