i burnt the roast on christmas day.

my loves sat in silent pain
waiting for my neck to crane.
summers night and winters rain
couldn't cook this ******* roast again

i cant believe i burned the ******* roast.

each of them had different reasons
to feel so **** upset this season
it never felt right to believe in
love that can feel so uneven

ive cooked this ******* roast before i dont know how i ****** it up so bad

these seconds will never pass
table breaks the hourglass
my wife she's a lovely lass
why didnt she cook the ******* roast instead

**** **** **** **** **** ****

a look of sadness on my face
anxious forks hit sides of plates
i look to my loves and say
im not sure there'll be roast today

how could you burn the ******* roast on christmas?

the wine was almost nearly empty
most of it from my aunt wendy
whose husband left when she was twenty
but she brought some new man lenny

who also drank most of the wine
and was also upset that i burned the ******* roast

i didnt drive all the way out here
just to drink a couple beer
i know it may not be premiere
but bring that ******* roast out dear

okay mom.

i went back to the kitchen to get the burnt ******* roast

i found my wife her head ashake
frowning down to my dismay
you burnt the roast on christmas day
we'll find the love in your mistake

she kissed me
i tasted the roast and it wasnt that bad

i mean, it was pretty bad
but it was still there.

all those chairs, a different person
neither in their finest version
let my love be a diversion
**** you from your introversion

i burnt the roast on christmas day
lets find the love in our mistakes

A car occupied by ghosts
Barreling down a busy highway.
I wipe the snow from my cuff.

I don't know what home is
But I am looking.

When I was eight years old I told my mom I’d play in the NBA.
And she believed me.
A year later, I was nearly dead.
A quick cough in January caged my lungs with such force
I could almost hear them fighting for breathing room.

I don’t remember much.

All that comes to mind is the panic
Like an animal that lives inside your skin,
That only awakens when he is least needed.

I came to with my mind split in half.
In reality I was on a stretcher, in a hospital.
In my mind, I was chained to a sheet of wood.
Floating in a pool.
Spread out like the vitruvian man.
I watched the water run through my fingers.
On second glance, I was not alone at the pool.
Men in all black stood around the edges
Staring like henchman do at helpless prey.
On third glance, I am in a stadium filled with cheering fans.
I could never really tell who they were cheering for.

One of the men shouts out, and I am drowning.
A godlike force pushes through the chain and I am engulfed.
No breath.
No sound.
Just blue and black
And the muffles of panic.
Only interrupted by a brief resurface
And the roar of an audience
Followed by blue and black.  

My mind began to converge,
And two worlds became one again.
As the water around me turned to tile,
My hands still felt wet from the pool.
The nurse asked me why I kept screaming to get out of the water.

I never learned how to swim.
I never played in the NBA.

i want to write about leaving home
how it feels to not know where the grocery store is
how it feels to try and convince the people around you
that you're not crazy
before they find out for themselves that you probably are.

everytime i try to write about leaving home
all i do is think of home.

a place that tried to **** me.
a place i could have been a better grandson.
a place that feels warm in my mind
but cold on my skin.

can i really blame the riverbed
and that old rope swing
for taking away the only thing
i ever really loved.
maybe we could have found
some other way to get there.
we were too young to know better.

no mountain too high they said
i rip the wood from the trees,
to build the road to Juneau
and bathe in the endorphin river

dry my ankles
and let them breathe the cold air
so the people know
im just a nobody

break my hands
to feel my legs again

break me down
so i can love again

i need virginia.
and so do you.

virginia is the flickering lights
of an emergency room vacation.

virginia is the bruise on your cheek
from a cafe seizure.

virginia is the moment you realized
you changed your favorite color, without ever asking yourself first.

virginia is understanding that nothing we do will ever change what will be.

virginia is your pink wet tongue frozen
to the telephone poll.

virginia is the moment at the funeral
when you realize you've never seen a dead body before.

virginia is all those times you stole lighters from the corner store
and all the times you never got caught.

virginia is the woman you sleep with, after you crash your car on the freeway.

virginia is who you call on the phone, when you think it's all over.

