i'd rather get drunk
to the sound of your voice
but here i am
listening to music
on the midnight train home
all the good nights
and sleep tights
can't mask the ending
that began when we met

it came out of nowhere
like the arrival of summer showers
the bicycle speeding round the corner
my favourite song playing on the radio
i wasn't prepared for you
the way i wasn't prepared to start anew
you're the scent of spring rain
morning coffee
you're my sweet death
and i'm not ready

it's summer again
i met someone else
he'll become my summer
like you were my spring
in the clockwork seasons
we met and we loved
i used to fill pages with you
now i'm flipping the page
if i loved you
let it become a memory

when you walk away
i'm still head over heels for you
still feel my heart skip a beat
still feel my stomach dropping out
like that time we went on the roller coaster
and i saw the skyscrapers upside down with you
i still feel the butterflies
still think about the what-ifs
still wonder what i did wrong
still think about you
but you're walking away
and i don't know how to go after you

the walk to the beach is a long way
we pass by no one on the roads
the stars are a little forlorn
i look up at you but you don't look at me
we pass by an empty shopping cart
who left it there?
i push it along because it looks a little lonely
and it's not nice to be lonely at 4am
i know
you don't ask how  
but i wish you would
it's a very long way to the beach

when we get there
i'll still be empty
but i'll watch you turn golden
you, you were made for the sun

jack-frost blue on snow white
circles of grey around midnight black
against the velvet night sky
the silent constellations
i fell
and fell
and fell

i bathed in your irises
but my feet couldn't reach the bottom
and when i tried to surface
the air was frigid
slicing my consciousness into ribbons
i took a breath
the chill seeped in
first it was my toes
then my legs
my stomach
my fingers
my arms
my chest

then you blinked
the ice fractured
and i
i shattered from the inside
out

you're a drifter
addicted to high speeds
quick turns
squeal of car tires
mist on the road
sharp smiles
brittle things
fast cigarettes
harsh spotlights
they fade out at dawn
and you
shut down with them
i cant hold on to you
cant let go of you, either
when im with you
i turn into a drifter
addicted to the chase
that is you

you turned
and smiled
so pure
like first snow
on a trail of autumn
crystallized breaths
woolen mittens

so devastating
like white lightning
streaking across the darkness
lone trees on empty fields
splintered branches

in that moment
we were glacier
you loved languidly
like we had all the time in the world
i sighed and
my breath fanned out
enough to cover the cracks

you were so very pretty
the first time i saw you
it was spring
and you were a dream
soft and longing
every smile
blossomed with fragile hope

then the chill in the air gave way to
warm summer breezes in june
and you became more real  
no longer shifting in and out of existence
more solid
more beautiful
i wanted to plant flowers
along the paths you took
so you could only walk on
a lovely road from now on

when june turns to july
and july melts into august
when the leaves fall in september
i'll still want to clear a way for you
you won't be a dream anymore
you won't be a hazy existence
with every step you take
you'll leave your footsteps
singing in the autumn leaves
it will be less painful, then

\ \

i think about you
and i wonder
how long this can last

i'd like for you to take my hand
whenever i need you
like you did the last time
i'd like to take your hand
and walk down this road  

i don't like to think about us
apart

for you
at 11:11 i'll make a wish
that we'll be together
our fingers laced
even at the very end

i want to run far, far away
from this place
and from myself
let me become one of the lost boys
where i will not know
anything beyond this greyness  

let me become nothingness
turn me to dust in the air
ashes in the sea
take me away from the edge of the cliff
and let me fall
i will grow wings
and join the ranks of the
lost and fallen

kiss me
until i can no longer
feel the pull of gravity
until i am among the stars
then i would pick the stars for you
lay them out in the shape of you
hold me
until i feel your warmth
more than the burn of the sun
i would collect sunshine for you
then you could always stand in the light
i would take your hand from here
and we could walk down a flowery path

i keep running but
the storm is closing in
the wind blows me around
like the fallen red flowers
that chase my footsteps
i'm burning from the inside out
but save me from the rain
i don't want these bloodstains
drying out in my death

