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874 · Jul 2015
phone calls
waking up to a call
still distant in my dreams
the only thing I felt
was your arm around my waist
stuck on the phone -
listening to someone else's moans
out of respect and familiar bones
listen because I care
and there no longer
another person there
they're in a pinch
and I'm here to help
I'm now their only source
because no one has really felt
the things they've been through
besides me outside of my dreams
I did what I was supposed to do
Yet it is turning out the same
I'm still running out of green pills
The ones that keep me sane

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet I still feel the same
I'm taking more orange pills
For I fear I'm going insane

I did what I was supposed to do
I counted to ten
But then I kept counting
Hoping I'd see my self around the bend

I did what I was supposed to do
It didn't really change a thing
I made a dreaded phone call
At least the voices were nowhere to sing

I did what I was supposed to do
It doesn't help the present problem
I made an appointment
At least I called them

I did what I was supposed to do
I left the house how I should
I kept my responsibilities
At least I could

I did what I was supposed to do
But I still feel the same
All of these **** things
And I still feel insane
798 · Mar 2016
one year and then some
i wish i had seen the day;
the one where i was over you.
my whole life since seems a play
i wish my mind would be through
especially with the thoughts of you
you come about at the deepest times
tripping on LSD
and your name is one that chimes
my friends tell me let it be
my brain tells me the same
my heart just feels ashamed
to have ever loved so much
i can't cure it with another's touch
i've tried and tried the past year
yet, i still end up in tears
794 · May 2015
Untitled
I can’t say I see the future
but I know today is brighter
because I’ve become a fighter
781 · May 2015
my way home
there i was
worried
about coming home
to an empty space
filled with two cats
and memories i can’t erase.

i made it home
i was benzo’d out.

i did the dishes
catching myself
from the ***** soap water
repeating the things
distract and relax
that's what the crazies said

here i am, in my head
saying it too
am i crazy
or am i just living dead

so i vacuum
and say it again
i can cope,
panic doesn’t ****


does this make me crazy
that i say these things
to keep me calm
to distract and relax
my mind knowing that
**i’m all alone
780 · May 2015
its autumn now
all I see are dead leaves
falling to the floor
piled in the corners
their sticking to my rake
it’s kind of overwhelming
I can’t really focus
when all these leaves are here
I wish I could switch gears
to get rid of all this fear
773 · Aug 2015
Weathered Grounds
trampling over weathered grounds
along the way that's where I'll be found
beaten, bruised, and criticized
yet when you see me I'll be fine
765 · May 2015
in an alley
I remember our first kiss
whiskey and too many cigarettes
I was at my worst
you were at your best
I made you do two lines
after all I needed to feel fine
you made me slightly nervous
you were too observant
738 · Apr 2016
The Forecast
I’m like the Midwest weather forecast.
I’m stuck in summer.
I hate the dead of winter.
It rains in the spring.
Overall,
fall is the ******* worst.
It’s autumn's curse.
All I see are dead leaves,
falling to the floor.
Piled in the corners,
they’re sticking to my rake.
It’s kind of overwhelming.
I really cannot focus,
when all these leaves are here.
I wish I could switch gears,
to get rid of all this fear.
The leaves they're flying instead of falling.
I guess this is the part that's beautiful,
the magical somewhere in between.
Perhaps falling isn't
the ******* worst.
It’s that special time between
the winter and autumn,
when it’s sometimes snowing,
and there’s no sunshine
to come leaking through.
The clouds are thick at this time.
I wrote five short poems over the course of the months April 2015 to February  2016. This is what I put together in chronological order.
737 · May 2015
life goals
my life goals have changed from time to time.
as a child I wanted to be a bus driver
as I grew to find out more I opted to get into law school
a couple years after that, I settled on being on healthcare
a year into that adventure with failed roommates and failed part time jobs
I came home and became the person
the person who wipes grannys **** when no else will
and sings and dances with the crazies because no one else will
that was my dream and my life for a couple of years
now as an adult
a mid twenties adult
I feel forced to know what I’m doing in this life
735 · Jun 2015
Phil
I sit in this hospital
For someone else that isn't me
Instead, for someone finally trying to be
The person that's underneath all of those bottles