virginia is a story worth telling.
let it breathe.
let it breathe.
let it breathe

my head
is too big
to fit the helmet
thats supposed to protect me.  

i found out today that i am not immortal.

i still dont know
how to deal with
learning something
you thought you already knew.

i found out today that i am not immortal.

if i could
wear a mask
every day
i know that i would.

i found out today that i am not immortal.

if i could
do it my way
every time
i know that i would.

because i am always right
until someone points out
that im not.

my head is a beach where hope comes to flourish,
where the water is warm.
until someone reminds me
that they hate the beach
and i cant help but agree.

my writing class is above the pharmacy.
an old elevator
still rising
when the doors open.

nothing poetic happened to me today
so why am i here

two men
outside a starbucks
chainsmoking through
a saturday lunch

the sun is up
melting the snow at my feet
i wait for a bus that never comes

I'm tripping the breaker.
Soaking in the burn of the wires,
Tracing the line back to an old fuse box
With a broken switch
And a battered shell.
Grey with ambiguity and boredom
Seeping productivity like an oil spill,
Diluting the green.

Twenty one centuries.
And some pocket change
Just so we can all act
Like the pressure was worth the diamond.

the stitches in my thigh are
healing so now we can all shake hands
and watch the money
poor in. the bombs are not coming,
please come out from
under your desks, you are safe
now and if im being honest
the desks wouldn’t protect you
from the shrieks of a
war plane. they sound
like nothing you’ve
ever heard
a frequency you unlocked
just for this
particular pain. you can almost see
the sound pour into your ear drums
like a bartender mixing
the ***** and the cranberry.
it sounds like 6am
it sounds like the same song
over and over.

i can smell
the liquor
through the phone
while
you
rip
up
all the stitches
you scrambled
to
sew
together.

i don't know why
i keep
wasting
my time.
on these
careless
pursuits.

i cant
tell who
is supposed
to win.

A dictionary in a bag of bricks.
I watch it sink down the swamp.
Words only mean what we do with them after,
So I never feast until I know there's dessert coming.

I am the stone before the statue.
A block of possibility.
Waiting for guidance like a wiseman,
From anyone that can convince me we're not all mad for trying.

I am the stone before the statue.
Waiting to be carved.
Waiting to be told who I am.

**** Art

What has it ever done for me?
Other than put whip-cream and cherries
On the parts of me that aren't working.

How long can I celebrate my flaws before I become them?
Before they swallow me hole.

Lighting candles in a paper house.
Acting surprised when it burns
So fast.

I am a knight.

Not the dark from an evening sky.
Not a warrior wrapped in steel.
More like the chess piece.

My movements? Impractical.
My purpose? Undetermined.
And I'll probably die early.

How comforting.

My accomplice.
My comrade.
My kryptonite.

Make sure to bury me with my horse.
And contort our lifeless bodies into an L
So we can finally embrace what held us back.

ive never been
to this part of town
before.

second thought
ive never even been
to this town
before.

then why
does it feel
so ******* familiar

why do i remember
getting drunk in
that bar
chipping my teeth on
that curb.

i think the parts of me
that don't like me
stay here.
calling out for skin.
im freezing out here.

i havent been
warm in so
long

I never once kept the door closed,
Despite everything that would make you think otherwise.
My arms tremble at the thought
Of pulling all this weight again.
But I was ready.
The things you do for love
Or what you thought love was.

Nothing says emotional stability like dollar store sleeping pills.
Inertia for a brain
I let it all pile up
Until I'm buried in snow like a cokehead fever dream.

I fell asleep on the high road
Waiting for you to run me over.

I woke in a jolt when I realised
I left my high school yearbook out in the rain.
Cradling memories like newborn children.
Trying to blow life
Into broken lungs.

I burn up easy
It's in my DNA.
I'm like Icarus's sun.

Or maybe
I'm more like Icarus's son
Hell bent on seeing hell
In front of me.
I don't believe anything unless
It's in front of me.
And I can taste it like food
And drink it like water.