lights in our northern souls
we chew peanut butter sandwiches
and contemplate our existences
the future is sticky
and the past is honey-brown
that glues our teeth together
we swallow our words
and drown in the light

i miss you all the time
in between meal times
in the day
in the night
in my dreams
if we were not meant
to walk together to the end
i would rather we never met
because the pain is acute
and the loneliness is addictive

you squinted through
and took a picture
that yellow summer
we sat under green trees
blew bubbles
that popped on the brown bark
the ground was littered with the fallen
a graveyard of white flowers
the wind turned them into dancers
broken butterfly wings
pretty like the boy
with the beautiful dreams
there was wetness on your cheeks
i took your hand
and snapped a picture

she's standing on a platform
as the train chugs on a pebbled railroad
away to April harvests
and scattered hay bales
where the sun dips low
over rolling hills
and the wind whistles
to scarecrows in the golden wheat fields

he sits by a window framing
the dancing scenery
the evening is orange
and it falls in studious rectangles
across the compartment floor
he sleeps,
and the city steals away from him

by the time he gets off that train
he will have replaced his baseball hat
with a straw one
and her pack of pink bubblegum
will have fallen onto the tracks
when he stumbles on the platform

                                                       ­                      they will grow apart
                                                           ­                  she'll write to him
                                                             ­                he won't write back
                                                                ­             and they'll let it be

he was arrogance
lightning wrote his name
in the black spring sky
thunder spelled it aloud
under wakeful eyes
frost splintered the ground
in brilliant white

later
a little rain fell
in a field of cornflower blue
and muddied the quiet path through
the world no longer ice-kissed,
the season flowered unforgiving
then
he was melancholy

he wore pastel pajamas
and a crown of feathers
his world was mosaic

petals rained on his hair
red berries trailed his path
and his eyes reflected the ocean in them

he sang
and the leaves danced in fluid motion
he loved
and the ocean was warm in its embrace

sunny afternoons in the mall
strawberry ice-cream dripping
onto the manicured lawn
we'll laze in the shade of the big oak tree
you fall asleep while I try to speak

we make angels in the snow
your lines are sharp and defined
in the light mine falls in shadows
I store away the laughter
you leave around so carelessly

under the warm whites
steam is still rising
from your coffee mug
you left untouched
the wind chimes by the door
sound like your smile
sound like the ending of a day

not anymore
time is falling away
like salt crystals
in the hourglass
with every shedding of spring
our youth is slipping
into the sunset soundless,
just like the way you left
i wish you'd stuck around
but you chose to cut the cord
burn the rainbow down
tell me you found
what you've been looking for
out over at the kingdom in the sky

things done in secret
the scarlet burns inside of me
and green grows within
my temper was forged
by a fiery blacksmith
hard iron on steel
the raging embers
never go out easy
i am the wielder of this sword
gallant knights have taught
me to be the master
but i never learned the lessons well
so it swallows me whole
in its unforgiving hold

a fever breaks over another night
and you're wrapped in the heat of dawn
the orange sun is overpowering
in its iridescent sheen
12am slowly slips away
like when you
hide from the daylight
and slink into the 2AMs
how do i tell you
your eyes are electric
only in the morning
and the gold in your gaze
is singing to me

the sky is pink in its glory
the foam is deep-blue in the sea
it depends on what you're riding
insane with an addict high
or a dream in your motorbike
take a risk
will it be the sunrise or the sunset
anyway, they're all fall-fall and falling
like the bricks blocks in tetris
where victories line up to disappear
and failures just keep on piling

do not let those thoughts escape
because one day
someday
you'll be riding those
above the clouds and
under the waves
over unconceivable hurdles
on the skyline that is purple

they say
hindsight is 20/20
and I learned it for myself
today when I saw her
calling your name
too late I realised
I wish I had reasons
to just feel the shape
of your name
inside my mouth again

he used to be king of a kingdom
but now he is a wreck
ocean waves will stop his strides
then break his bones;
even so he is a colossal wreck
the kind that looms in the
inky-black depths
majestic
haunting
to tear away from him
is unthinkable
(he used to be unsinkable, too)

stop short in
all of the fleeting moments
rose-tinted lenses
i can still feel
the warmth of your skin
through your jacket material

deliberated on a long black
to fit in with your latte
but i guess i can't change
washed down my words
with steaming earl grey
and later at the quaint bookshop
i filled up my head
with other writers, pretended to
admire the whimsical words
but actually i was more interested
in the resident cat
it sat there, flicking its tail
disdainful of every new customer
that walked through the door

