Don't understand why universe took you away
Bits of you seen in all surroundings in some sort of way
Anyone observing wouldn't notice something wrong
Crumbling under a surface that is strong
I attempt to hold head up high
Shrugging off wounding emotion
Repeating routine robotically
Earth's rotation slow-motion
I send deepest regrets with the wind to be lifted into the sky
Whispering words never said before
Worst of all:
"Goodbye"
Accepting absence as permanent obstruction
Leaves me teetering on edge of destruction
There are moments I wish ground would open up and swallow me whole
Touching not one drop of water yet I'm drowning in the depths of my soul
You always did best to protect me throughout the years
In return I have let you down
Victim of my greatest fears
It might not have been my responsibility to keep you safe and sound
I could have poured out some of those shots you would pound
It was my duty keeping your secrets locked up out of sight
Over and over again I told you no so you responded with a fight
Rather than be at odds I would give in to your spiteful remarks
You ultimately would win and I would fetch your bottle of Monarch
Now I'm haunted by those countless simple mistakes
Forced to bear weight of the fact I didn't have courage it takes
I want to rewind life so I could get another chance to show
That you mean much more to me than I dared to let you know
I'd rather be who's held in the reaper's embrace
Than stuck here tears running down my face

I never have been good at receiving compliments
Unwilling to overlook numerous cracks, scars, and dents
I liked myself once
Long long ago
Lot happened to slowly make self-esteem low
Now when peers tell me I'm pretty I assume it is a lie
I'm only growing older each day that passes by
Crying does not help but I can't stop the tears that fall
Most days can't stand my reflection at all
It is easier looking in the mirror when day is captured by night
Disguising dark blemishes all too clear in the light

Some days feel my strength returning
Have hope I will be happy once more
But other days harder than ever
Heartache rippling through my core
Memories my bittersweet escape
Just wish things could be how they were before...

I'm sure you would want me to be happy
That you'd want me to smile
Joy is elusive
Cannot be caught
Pretending just isn't my style

Evening sky reflects truth
The glass surface of blank faces
Soldiers marching this war called life
Shame carried to fill the empty spaces
Through lonesome days we wander
Night dark enough to render sight blind
If we let light in we would find rest
The dreams freed of fear plaguing unconscious mind
Undefined weaknesses steadily simmer
Close in proximity to my soul
Gravity of all the success I'm failing to achieve
Larger than that of a massive black hole
Every time I attempt to win I lose
Born with poor coordination and aim
I decided I won't bother embarrassing myself
It is easier not even playing the game

(HOOK):
I stand here waiting for you all the time
Hope you recognize before I fall apart
The one question staying on my mind
Is why you keep playing with my heart?
And I've been waiting for a long long time
Sometimes I wonder what made me start
The one question staying on my mind
Is why you keep playing with my heart?

(VERSE 1):
I do not really know just what I'm gonna do
Moving on but eyes close and all I see is you
I do not know why I can't let go of the love we knew
Each night I'm kept up by the image of your eyes so blue
Tell me why it is you I can't get out my brain?
Thought a lot about it and I really can't explain
The way you got thoughts on lock
Mind caught in chains
No longer sure if I'm in love or if I'm just insane
You promised me I'd never have to be alone
Why am I here standing on my own?
Counting on both hands chances I have blown
Figured you of all people would understand though

(HOOK)

(VERSE 2):
Staring at phone
Begging it to ring
To hear that sound again I would give anything
Your voice speaking my name
Even if in a scream
Rather hear you angry here than sweeter in some distant dream
That's the only scene ever get to see your face
Your cold shoulder really put me in my place
Never without your love before you said you needed space
Now I'm realizing you're someone I cannot replace
Running round in circles
Living for thrill of the chase
Believing I can catch you if I pick up my pace
Can't accept days I bravely stayed were all a waste
Need something to show besides moments I cannot erase

(HOOK)

