my body shakes from the cold
that’s normal - at least its what i’m told
my whole body shakes
its like i’m an earthquake
an earthquake inside
waiting to break my mind
its so hard to tell
when i hear the bell
if all of this is truly real

that point inside
your veins
that rips you from
your mind
the one that takes
your soul

it leaves nothing
for you
it takes what it can making
you feel
that without it
you’re not real

it’s drowned
you out
for more than five years
it took away all
your fear
but it’s left you with
nothing more to bear
than a deep hole
inside your arm
that you can only see
with empty brown eyes

I can only say I’ve tried
more than a few times
to help you get it off your mind
but now now you’re only
crushing up more lines

with more lines comes
more tracks
which ends up with
less life and less tact

I see a firefly
He brightens up my night
I find him trying
To be so much more

Yet little does that guy know
He's doing so much more
Alone
that brightens up your night,
Sometimes your life.

Ferris wheels
Round and round
Rock away
The loud sounds
At the top
Where I sit
It all seems so calm
Nothing could matter a bit

We danced to a song
A song we both thought beautiful
Beautiful, like your eyes
Eyes that were blue
I gazed at them
As you spun me around casually
And we thought the neighbors might think
That we were crazy
Crazy we may be
Being with you, though
It's just as beautiful as that song

Opened up and vulnerable
There's no turning back now
I fear that I have to be able
My feelings, they just have to allow
All of the past, is just that
The past doesn't last
It's what the future holds
Like the letters of love
Only they're in bold
Outlined in silver slithers
Here I am,
Open and vulnerable
Hoping my soul does not wither

mania means blackouts.
the violent situation
mania.
all the symptoms were there.
short fuse.
irritability.
full blown,
mania.
all of the time.
mania.
i couldn't sleep.

you want to **** me like a *****
*******, that's it nothing more
buy me two drinks
watch as your ego doesn't shrink
it only gets bigger
thinking you'll be better
than my god ****** sweater
wrapped around me tight
hoping you won't bite
i'll just be watching you demise
as you hope you spread my thighs
nothing more than friends
that's how this will end
i don't want your ****
because you ******* ****.

drowsy bedroom eyes
they're wanting to sleep
by they'd rather look at you
striving for the moment to stay

curled up in your bed
listening to you speak
listening to the silence
the good kind, though

staring at your bedroom blue eyes
thinking in peace
and hopefully knowing
you're mine to keep

anxiety creeping on
anxiety taking over
i'm the youngest in a room
filled with folks i don't know
three old blondes
one middle aged man
i don't belong
just like out there
so how am i supposed to learn
when my stomach is in this churn
like butter i want to be spreadable
anywhere, and in everything
butter is so much smoother than me
for once i'd like to be credible
maybe, one day, incredible.

I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to help my situation.
I’m trying to help myself.
I’m trying to be the best I can.
I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to find solace in silence.
I’m trying to find a place where it’s ok.
I’m trying to find a place where I’m ok.
I’m not trying to be the victim.

That's when I felt it.
I grabbed the grocery bag.
I looked down because I felt it.
I felt it on my ring finger.
I felt the thick banded symbol.
I felt it on my ring finger,
Even if it was only a second.
It was a second that lasted long.
Longer than the last time I looked into your eyes.
That was all I could see,
Those blue eyes staring back at me.
The same ones that have been washed away.
Away with all of our memories.
I felt them all right there,
At that moment,
I felt everything you'd ever meant to me.
Then the bag moved,
The plastic slipped away,
Just like we have into new worlds.

I've got concerns
Ranging from head to toe
But mostly they're about you
I'm not quite sure
But your selfishness
Hasn't worn off on me
It hasn't even affected
How I really think of you
I've got concerns
That are no longer mine
You'll be just fine
And I'm making my own way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I still turned out okay
I've just got one last concern
That involves things deeper
Than the indent on this paper
So it doesn't really matter to you
You still won't understand
That's no longer your concern
I'll be just fine
I'm still making my way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I am turning out okay

I would love for you to kiss me
Kiss me how I could actually feel it.
Feelings might not be mutual
But agreements are out the door
Just because that door is closed
The kissing door isn't

I want to feel your lips graze mine
I want to feel them in me
I would love for the kiss to end up
With the both of us intertwined
Like that one night
When I never though I'd feel that kind

That kind of chemistry in bodies
Unlike the ones I can feel in lobbies
I want your hand to hold mine
It's terrible that this isn't the right time.

