shoulder length brown hair in a Justin Bieber swoop over my left eye. ***** glasses and the same grey hoodie everyday. i am king of the middle school nobodies, i built a throne out of mediocre essays and failed math assignments.
in 7th grade i was mortified that someone might see me sweat through my shirts so i kept my hoodie on.
it was an extra large mens grey hoodie. it almost went down to my knees. but i remember one day in 6th grade i wore a t-shirt. one of the hockey boys remarked how big my arms were and wrapped his tiny hand around my bicep and squeezed. my extra skin ran through his fingers like sand.
in 8th grade i leave my gym clothes at home on accident. so i grace the dodgeball court in a graphic tee. a picture of pluto, and wrapped around it "dont worry pluto, im not a planet either" and before i could make it back to the only changing room in the school i hear a boy yell "are you sure you're not a planet?"
in 9th grade i walk to football tryouts. cleats on the pavement. one boy asks the group what part of the game we'll be best at. the fast boys start to race and the strong boys start to shove.
"i have good hands" i say "but im fat too" and everyone laughs but it doesnt feel like sweat or a planet or a big grey hoodie it feels like a joke were all in on. like they hired the clown this time instead of finding one off the street. at least this time i get a pat on the back for my trouble.
it was on the street that day that i decided to wear fat jokes like a face tattoo or a wrestling mask my new persona has entered the ring and he cant lose because no one is fighting.
i am big but i am hollow. self inflicted wounds are like coastal erosion.
i think i will be quick to marry. the words feel so easy they must sit on the bridge of my lips. waiting to be let go, waiting to to be shot like a gun, or a cannon, anything that could ****.
sometimes though i feel like a moth in the dark, hopeless and even blinder than usual. theres no switch on the wall either. this house needs new wires and new thighs and new fingers and a smaller face and maybe a tight stomach and maybe then i could just be the light instead of looking for mine in other people.