I look at myself and all I see is grey
I try so hard to pray it away
I know it's cliche
But I can't stand my own face

It's sad eyes
They see through my lies
My oversized thighs
My failure to revise
I despite this disguise

I look at myself and all I see is disappointment
Try harder I mumbled in exhaustion
What a collision
My own derision

One day, soon, I will look at myself and all I will see is joy
My reflection, I will enjoy not want to destroy
I will not be coy
As the sun dawns
All will be gone I vowed

I look at myself today and all I see is hope
For I am proud
I want to scream it loud in crowd
I am proud of me and you
And with that statement I feel so new.

Vulnerability is scary
I guess that's why I'm always wary
In the palm of another's hand
I solemnly stand

Vulnerability is scary
Someone I know barely
They could *bury me
In debris

I'm flesh and bones
Their words could be stones
The way you shake when you're crying
Or when you blink when you're lying
Because inside you know you're dying

When I tell you how I feel
I may begin to heal
This is so unreal-
Yet I still fear that you will squeal
What I tried so hard to conceal

Vulnerability is scary
I would like to say contrary,
I feel like a freed canary
How very wrong
I've made another prison
With bars made of vulnerability

My secrets have become a liability
For I foolishly trust
You will not run
When we are done

Vulnerability is so scary

They tell us we need education
It's a part of creation
It becomes your foundation
And you know what, I want to write a dissertation
But there's a sly deprivation
a twisted and greedy **** that creates this limitation,
our gardens are drowning in them.
Let's stop this perpetuation.
Let's stop the subordination.
We need a reforestation.

They have the education yet they lack communication.
Can't you see the starvation of education? It's causing me frustration.
They hold the apple of knowledge and dangle it above our heads,
I am surrounded by dead ends.
A ******* over education.

Lets demand our own salvation from this privation.
How would they handle a confrontation? Or even better a collaboration?
If we share education as a nation,
Then we can all go to graduation.

You're beautiful  but I can't remind you every ******* day
I can't rediscover that beauty all day
When I wake up at 6 am I don't think of it so
It's unnatural to so

But what I can do is forget it and become unimpressed
That would be unnatural
Forget to complement your dress
Forget to complement your eyes
Forget to complement your laugh
That would be daft

I can climb the top of your shoulders
Get lost in your freckles and laughter wrinkles
Discover the new sunset and it's death within you
Dismiss the rest as average
Is that okay?
But what I can do is silently admire it every ******* day

I don't want to walk in to a room full of strangers
have you even thought of the dangers?
Well I have at 3 am each night
they sure do bring me great delight

I don't want to walk in
oh my god give me some gin
They won't like me
I'm just a wannabe
Imposter syndrome
I just wanna go home

I don't want to walk in
They're looking at the white's of my eyes
I don't mean to dramatise
but I might die

I don't want to talk in
and I can feel my chest
I'm so ******* stressed

I'm walking in
Is this auto-pilot because this is your captain speaking and get ready for a crash and ****** burn
I've reached the point of no return

Walk in you big ******* baby
whats the worst that could happen?
I talk too fast with too much passion?
so what if they don't like me I already sound like banshee
At least try to be care-free
I can't make any guarantees
but step by step in to the room
it won't be all doom and gloom

Just walk in and see you might even make a friend in the end
who didn't want to walk in to too

Late night thinking
Unblinking and sinking
Rethinking my choice of words
It's absurd
Everything is so blurred
Fragments shifting through holes
I take on all these roles
What lost souls

Late night thinking
Tinkering with memories
I need remedies
These fragments slash through flesh
Fresh wounds fester
Exposing new memory holes

Late night thinking
Should I have said that
Combat of my mind
Memories become no mans land, blind
Confined within the crevices of my mind
I just want to unwind
Let's leave all this behind

Tomorrow, perhaps, you may find
Some peace of mind.

