Reading through the old poems
Seeing how things have changed.
How I have changed.

Before, loss was my only friend.
All I understood was heartbreak.
But I survived it.
I think
In my heart
That everyone must know true loss.

True horrifying heartbreak.

It makes you stronger.
It shows you the way to real happiness.
It shows you what the smile of a true lover looks like.
What her touch truly feels like.
You know how her voice sounds when she means what she says.

"I love you"

They're just words. But
on her lips, they are my saving grace.
When she says that
This broken heart knows that she means it.
I've learned, through failure,
What the true love sounds like.

It's not just a phrase, its a feeling, a rush, a fluttering in your chest.

Watching life unfold,
My life.
Powerless to change the way I am,
Unable to control the way my life goes,
No control on this ride through the years.

My life feels like a movie,
The sets made up,
The actors with lines remembered,
The events set to unfold despite me.

I spend the day thinking,
"Don't do that"
"Why are you doing that"

But I cannot stop myself from taking these actions.

I'm utterly without control,
A spectator in my own life,
A watcher from inside my body.
It's a strange feeling and I wish I could change it

"******, I am certain I have a reservation here"
"Sir, I think maybe you have a stay some where near?"
After this latest crazy guest, I'm gonna need a beer.
Check everybody in.
Throw more towels in the bin.
Out through the door, let out a cheer.

Miss you
See you
Want you
Need you

All these things
They certainly are true
Or at least I'd like them to be.
The thing is
I know they're not true for you.

You've gone
Become someone new.
Someone despicable
Annoying
Aggravating
Appalling.

And that
That is why I know
When I say "I miss you"
I mean the old you
The one that was

The simple
Brown eyed girl that cried on my arm.
That sobbed when she missed me
That texted me every day
That smiled no matter what.
That promised forever.

But you know what?
You didn't mean those things.
So know this
When I said I need you
I don't mean it.

Because I have another now.
One who means what she says

I have the person who you were
And she means to stay that way

Don't hate me.
I promise,
I tried to make this all better.

But you see,
My darling, I'm just a **** up.
I was never ready for this life.

Everything went wrong
And I couldn't handle it.
Please don't hate me.

On your way out
Do not pout
Nay slow not tarry ye heathen
I've known long of your thievin.
Betrayed I was
By a boy of round eyes and peach fuzz.

Taken my prizes were
By a child with a leopard's purr.
Twas in night much as this
That his presence I did miss.
For gone was he
Out the window did he flee

The scoundrel, rapscallion, fool,
For Twas beneath the window, a frozen pool.
Through the ice did he go
And a scream did he throw.

Fore drowning did he
That one what stole from me.

This girl, this blue eyed girl.
She makes me smile when
I think I just can't.
When my world crumbles to pieces
She's there to help me pick them up.
When everything seems like heaven
She keeps me grounded.
If I had to use
Only three words for her:
Beautiful.
Amazing.
Perfect.
But words couldn't describe
The way she makes me feel.
How my heart still speeds up
When she smiles.
How my mind races
When she says "I love you". Words can't describe
Something that can only be felt.
It's been an amazing year @jenna_joensen
Here's to many, many, more

It's hard to get over
The past.
It's just, really
*******
Hard.
But I'm trying.
I'm doing my best to forget it;
To forget you.

Today I realized
Why we never worked.

The problem was, you were
The only good thing in my life.

When the rest of my life was in shambles,
You were the only good I found everyday.

You took advantage of that.
Because I gave you my all.

But your life, your life was good;
I was just an extra piece of the puzzle.

When you realized that I didn't fit;
You just passed me off because I wasn't
Necessary.

The problem was my life.
I thought you were my life, because I needed
You to be my life.

Too much was going wrong.
Too much was ****** up.
But you were perfect
To me.

The problem was always me.
Me; and my horrible life.

Can I be good enough?
Am I good enough?
I'll never be good enough...
For you

When I crashed my bike in the driveway,
She was there.
When I fell out of the tree and busted my wrist,
She was there.
When my first love broke my heart into a million pieces,
She was there.
When my dog, my first pet, my best friend, had to be put to sleep,
Still, She was there.