your love is like a sweater
without it i’d be cold and bitter
please stay on me
and keep me warm
like you did that one night
when we sat beneath the moonlight
and you told me you’d be staying
here by me, with all my sad stories
the sad stories you’d keep
reminding me of all the hurt they did
you’d said you’d never leave me
and you, you never did
you always had me guessing
if i would leave you
and up in this misery
this misery that i can’t keep
because it just creates all this heat
that i take out on you
when i had too many drinks
and made a fool
and gave you two black eyes
with my fists because
i thought you knew me better
because you were always my sweater

if you really want to see
what you've done to me
just look inside of this
this notebook you see

I'm petrified of your kiss
yet its the one thing I miss
when i'm laying on my couch
all benzo'd out

its the thing I desperately crave
when i'm alone in an ice cave
then I remember our bout
the one before you kicked me out
the one where I said ouch

you had me on your bed
your hands suffocating my head
all I thought was I love you tons
but then I saw your guns

I believed me a *****
a pathetic daddy issue girl
because of what you said
it burned me to the core

this is it you see
how I don'twant to be
how you thought me to be
that is what you've done to me

Trembling hands
Hands all over you
Your skin I know so well
So well like our love
Deep and endless

Endless is what we thought
Thoughts are turning into reality
The reality of you
And me
Working through my disease

My disease we worked through four years
Why not make it forty more
Forty more ounces
Until I forget my mistakes

My mistakes landed me here
Here in my bed alone
Alone
Alone at night
When I coulda shoulda stayed

I should have stayed in the house
The house you bought for us
For our woulda been family
Family means our furbaby
Family is ohana

You never left me
I never wanted to leave.
I just always thought it was better
You without me.

I’m like midwest weather forecast
I’m stuck in summer
I hate the dead of winter
it rains in the spring
overall
fall is the ******* worst

we are deemed the broken ones
with minds gone "crazy."
we are only grateful recipients,
for we see the world in other ways.
we are not faulty humans;
we only have an alternate life.

i’m sitting with my friend
we talk about our relationships
the ones that could’ve been
i’m tired of the what if’s
knowing that we did them
she tells me she tried
but it always circled
back around to the same ol’ sound

the sound of the hearts’ pound
thinking that this is what it’s about
loving someone so much
it makes you sad
to see another happy
it makes you sad that you can’t
you can’t open that door
to another

instead you’d rather keep trying
with that one who left you whining
whining that he forgot your birthday
and whining that he won’t kiss you
because you wouldn’t give him head

we sit and talk about all these times
reverting back to the trials
the trials that we went through
so many times
but every time we fell…
we fell right back to the floor
the one they always put us on.

they were the ones who picked us back up
they’re the ones who never left
they’re the ones who always tried for us
but they never found us

so we sit here on these chairs
acting like we talk about hair
but in reality all we can think
- did we really try?

You tried rearranging
all of the puzzle pieces.
It didn't turn out so well.
There were holes, gaping.
There were never pleases,
there was my tell.
I should have stopped you,
I would have had to yell.
This was something you felt
you truly needed to do.
So, I watched over the puzzle.
In search of a way to cope,
I only kept hanging onto hope.
Hope that one day you'd see,
the puzzle pieces were always right.
I did not need rearranging,
after all.

I have a hard time
letting go of your past
even knowing that I’m not
responsible for your kind
I still can’t get that statement to unwind
when you told me,
“it was because I didn’t have you.”
I should have been through
that time with you.
you’ve taken our faith,
you let it go to waste.
just so you could act like a person
but you were just thirsty
for that thing crystal.

here comes number two
this time I didn’t want to be through
this is the second overdose
at least I’m not comatose

first I had this headache
but then I felt my back ache
my hands were kinda trembling
my legs wouldn’t stop bending

my head began to tighten
my mom needed to be enlightened
I tried to talk with her
all my words were blurred

they asked if they could help in a way
I just needed to keep my body at bay
it was hard to breathe
I knew I needed to leave

in the car came more spasms
I don’t think she even fathomed
this is what happens you see
when you need meds to be

they ask me how much I took
to overdose on lithium
I just gave an astonishing look
I didn’t do this for fun

I’m here because I’m seizing
on a dose that was wrote
by my doctor you see
so I could finally be
normal to me.

you just lay me here to quiver
and you’re in here faking
this alarm is awakening
BP one forty three over ninety four
I’m convulsing, almost to the floor
my heart rate is up to one fifty
this could not be anymore ******

you wanna give me ativan
after I tell you they said no benzos
plus I’m on this other,
atypical antipsychotic
oh, I forgot to mention that other overdose.
I don’t need to frolic
in a white pill sea
that’s now beneath me