I don't want to be perfect
What an incorrect prospect
I like my defect
At least I'm not an object

My eyes do not resemble suns
My words are more like guns
Aimed at your sons
I've only just begun

My hair is not soft and fine
You simply cannot define
Or enshrine
Standby and do not whine

My thoughts are not innocent and pure
Nothing is secure
But I am certainly not your saviour
My behaviour brings danger
I am not your entertainer

My hands are not are not flowers
I have different powers
Which devours and towers
Over your mouth as he cowers

Nature is not just beautiful
And neither am I
How dare you belittle it with unsuitable lies
Save your goodbyes
I am not your demise, that would be unwise
Do you not realise I have a disguise?

I am not  perfect
Yet you could never recreate and resurrect my imperfections
Save your affections
I need to find my own directions, away from your infectious reflections

I hope you know
How much I care
Although I may not show it
You mean more to me than air
When I don't speak to you it's such a scare
I hope you know
How much I care
I swear without you I would tear
You hold my world together dear,
You're my glue it's very clear
You've replaced my spear with something sincere
I just want you to be near
I hope you know
How much I care
You are the answer to my prayer
My love I just want to declare
My emotions I want to lay bare
Although I find it hard
With these bars around- I always have my guard
But please don't just discard me
I hope you know
How much I care
I could stare into yours eyes where I'd be lost wondering all day
Everyone else would just fade away
I close my eyes when you're not there
And I remember the memories we share
There's always something in the air
You may be unaware
But you have always been there
I treasure you more than the moon does the stars
Everything is ours
I hope you know
How much I care
I may be attached to you like a heart to a chest
But you treat what I kept suppressed like it was blessed
I just have one request
I hope you know
How much I care
Because for you, wise guy
I would even die.

I hope you know
How much I care.

I know you loved looking at the stars
Sitting outside and admiring at what's ours
Shooting stats and cigarettes
I'm full of regrets

I should have come to see you
But I didn't have a clue
I know you loved looking at the stars
Sitting outside in the humid night
Where everything still felt bright

You seemed so happy I came to your side
It's still so raw inside
I look at the stars alone tonight
And I know it will eventually be alright
Because instead of looking at the stars, you're now a part of the constellations you used to describe to me  
You're up there, finally free.

Stargazing with you means that now looking at the night sky
I don't have to say goodbye.

There is another chapter in your story
Discover your new territory
Don’t look back, become an amnesiac
These pages are your remedy
Forget the despair and the lost prayer look elsewhere
Start with the first page and dull your rage
This new chapter will be your sage

Put the old pages to rest on sundown
And at the break of dawn you won’t have drowned
Floating in bliss with your pages as a raft
Expel your craft
Release the ink bound in chains within your fingers
Rebound for fresh ground
The sea washes away the sand
Let it wash away your mind
Time will find you a place to stand and I will have your hand

Yesterday is dead; no more tears shall be shed
Abandon that past dread
The ink is being shed
Your new chapters wont go unread
Don’t look back, but look ahead.

The Big Bang
the way you slam the door
I just ignore
because I want more

The Big Bang
what you do to my heart
when we are apart
I'm under your spell
like a dart to a board

The Big Bang
when you drag your cigarette
stay for another hour or two
maybe we can listen to a cassette
Who knows whats next?
the universe and I are just as complex

The Big Bang
standby
the derby can still fall

The Big Bang*
is the reason I survive
but the reason I'm alive
is because you arrived

Drifting away from the stars

I watch my decisions sway 

Look at all this decay
I cannot make my mind

Drifting away from the suns

I am confined and resigned 

My fate is designed

When the stars aligned

I am just so blind
Drifting behind


I want to be reassigned from mankind 

Maybe one day I’ll find my mind 

Maybe it will be refined, defined
But today I’m drifting 

Shifting in this world 

A peal in an underworld

Drifting away from the cosmos

Maybe one day it will be clear

But right now it’s foggy and dark 

I just want to disembark

I may be quitting but right now I’m just

drifting

Wake up
Come on, we have a busy day
Come on, you'll waste your day away,
We can go faraway or to a cafe
We can play or do something cliche

Wake up
Get up
I know it's hard and the world feels like a dump
Make that small jump
I won't judge if you firstly trudge
Once you're up, have courage
Once you've gotten up things will be sunnier
Life could be funnier

