I want so much,
But what can I do?
I just can't measure up,
I'm just not good enough,
I know it and I wish I didn't,
Because it just adds to the hurt,
I'm just never simply good enough,
I really wish that it didn't **** this much,
*It's got my dreams crumbling into mere dust.

So many plans,
Such mediocre deadlines,
*So little time.

And even though it always happens,
It still hurts like hell,
Every time.

I just want to be loved.
It gets tiring feeling insignificant.

When did it become,
So hard to write?

How could the words,
Leave my mind?

Everything is confusing now,
What was once so easy,
Gives me anxiety now,
I feel like,
Everything is in pieces now,
It all happened so fast,
But,
Why* now?

I feel like this is not the end,
Things might get worse,
In the end,
I'll be empty,
When I get to the end,
If there is one;
Is there an end to this?

I need you more than ever now,
But you have,
More important things now,
That you have to think about,
Now.

It ***** how things are,
I knew it wouldn't last,
Not forever.

You're always on my mind,
This pain can't erase you.

I hope you're alright,
I don't mean to worry you,
But you're got me worried out of my mind.

You're not hurting me,
But you're the only person,
That can take the hurt away;
But that's not why I miss you.

I miss you 'cause,
**Your presence completes me.

Told them not to,
Said it hurt me when they did it,
Begged them not to,
Gave a speech even.

Though I never thought,
The most stubborn person i know,
Would want to do it,
She's hard to restrain.

But she promised,
And now she's got staetler ink on her wrist,
Lines of red,
Crosses,
The stitches.

Never thought her pain could get this real,
I care alot,
I try,
But she always hurts.

Never thought the speaker,
Would need a speech,
Never thought this girl,*
**Would be me.

To supress devotion and feelings alongside,
I want to feel no emotions,
Excluding happiness.

To supress the pain of disappointment,
Hurt and distress,
Those that visit so often.

I wish,
I pray,
I hope.

I do those and then some,
To supress those that visit so often,
Yet nothing changes.


Yet I keep wishing,
Praying,
Hoping,
And then some,
To supress devotion and feelings alongside,
Because I want to feel no emotions,
*Excluding happiness.

He said to me with swollen eyes,
"Heaven is better than this,
  So if there is no purpose for my living,
  Why delay my rapture. I love you,
  But I'm only going to Hurt you if I stay."

A peck on my lips,
"Go, run home!"
And he ran,
I yelled and cried,
He ran and ran,
I stood, so scared,
With tears in my eyes,
Gun shots in the air.

No one could help him.
"It wouldn't be suicide,"
The words he said echoed in my head,
"I'm just going to be in the wrong place,
At the right time."

I ran and ran,
Cried and cried,
I couldn't watch,
It was a blood bath,
A riot.

I ran home,
Ran and ran;
But home was where he was,
And I didn't know where that was.

I cried and cried,
And in that moment I was certain,
*My soul had died.

I hear a lot of people say,
That  'I'm sorry'  can't fix anything,
Well,
At some point I believed,
That those people were just difficult,
But,
You've worn it out for me,
I'm one of those people now,
So,
*I'm sorry.

Sometimes you lose yourself,
To someone,
Empty out,
And it's all for nothing.

That person gets hold of the strings,
Becomes the oblivious ventriloquist,
Playing with you ignorantly,
And you can't escape it.

Now this person is smart,
But doesn't know it,
Plays with your heart,
Has impeccable talent,
Does all this effortlessly,
But you just can't break free.

You let this person in,
And get locked in,
Makes you seem naive,
But then again,
You must be,
You're the one that opened the door.

And I'll spam this if I must,
To save all your hearts,
It's all an illusion,
You'll be stolen from,
Your light will be taken,
Leaving one fatal thing,
*...

Scraps of paper,
Wasted ink.
Used to to express my thoughts,
Because I find it hard to speak.

People tell me,
Keeping it to yourself doesn't help,
You're going to drive yourself to a breaking point.

It's a ******* story they all want to hear,
No one really ****** cares.

I depend on my strength,
I've built a fence,
I tell people things so they don't seek the depth.
I'm a perfect actress,
My makeup never wears,
With a smile and invisible tears.

I hurt for no reason,
I bleed from within,
My heart,
I swear it's in pieces,
Even the melodies can't mend it.

I fear I'm a disturbance,
But an essential one,
When I'm not needed,
I'm an unnoticed painting on a fading wall,
Lonely though surrounded by flies.

People say it'll be fine but I'm done with hope,
I want no company,
For with it my happiness elopes.

Though a few people form that symphony,
And my melodies can't resist them,
But they fade like the harmonies,
That once explored my mind.

Sorry to bore you,
But i ramble when I'm nervous,
And I'm nervous of what you're probably thinking of me.

I have OCD,
It makes me clingy,
It seeks perfection,
I see no trace of it within,
I know nobody's perfect,
But I at least want to be suitable,
Living maybe more than just adequately,
*For myself.

See,
I wouldn't say that I don't miss you,
But I don't think I need you,
Not too much,
Not anymore.

I mean,*
I'm not better;
If anything,
Things are worse,
But that craving that you once gave me,
That craving for you,
Is possibly non-existent now.

I warned you not to make any promises,
I warned you about the others,
I warned you that I'd be stress,
I warned you,
But you're difficult,
I kinda wish you weren't.

Don't worry,
I've met new people,
Amazing people,
Not like you,
But that might be a good thing,
Or a bad thing.

These people are here,
For now at least,
But I won't fall,
Or so I say,
I don't fall easy,
But I fall hard,
Maybe I won't fall this time,
For whatever charm that is placed,
On me,
But,
I can't make any promises.

Now the main question is,
And I hope you're curious to find out too,
Do I still have feeling for you?
Déjà vu,
Well,
Maybe I do,
But nothing worth feeling,
But how can I be sure,
When you've been gone for so long.

I'll go mad,
Again,
If I let myself think about you,
Again,
You were right when you said I shouldn't,
But we both know I'm stubborn,
And determined,
But I've lost hope,
Kinda like our friendship.

I need to move on,
I need some help to move on,
But you've made me less trusting,
**If that's even possible.

To have your hopes smothered,
Stuck in this ****** isolation,
I see no light.

I might never recover,
Never thought I’d get this far,
Deep in this retched sea,
And I might never learn to swim.

Whatever confidence I had left,
Is fading with myself.

My self-esteem,
It’s non-existent,
My heart and happiness as well.

I’m hurting deeply,
Fading quickly,
Living fatally,
Faking emotions,
Drowning painfully,
Hanging on,
**To nothing.

With age,
The excitement seems to fade,
The day of your birth,
Becoming just,*
An ordinary day.