We thought you'd scream and fight
Instead it was almost like we had reached
Your destination of the beach

As we pulled in you freaked
A little about the record
And what they would think of you
You, black pants and no shoes

Really, though -
Who could not respect
A young man standing tough
In the waiting room of an emergency room
Finally accepting help
732 · May 2015
thoughts
There’s days when my mind
can’t seem to stop
all these racing thoughts
the thoughts of us
the thoughts of my past
any thought that comes to be
it just never seems to stop
even after all everything I do
all these racing thoughts
just never ever seem to stop
726 · Jun 2015
Hands to heart
Trembling hands
Hands turn to ice
There's ice in bones
Present in my bones
But not in my heart
In my heart I try to find hope
Hope of tomorrow and
Hope for the future
The future without so many crutches
Crutches that I need now
Now is when I wish
I wasn't born into this
717 · May 2015
sixth floor
The skies are grey
The curtains blue
bed sheets white
and scrub sets seal
no phone, no tv
no outside for me

i’m in four walls
where it’s actually
the safest place to be
706 · Mar 2016
These Days
These are the days she fears the most.
When she wakes in the morning,
there's something askew.
She will try and get out,
out of her warm, soft blankets
before the buzzing of her phone
reminds her that she must work.
These days, though, she'll fail,
and stay cocooned until ten minutes
before she has to make the short journey.
She'll normally crawl out of bed,
pour a hot cup of coffee with one sugar,
drink it slowly while inhaling
her first nicotine fix for the day.
These days, though, she ran out the door,
coffee in hand, and didn't light the first cigarette
until she was already on the main road
to the hell hole she was employed at.
Usually, by now, her mood will have changed.
However, these days it just seemed to get worse.
Stuck between broiler and fryer,
she sat with chalky vinyl gloves
scrubbing the dirt and grease away.
She would think to herself,
"Haven't I done this before, to myself?"
These were the days she hated most.
When her co-workers ask,
"You're not your normal self?"
"How am I to be normal when I am
stuck here with people much better?"
She should know better, by now,
to not think this way,
but everything today was pointing
towards the barrel of a gun.
She finished her shift, eight minutes late,
ran to her car to be saved by the grace,
the grace of her car and a warm voice on the phone.
This day was finally getting better,
but then she walked in the door
where it was do this, do that,
screams here, screams there,
crying here, crying there.
These days, everything just got worse.
She finally mustered up enough anxiety
to tell everyone she needed some space,
so she took her best friend,
on four doppy long legs he stood,
for a short walk around the block.
She was finally clearing her head
of the overdosing thoughts,
when her ****** nosey neighbor,
stepped out onto her walk,
making conversation uncomfortable,
after five minutes she got on her way.
This girl finally decided
that it may be time for another cancer stick,
to wash some of the nerves away.
Once back around, she still was on edge,
pretty typical of these days, at least.
She went to her room,
and made yet another phone call,
to the same one as earlier,
it helped a bit more this time through,
until children came into the picture.
Normally, this would be fine,
even liked, but these days,
No.
No one was allowed inside this girl's head,
for these were the days she feared most.
703 · Aug 2015
next to you
curled next to you in my bed
is what i'd rather do
instead of lay in bed alone
thinking of things unknown
at least i'd get some rest
knowing that i'm lying next to the best
even if i couldn't
you'd try to sing me to sleep
with your voice i'd love to keep
696 · May 2015
sun meets sea
there’s a place
where the sun meets sea -
that’s where we used to be.
now we’re somewhere
Here.
you’re having this strange fear
& I’m calling someone else dear.
I’m playing in this sand,
you’re stuck on the land.
684 · May 2015
goner
"inside out, you’re underneath"
"don’t let me be gone."
"i’m a goner"
"i want to be known."


those are the lyrics
that had my eyes in tears
that had my heart in pain
they hit so close
so close to home
they hit my heart
they hit my head

every part of me
felt this song
felt me knowing
that eventually
no one can fix me.

i want to know myself.
i don’t want to be gone
i have to stop myself
stop it from being gone.