Wake up
Come on, I want to help you smile
I know the world is hostile
But it will be worthwhile
I want to be the ketchup to your chip
Come on, let's go on a trip
If you get tired you can relax in my imagination
You'll still have my *full admiration

Slowly realising this affirmation
Is my own situation
That would be nice,
If I listened to my own advice

and woke up.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid of being betrayed
By those who I love
So I stand in the shade
I dream of
Better days, unafraid,
Of being dismayed

I'm afraid of being alone
The grey unknown
Has been shown
The darkness is now my throne
My isolation is my crown
It rests upon my brow
I've become a clown

I'm afraid of my self
I sit alone on a shelf
Collecting dust
I want to combust
Who do I even trust?

My fears have moulded to my skin
Each inhale
Can cause me to derail

                                  My tale has made me pale
                                  For my fears are like a veil
                                    I have made my own jail

I use men over and over again
and they don't mind
I'm humane and kind
I don't cross boundaries
I'm just a guest
we both know it and it's already been addressed.

When he undressed me he didn't ask about my father.
When he kissed me he didn't press into my heart
because that place is very ****** dark.

I use men over and over again
to feel something
to have fun
it doesn't really matter,
because we're all agreed, this is something we both need.

But you pushed and shoved, smashed and cannonballed my wall,
I didn't want you to ask or see behind my mask,
And even though I fought this fight with laughter against your shooting questions,
you pushed and shoved against my door to find out more.

You were sweet I must admit, romantic and gentle,
but there is a reason everything is compartmental.

because when you left the next day you didn't stop to check the doorway,
where you carelessly left behind my open heart and eyes.
I didn't want to share my insides because as you walked away you didn't check to see what damage you had done.
Asking questions you didn't want the answers to.

I use men but I don't ask more than I'm ready to receive,
and they agree I'm not trying to deceive,
but you blew the doors of pandoras box and left me with the mess
that I now have to try and repress

Women should accommodate for men
Watch life through their lens
Follow the latest a trends
But most of all accommodate for your boyfriends

On men's magazines you see a body builder
A pillar, a vacuum, ******* in space
Toned and cloned
But women must have grace
On a women's magazine you see weight loss
Clearly we cannot be the boss
Go apply your lipgloss

My advice is reclaim your thrones and space
Apply your war paint
**** restraint
Do not let them encase you
In a glossy magazine
Do not let them erase your face
Climb up this staircase
Pick up your mace
Smash the glass ceiling

Do not accommodate for their feelings
Make them beg your forgiveness kneeling

Women should accommodate for their ego
Like a snake it wounds around your body
Tightening and restricting
Constricting your opinion
To give way for their dominion

**** them
**** all who stand in your way
Make them pay
For the way they made you purvey and obey
This is a new day
Today women should accommodate for the their own ******* selves
Not placed on bookshelves

Don't talk to me of love
Don't talk to me of love
I want none
This illusion of the above is crap
The words have lost their meaning
They're just stealing what we push on them

Don't talk to me of love
Oh would you like a dove to fly above?
Well ****
This word love, doesn't work like that
That is all just crap
Don't talk to me of doves and roses
Roses are a symbol of love they say
Quite right it has thorns all over it
And it quickly withers

Don't talk to me of love
Placing our hopes in others
What are these lovers going to do for you?
They all just fall through

This love you speak of needs glue
It's shattered and broken  
It's cynical and tired
And you know what - it's fired!

Don't talk to me of love
Talk to me of self love
Talk to me of friendship and family
Don't talk to me of superficial love
The coupled, masqueraded facade we all seem so willing to participate in
Put it in the bin

Don't talk to me of love

I have a bath everyday
Washing off yesterday's decay
Washing my hair,
From today's despair
Shaving away,
My memory bouquet.

They say water has powers
I hope it empowers
Momentarily drowning
Counting
One
Two
Three
Maybe I could dissapear?
Quickly I reappear
Watch the soap grow,
Like my hope.

The waves soon become a tsunami
I seem to have an immunity,
Like new opportunity.
The water calms, unity returns
The water no longer burns.

My fingers are wrinkled
I must return to the real world
Leaving behind my dream world
with the pull of a plug and a whirl,
My amniotic birth has brought me back
and ready for tomorrow's attack.

