They say,
Time heals all wounds,
but even my deepest paper cuts
would not begin to bleed
and so the pain would wear on
and the scab would never form
and I was never able to expel the venom
buried deep inside.

You cannot always feel the bruises,
but sometimes I push on them to feel the pain.

You cannot always see the bruises,
but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I dug the knife into my skin,
then asked you to pull it out
and you did not do it the way I hoped.

You did not make a clean cut,
but twisted it, ever so slightly,
and the **** was bigger than before.

I do not blame you for my injury,
and with all that time you spent in hospitals,
I guess I thought you would be better at healing.

I cannot speak to the future,
and I wish not to think of my dreams.
I had plans for the two of us
that your arms could not wrap around
and God, I wish they were holding me.

Perhaps the tears need to fall
to replace the blood I never lost,
and perhaps the pain that hurts the most
are the hopes I keep inside.

They don't tell you
there will be days
when you won't feel enough
to muster up
even a few short thoughts
to turn into poetry

Every night
And every morning
I stare at my body
Trying to figure out
Who could possibly love someone
With so much extra

So much extra
That has nowhere to go
But out

I roll over
And see the extra gather
Who could love that?
Not I, not anyone

Less is more
I'm not asking to be the most
I'll eat less to be less
Not realizing that I'm blessed
With a body that works
And does what I ask of it

It just isn't pretty enough for me

and you called me that name
just a few hours before
and wished me
Merry Christmas
but I'm not sure if she knew

you show her off
like you never did me
but it's the wine
making my blood hot
and my stomach turn

if you appeared tomorrow
I'd kiss you
and hate myself
for asking you
to stay

It's been about a year since I felt like this
My stomach trying to expel all the hurt
my brain is creating on its own

I should trust the words you tell me
on a standard Sunday
outside where you used to live

In that same spot I cried
over a girl whose face I never saw
but whose name still makes me cringe

You say her name now for the first time out loud
to prove to me you are not repeating history
yet I am not so sure

I do my best to laugh at the ulcer
I am forming
in the face of a little heartbreak

Instead I replay every moment
from the weekend before
that might make you flee

A vicious cycle of self-hatred
I cannot escape
no matter how tightly you hold me

I have always been
a good test taker
who can follow rules
that only apply
in timed intervals
that occur in rooms
with too-bright lights
and recycled air
that isn't circulating
around the heads of students
that, under normal conditions,
would radiate heat,
but now only emit stress

I have always been
good at rolling my eyes
(in all situations)
but particularly to those
who work themselves up
over means of evaluation
that, while they are determinant
of subsequent events,
do not measure your worth,
value,
or abilities in all areas

I have always been
poor at reminding myself
of these skills
when the tests I take
don't place me
in the same category
in which
I have always been

As we sat on your couch
Early in the morning
Sun shining through the windows
Cold air creeping in
My head started to spin

You set your alarm
Hockey was waiting
Your favorite thing

I kept you next to me
For just a little bit longer
But you eventually walked downstairs
And left me to sleep

As tired as I was
I could not sleep
Your voice echoing through the silent house
My mind and heart racing
Wanting to be with you

I gave in to your call
Tucked myself behind your legs
Watched you watch your lifelong dream

I didn't expect anything
Except to be ignored
Or meerly unnoticed
For I was just a girl in your house
Not a hero on ice

You wrapped your fingers around mine
I felt your stare
Your lips pressed to my head
How did I deserve
To steal your attention?

Counting down the seconds on the screen
Time before I need to go
1:06, 1:05, 1:04
Is this what life with you is like?
What it would be if it were just us two?
0:31, 0:30, 0:29
I could stay here all day
Like you asked me to do
0:02, 0:01, 0:00
For the next few minutes
All you want is me

I tell you I need to leave
Right now? you ask
Right now. I say
You tell me I should stay

The stairs creak under my feet
The zipper on my boots resist
My fingers and the buttons fight

You stand for me
As I walk down the stairs
Morning-after royalty in the castle of her prince
Will you bow as I remove my crown?