Through every injury,
every heart break, and heart ache;
Through every day that left me behind,
and the problems that were always on my mind;
She was always there.

Now that I have grown
become the person she always wanted for me to be,
Now I know,
that I am here.
I am here for her
Like she was always there for me.

For you, mother, I will do anything.
For you today, I say this:
Happy Mother's Day, I love you with all my heart.

It's really fairly simple,
To love, and be loved.
Or at least
It should be

You'd think
In a world of 6 billion,
Living in a city if 300,000
I would have more to do.
But here I am
Missing you.

I know you've got
Friends and plans and a full life.
What do I have?
Just loneliness and a need to see you.
I know we will spend time
Together, and time apart.
I just wish it was
More of the latter
And almost none of the former.

But I know you need your life
And I have to create mine.
But I've isolated myself
In my mind

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.
I wish you knew this solitude

I want you to know me.
I want you to here me.
I want you to feel me.
I want you to love me.

But there's some things you should know....

It won't be easy.
It won't be simple.
It won't be every day that you find me perfect.
But hopefully
It will be worth it.

I think you should also know...

That I have hated myself
That I have wronged myself
That I have hurt myself
And if you hurt me
Then I won't be able to do this anymore
I won't have the heart to keep going.

But most of all....
No matter everything else...

You should know that I love you

A million things to apologize for.
Ten thousand times I wish Id said
"I'm really not ******* okay".
A thousand days I want to do
Over again.
A hundred times whispered
"I hate who I have become"

Ten days that all I saw
Was the end I need to carry out.

And one
Just one
Simple step.
Slide the knife
End your life.

But instead I held on.
I hoped for better.
I prayed I could be more.
And I found
That I'm not.

I'm still broken,
Still shattered,
Still lost.

I still hate who I've become.
Only now I scream it in my mind.
Hoping the world will hear
But praying no one will bother.

I don't want to be a burden
I just want to love her.
But maybe broken people are meant
To stay broken
And to break the things the touch.
Maybe I'm broken
Because I'm meant to be this way

"Don't hide your eyes"
She said
Smiling at me.
Though I couldn't barely tell.
That smile was elusive.
The pursed lips were more common.
Not necessarily purposely done
Just a side affect
Of my brokenness.
She looked through the shards
And found the pieces to put
My life back together.

"Smile you handsome man"
Every day she said it.
Not as a way to cheer me up,
No, simply as a heartfelt way
To say "I love you"
In different terms
And it meant more.

"You know I love you"
She whispered it
When she thought I was sleeping.
But I was in that in between
The limbo
Of sleep and waking.
And I heard it.

And I knew

She meant every word
Because I loved her too

I love her still.
Isn't it wonderful?
To be in love?
Not as a way to show it off
But as a way to know
That you've found the right one.
That picks up the shards and makes
You're shattered heart whole again.

She's done that
And I have for her.
And we whisper those words.
And the dark gives them true life.
It hides our surface flaws.
It leaves only the words
And the love behind them

Sometimes
You break your own
Heart.

The way the smiles
Turned to tears.
The way the joy
Was crushed by insecurities and fears.

The way we went from snuggling
To bickering and namecalling.
The way the sparkle in your eye
Started to dim and eventual die.

The way you stopped saying
"I love you so much"
And the way your voice
Speaking in my head was made to hush.

The way everything
Seemed to implode.

Was it my fault?

You're my only friend.
My only companion.
You're my only rock
In this storm.

Sometimes I think
I'll be just fine without you.
But you're my only sanity,
My only way to know how to feel.

You're my only friend,
And you're two thousand miles
Away.

Our religion is time,
Our life is work,
Our love is sleep.
And we say
"Look at how free we are"

Maybe.
Just maybe,
If I close my eyes tight enough,
Everything will be okay.

When the world knocks
I won't answer.

When the world knocks
I'll pretend to be asleep.

When the world knocks
I'll hide in my room. I'll hide myself.

When the world knocks
I'll know I should be there
But I can't.

When the world knocks*
I hope it knocks on someone else's door.

Where
Memories remain
Where you feel whole
Or is it?