You ask me why do I cry
I cannot lie
my heart is shattered into two
You ask me why am I so blue
I'll tell you why my dear
I'm all out of tears from the years I spent crying over you

I value my life as much as you valued mine
If I die tomorrow my dear would you miss me
I sighed and cried, yet I didn't not see you

This strong willow tree is nothing but a shrub
This strong wolf is nothing but a pup
This rainbow has no luck
That swan is nothing but a duck
This strong woman is nothing but a fragile girl

You ask me why do I cry
I cannot lie
my heart is shattered into constellations
because of your creations
across the sky they lie
watch the pieces shine
but it is all lies
they're all dead inside

i don't miss you because you treated me like dirt
i just felt so hurt,
we had good times
but being honest you committed too many crimes

i don't miss you because you made me feel alone
you'd say i always moan
but did you ever think that i was saying something other than white noise
people would say they're just boys
but did you ever listen
as i opened the gates to my mind
or were you just blind and resigned

i don't miss you
but i keep falling through the same avenue
i don't know what i am supposed to do
but i know i'm through with you

i don't miss you
but why am i the one who feels numb
whilst you haunt my night
and rob me of my hindsight
because in the sunlight
i don't miss you,  but at midnight
all i seem to write about is how much i miss you with my spite

I joke I make a great punch,
but if you knew me you'd have a hunch
something is very wrong,
when I am very gone.

I begin sinking in my chair
my emotions are very bare
I feel my heartbeat.

This liquid courage is a cheat
the after taste is not very sweet,
I drank a glass, or two
it's all gone a bit askew.

This liquid courage is a cheat
I still don't feel complete
I drank a glass, or two
maybe I don't have a clue.

I just wanted to talk without thinking
I didn't want to feel like I was sinking
everyone else in the room seems fine
maybe I should just grow a spine
but it's not even nine and my blood is half wine.

I think I'm drowning,
why is everyone around me frowning?

This liquid courage is a cheat
I just wanted to feel upbeat
maybe if I reapply my lipstick- wait, I'm going to be sick

This liquid courage is a cheat
it leaves you downbeat,
you need to find your own two feet

Get up the chair, brush your hair
and then everyone there will become aware.
Don't worry about what to wear,
because they'll all stare.

Be bare and share, you don't need this much liquid courage
but one small glass I won't discourage.

I try hard to pray
I'm waiting for you to say or at least display
that you are here
I volunteer and adhere to all they say I should every year
Even when others sneer
It's all unclear
But I'm beginning to loose my faith

I don't attend church
Just trying to search
In a holy building I won't find you
But the truth is overdue
It must be untrue
For everywhere I pursue
Leaves me blue
I'm just asking for a clue
Because I'm beginning to loose my faith

Some say you're in the air
I stare in despair
Beware of the lies
Some say you're in the sky's
Maybe it's just a guise?
A disguise which denies me my eyes
I was baptised
Does that mean I get to share your Celestial City?
What a pity
You see I'm beginning to loose my faith

Just come down and denounce your scripture
It's all just a contemporary mixture
I can't see the picture
Maybe you're in my mind
Created by an unkind humankind

I am suddenly no longer inclined,
I am suddenly no longer blind
Never mind

I have not lost my faith, I never had it
It was never innate, I must admit
There are no big pearly gates
Just our small debates

For I have truly lost my faith.

I vaguely remember our car rides together
I wished they'd last forever
We drove around singing Queen
Imagine what could have been?
I'm nearly eighteen,
I'm beginning to forget

I vaguely remember us at Disney
I cling on to the memory fragments
Reenactments of my mind
I wish our lives where redesigned

I've been told you rocked me to sleep
Where are you now when I'm trying to fall asleep?
I vaguely remember your bad jokes
When I awake you're still not here

I imagine our little conversations today
We could play or sway or you could help me with an essay
Possibilities which will never be
Because you did not stay

It dawned upon me, I have spent most of my life away from you
That makes me feel so blue
I wish we could start anew
For I so desperately miss you

Dear dad,
I feel so mad
Whenever I ever hear the word dad
It's like I've been stabbed

Dear dad,
My backbone has been peeled away from my skin
Where the **** have you been?
Without my back I've collapsed into a corner,
you've become a foreigner.