I just want this to stop.
this constant convulsing
the unwanted tightening
it goes from bottom to top

over an hour later
it finally chose to stop
when the blood work was fine
my heart was on a normal line

this music’s sound is unlike anything
i’ve ever heard.
it makes my soul smooth,
it makes my heart cringe
yet it doesn’t over do it
with the sounds they let you hear.


the sound of someone falling,
falling farther from that cloud
that cloud that was their love,
filled with glitter and soft whispers


the song makes break ups beautiful
something you’d like to not fear
it makes you want to work out
your plans of i do and not
end up shivering from the dry heaves
your tears made you feel

Forever sitting on the fence
You've placed me on the bench
Never will I see the green side
That's what I get for being this kind
Always watching dead grass
A lousy metaphor for left past
Trapped in a sense of grace
Yet you've put me in last place
Stuck in a reality that is no more
My body's the only thing left able to score
Even when I see the sun
My skills say I should run
Forever sitting on the fence
From here everything makes sense
Never will I fear the unknown
I see from both sides of the throne
Always looking out for number one
In this way, I will always be shunned
Trapped atop these wooden pickets
It's way too late for me to buy a ticket
Stuck in the nose bleed bleachers
No one is capable of being my teacher
Even when I see the sun
From my fence I will not run
Forever sitting on the fence
Where you put my heart to rest

I will sing a melody
one that keeps you warm
I’ll sing a song so good
you’ll forget all the coulda
woulda shoulda beens.

the song will keep you high
you’ll be in the sky
I’ll be following right behind
I forgot what it was like -
this tragically beautiful flight.

you’ll sing back to me
knowing that this will always be
the safest place ;
being she and he
nothing else will ever be

tic tac toe to me
isn’t what you think
in fact it really stinks

this is what you think:
that I’m not true
because I follow
the directions on my orange bottle

tic tac toe to me
is a lengthy process
I’ve been off of them;
I cared about myself way less

tic tac toe to you
just reminds you of me;
just like everything else.
reminds you of all my tells.

tic tac toe resolves our woes
they can go from head to toes
I’ll never fill a void…
you’ll only think I toyed

we’re riding in your best friend’s car
where yah tell me that I’m cute
I just bow my head and say
you’re pretty cute yourself
you put your arm around my shoulders
and tell me I’m adorable
my body responds by touching your leg
my head just thinks “how can he be mine?”
he sings outloud, “please fall asleep so I can take pictures if you
& hang them in my room”
I just close my eyes and bob my head
to this tune that reminds me of you

If I could escape,
I would go to a place -
A place that’s not far,
but a place that is rare.
The place filled with black-eyed susans
and wild orange lillies.
There’s buckets of rain water
and spider plants inside.
Daisies and hostas line the porch
where that green swing hung.

My feet were always too short,
so Dad had to help
keep that swing swaying
while I watched the beautiful blonde.
She had brown eyes and a kind smile.
That woman was my mom.

We kept all the flowers pretty.
All together, my little family,
     We were so happy.

i’d like to one day write
about something that isn’t a fight
something beautiful
and something serene
there’s something around with some sheen
i know it’s true
that's what all the others say.
self, don’t be so blue
today’s a new day
and i can write what i please
even if it’s not with ease

the way this hat feels
on my head
its such a soft wool
its creating a light pull
on the back of my hair
but in reality
warm are my ears
its a deep shade of violet
the color of royalty
i'll reach that shortly
it's knitted quite tightly
but the pull,
it's kind of light
it works with my outfit
my ex's tye dye t-shirt
with a button up
that just happens to be tribal print
i picked it up
the day after i had stayed
that shirt matches my shoes
i took the laces out not long ago
i felt like it would be a better show
they're more comfy now
that's how this whole room feels

looking back I see
where it all went wrong
it was when I saw her
her in bra and a thong
you weren’t denying
you’d only been implying
this friend you said
is only a friend
it may not have been a lie
it was enough for me
to say bye.

its that special time between
the winter and autumn
when its sometimes snowing
and there’s no sunshine
to come leaking through
the clouds are thick at this time

I'd be stuck at the bottom
Waiting for you to show the way
When it was in my control all along
I'm no longer there
I'm in a higher place
I have a smile on my face
Something you will never see
Something I never want you to see

I am getting frustrated
at the sight of all these sick people
running around and blowing
their nose with nothing but the air
these women behind the desk
they don’t really seem to care
they just nod their head -
forget to take the insurance card
they tell you to sit
patiently
well how am I supposed to wait behind
these people without giving a ****
if I’m late or if I’ll be on time
that’s all I can really think
when I stare at this sick girl
I do care you see
but I work for a company
one that is a corporation and
I truly feel disposable
like the generic paper towels
that won’t absorb anything
I’m just one of many -
not making the company anymore money
while I sit and wait
behind all these sick people
when all I need is five minutes of your time
to stick a needle in my arm to
tell me that I’m not overdosing.

