My choice of poison permits the world to fade. Every sense inside of my body becomes dull and faint. My lungs struggle to draw in air. Each breathe falls short causing my chest to heave.
I can feel the bitter substance hurl my empty frame off of life’s edge. My limbs are worthless as the stale air whips through my core. They flail back and forth in the breeze throwing my perception of time farther away with each movement. I am left wondering if there will be any warning before I reach my destination.
My surface hits the stone with an unsettling crack. The asphalt kisses my flesh tauntingly. The chill of the surface sends electrical currents through my body. Its rough surface welcomes the warmth from my flesh.
Reality has finally sunk as low as I have in my cold abstract rock bottom. I pray for someone to help me, and listen to my thoughts. All my helpers repeat the same empty sentences. “You will get better.”, or “ This is just a phase.”
Overwhelmed, I watch them as they walk the level above me. Their eyes are focused on their own horizon. Leaving me as empty as I was before. Reminding me that I have been alone for many years.
The obstacle course in front of me seems daunting. Its perfect blocks seem never ending. Each flight curves in whatever direction it chooses.
As I begin my journey, I attempt to hide my emotions and fears from the other souls that are passing through, but I fail miserably for they see me right through my veil. The railing slips through my fingers as they shove me aside My frame becomes bruised from being pushed and pulled in different directions. Exhaustion latches it's arms around my legs in attempt to slow my journey.
Thoughts trickle through my head as I attempt to conquer the barrier in front of me. They do not filter their words as they voice their opinions Flowing with ease, they invade my personal space.
Will my happiness ever come back? Is there going to be any memories that I am going to be able to share with my family? Should I leave this cold world that lacks luster and light?
I shove them back, and attempt to shake the uneasy feeling they left in their wake. I know that no pleading is going to turn back time. Nothing will make my past easier. As I trek through the rocky terrain, I promise to become brave, to let my voice be heard, to face my fears, and to love life the way that it is supposed to be.
"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."~J.K. Rowling.
caress my cheek, darkness please. cover my body in flame and dip myself in acid. ill bow to fear and loathing. moonlight reborn, bathed in stars. ill dive into the midnight pool, to cleanse me of my sins. the current grabs my body, wrapping both my legs. i feel the pull, of underground, and fight the urge to fight. i look up to see a quarter moon through the waves. with my last sigh, i let out soft bubbles of breath. shortly after, eyes still wide open, i hit rock bottom.
I feel like I’m at the rock bottom of my life, feeling so worthless and all i do is blaming myself. I feel like I’m insane to hold the pang in my chest, the pressure of this world madness. Drowning in the deep of miserably and despair. Everything seems not in the line, so overwhelmed , and the hatred towards me has been growth. I don’t even know who i am, or where i am. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ - it terrifies me, that i'm getting lost and neither can save me.
Long liquid breaths fill my lungs An ache, born in my skull, spreads through my limp body A rush of salt, and spasms.
This is what I want... what I’ve been waiting for
Fantasies of my swollen body, split in the sun Pecked by seagulls, picked by *****
All of them I envy They are real I am not real. I never have been.
I wrote this in college. My professor’s only comment: “if this is how you really feel, you need to seek help”. By then I had felt this way for so long that I didn’t understand that it was abnormal. That was 25 years ago. Not long after, I was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m lucky to be able to say that I only feel this way every few months, now. If you feel this way, know that you don’t have to. You can get help. Believing that it exists is the hardest part.