You used to trace my initials
on fogged-up glass planes
two halves of a heart drawn on tiptoes
other times the inked version
appeared in your journals
I came pouring out of your pen
spilling onto your keyboard
all the fears I never knew I had
you conjured them out
stuck them on me
like sticky-notes you used to
leave around, little reminders
of what was to come
//
it took two orbits of the earth
around the sun
but then you stopped promising
stopped searching
and winter let itself through
the door with the spare key
and the outside
of my fogged-up window
showed a December without snow
and I
and I...

(that cold January morning,
i blew on the glass and
traced your initials
watched them fade away)

it used to be daisies
under shining droplets of sun
transparent sadness
trapped in spiderwebs
now he's left on the
bleak balcony
with only his snapdragons
shaped like flower skulls
living for a tomorrow
no one believes in

somehow, slowly
I fell out of it
maybe it was when
I opened my eyes to
prettier things, like
bicycles parked under
trees bearing red leaves,
like the way the willow branches
fell next to the lake, like
looking out of the window
at 6am and seeing the sky
light up, like
feeling the sun after the rain
the sweet humidity
maybe it was during all of those
moments, or maybe it was none
but I accidentally fell out of it
with you

today I am thinking of you again

the sky is thundering
there is a scent of rain
lingering in the still air
it's called autumn rainfall
the country you're in now
but not here
all year round, it's
it's summer rain here
full of wet green grass
and I'm sitting outdoors
watching sunbeams
shine through patches of cloud
but I'm thinking of
a different kind of rain
with dark grey skies
red-gold leaves chasing
in a circle, long scarfs
flying and coats flapping

today I am missing you

the 3pm sun is streaming through
the window with
glued-on paper flakes
illuminating the furniture
casting dark shadows
against light wood
and i'm tasting snow
on my tongue
and thinking that this
feels like freedom

Seasons passed us by
I grew, and so did you
In chorus we made the universe spark
At crossroads you kissed my insecurities away
And somewhere along the way
You gave me your heart
I told you I wasn’t good at reciprocating
But you just smiled and said it’s okay
I loved you so much then, for choosing me

If you let go for a moment
The magic is lost
But we held on all the way
Maybe the point of together
became useless when we lost sight
of important things that were not us
So now we’re gripping too hard
We’re holding too loose
We’ve forgotten how it feels
to be in the middle
If you close your eyes for a moment
The equilibrium is lost

12am* and imagining
a play on the dark ceiling
1.30am and relieved
for the 5 hours before light
but slumber is a deceptive guy
who lingers just out of frame
3am and wondering
when the sun will rise
end this torture
of lying awake
wanting to sleep
but being disturbed by
slices of daytime memories
haunted by the
ghost of tomorrow
6am and fatigued
wary of sleep that
comes in loose scraps
the sunshine peeks through
and it's time to live out
last night's tomorrow
which will metamorphose
into tonight's insomnia

He dips his paint roller
into dark blue sadness
and splashes it across
the violet sunset
filling out the stars
that fall fall fall
onto great black umbrellas
the ones used on rainy days
except now the sky
is showering stars
so he tilts the cover up;
it's a world of white
unfilled diaries and
unspoken thoughts
slowly coloured by
translucent dream sequences
which disintegrate into
petals of deep burgundy
that used to be
pieces of him

Those are narrow, steep stone steps
that lead up to short crusted walls
and gritted grounds of sand  

Overlook the expanse of the lake
the willow trees, the autumn colours
Isolation, as you must learn, comes in
red and dust and wilted golden

when the wind blows
and the leaves rustle,
it is an echoing emptiness

the snow-frosted flower blossoms  
but walk past the fragile elegance
and hear it; listen to the soft sigh
quaver in the cold