You have never kissed me
As hard as you did
In that moment before I left

It felt as though
You were trying to shoot your soul
Through my lips instead of
Forcing your body around my tongue
So that I could only say your name

Goodbye, my seven hour valentine
The only one I've ever had
You asked at two in the morning
On February 15th
But I like to think it still counts

I never used to dream
when sleeping next to you
but the gasp escaping my lips
and your hand on my arm
shakes me out of a fantasy
where we are perfectly aligned

The sweat on my chest
becomes evident
as rhythmic sounds echo from your tongue
that I cannot understand
until they rattle behind my teeth
making a sleepy song of desire

We could not have been closer
unless we molded together
into a mess of aggressively ignored love
and animalistic monotony
that I'll ice with fear,
aftertaste like regret

If only
I could take a holiday
from the life I am living
just to see what lies
on the other side
of the fence

I am almost positive
the grass would be greener
but I must see
to believe
and my brain and heart
have outgrown the confidence
I once wore

If only I could dress my mind
the way I dress my body-
then I would be surely proud
of the road
my feet have chosen to walk

I've been avoiding writing
like your eyes on Saturday night,
because how do I tell you
that I'll miss you when you're gone
and admit to myself
that it might not be a big deal?

I am not scared
that my heart will stop beating
but that yours will seek
the warmth of someone else.

I cannot say this is what I want
even though I am certain
this is what you need.

This is not heartbreak.

No,
this is something different
and I'm not quite sure what it's called.

we are each an empty ice tray
sitting in the freezer
side by side
an image of disappointment and laziness
addressed with an eye roll and a slight growl

when we are full
we are frozen solid, dry
not something one would be interested in holding

we are playing a game
to see who can stay solid,
the first to melt if necessary

for now, we are pieces of white plastic
serving absolutely no purpose

I have always liked the cold air
because it matched the feel of my skin
and the taste in my mouth

Today I found myself searching for warmth
and I ached for the heat
that used to shoot through your fingertips
onto my spine
in the middle of the night
when you were worried my heart
might actually
turn to ice

sometimes I wonder
why people wait for others
why we put our lives
on hold for someone else
when our body is the one
we drag to bed each night
and wake up in every morning

and then I remember
how it feels to look at you
and how my heart pounds
when you kiss my head as we sleep
and I wonder
why we must live
as just one body
when we could live as two

my friends never liked you,
said you were the reason
I was desperately trying to shrink

I could so easily blame them
for the way I grew,
every bite a stab to the throat

those days were spent
muffling your words
before being silenced by my friends

these days I scream for them
and hear only the echos
of my shameless desperation

your voice is the only one
that calls back
in a confidence I don't recognize

they won't know
when we hide away
for a few days next week

the contoured faces will scrunch
after my wine-soaked lips
sink my not-relationship

I'll honestly apologize
for trying to call them
before running his way

"You're lucky you're pretty,"
you say to me with a smile
as I drink more from your glass
hoping to take more
from your heart

My favorite piece of evidence
to use against the case of my friends
was that you have never
complimented my appearance
and suddenly
I need to rethink
my closing statement

Boys that tell me I'm pretty
have been far and few
but liars all the same

I believe you when you tell me this
and it does not ring in my ears
when you kiss me in your bed
because you have already
made me feel
like so much more

Being with you was like ice cream.

I craved it.
The taste, the smell, the summer sun that came with it.
Ice cream was more than a food,
it was an experience.

It came in different flavors
to fit your mood,
the time of day,
your anticipating taste buds.
Sometimes, it wasn't exactly what you wanted
but it was always good
and more often than not
it was better than expected.

And as I eat ice cream,
I am happy.
It's like I am a little kid,
everything is perfect,
nothing could go wrong.

And then it is over,
the ice cream is gone,
and a little hole forms in my heart,
but the ice cream melts and fills it up.

Soon after, I feel sick to my stomach.
How could something so good make me feel so bad?

I am lactose-intolerant.
Now, I crave something I cannot have.

I still do not have words for you
and my silence in the restaurant
was not due to speechlessness
or too many thoughts
trying to force their way out

I have just run out of ways
to rephrase the sentences
I say to you
every time
we do this

It doesn't hurt any less
and I still haven't lost
my will to fight for you
but I have learned
when to save my breath with you
because I know there will be
another time
when you will take it away

Not all bridges are made of wood,
you tell me,
when I ask you why you have not yet
set fire to the pathway
that connects us

Some of the ugliest structures
are the ones that last the longest-
the ones where you can see the insides
and there is no masking
the wear and tear
of years of rain and wind and snow

Eventually,
those structures become landmarks,
pieces of importance

I realize that our structure
is by far, the ugliest,
and I hate it every time I see it

but I will not remove it

It can be said
that whatever you put in
is what will come out

So why is it
that I am not getting back
everything
I am putting in?