Isn't it lovely?
That no matter what
No matter how bad something is
No matter the horror it brings
No matter the heartbreak
No matter the pain and sadness
No matter any of it
Life goes on.

It simply does.

Every day
It goes on.

That you said a lot of things
But meant very few of them.
You said what I wanted to hear
Gave me hope when I had nothing.
And you took it away
Because, me, I believed you.
I believed every word you said
Because I needed them to be true.
I need you to mean what you said
"I love you"
"I need you"
"I will be yours forever"
I needed those words to be true.
Needed you to be true
Yet,
You weren't.
You were taking advantage of the moment. The time
It took me to fall in love.
You took my need and used your greed
To get something out of it for you
Only you.
You left me when you promised
Forever.
You disappeared and said
"I was young when I promised you that"
You made an excuse
To go off and leave me gasping
For air.
Pinching myself hoping to wake up.
Telling myself it would be a dream
Forcing myself to know it wasn't real.
And then
Then came the pain.
The regret.
The fear.
That I was wrong.
That something was wrong with me.
I've never known pain like that.
And I never will again.
You broke that part of me.
I'll never love like that again.
Because it's too hard to know the pain.
To have the fear of the same outcome.
Do I want love?
Yes.
I want the nights in my truck.
The days waiting for you.
The smiles from you
The look in those brown eyes.
I mistook it for love.
But that's not what it was.
It was something else.
Something without words put to it.
Something worse than hate.
I wanted the "I love you"s
The "I need you"s
The smiles and kisses.
All of that I needed it.
And you knew it.
Well you got your wish
I'm broken because I trusted you.
And that's the worse thing I can imagine
Because you made it seem simple.
Well goodnight and good luck ladybug.
This the last time.
The last day you'll get from me.
Because know I'll live for myself.
And maybe I'll know love again.
I don't know...
Maybe I don't want that

You're allowed to feel lost.
You're allowed to be heartbroken.
You're allowed to hold yourself in sadness.
Remember,
You're allowed to be human.

Go to work.
Make money.
Spend all your time.

You have to do something you love.
What if there's no "salvation" waiting above.
Make the most of this time here
Take the day off with your friends and a beer.
It's this one life we've got.
Take this day as your one shot,
To be better, to live happier, to be you.
Tell me, friend,
What will you do
To make this day live for you?

There's many things I'd change--looking back.
I wish I'd been nicer in high school.
I wish I'd tried harder to be myself.
I wish I wasn't always trying to fit in.
I wish I'd tried harder with the first
woman I loved.
I wish I'd given my family more of my time.
I wish I'd been more careful with my feelings.
I wish I'd understood how quickly money can
Be frivolously spent.
I wish I'd been a better friend
And a calmer person.

Looking back on it all;
I don't think I have regrets.
It all led me to where I am today.
But there are some things I wish I didn't say.

Don't
Give up
On
Your life.

Time heals all wounds.
You can move on from anything.
What doesn't **** you, makes you stronger.

It's all cliches and proverbs
But honestly
Life does get better.
Just be willing to give it time.

How I
See myself,

Is not how
You
See me.

Thankfully.

I cannot help but blame
Myself for every time you've failed.
I cannot help but blame myself

For every time I've held you back
For every time I've let you down
For every time I've been the issue
For every time you had to pick me up
For every time I was at fault
For ever one of your failures

I cannot help but blame myself.
I should have been stronger.
I should have been better.
I should have been more capable.
I should have done more.

I gave up on my life because it didn't seem worth it. Now you're giving up on yours
Because you've followed my example.

And so I'm blaming myself. I'm hurting myself
Because I did this all to you

I blame me.

A blanket of white on the ground.
The same covering the trees around.
Wind blowing the snow in my face.
Honestly, I love this wintery place.
It's home to everything I know.
In January, all we can see is the snow.

My driveway
Crushed stone, over dirt.
That's all it seems to be.

But it is so much more than that.

That stone connects to the street
that street to the highway
that highway to your street
and your street to your driveway.

My driveway brings me to you.
It takes my heart, to yours.
Its a connection
A lifeline, between us.