"i’m inside out,
you’re underneath."

i have to get right side out
i have to get that underneath
back outside
my filthy mind
my filthy mind that won’t let me escape

i can’t take another day
feeling this way
feeling like i’m somewhere
stuck in-between
between these spaces in my brain
inspired by twenty one pilots
655 · Mar 2016
Some Nights
Some nights
Its great to write
Long stories that are bright
Today is not
Tonight is filled
With thoughts that could ****
Hopefully it only lasts until
Tomorrow comes
With rays of sun
To dry up the mud
624 · Mar 2016
showers
there will be a time when
showers don't make me think of you
the way you and i would sit
the spout sticking in my spine
and your knees against mine
we would talk about our days
and what made us ****** the most
we would cover each other in bubbles
and let ourselves soak together
you'd make your crooked smile
i'd be flush as could be hiding myself from you
even though it was everything you knew
there will be a time when
i don't think of you.
620 · Jul 2015
Meant to Be
Everything is how it should be
My writings been sparse
My thoughts not so much
My hairs turned coarse
My wardrobe hasn't been clutch
I can't find the time between
Hardship and anxiety
To let you get the best of me
But here I am
Crying over coffee
Because you decided it wasn't me
I want to write about you.
You leave me speechless.
610 · Jun 2015
Stability
Here I am again
Stuck in between
Stability and losing my mind
I don't know what is best
Usually it's less
Than what's happening behind the scenes
I wish I didn't find you so keen
It'd make this easier
But I'd end up sleazier
That's something I don't want
Even though sometimes I have that front
I want what's best
I'm told that I should take rest
From all these guys
That want a piece of pie
I know that much is what's really best.
Taking time to find stability
In your arms I find that capability.
592 · Apr 2016
Time
Am I crazy?
Am I sane?
I've lost track of time.
It's only been a year,
And my life is different
Than it was before.

I've been on the floor,
I've been in the sky.
I've been in between.
It's only been a year,
And I feel like I'm worse
Than I was before.
580 · May 2015
sarah no. 2
I started working my life
in a way sarah would like
it send quite misdirected
living a way someone else suggested
but she’s the one I’ve trusted
all throughout thus crazy life
so many turns sometimes the wrong way
she was there not an ear spared
sarah seems to care
when I have every thing to bear
she will listen and not put up a fight
to make me do what’s right
sarah let’s me see
what my decisions have done to me
she always shows me
a new way to try and be
finding a way within my mind
to close out the rest
she makes me find
colleen at her best
she sat alone
with coffee on her breath
looking at her phone
finding the hairs
that you left two nights ago
reminding her
life doesn't have to be so lonely
even after you are realizing
that your own best friend
is someone you no longer know
569 · May 2015
6095 or 6059
I’m not sure
but sometimes
I’d rather be zoned,
just to feel like an ice cream cone
cold, down to the bone,
chill to the taste.
Ice cream isn’t a waste.
562 · Jun 2015
days like these (2)
its days like these
i wish my life was an ease

do i only make it harder
harder on myself
allowing all thoughts
to stutter through my day

its days like these
that every thing goes wrong

do i only see it that way
that every thing ruins my day
when nothing has tremendously gone wrong

its days like these
i wish i could easily take a walk
to make all the racing thoughts stop

do i only let them continue
letting the brain’s juice stew
558 · May 2015
4/27
a year ago today
i was in the sky
i was on a flight
trying to say goodbye

it was on my birthday
when i was finding my way
out of this ****** city
into a bright new city

it was on the 7th floor
when i finally became torn
looking out below
trying to decide
if this was the closet
i’d ever feel to home
556 · Nov 2015
one of a kind
one of a kind
all the same
i detach like a leaf from a branch
i slowly fall with the help of gusts
however i still end up on the same destination
as the leaves that fell before me
i just had a different path
one that was windy
and happened on a rainy day
555 · May 2015
light blue lines
i find a peace in these lines
with a black colored pen
whether i’m quoting my favorite band
or writing my thought

I CAN
fight these feelings
control those channels
and organize the walls’ panels
and sing my favorite song

all in between these light blue lines
everything turns fine
547 · Apr 2016
0405
I'm stuck on you all over again
          at least we never had a bad end.

