I smile as tears roll down my cheeks The blissful moments I can’t seem to recall Perfect memories become demons gnawing at their own echo Passionate hugs tightened to a strangling embrace The electricity in his eyes filled with cold determination The racing of a heart in love, infused with anxiety The touch of skin, rubber Numb and painless And the beautiful memories continue to haunt me
sometimes, i hear it i miss it, and want him back i miss the feeling of what i thought was love and my family getting along so well i miss our 4 am face times and the love he gave to me but then i remember, he never was patient he always wanted to know more i gave him more, yet he never listened i cried and screamed at his false suspicions he yelled back, his voice raspy from staying up late, indecisive on whether he wanted to make ‘us’ work i cried because he never trusted me i laid in bed, restless, because he sent me to bed uneasy, fighting all night yelling over the phone never letting me glance at any other boys never letting me talk to many girls never trusting me to even go to walmart it was unfair and yet, somehow, i occasionally miss that boy
it’s been a year. i cry because i miss that love. i cry because i mess up and still get scared to this day that the boy i like is never going to trust me.
i hate punishing other people for the hell you gave to me all because they share your name. i know they aren’t you, they’re good people, but i can’t help but feel uneasy about it. i hear your name and it rings in my head. it takes me back to where i was when i knew you, when i cared about you, when you lied to me, when you ruined me, and it brings the sinking feeling in my stomach and the pain in my chest that i once felt all over again. i feel the familiar and dark shades of gray all over again. i feel the dullness all over again. i feel the fear all over again. i feel the weight on my shoulders all over again. i feel the pain in my soul all over again. i feel the coldness in everything all over again. i feel the putrid disgust all over again. i feel the disconnection from myself all over again. i feel the anger all over again. i feel my guard go up all over again. i feel the distaste in my all over mouth. i feel the burning in my veins all over again. i feel your radiating hate all over again. when i hear those four letters it takes me back to where i was where my youth and sense of safety was forcefully stolen.
i’ve been struggling to sleep at night thinking about the possibility of you coming back for a second attempt to toy with me. of what would happen if you did. of the possibility of getting my skull cracked against the pavement when walking alone. of my body forever going cold in the woods while you’re laughing because you finally got what you wanted. it’s scary knowing someone probably wants me dead, but i hope you know everyone knows who you are and you would never get away with anything if you tried. i may go lifeless, but at least my friends will know in an instant that it was you, and everybody in the world will know your name. i’d finally be avenged since seeking revenge isn’t in my nature. you’ll get what’s coming to you one day, regardless of a second attempt, and that’s enough for me.
i hate that i sometimes feel like i deserve what you did to me. and i can chase those thoughts away once they come but i know they still reside deep inside of me; a sad truth. i hate myself for being so ignorant to your cancerous deceit. for ever trusting someone like you and not leaving when you turned. when you started to scream. when you got angry. when you made up lies about yourself and me. i know i’m not a good person, and a part of me thinks i had it coming because of that. but another part of me knows i never deserved what you did, and that i don’t deserve to be awake right now because of this. and sometimes i think i deserved worse than what you did, but i know there’s not much worse you could have done given the distance between us.
i will never be able to forget all the horrible things you said to me. i can’t shake them, i can’t erase them. they will forever be with me in the back of my head, following me wherever i go. i can perfectly recite what you said. all the disgusting things you dreamt of. all of your disgusting fantasies. i can recite it all. i remember it all. i have to live with it for the rest of my life. and i hope you feel sick to your stomach just like i do, but from guilt and disgust of yourself. i hope you find a real contrite in yourself, and not those fake emotions you mimic. not that fake sympathy and empathy. true regret. true disgust. true pain. true sorrow. but i truly think you’re incapable of that. i just hope it keeps you awake at night for the rest of your life just like i will be.
"forgive them," they say. "not for them, but for you." "forgive but don't forget." i never understood those lines. why would i ever forgive you for what you did to me? for some peace of mind? no, i don't think so. it doesn't work like that. not with you. not with abuse. forgiving your fake excuses for all your permanent abuse is something i can never justify. and it will never bring me peace no matter how hard i try. i can't forgive you even if i wanted to. but you don't deserve it anyway. and i'm fine being resentful. i have every right to be. you strung me out and pulled me apart thread by thread. you bled me out and wrung me dry. and forgiving you won't change a single thing. it doesn't undo the damage thats been done, and it doesn't stop future sleepless nights. it does nothing but make it seem okay for people like you to do what you did to me. it does nothing but justify your actions, actions which have no valid justification. it does nothing but make me look weak because i gave in and forgave someone like you because the pain was too much for me to handle. so i won't do that. i refuse to be weak. i will triumph despite the rage and pain, and we will both die with this hatred in my veins.