But you don't see it that way.
You're there
and I'm here.
A while ago we might have been together.
But now
Now you don't need me
You don't want me
You've got your life
And it doesn't include me.

My driveway connects to you
It leads right to yours
But you're not welcoming me in
I wish you would.

I'm sorry the connections are gone

I shouldn't have told you
The things I worried about.

I shouldn't have told you
The worst fears I had.

I shouldn't have told you
I was afraid to lose you.

I shouldn't have told you
How I felt about myself.

I shouldn't have trusted you
Not to pull the trigger on my heart.

I should have written poetry.
Maybe then you would have stayed.

I love you
That's what it is
I've loved you
Every minute
Every second I've spent with you.

You smile
And my heart races.
You speak and
My ears are instantly listening.
I touch you
And the spark between is lights up.

My dear
I'll have you know
That minute by minute
My love for you has grown.
I'm amazed
I wish I could put this to words.
But simple words are nothing
They cannot describe how I feel.
You my love

I will love you until this world ends

Swiftly running,
walking quickly,
champion
oh ye achilles.
writer scratch pen and scribble
breakest morn
oh eggs ye dribble
wander now oh complacent traveler
and know ye hear
that blood doth spatter
kings afoot and kings abhor
this deceitful day of Elanor

Worry not for
The man who freely sheds tears
In the face of grief and loss.

Fear, instead,
The man who feigns
Bravery and deference
In the face of sorrow and sadness.

It is the second man,
Who will act without emotion.
He will hold inside
The turmoil and sadness
Until it boils over.

Like a ticking clock counting
Down the seconds to the end.
It will be he
That needs the support the most.

In the face of death
We need one another.

It's okay
Once in a while
To have to let go.

You want them
To stay
But some people can't.

Some people need to move on
And you should too

At night, the darkness is the worst.
Not the lack of light
The lack of courage in my soul.
My demons rush in
The monsters come out
The worst thoughts make me want to hide.
But I can't.
I don't get to run from the past
I don't get to hide from my mistakes.
I only get this night
And the morning that follows.

When the darkness closes in
And the monsters bare their fangs
I hope for you then.
I hope for your touch
For the smell of your hair
For the light in your blue eyes
For the whisper of your words
Of your love.

I hope for all those things.
My shields against the terror
My beacons in the darkness
My guiding light through the fog

I hope and wish for you
In the darkest night

With love,
With lust,
With loss,
With longing,
With desperation.

Say it quietly.
Shout it out loud.
Scream it in ecstasy.
Savor the taste of the words on your tongue.

All that I ask
Is that you speak them to me.

Just those three well known words.
Say them to me.
Think them with me on your mind.
Whisper them at night when I sleep.

I don't care how you say it.
Just say, you love me.

You have to be strong.
Because me, I'm weak,
I've let them break me down.

You have to be wise.
Because me, I'm confused,
I've let them cloud my judgement.

You have to be loved.
Because me, I'm despised,
I've let them change who I am.

You have to be far from me.
Because me, I'm a sickness,
I've let them destroy the good in me.

I've let them turn me into something I
Don't recognize anymore.
I've become what they always wanted.

Visceral reactions,
Overwhelming emotion,
Words flowing across the page,
Everything contained in the lines.

Life is poetry.
Poetry is our life.

The days we live,
The lives we carry on
It's all symbolism and imagery,
It's all poetry.

Blinking at me.
Demanding something of me,
Something I cannot give it.

The cursor demands meaning and direction,
It demands thoughts and ideas to put to words.
Those I don't have.

All I have is this cursor.

Blink
Blink
*Blink

I...
    ...Loved...
                     ...You...

The dark and the light.
It's not quite morning
And not quite night.

The sun still hides,
The moon, it's time it bides.
The day, yet to break
My bed, soon I'll have to make.

But in this moment there is silence.
There is nothing to do, yet.
Just lay, and listen to the silence.
The best moments hide in between
The end of the night and the start of the day.

Here,
In this moment I can be happy.
I can allow myself a respite
From problems and worries.

They say the dash in between your birth
And death
Is the most important.
And it is.
That's where the living is done.
That's where the memories are made.
Where love and loss
Happiness and sadness
All come together to make a life.
In between