Dear dad,
'My rock'
More like a useless chalk
Crumbling in my hands
If I dared to understand.

Dear dad,
We may be            apart
But you don't even try
Why?
I can't stand our goodbyes.
A knot of words lingers in my throat
Scratching and crawling on my tongue to come afloat.
I don't visit often because every time I leave my chest breaks away,
Why don't you even try to meet me halfway?

Dear dad,
Slipping through my fingers
Into your ashtray
We have truly moved too far away
Even if I lived next to you, in the same ******* house, we are too far

Dear dad,
Lift your cigar
Cover in ashes, the star.
He has forever left an ashy scar.

You mean nothing to me anymore
I am no longer your *****
go and tie that noose around your neck
you bet I won't be there
I think about you and cannot remember why
why did I let myself cry
why did I let myself repeatedly die

You mean nothing to me anymore
even your name is just an eyesore
I walk with pride with each stride
no longer sunken and petrified
of your inner Jekyll and Hyde

You mean nothing to me anymore
and with that statement its the end of this cold war
I don't know what my future has in store
but I'm ready to go explore
I'm ready to walk this road alone

You mean nothing to me anymore
I know on this path i'll fall down and ask what's this all for
with disillusioned hopes and words- I miss you come back
I'll get back on track and realise
You may mean nothing to me but I mean the world to me
and its about time I became a ******* priority.

When you casually left from my life
I know it’s cliché but it felt like a knife
I never expected to lose you
but I guess were through.

I can’t stop brushing my fingers on the old pages
it’s been ages since we last spoke
my eyes devour the written words of our history
how you left me still seems a mystery
your leaving took its toll
it left a void, a hole.

When you casually left from my life
I knew it was the right thing
but im pulling myself on this string.
Pretending its not happening
I never expected to lose you
but I guess our love wasn’t true.

I know I need to close the dusty pages I cling to
flick the new pages open and push through.
You seem happier while I still can’t sleep
I don’t cry or weep but I know my wound is **** deep.

It’s about time I had some good sleep
not tossing and turning and thinking
sinking in to my mind, unblinking

I know I need to write my next chapter
escape my abandoned captor.
Once I pick up my pen
I know Ill be almost new again
who knows what awaits
what the fates have in store
but I know i'll no longer be on the floor
thinking and rewinding our time together

I have an unsteady hand to open the new pages
It’s a slow and lonely journey, it may take ages
but I will write a next new chapter.
Where you have lost me but I will be free.

I’m over loving you

I know I’m over loving you because when I look at the space in my bed
It isn’t your outline
I know because I smile more often everyday
I know because I wanted him to hold my hand even though he wasn’t you
I do think about you in the strangest times, on planes, on trains and in coffee shops but as a passing memory
A traveller exploring a city but never experiencing its true delights
I know because I have grown up and I realise loving you was toxic

When I catch myself adoring you again, on your pedestal
I pause and wish you well
I know I’m over loving you because I want the best for you now, and I know now, that isn’t me

If you want to feel come out with me
just for the company
I promise I don’t always bite back and fight. The raging fire is subsided she is neutral, for now.
Is this happiness?
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
Feel the creases and the patterns of your skin, even just for the night.

If you want to feel come out with me, I know it’s far too soon to say I like you but the way you make me feel
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
The last thing I want is to confuse you darling but it’s far too soon to say can’t we just hold hands
Do I cross your mind as much as you run around mine?  

When we kiss I can’t stop laughing
Is this happiness?
I’ve been lost for a while, I may still be lost but I think I’d like to hold your hand just for a little while.

She skinned her knees crawling through her emotions
She opened her veins on paper and let the thick blood come trickling out
Her heart is made of glass and if you touch it light enough it will break into two, releasing a new beat
She lost her sight in love
She carved words on her chest as if without them she couldn't rest
She scratched words on her throat and clawed them on her tongue like they were her new oxygen supply.

She is a poem who I'm glad lived.