I was taught early on
that energy cannot
be created or destroyed

If I am giving you everything,
then you are not destroying it,
just redirecting the love
towards something
you care about more

I suppose I need
to account
for the negativity
I intake from you,
which would make my output
less than perfect

We are a water cycle-
you pour drinks down my throat
and I cry them back into your hands

Let's pretend
our equation is balanced
until I remember
what it means
to be my own pure element

I feel like the light is always on in our closet
Like someone recently decided who they wanted to be today
Or they are keeping it ready
In case they change their mind

A few months ago
I was counting the days
until you left
because your lack of presence
would have been a better present
than the one you didn't give me
for my birthday this year

Every night I would wait
for the day to come
when you wouldn't be near
as if your body was in my bed
pressing down on my chest
until I could no longer breathe

Hating your best friend
will not hurt them
but it will twist your own heart
in ways you never thought possible
and you will pray on stars with fingers crossed
that it might break
or better
stop beating

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
and the tears in our blanket
and the tears in our eyes
have been thoughtlessly mended
with intertwined fingers
in basement bathrooms of bars
we couldn't find again
with a map to guide us

Tomorrow you'll leave me
and move on to adventures
more exciting
than drunk searches
for familiar faces
on streets we could draw perfectly
with blurred vision

I hate to say I'll miss you
and I hate more to see you go
but your darkness was always
darker than mine
and your light was always
too bright for me to look at
so I hope the contrast
of the rainy days and the sunshine
fills you up
in a way nothing else ever has

You were born to fly away
but never given the chance
so I hope you find
that the airplane wings
fit you just right

I hope you accidentally leave
the little broken pieces of yourself
on the cobblestone in London
and in the fountains of Rome
and do not realize it
until you return home

I wish you the best
and the same for myself
because two flowers
cannot grow
in one ***
but if grown separately
they can one day
make a beautiful bouquet

Eating is hard.
Not eating is hard.
It’s hard to be hungry,
and it’s even harder to be full.
It’s hard to say yes to food,
and to say no.
It’s hard to eat foods you know you shouldn't,
and not eat foods you know you should.
It’s hard to stare down a full plate and think,
“How am I supposed to do this?”
and it’s hard to stare down an empty one thinking,
“What have I done?”
Food is hard to deal with,
once you make it a situation
rather than a necessity.
Breakfast is hard,
lunch is harder,
and dinner is the hardest.
But maybe looking in the mirror is the hardest of all.

Drunk,
you called for me to catch up

Drunk,
you bowed and kissed my hand
and asked me to curtesy

Drunk,
you offered up your arm to me
and laughed when you somehow managed
to mess that up

Drunk,
you kissed me on the corner
with the lights of the cars around us

Drunk,
you held my hand as we walked
and did not flinch as others passed us

Drunk,
you wrapped your arm around my waist
in front of your friends
and held me tighter
than you ever have

In the morning,
I find out that you were sober
and my heart skips a beat

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless

because
every day
you:

count
the number of likes
you got on your selfie
to figure out the value
of your beauty,

write
perfectly formed tweets
to exude creativity and wit
you wish you
actually possessed,

read
status updates
from former friends
who always seem
to be doing something
exciting,

become curious
about the lives
of people
you've never met,
and

question
why you waste
your time
comparing yourself
to carefully crafted personalities
that exist only
for Internet audiences
they would otherwise
be too afraid
to address.

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless.

I found my light
in not doing what's expected of me,
but in doing what's best
for a 7 year old
who lost his baby sister
and his train of thought
when counting to 20
because iPads download games in seconds
but it feels like years he's watching an ad
depicting guns and blood and dying and
every time he points a finger at a friend
the law tells me
I have to call his mom
who has no response to
"I just didn't feel like doing math today,"
but musters up every ounce of energy
she doesn't have
to expel one weak statement-
"We must do what is expected of us."

They tell me that restraint
is 3 seconds or more
of student resistance
and teacher persistence
but while my hand never touches him
my words wrap around his legs
telling them to stop pacing
and they cover his mouth
telling it to stop singing
and when he cries in the hallway
at 9:52, screaming,
"I hate this school,"
I cannot explain to him
how lucky he is
to be surrounded by adults
who fake a high tolerance
for his constant fidgeting
so instead we sit in silence
until his anger runs out
and my heart rate slows
and we are ready to try again.
Later, he hugs me.
I do not pull away.
This is not restraint.