You made my heart stop
          with your secret thoughts.

I'm writing about you again
          how sad will this end?
544 · May 2015
alice
And here is this rabbit hole
light easy and free
nothing there’s a daul.
I would like to fall.

deep down taking the fall
everything is so calm
so calm and dark,
like the color of my shirt
nothing here hurts.
538 · Mar 2016
Relapse. Repeat.
Relapse.
It happens over days,
Even though it only seems like one.
There's a steady decline,
A slow moving train.
A step towards isolation,
A step away from civilization.
One missed pill,
Turns into a few.
I skipped a meeting,
Maybe two.
I scratched myself a hole in the shower.
I thought to myself I felt better.
This is the decline,
The step away from stability.
That landed me here.
Here in these grey walls,
Again.
534 · Jul 2015
Parts of Me
nine or ten pills a day
make the best part go away
how does one live a life so dull
when it once used to be full
UPS and downs
broken faces, empty bottles
bed ridden weeks
that were filled with no motivation
but I wish I could keep
some parts of me
504 · May 2016
Untitled
498 · May 2015
332
332
our bodies skin to skin
our arms and legs
limb to limb
our fingers intertwined
all of this just runs
through my mind
trying to think
why I’ve never felt
this kind of simplicity
when being body to body
497 · May 2015
Untitled
There’s something about silence
that makes perseverance
more capable than yesterday’s
495 · May 2015
332
332
this casual relationship
is starting to turn
into a nervous churn
deep inside my skin
& getting to my stomach
I’m turning kind of nervous
only because I’m curious
to see what you think of me
and knowing your response
to “could we really be”
I don’t need to fail
knowing that you’d bail
upon me asking
to have this sober conversation
484 · May 2015
days like these
its days like these
i wish i was another
another human being
with different struggles
the ones not in their head
affecting the way everything’s read

todays the day i want to be
inside another’s home
inside another head
just anywhere outside
outside of this place

the chaos of my mind
of my head
and of my life
i feel like i try
every single little thing
and every single time
i just end up lingering
somewhere out in space
out of place
even after everything
i’ve ******* tried.
472 · Jun 2015
Knuckles
If I could steal another's words,
I swear I would have said,
"Be sure to kiss your knuckles,
before you punch me in the face."
If I would have had the guts,
I would have long before said stop.
I swear I would have said,
"Please stop your words
before they reach my ears."
I'd rather you have punched me in the face
Because I can forget the knuckle prints
But I can't let go of the word fits.
468 · May 2015
damien
you are a very handsome man
with a lovely set of eyes
you know exactly when
to touch my thighs

and yet the way you stand
so humble and secure
you’re something, that’s for sure
you’re a very kind man.

any lady would be luck to have
any girl i know would be jealous
of this thing i have for
this thing between us

you’re a lovely person, sir
i sincerely hope you know that
i don’t want to hurt you
& i’ve begun to open up to you

i’m glad i have because you’ve
thrown no red or yellow flags
in fact, you remained calm
& tried the best you can