Our advice is loose a few pounds
You're too round, they said
They frowned and drowned your silhouette
We'll kick you to the ground

Our advice is take up less space
Women with grace should know their place
You're a disgrace
A women should not leave a trace,
For this is a mans place

Our advice is speak less
Your opinions are too excess
Just go fix your dress
You have men to impress
Don't depress them with your free thoughts

Our advice is cater to your surroundings
These stings of femininity are your duty
But you see you cannot flee
They key to your freedom
Hangs around the neck of ****
Beaten till you're numb
Look what I've become
Come come, look what you've made us do
Beat you till you're blue, because you flew

My advice is, crush the bones of your oppressors
Put on your armours, grab your spurs
Smash the words of your oppressors
You deserve answers not slurs

My advice is gracefully place your furs on your throne, built of their souls
Throw away their scrolls into the coals
Admire the fire within your porcelain chest
And create a bonfire for the blessed

Their advice is done, you are no longer their nun
Now teach these to your son
Or he may too be, thrown into the sun.

-CP.

hospitals remind me of you
the frail, the weak, the fed up
It’s been a year and I still think about you
It’s been a year and my chest still feels heavy
I tried my best to be happy and I still do every day but the thoughts of you rush to the front
My mind traces the memory of you in the bed
The beeping of the oxygen tanks
Your muddled voice
Your surprisingly warm hand but pink nose

the lump in my throat is supposed to go away, when will it leave me just like you did?

It’s been a year and I still find myself crying in bed, in the dark and busy bars, on busses and long walks
I want to hear your voice and stupid comments about greek politics

I know you’re resting in peace
I whisper quietly every night to you in the stars
but I still miss you
tell me how do I learn to rest in peace too, knowing you’re gone?

I joke I make a great punch,
but if you knew me you'd have a hunch
something is very wrong,
when I am very gone.

I begin sinking in my chair
my emotions are very bare
I feel my heartbeat.

This liquid courage is a cheat
the after taste is not very sweet,
I drank a glass, or two
it's all gone a bit askew.

This liquid courage is a cheat
I still don't feel complete
I drank a glass, or two
maybe I don't have a clue.

I just wanted to talk without thinking
I didn't want to feel like I was sinking
everyone else in the room seems fine
maybe I should just grow a spine
but it's not even nine and my blood is half wine.

I think I'm drowning,
why is everyone around me frowning?

This liquid courage is a cheat
I just wanted to feel upbeat
maybe if I reapply my lipstick- wait, I'm going to be sick

This liquid courage is a cheat
it leaves you downbeat,
you need to find your own two feet

Get up the chair, brush your hair
and then everyone there will become aware.
Don't worry about what to wear,
because they'll all stare.

Be bare and share, you don't need this much liquid courage
but one small glass I won't discourage.

Your good deeds are clearly seen
For you put them on our screens
By all means cause a scene
Your image is clean
Yet you're in between your mirror and your facade
The person in the mirror is a fraud

You've clawed your way up the ladder
Fooling everyone with your laughter
I beg of you shatter this sadder facade
Before it morphs your own reflection
Avoid perfection
Show me some affection

This person in the mirror is a reflection
Of your mask of deception  
Adjust your skin
It's become your twin  
It has caused wars
Not outdoors but inside the walls of your mind
You're so blind
Can you even find the person in the mirror

The explosions have shattered the mirror
Your soul is battered
Please remove the mask from you face
So you can find your place
Erase the disgrace you've become
The daily injection of lies has made you numb
Yet your reflection does not look glum
The mask so softly embedded in your face
I can't find a trace of the person in the mirror

The mirror is now a shadow of who you used to be
You ignored my plea
No longer free, an absentee from your life
What a strife

Endeavour to stay true to life
And you won't have to pay the ultimate price
And the person in the mirror won't be covered in ice
So heed my advice

I hope you find a way to be yourself
I hope you look in the mirror and you feel a connection to your own reflection
I hope you push away the boulder on your back, that pushed you down to the ground
For that is not where you belong
You should be crowned
Crush the stones for all the wrongs

I hope you find a way to be yourself
Regardless of what others think
Silence their intrusive thoughts with your darts of confidence
Silence their criticisms with your smile of indifference
You've been patient too long, the ink has ran dry
Stop and think
Do you really need that drink?