He asked me to please not break your heart
and now he's tortured it
leaving you bruised and broken

I can fix it for a short time
with the warmth of my skin
and hearty advice that I cannot see
once it leaves my lips
and divides into four ears
that could benefit from listening

He asked me to please not break your heart
so I will not ask you to stay
when my own beating ***** is ready to explode

All day
all YEAR
I have been listening to the voices
traveling through my ears
playing over and over again in my head

They tell me,
You need to work hard
You need to work harder
You cannot fail
Just do your best

What the sources of these voices do not realize
I am working as hard as I can
My best does not matter
My best is the same as failing

I try my hardest
Yet you would never know
Funny, how most people think I'm slacking
When I really have nothing left to give

My best is everyone else's worst
Which is why I have stopped trying
Why I have been destroying myself
and become addicted to death

I am not good enough
I was once
Those days are long gone now
Gold stars masked by average, maybe less

There is nothing left of me to give
that is worthwhile
Nothing left to show
that might mean something
to someone

The first boy I ever slept with
All we did was sleep
Even though in the middle of the night
Which I suppose was early in the morning
I woke up
Wanting you as close as possible
And I woke you up
Trying to get closer
And you kissed my lips
And you kissed my neck
And your hands touched my bare hip bones
That I pushed out ever so carefully
So you would think that I was skinnier
And you climbed on top of me
And I wanted you there
But my mind kept screaming
No, stop, this isn't a good idea
So I broke the silence
By just saying
Stop.
And I continued to kiss you as tried to understand
What I wanted to stop
It didn't matter
That I said no to an idea that was never written down
Because you rolled over
And wrapped your arms around me
But I carefully moved your hands
To where I wanted them to be
Because I was afraid
Of being just a body to you
And not a pretty one at that

It feels weird talking to you
Like we're both too afraid
To laugh or make a joke
Or to say something that might prompt
I miss you, remember when we used to be friends?

That time is still too close
The cut I sliced into you
Has not yet become a scar

I'm still sorry I made you bleed
But you beat me and bruised me
Until I forgot how my skin looked before

Things aren't how they used to be
We didn't pick up where we left off
Because when I left you it was 2 am
And we were both in tears
Wondering if we would ever be the same

Now I'm trying not to bring up the fact
That I know everything about you
Because it might hurt to think about what used to be
And what if things have changed?
What if the person I knew so much about doesn't exist anymore?

Maybe you're happier now
I know I am
Maybe you're still trying to find a reason
I don't have an answer
For why I did what I did
I just knew I had to stop drinking the water
To get rid of the poison

This was probably a bad idea
Getting your hopes up
And mine

Sometimes I just want to cry
And tell you to love me
I want you to know me
I want you to fix me
I want you to break me

I want to be the most important thing in your life
The way I was before
And I want to break your heart
Over and over and over again
Please just talk to me
And think about me before you fall asleep
And pray that I love you back
Even though you know I never will

I want to annoy you
Until 3 in the morning
When we both should be asleep
I want to call you
When I'm drunk and alone
Because no one else will put up with it

The hardest thing I have to learn
Is if I really want you
Or a replacement
I guess I have options
I just need to take my pick

Please don't leave just yet
But stay oh so far away
Off in the distance
Where I can see your body
But don't have to read your face
Follow me wherever I go
Try to make no sound
And I'll look back but keep on walking
Until days like today
Where I just need to know
That you still care

I am the sun
that your petals turn towards
when it is warm enough
for you to blossom

I am the rain
that you soak up and crave
in times of positivity droughts
and purposeful dehydration

I am afraid
to deny you what you need
in fear that I will be the cause
of your untimely death

I am reminded
that one must be without water
to appreciate the rain
and experience days of darkness
to fall in love with the sun

For this reason,
I do not move under the moonlight
when you require daybreak
even though my body
so desperately wants to burn

Sometimes Life gets hard
Too difficult to handle
At which time
We must remember to be thankful

This morning, I am thankful
I am thankful for my alarm clock
Reminding me that time
Never slows down

I am thankful for my bed
Reminding me that there is always
Something to look forward to

I am thankful for my empty phone screen
Reminding me that it's okay
To not be needed for a night

I am thankful for the breakouts on my face
Reminding me that sometimes things get worse
And I am thankful for the tan lines on my back
Reminding me that things will also get better

I am thankful for the day ahead
Filled with struggle
And a high chance of failure
Reminding me that these days
Are the ones that build us up
Even though it feels as though
They are tearing us down

I woke up
thinking about that time
we stifled our movements
to keep from being heard
by your friend in the next room

The sun on your back,
I tried to wrap my fingers
around rays of light
and run them down your rib cage

Our lips hit like bolts of lightning
followed by thundering smiles
and streams of hot air

Your hands held me
as I wiped the hair
from your forehead
and laughed into your ear

As you try to peel your body
away from mine
I summon you back
with the taste of my tongue
until you have ingrained it
into your memory
and can remove yourself
without unanswered questions

I wish my heart
was more willing to lead
because my brain has a voice
that projects like my own
and I am trying my hardest
to drown it out
with love songs

Darling, it is not
Our time and it
Never will be. we are
Two people who will forever be in

Love but will never sacrifice
Enough to be
Together

Maybe it is better this way
Even if it hurts us so

Go on, darling. i will be
Okay. i promise.