You’re in my house
and I can’t let you out
every time you’re near the door
I slam it closed
and lock you in your room
I keep you safe
away from everyone
-everyone that’s in there, too.
I keep them away from you.
I keep you safe,
safe and sound
I’ll keep you bound until I’m safe..
safe from this place
you call my mind.
you’re the only thing
that seems to coincide.

I'm driving places I've never been
And I'm not talking of sins
I'm talking the chemicals in my brain
The ones that make me feel sane

i’d like to be out in the sea
i’d be on a wave
jumping over top
waiting for the crash
avoiding the undertow
i’d doing like i did as a kid
i’d soak up the sun
and play in the sand
just enjoying
the ocean breeze
and the ocean view

i would say i’m okay
but in all reality
it’s these nine pills i take a day
four for anxiety
three for a stable shiny mind
and two mg to keep me low

all of these downers
i’m still above
i’m still above that line
that line of feeling fine

all of these downers
that are supposed to keep me stable
and there are still moments
when i feel so unable
to take on the day

all of these downers
would have some on their ***
and i’m here still finding
that my *** is playing in grass

Suddenly, there was sun.
I wanted to bask in it,
To take it all in.
The rays touched  me,
Talked to me ways
People around couldn't.
I couldn't put on sunscreen,
The way this feels -
Enriching and enlightening -
I would never put a mask
Between it and I.

Do you remember Midwest Weather?
It seems I'm stuck in winter.
Some sunshine skies allowed.
Though the skies are dreary now,
The fiercest is very promising.
In days to come there's a high of 75,
Only a few with an overcast sky.

that last morning
was one of the best
your head slightly rest
upon my naked chest
your curls in my fingers
your scent still lingered
our love made so sweetly
destroying your current love
i left you in mourning
your decisions to destroy me
with your decision to break her
that was our last morning

There’s a place on 12th and Hawthorne
and one on 12th and Morrison
I want to take you there
and talk about how I care.
we just have to pay the bus fare

it’s just on the 70…
no where near my Kennedy
we’ll walk a couple blocks
it could be more like five
that’s ok we’ll be at high dive

I hope we do see mo.
she’ll be playing sad love ballads.
if we end up seeing shon
we’ll think he’s the Foo fighters lad
then there could be dan.
he’s still trying to be a man.

we’ll walk a few blocks more
there’s an attraction here
it’s called roadside, dear.
we can have a few beers.

we’ll sit on a lovely swing
and I’ll talk about this thing
I want to take you there.
however I’m just too scared.

as I sit here in a non sterotypical room
I think of why are these people here
they appear normal to me
which means the opposite as well
maybe they’ll avoid their eyes meeting my arm
my arms the one twitching today
with random sensations in my legs
I don’t feel well taking the two pills
their jobs are to put me on hill
& yet here I am still below ground
this whole mess looks like
a two year old drew a circle
there’s no balance here
just no death or fear of death
even if there was
it is gone in one deep breath

the weight of  your smile
when you look at me
is comparable to the weight
of a thousand bricks.
they'll crash from the top of a building,
and i will discover one day
what the ground felt
when they finally hit.

the light of your eyes
the way they hit mine
they're filled with beauty,
like that of the sunlight
rising at seven am
driving down the highway.
the fog still on the road,
you can see the day begin.
and i realize this could all end,
i'd be perfectly happy
staring into the light
until the end of my days.

The leaves they're flying instead of falling
I guess this is the part that's beautiful
The somewhere in between
Perhaps falling isn't
The ******* worst

I start the day with one horse pill.
Half way through
I take a small one, two.
I'll last awhile longer
Until I need to intake
A caloric amount of 450
To make that third pill work
The fourth is just the same
As the first one of the day
My fifth will come when I am ready
To make a journey to a slumber.

waking up to a call
still distant in my dreams
the only thing I felt
was your arm around my waist
stuck on the phone -
listening to someone else's moans
out of respect and familiar bones
listen because I care
and there no longer
another person there
they're in a pinch
and I'm here to help
I'm now their only source
because no one has really felt
the things they've been through
besides me outside of my dreams