sometimes, i hear it
i miss it, and want him back
i miss the feeling of what i thought was love
and my family getting along so well
i miss our 4 am face times and the love he gave to me
but then i remember,
he never was patient
he always wanted to know more
i gave him more, yet he never listened
i cried and screamed at his false suspicions
he yelled back, his voice raspy from staying up late, indecisive on whether he wanted to make ‘us’ work
i cried because he never trusted me
i laid in bed, restless,
because he sent me to bed uneasy, fighting all night
yelling over the phone
never letting me glance at any other boys
never letting me talk to many girls
never trusting me to even go to walmart
it was unfair
and yet, somehow, i occasionally miss that boy
it’s been a year. i cry because i miss that love. i cry because i mess up and still get scared to this day that the boy i like is never going to trust me.
i want just one day
where i’m alive
and you aren’t.
or where you’re in jail
and i’m feeling the warmth of the sun.
i just want one day
where i don’t have to be scared
June 27, 2019
i hate punishing other people
for the hell you gave to me
all because they share your name.
i know they aren’t you, they’re good people,
but i can’t help but feel uneasy about it.
i hear your name and it rings in my head.
it takes me back to where i was
when i knew you, when i cared about you,
when you lied to me, when you ruined me,
and it brings the sinking feeling in my stomach
and the pain in my chest that i once felt
all over again.
i feel the familiar and dark shades of gray all over again.
i feel the dullness all over again.
i feel the fear all over again.
i feel the weight on my shoulders all over again.
i feel the pain in my soul all over again.
i feel the coldness in everything all over again.
i feel the putrid disgust all over again.
i feel the disconnection from myself all over again.
i feel the anger all over again.
i feel my guard go up all over again.
i feel the distaste in my all over mouth.
i feel the burning in my veins all over again.
i feel your radiating hate all over again.
when i hear those four letters
it takes me back to where i was
where my youth and sense of safety
was forcefully stolen.
- you forever ruined your name for me
June 27, 2019
i’ve been struggling to sleep at night thinking about the possibility of you coming back for a second attempt to toy with me. of what would happen if you did. of the possibility of getting my skull cracked against the pavement when walking alone. of my body forever going cold in the woods while you’re laughing because you finally got what you wanted. it’s scary knowing someone probably wants you dead, but i hope you know everyone knows who you are and you would never get away with anything if you tried. i may go lifeless, but at least my friends will know in an instant that it was you, and everybody in the world will know your name. i’d finally be avenged since seeking revenge isn’t in my nature. you’ll get what’s coming to you one day, regardless of a second attempt, and that’s enough for me.
June 25, 2019. 2:43AM
i hate that i sometimes feel like i deserve what you did to me. and i can chase those thoughts away once they come but i know they still reside deep inside of me; a sad truth. i hate myself for being so ignorant to your cancerous deceit. for ever trusting someone like you and not leaving when you turned. when you started to scream. when you got angry. when you made up lies about yourself and me. i know i’m not a good person, and a part of me thinks i had it coming because of that. but another part of me knows i never deserved what you did, and that i don’t deserve to be awake right now because of this. and sometimes i think i deserved worse than what you did, but i know there’s not much worse you could have done given the distance between us.
- if i were you, i would have just killed me
June 25, 2019. 2:16AM
i will never be able to forget
all the horrible things you said to me.
i can’t shake them,
i can’t erase them.
they will forever be with me
in the back of my head,
following me wherever i go.
i can perfectly recite what you said.
all the disgusting things you dreamt of.
all of your disgusting fantasies.
i can recite it all.
i remember it all.
i have to live with it for the rest of my life.
and i hope you feel sick to your stomach
just like i do,
but from guilt and disgust of yourself.
i hope you find a real contrite in yourself,
and not those fake emotions you mimic.
not that fake sympathy and empathy.
but i truly think you’re incapable of that.
i just hope it keeps you awake at night
for the rest of your life
just like i will be.
June 17, 2019
lately i’ve been digging up a couple of old wounds
and now i can’t stop writing about you.
June 21, 2018
"forgive them," they say.
"not for them, but for you."
"forgive but don't forget."
i never understood those lines.
why would i ever forgive you
for what you did to me?
for some peace of mind?
no, i don't think so.
it doesn't work like that.
not with you.
not with abuse.
forgiving your fake excuses
for all your permanent abuse
is something i can never justify.
and it will never bring me peace
no matter how hard i try.
i can't forgive you even if i wanted to.
but you don't deserve it anyway.
and i'm fine being resentful.
i have every right to be.
you strung me out
and pulled me apart thread by thread.
you bled me out and wrung me dry.
and forgiving you won't change a single thing.
it doesn't undo the damage thats been done,
and it doesn't stop future sleepless nights.
it does nothing but make it seem okay
for people to do what you did.
it does nothing but justify your actions,
actions which have no valid justification.
it does nothing but make me look weak
because i gave in and forgave someone like you
because the pain was too much for me to handle.
so i won't do that.
i refuse to be weak.
i will triumph despite the rage and pain,
and we will both die with this hatred in my veins.
- i will never forgive you.
June 17, 2019
it’s been 925 days since we’ve last talked
and nothing’s keeping me from going outside.
i’m not afraid.
nothing’s keeping me from loving someone
and from trusting someone.
because you are not controlling me anymore.
i am not a victim of you anymore.
the progress may be small,
but it’s there nonetheless.
and as much as i hate to admit it,
there are still nights where i feel sick to my stomach
thinking back on all the words you’ve said.
nights where i want to rip off my skin
and totally destroy myself
just to see if i can purge you from my soul.
but regardless of how long it’s been,
you’re still a part of me.
you always will be.
you bit down into my skin
and now you’re venom plagues my veins.
and i know that will never change.
925 days of yelling at your ghost.
of hearing noises and thinking it’s you.
of fearing your return.
of wondering where you are and what you’re doing.
of thinking about everything that happened.
of questioning why you decided to destroy me.
of hoping i’m the only one you did this to.
of praying that karma will take its toll.
and of hoping i will never see you again.
it’s been 925 days since we’ve last talked,
but everything you said
still vibrates inside my head.
June 8, 2019