With the soft knocking
of your palm against my fingers,
the door into my heart,
I think not-so-carefully
about letting you in

And as I move to the threshold
I find the door already slightly ajar
so I reach out to touch you
and feel your heartbeat move through my veins

You don't touch back
but do not move from beneath my hands
and I know you are telling me
to take it slow
because my favorite thing to do
is run when I'm told to walk
and I always feel
as though I'm running out of time

I take a breath or two
and do not look at you for too long
in case you disappear
while I am too busy blinking

Even after you move,
your muscles still turn
the steering wheeling
to your old house
and you tell your brain
that the movements are wrong
but still you do it,
in case you drive back
to what used to be
and find
that it is still yours

I wish I could calculate
The number of times you wanted to kiss me
Subtract the number of times you actually did
Add the number of nights I spent awake and thinking of you
Multiply it by the number of nights you spent thinking of me
Divide it all by the number of encounters we've had with other men/women since you walked into my life
That would give me our compatibility, the amount I should care about where this (non-existant) relationship goes

Every so often
You meet someone
Who you fall in love with
Ever so quickly

There is a usually a clock ticking
In time with your beating heart
Racing, faster and faster
Which one will win?

Time will run out
Time always runs out
Before love can form
But before heartbreak as well

You'll part ways
Never to meet again
When you think of them
Your lips will always remember to smile

Every so often
You meet someone
Who you fall in love with
For no reason at all

a watched *** never boils
and you stared at my every move
not knowing
that I would never bubble over
into the person
you hoped
me to be

for two weeks
I thought there was a baby
growing inside me
but instead
I was just late to understanding
how little you need me
and pregnant with the idea
that I could not live without you

my mother taught me
to never judge a book by its cover
but I forgot
that even the prettiest books
can have no literary value

the first (and only) time
you treated me
as your equal,
we were sitting outside
under the stars
and the moon,
which was ever so slightly
blue

my blessing
was not disguised
as a man that looked
and acted
like a mannequin
but rather
a crack in my heart
that took three years to make
and three months to fill

as it turns out,
I am a cloud
with skin made of silver

I found myself
full
after a day
of starvation
and I look in the mirror
disgusted by
not only my external
appearance
but my inner demons
as well

We have thoughts
about everything
we come in contact with,
but I never saved
my better judgments
for me

Perhaps I have used up
too much kindness
on everyone else
until there is none
left
at the end of the day
to spread through my fingertips
onto the skin
I occupy
but cannot seem
to love

A year and a half ago
(and an extra 15 days)
I let you go
(Forced you out of my life)
Because it hurt too much to hold on

You were never good enough for me
I let you beat me
(You didn't give me that much attention)
and blamed myself for giving you the bat

(One month short of)
A year and a half later
You asked for a second chance
Said, "I will make this work"

I told you I wouldn't try
I didn't care enough
(I cared too much)
and the job was solely yours

For a few days you gave it your all
Asking me about what it is you've been missing
(More than I care to tell you)
Acting like the man you never grew up to be

Now it's been a month
Since the last time I heard from you
(Not that I'm counting)

Maybe you finally realized that someone
As wonderful as me
(See: Things I Should Tell Myself)
Will never waste her time
On someone as awful as you
(You'd cry if I said this to you)

My friends in high school
Used to laugh when I told them
I always slept with my phone on,
Just in Case

Four months into my first real job
I try to stop my head from spinning
By silencing my friends
In different time zones on a Monday night

I wake up from a dream
Where I see you for the first time in weeks
To missed calls and messages
"I need help. I am in trouble."

My stomach becomes your rope bracelet
That got stuck in my lace shirt
The first time I slept over
Only this time, I am trying to fix it alone

You answer me before the sun
Lights up my living room
Not laughing at my overreaction
As we both know your alarms are often warranted

I do not try to turn your pain
Into something beautiful
But rather my fears
Into something concrete

That night I brush my teeth,
Gums bleeding,
Eyelids falling,
Phone volume on Max

For three years now,
I have had your soul.
You have opened the door,
let me in,
and given me the grand tour.

Now I ask for your body,
the acres that surround
and protect you,
the trees and the flowers that grow out front.

Our minds have collided,
our hearts made room,
and now I want to wrap around you,
touch all of the inches
that you have not shown me yet.