I pray the best for you but I cannot do it for you
I hope you find a way to be honest with yourself
Shed this uncomfortable skin
Your new life could soon begin

I cannot save you within
Pick up your own ink
For I hope you find a way to be yourself
Or even better to like yourself

I am not just my fathers daughter
Please can we slaughter
This idea that we belong to others
I am not another's

I am not just my mothers daughter
Please can we alter
This idea that we are not whole
I am not a doll you can control

I am not just someone's girlfriend
This view must end

Why do I have to defend this dead-end?
I recommend you look again
My fire has awoken, yet
You lit your cigarette
Has my individuality become a threat?
Please do not forget
I am not just a silhouette

                                           I am **someone

Forty days have passed and I still think about you every night
As I lay down in my bed
As I lay down with my thoughts

Forty days have passed and I don’t wear black everyday
But I feel that shade inside
Plain and simple
Dark and lonely
There’s nothing I can do to change it
You’re gone and that’s permanent
The finality is jarring

Forty days have passed but every night I close my eyes and see them throw dirt over you
My heart sinks and lowers down my rib cage echoing your coffin
I know that wasn’t you, you left us already by then
Yet why does my mind keep returning to that scene

Forty days have passed but Cyprus doesn’t feel quite like home anymore
Neither does London.

Forty days have passed and I keep finding my eyes stinging and breath escaping
I don’t know what to do, I don’t think any of the family know what to do now you’re gone
I suppose just carry on

Forty days have passed and my black clothes mean nothing to these people or my friends but you know and so do I

Every night I look at those constellations you pointed with one hand and the other holding your cigarette
When I see the stars shine
It’s your sign
Six months have passed and I know you’re here but I can’t bring myself to take off this black just yet

I'm so tired all the time,
wishing it was my bedtime
So uninspired and heavy
my thoughts push my head further into the pillow
gravity hooks its steel claws into my skin keeps dragging
my mind keeps lagging
my eyes sting and cry
perhaps I need a lullaby?

I'm so tired all the time,
my eyelids are in a constant fight
against the glowing light
i feel all this guilt as I sink further into my quilt

Why do my limbs feel numb and my limbs like they will collapse
perhaps I should get up?
I'm just so tired all the time,
yet why can I not sleep when I'm already in this deep


I'm so tired all the time,
perhaps this time if I close my eyes
sleep will creep upon me

Darling, I've fallen for you
It's a lovely view, looking up at you
Because alongside your features I see the stars
I feel like everything is ours
I may be on the ground lying down, but I feel like I'm wearing a crown

The world should slow down, let them frown
because they're the ones missing, the forming of constellations and of magic every time you smile
Your bright glow that can illuminate the darkest of hearts
Each star darts the unique sides to you
It is all worthwhile
Your starry outline will outshine that skyline


Darling, I have fallen for you
But I don't care because it's an extraordinary view

Dear you, I know you hate the way clothes fit
but you run around calling out confidence, you hypocrite.
Stop covering your face with hair
people just don't care.

Dear you, I know you count the numbers and your days
praying you'd be lighter
so small you might float away.

Dear you, I know in the mirror you're not gentle
hurling abuse at the person in the reflection
are you hoping through rejection she'll change?
Even when you don't say the words they linger in your throat
waiting to -

Dear you, hating yourself is easy
you're full of questions and hate
'put down the plate'
hating yourself is getting into bed in darkness and listening to raindrops

Dear me, please stop.
You're tired of fighting everyone and then yourself
You're tired of catching your reflection looking at you for some validation
i'm yearning for love and i'm tired of starvation

Dear you, you will get out of bed and open the blinds,
you will make it better
I'm sorry for all i've put you through

Dear you, step-by-step unacounted for, I will look after you.

I’m in the pool dancing and then I’m not
My mind is far and my body is static
I stand there but where?
I’m so lost but I haven’t moved

I’m at the bar talking and then I’m not
My mind is travelling and my body is marble
the words stop coming because I’m not here
But where am I?