A couple years from now where will we be?
Sometimes I am scared to wait and see
New methods elude us though we try to grow
Future seems darker than feathers of a crow
A far distance up to go for us to make it to the top
The higher you are the further you drop
Emerged from the rubble before
Must dig my way out of debris once more
I am not a warrior
Only worn-out
Too hoarse to whisper-much less shout
The end of suffering I worry not ever will come
Too many months spent looking constantly glum
I remember eternity when it was a dream
Presently the idea of forever makes me want to scream
My companion you may be
Compare I cannot
We are too contrasting
Or so I have been taught
Our pieces fit together where nobody else's will
Empty spaces designed for your parts to fill
No matter how long failing to stoke flames
Embers keep burning stubbornly just the same
When left in rain our circuits don't rust
Corners of our minds know not one speck of dust
Forgiveness holds me with heavy chain
Through blackest nights in place I remain
Every bone in body craves rest
Fueled by loyalty
Carry on hard-pressed
Remnants of tarnished moments tie heart in knots
Euphoria fossilized in nostalgic thoughts
How I yearn to restore the sparkle in your eye
Glistening with teardrops
No glimmer when dry
Serene silence had now flooded with fear
Cry for intimacy no longer living here
I sense freedom is your secret desire
Your software too complex to rewire
"I love you"
Simply a promise you were fated to break
Asleep dream of the happy ending we'll never have awake
How could chemistry feel so right yet turn out to be so wrong?
Maybe below surface you were a stranger all along...

Life is no charming fairytale
Even on easiest days
Most blessed person you know
Has demons to keep at bay
There's no such thing as perfect
Beauty eventually will all decay
The only hope we have is to hang on
Find happiness within the disarray

I am having hard time accepting truth
No clue how to survive
World without your presence Is not a world
In which I long to be alive
No one cares the way you did
Space in heart nothing can fill
Numb myself with substances
Sorrow impossible to ****
No hope for better tomorrows
Barely make it through today
Room shrinking with each breath
Choke on each word I try to say
Pass the time getting high as I can
An attempt to avoid dwelling on greif
Temporary band-aid to cover wound
Relief always too brief
Move only when necessary
Every step exhausts my feet
When walking I slowly trudge forward
As if legs are stuck in concrete
Around others maintain composure
Can even manage to smile
Inside back of my mind pain throbs
Prowling all the while
And I bottle up tears within
My eyes never stay dry for long
For my effort is ever in vain
Failing to be stable and  strong
This is more difficult than I ever imagined
Nightmare manifested in one blink
Depth of my agony cannot be captured
In range of sound or intricacies of ink
Box of memories stored in brain
Mustering courage to close
Replay past moments until my head spins
Speeding in circles train of thought goes
Is there end to the madness I feel?
Chaos warps perception into knots
Drive myself crazy examining events
Can't quite connect the dots

The pictures of joyful faces
Pictures of a distant past
When you are gone help fill the spaces
Only so long comfort lasts

Not one single day passes without wishing you were here
Stare at your photograph trying to fight back each tear
Hard accepting arms can't ever again hold you near
At least memories I cherish most will never disappear

Meet me at doorway to the afterlife
Death divides us like a knife
Where grass is greener the moment you walk through
Dream so good
The skies are blue too

Where people pass through the portal
Not looking back
Crossroads
A never-ending railroad track
It is all things this world needs but doesn't own
Meet me there when it's my time to go

I will spend as much time necessary
Whole life if that is how long it takes
Missing out on things while you miss me
You are worth longing
Persistence
Heartaches

My formless fear grows in size each day
It lives inside
Keeping cursed
Moment is coming for you to be taken away
If it was me I have faith you'd stay through the worst

I was glass
You were wood

Picture frame perfect

I found in you the vibrance I was missing to display a beautiful picture

I looked empty before you
Transparent

As we grew older I learned to depend on you more and more

I stood in your stable embrace

Without your arms lack the strength to keep my thin figure upright

We were useless by ourselves

Together captured a moment to remember forever

It seems so pointless without a photo to reserve each priceless memory

This sorrow weighs my weary soul down
I drag it along like a curse
When I am not sad I am filled with anger
I don't know which is worse

Someone deeply in love with once said
I quote
"You like being sad"

Give that thought
Doesn't make sense
Oxymoron at best

Eventually he will realize sometimes sadness sits inside of you and it burns like a flame no amount of laughter or love can extinguish