I'm not Icarus
More like Sideshow Bob
Just helping the disaster move along.
Pushing the people I love into the fire.
Letting Daedalus turn his only son into a parable.

There are certain parts of misery
That never made sense to me.
I never caught on to the self harm thing,
I figured I already felt bad enough.
I never drank it away,
Because a hangover was just a reminder
That putting a coat on
Doesn't stop the snow.
DABDA doesn't make sense either.
How can you be angry
About something you haven't accepted yet?

I do now understand masochism.
I certainly don't practice it,
But I get it.

The thing with masochism
Is that you really have to love it.
You really have to let go.
My nerves are just nerves.
My skin is just skin.
My eyes just make drawings out of ****.
******* purple from the fourth wall
Letting the people eat a different truth.

My brain on a steady loop
Of Whose Line Is It Anyway reruns
Just waiting to invent the next thing
We all take for scripture.

eating the ****** weapon and
wearing the fur.
i have nothing to say so i ramble,
and think about what i should buy you for christmas
and how ill give it to you without
tripping the wires
you keep around me

i thought i saw a miracle
tonight.
i watched the moon disappear.
watched the bulbs fade out.

it flickered for a moment
and then its crescent faded into the black
behind it.
like it didn't deserve the spotlight
the attention.
i thought i watched the sun die
i thought i watched the moon die.

i looked around me frantically
i couldn't believe i watched the moon die.
no one else cared
no one said anything.

i watched the moon be reborn again

and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared
and no one cared

I found my old journal.
I didn't write in it a lot,
Only when I could think to do it.
Only when it felt necessary.
So I wrote about a lot of the same things.
Heartbreak mostly.
A 9th grader so terribly in love
Again.

Everything is remarkably depressing
At that age.
Or so my journal would have you believe.

Here are some excerpts I found noteworthy

November 19th, 2014.

"I just hope she finally decides my head is no safe resting place for any kind of love."

December 16th, 2014.

"I feel like death, and all I want is for her to hold my dead body until I feel like breathing again."



Heavy,
I know.


Believe me,
I know.



I'd be dishonest if I didn't mention
That there are a lot more of those.
And I'd be dishonest if I didn't mention
That I'm best friends with that girl now.
I laughed when I read these.
The pain read so real
Yet I don't remember what it feels like
To miss her like that.

Then I found another passage
From a year ago.
A riper wound.

September 23rd, 2016. (The day I found out she didn't love me, and might be dating my older, douchier cousin)

"I cried for the first time in awhile, but it doesn't feel as good as I remember."

And then I realize
I've been watching the same Ferris wheel
Go around
My whole life,
Just with different people
Playing the same role.
And it all feels the same.

If love was for sale
I'd empty my pockets.

I still pick the scab.
I'm still the same kid.

i learnt a lot about
myself today.

i learnt a lot about
fear today.

fear of
missing out
mostly.

ive heard the term before
but never thought
it was something ive felt.

i went to my high school graduation
ceremony today.
only a year ago it was me.

that day wasnt for me anymore
and i stuck around
like a fly on the wall
asking if they remembered
when i was there too.

if people can be toxic
im glowing bright green.

I do not have a happy song.

I just bathe in whatever it is
I decide to feel that day.

I sit at my window seat
and watch the train ride backwards
while the trees and hillsides shoot in front of me
as though each leaf and branch were being spawned
and that if I were to look behind me
there would be nothing to see.

A simulation
ran by an absentee landlord
who forgot he left the game running
who forgot he left the oven on.

Someone asks me how I'm doing
and I just say very sad because sometimes
I forget that I pretend to be a poet on the internet
and that I know better words to describe it other than very sad
but why bother when you come to the same conclusion.

I do not have a happy song.

I just bathe in whatever it is
I decide to feel that day.

Small town life is simple.
The downtown has no neon.
The streets are long and open.
Begging for the smell of thrashed rubber
And cigarette smoke.

Your mechanic knows your blood type
Your doctor knows your license plate.
Secrecy sounds more like something from a Bond film
Than a genuine principle.

A playground lies across from a cemetery
As though to say no one ever really dies,
Or that it was fun while it lasted.