I’m reading, devouring the chapter and then I’m Not
My eyes glitter over and my body remains

I travelled away but I don’t know where
Any empty true nothing
The world moved and progressed
The people around me walked and talked
But I stood there fixed
Thinking of nothing
Going anti clock wise in a wave of progression

I’m disassociating again. I don’t know why I don’t know where
And all I seem to do is glare
maybe into the nothingness , maybe into the past

I’m writing rhymes in my pad and then I’m not
the pen and the lines evanesce
I’d like to come back.

if I keep moving I’ll forget
it started as a stroll through my memories
the complete collection of our friendship
our moments recorded transmitted at night

If I keep moving I’ll  forget
It was then a slow jog, a steady projection forward through repeated images of us
a job through our conversations and with equal speed my replies to your salvations

If I keep moving I’ll forget
I’m running now and out of breath
Escaping these meadows is harder than I thought

My leisurely pace through your actions has confused me
The trees seem like strangers trying to touch me
The grass blades pass like a covered memory

I’m on a train seven hundred miles an hour
The sun sets behind me and yet I’m strolling through your music

I need to keep moving to forget you because you never even remembered me

could it be?

it’s been almost a year since I opened that door
the bolted, scared and chained door that boxes my heart
he carelessly lied all over it
he let it whither by refusing to whisper back to it

could it be you creaked it open in a year
i didn’t know what you’d do
could it be I feel something for you
do you do too?

these smirks and glances
could I play my chances?
your affection and care seem more
or am I so empty i pray they are
am I so deprived of feelings since being a ***** that your kindness is mistaken for more

could it be you want more than what we have?
because I sure do
When you left her, I knew it before you told me
my stomach dropped and ached
swirling like Poseidon’s pools, trapping victims in its gushes
I thought, I hoped it was for me
but you must still love her

I think about you, about us, about words left unsaid in our lingering goodbye
when you called me your best friend - you paused- you looked into my eyes and opened your lips- why didn’t you just say it
why didn’t you tell me more
instead I defend our friendship
I’ll make you a dozen playlists darling if it helps you feel lighter

could it be you feel something more for me?
because I’m afraid to say it out loud
but I may have fallen in love with you

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
when i awake up and go to sleep,
i close my eyes and just see these black sheep
when i'm lying down alone
where the hell is my backbone?

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
even after i had seen him
i find myself wondering where you have been
finding myself dreaming in-between
his childlike charms and your arms

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
that time we spent in bed all day and night
yelling **** the daylight and ***** the moonlight because we have each other and it will be alright

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
that time you left me crying because you had better things to do
that time you left when i needed you the most
and you came back after like a really ****** ghost

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
but i would also be ******* joking if i said i wanted you back
i've enjoyed this good old throwback
but don't confuse thinking with missing
you left and you stink of regret but you've become a memory, a silhouette

I would be lying if i said i wasn't thinking about you
but you'd always fall through
and i'm quite busy with someone who cares
because he hasn't caused me any nightmares
and i'm actually proud to be called theirs.

I will not forget

You called me beautiful and I think about it every night
Twisting and turning in my sheets
I fell in love with you slowly then all at once
You called me smart and stupid and you blushed
I fell in love with you so easily

I will not forget when you lay in my bed till 5 am
I wanted you
you talked the night away eating chips
Wishing I didn’t have to leave you
It felt for real
You said you were glad you met me
I wanted to say so much more

I will not forget when your eyes lingered over my lips
I should have told you
I fell in love with you long before
and now I’ve left but darling I will not forget

Everything’s going to be okay
Because I love you
Because I’m here for you

Today might not be your best day
Tomorrow might not be okay
But that’s okay
Because I still love you
Because I’m still here for you

I know that’s not very logical
But that’s okay for me
Because I really do love you

It’s 1 am and all I can think about is you
How there’s so many adventures waiting

So many people for us to meet
Places we can visit
Moments for me to love you

There is so much waiting for us together
I’ve met my match and I can’t remember life before

It’s 1 am and I’m looking at rings
But I’m really thinking about our future

The steps we’ll take
The plans we’ll make
The new is waiting for us