Some rowing with the current
I'm rowing against it

All in same river

A blanket of snow covers ground
Heart is coated in frost
Pieces of memory are scattered all around
Little reminders of what I have lost

Fold me like paper cranes
I'm teetering on the edge
Inside chest is origami heart
Youï're tearing it to shreds
Emotions weighing down sleeve
"I love you" explicitly displayed
Typed in boldfacefont nonetheless
Permanent ink refusing to fade
My intentions retain their golden hue
Still in place and intact
Not tarnished by savagery of life
Despite good nature being attacked
You hold my hope within hands
Whether realizing or not
Acknowledge presence when convenient
I am simply an afterthought
No happy ending waits in future
It took me way too long to admit
Finally given up on all efforts
To force into a mold we'll never fit
I believed we'd grow old together before
Us to start a family was my dream
Beneath the romantic surface
Story wasn't as meant to be as it seemed
Potential traded for rush of getting high
For the thrill of fortune and speed
If only had known promises of grandeur
Lies and not a chance to succeed
I told myself problems soon would better
Waited patiently for more than awhile
I reached the point eventually
Where could I no longer continue in denial
I lost control of feelings long suppressed
Succumbed to chaos of my mind
Watching our relationship disentegrate helplessly
Crumbling pieces of what once was so perfectly aligned
Despair took ahold of body
No choice but to accept what we became
After eternity in your absence
Still haunted by your name
Skin cold to touch from loneliness
Destined forever to stay incomplete
I am close enough to bathe in your shadow
Yet still too far to ever bask in your heat

Tell me the things you feel
Tell me as we lay torn in
bed
Tell me your wounds to heal
Tell words left unsaid

Tell me why keeping me here
Tell me otherwise I will doubt
Tell me the things you fear
Tell me when time's run out

Tell me why say nice things to me
Tell me what is your hidden motive
Tell me your love is free
Tell me the reason you selflessly give

Tell me you hear my cries
Tell me why hand you hold
Tell me what's seen in my eyes
Tell me you will not leave when I'm old


Tell me when you'll change your mind
Tell me by showing every day
Come
Tell me if you plan on leaving me behind
Tell me how really feeling today

It's a slow road to no place I find myself on
With heavy walking feet
Time sacrificed in the break of indecision
To save myself from inhumane heat

Yet crystallized life I desperately covet
Has drained of all it's shine
Look into the mirror for answers
Every morning there are none to find

A cave of whispers shelters as I rest
The crickets keep me company
Stacked promises like stones in my breath
To dust crushed and tossed into the sea

I didn't enjoy the pain I caused
It wasn't fun to watch Mom cry
Was the perfect angel before the fall
Spiraled downwards without asking why

Stole heart with that type of life
Seemed like a movie scene
Said the word yes before I discovered
What that choice would actually mean

I thought it would taste sweet on tongue
Never guessed it would be sour
Was utterly in control before
Disappeared in the drug's power

Had me bending at slightest breeze
Ground inches from face
Too much for my weak body
Playing at such a fast pace

Always getting forced to aching knees
I am looked at like a zoo
Wrong turns reflected in eyes
Why I stopped sobriety I have no clue

Alone I travel this crooked path
Can't believe I'm here
Everything finished waiting
I waste year after year

Yet with the hype and madness about the Coronavirus
I open window and take a deep breath breath of icy Alaskan air

The glass wearing a frosty negligee
Leaving transparent area just large enough to get a small peek at the natural show of pale snowy scenery on the other side

Eerily quiet
There is a foreboding sensation about the vacant stadium
Lone songbird whistling simple serenades to a pre-apocalyptic invisible audience

I've accepted cold reality
You truly are forever gone
Without your presence I feel empty
Hard to find the strength to go on

It was the last thing I longed to do

He was THE ONE after all

Playful smile
Mischievous eyes
Coming with the tide to wash up on my shore to stay forever

Wanted fairytale to remain intact

And just like that it imploded and all its perfection scattered a dozen different directions with one catastrophic explosion

He was impossible to capture
I should have realized that from the start

I tried pinning him down but maybe when I did that he couldn't breathe
I crushed his lungs AND his spirit...