i spent so many seconds
bled into minutes
into hours
into days
thinking of you

what hurts most
is that i know you haven’t done the same.
somewhere out there
you sleep
untroubled

the sun is coming up
and my blistering eyes can barely
stand to see it.
i’ve gone blind
looking for what we used to be

even when i sleep
when i dream
of you still caring
i just want to wake up.
i want the dreams to end.
it hurts to face
what i can’t have

in this rubble
i see pieces of us
and i pick them up even though
i don’t know what i’ll do with them.
the glue that held them together
is so very gone

there's an empty space
in the gap between our legs.
if air could speak,
it would scream for us.

you were the colour blue
touched with your cold hands
i was helpless
hopelessly addicted to the sunset skies and the deep ocean fish
that you said you held dear
you loved the colour blue
the forget-me-nots and the summertime beach trips
the slight blue of the night skies with the blue-tinted stars cresting the event horizon
i saw black and white
but you, to you i saw blue
too much blue
all around us was blue
but you made me see the blues of your eyes and the rusted signs in your backyard
not the blue of the gaze behind my back or the dark, dark blue of the water in my lungs you had so skillfully breathed into me
the blue that kept me at arms-length to you
surrounding your hummingbird heart
my chick-a-see heart was drowned, trying to reach you
i loved the colour blue when i was with you
but you put it all on me
and decided it didn’t suit me
so you took it back
and i saw the blue of the bruises on my chest
the blue of the ocean of unrest you gifted me
the blue blinding of my brothers and sisters
the blue of their wary
the blue of my weary
the blue of my hands and my heart, the only blue i had left
i see in black and white
and you couldn’t make me see otherwise

we chased the sun
with a suitcase
full of nothing
until the sky grew big
and we became heavy
in our lust for life
the threads of our pockets
we traded for time
and scattered them
amongst the stars
until, gilded by gold
they fell down around us
like a precious rain
our minds were shattered then
into a billion pieces
constellations of thoughts
bright against the
dark arc of night
and, like vagabonds
we ran howling as we
coloured the land with
our kaleidoscopic hearts
enraptured by the great
deafening silence
of divinity

I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.

ＪＪｓｂｄｋｓｎｄｋｋｄｍｘｍｊｓｈＪｕｓｔｌｅｔｍｅｄｉｅｍｍｍｋｂｈｂｘｊｄｎｘｎｂｄｊｘｂｄｎｘｎｎｘｎｘｎＩｍｓｏｔｉｒｅ­ｄｏｆｔｈｉｓｎｓｊｓ ｎｋｋｓｂｄｎｄｎｂｄｔｈｅｓｅ ｔｅａｒｓ ｗｏｎｔｓｔｏｐｊｄｊｄｎｎ ｚｎｊｓｎｎｄｕｄｎｄｋｄｋｎｆｋｄｍｓｓｎｆｎｊｄｎｄｎｎｄｂｄｂｄｂｄｎＷｈｙｔｈｅｐａｉｎｓｔｉｌｌｌｉｖｅｓｉｎ ｍｙｈｅａｒｔｊｊｘｎｘｊｘｊｄｎ ｍｙｋｄｊｄｖｊｓｎｄｊｃｊｎｄｎｄｎｃｎｘｋｘｎｋｘｎｄｋｄｋｊｄｎｓｋｘｈｊｓｈｄｊｄｄｎｄｅＩｍｓｏｆｕｃｋｉｎｇｔｉｒｅｄ­ｍｓｎｎｄｋｓｎｘｏｎｓｈｘｉｄｎｋｘｎｄｊｓｊｄｂｊｄｋｓｌｍｓｎｄｊｊｄｂｄｉｓｂｄｊｊｄｋｓｎｄｊｄｈｂｓｎｄｎｎｄｊｄｊｄ­ｎｄｎｄ


Ｙｏｕｌｌｎｅｖｅｒｕｎｄｅｒｓｔａｎｄ ｍｅ

Gangling ghosts cause trouble inside
this meaty microwave--
I am on these streets and don't know
how I got here.
I'm carrying 2% milk, in my left hand,
and a carton of extra-large eggs in my right--
I drop the jug and it bursts. I joke about how
I still have 2%, but no one laughs because
no one has ever really been around to hear me.
So, I'm scrambling eggs and wishing I had that
milk because who doesn't like voluminous eggs.
I stop whisking and ask who is there.
Why am I afraid of you, Why am I afraid of you
the raw scrambled eggs on the floor, touched by
ceramic seashells.
And it's you.
You are the Lord, a naked lover, that absence
caused by my auto-pilot parents
Forever,
right here.