I hope to keep this going sir, all
these happy thoughts and
perfect dollar cards about
cats and magic hats
& i can’t forget this kit kat.
464 · May 2015
solitude
I thought we were simple,
and I thought we were capable.
I thought we could work,
but I feel like a ****.
I thought I could be,
that girl you would marry.
Now, here, I don’t even want to be.
I don’t want to be the one
holding your hand
and saying it’s okay.
I’d rather fight my demons
on my own
in my solitude.
452 · Jul 2015
Occupying
I'm just scribbling lines now
Something to occupy my mind
The thoughts that are fowl
They somehow disappear
And there's things I find
When I'm in there
444 · May 2015
this place i grew up
As I drove here today
I pondered the funny feeling
The one I felt when I first ran away
The one that crept
The one that made the abuse real
Those were the ones making me feel

Two hours later, I'm in my car
knowing I should go
I should run and take myself away
Once again
Its not as easy this time
Seeing him place his hands
And his words and his tone
On the little ones

The little ones that I grew
The ones I wish could have flew
With me to another place
Somehow achieving a sense of grace

The little ones I can't protect
Not anymore, I can't forget
Every time I'm here
all of these fears
They just come creeping back

I'll just sit in my car this time
428 · Mar 2016
This is a poem
This is a poem
about love
and how sometimes
it fits like a glove.

I wrote this poem
on a cold and eventful night.
I was driving the whole time,
you were in hindsight.

This poem will tell you how
I wanted to say it back,
but I couldn't find the words,
that's a skill I lack.

This poem is a story
of how you said you love me.
You had wrote a song,
that I read four times briefly.

This poem is payback,
for all the sweet things you wrote.
While your brown eyes wandered
mine were stuck on the last note.

I'm writing you a poem again,
trying to tell you I can't forget
the way your scent lingers
and the way my lip was bit.

This will be a lengthy poem.
You're worth the hour drive,
I knew it the first night,
you make me feel alive.

This poem is about you
and all the tiny things you do,
from the way you laugh
and the way speak Korean, too.

This poem is about respect
about how you've come so far
when I've seen others fall
you're passing the bar.

This poem is supposed to show you
that I feel those words, too.
I can't forget your hand on my thigh,
if it were another's I'd want to sue.

This poem is about the future,
in case one day it needs referenced
because what is love
if one day we're not ******

This poem won't be the last one,
we're still at the start,
even though I don't know how you did it
you've already won my heart

I really like this poem,
for it is about you and me,
all those tiny things we spoke of
and what I want us to be.
421 · Apr 2016
Silent
Writer’s block
But I can’t seem to stop
My thoughts are pungent
Hid within my dungeon
Soul seekers beware
My thoughts could scare
They could take you in
And make you binge
On ideas that are dark
Or maybe light a spark
Thoughts of three
I wish I were free
It’s the worst of times
Their minds never collide
Constant background noise
Can’t seem to hold my poise
My thoughts are violent
Though my words silent
404 · May 2015
BW/Wave 57
I made a new friend, you know.
She’s absolutely beautiful.
She is with porcelain skin,
with long dyed red locks.
She says she has been
through a few too many rocks.
She has a heart of gold.
just like slivers of her hair.
Not too many have cared,
even after her soul has bared.
I would like to be there, and
create a new friend here.
She deserves way more
than her past life’s gore.
402 · Aug 2015
simplicity
something so simple
is what this seems to be
i'd like to write about it
but i'm not angry with thee
in fact i'm quite content
sitting in this chair
knowing how you care
hoping you still have things to share
i'm safely taking caution
to not go off the deep end
staying safe with you on dry land
seems the best option
at least for now, you see
i don't want this to end
end at all, or dramatically
i'd like us to keep dancing
and keep it all so simple
but there's a problem i find
getting lost in those blue eyes
i've never met any of your kind
i'm slowly sinking into you
you are so appealing
as human being
you're nothing i've ever seen
that there frightens me
afraid i'll fall into a slumber
and you'll leave and i'll be a ******
400 · Jun 2015
that slight point
i did my affirmations and found i am open minded
and i tried to look myself in the eye and found i couldn’t
i could only see my features,
my cheek bones mostly.
and the corners of my lips.
that slight point.
of looking myself in the eye
seemed so **** difficult..
no wonder i did it without saying anything
and i caught my lip’s points fall.
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