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days are filled with you
nights are haunted by you
however it's not you i seek
it's myself, not so meek
i'm trying to find that time
when i was more confident
and just a little less bent
i'm looking for a sign
one that means i'm not blind
though that is hard
i've been dealt this cards
a king and queen of different suits
a signal to a life unknown
one filled with ups and downs
one where you're a part of
it wasn't all you
like my head says
i made myself work
even with all of the quirks
so i'll find myself again,
i'm somewhere around this bend
death doesn't have to be the end.
I'm stuck on you all over again
          at least we never had a bad end.

You made my heart stop
          with your secret thoughts.

I'm writing about you again
          how sad will this end?
I wish we could rewind
But we don't have that kind of time
Our future is on the line
too many parts of me crave you.
every little piece of me.
the neurons jumping back and forth
my brown eyes only seek your blues
my heart wants your hearts torch
my skin would like to touch yours
my fingers caressing you gently
my lips only try to find yours
my toes mingle at the foot of my bed
seeking out your warmth
my head would like to find that crook in your shoulder
my words linger in the air waiting for you to hear
you’re the only one who has me this near
#ex
this music’s sound is unlike anything
i’ve ever heard.
it makes my soul smooth,
it makes my heart cringe
yet it doesn’t over do it
with the sounds they let you hear.


the sound of someone falling,
falling farther from that cloud
that cloud that was their love,
filled with glitter and soft whispers


the song makes break ups beautiful
something you’d like to not fear
it makes you want to work out
your plans of i do and not
end up shivering from the dry heaves
your tears made you feel
Trembling hands
Hands all over you
Your skin I know so well
So well like our love
Deep and endless

Endless is what we thought
Thoughts are turning into reality
The reality of you
And me
Working through my disease

My disease we worked through four years
Why not make it forty more
Forty more ounces
Until I forget my mistakes

My mistakes landed me here
Here in my bed alone
Alone
Alone at night
When I coulda shoulda stayed

I should have stayed in the house
The house you bought for us
For our woulda been family
Family means our furbaby
Family is ohana

You never left me
I never wanted to leave.
I just always thought it was better
You without me.
107
107
I would like to take you in my arms
make your demons disappear
however, dear, I do fear
I’m the one causing all your
incapacities, and insecurities
I would love to take that tear
and stitch it up
at the seams,
take the bottles that I broke over you
and glue them back together
….nothing would ever look better
than you and I put back together
108
108
You’re in my house
and I can’t let you out
every time you’re near the door
I slam it closed
and lock you in your room
I keep you safe
away from everyone
-everyone that’s in there, too.
I keep them away from you.
I keep you safe,
safe and sound
I’ll keep you bound until I’m safe..
safe from this place
you call my mind.
you’re the only thing
that seems to coincide.
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109
We are a species unknown.
We are stuck between,
got lost in transition
from adolescence.
looking back I see
where it all went wrong
it was when I saw her
her in bra and a thong
you weren’t denying
you’d only been implying
this friend you said
is only a friend
it may not have been a lie
it was enough for me
to say bye.
It’s 2 PM
i’m still in no bra
This for me is luxury
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217
Scratches at the door
Laying on the floor
Awaiting her return
For she is what I now know

Lost in this space
With company of others
It's now my home
She is the only thing I know

The floorboards creak
I can hear the other dog squeak
All I really care about is when she'll return
To save me from this home I've earned.
221
221
I sat in silence
In a room full of sound
I watched the eyes of others
All of them passed me by
I was nothing to look at
I was too shy;
The girl in the corner
Didn't even want to be bothered.
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223
Caring and understanding
Both are feelings from the same zone
Only one leaves you alone
The other fills you with joy
Ones just a ****** ploy
225
225
The last time I was blamed by you.
The last time I cried a lot inside.
This time I was blamed by myself.
This time I screamed in my head.
Next time I'll see things weren't meant to be.
Next time - there won't be such a thing.
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226
And
here we go again
a taste of sweet
a lust for ***
a journey down
a path already walked
we know the ending
naked bodies
touch and caress
another one night stand
let's get off work,
let's catch a buzz.
it's not too serious,
don't fall in love.
i need an escape,
a permanent getaway
or so they say;
i just needed a lay.
but for some ****** up reason
i want you to stay.
and this is a collab
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227
I'm starting to forget your smile,
The way your lips would curl
Showing off your crooked teeth

I'm not holding memories
Of how your eyes lit up
Especially when I'd make you chuckle

I'm beginning to lose focus
On the way your hair felt
Intertwined in my fingers
Soft, tight curls becoming loose

I'm losing touch
With the place beside your hip bones,
The crook of your shoulder too

I'm forgetting you
I'm forgetting what it's like to love
There’s times when I wish I forgot
everything you said
and everything you did
the times when i end up like this
with other people seeing all the
hurt you did
- just as i was a kid -
Now, I’m 24, i’m in a psych ward
thinking this is all my fault
I should have been powerful enough
to make all these words and thoughts stop
I’m here and I don’t want to be
but there’s nowhere safer from you
      - and your destruction
I guess there’s no better way
to remove all the thoughts of betrayal
I wish you were just washed away
with the dirt on the your porch
but instead i’m still lingering
locked down with this burnt out torch.
305
305
Blistered thoughts,
Scabbed heart,
Rugged skin,
And empty eyes
These are things she hides behind.
308
308
let's melt together,
me and you.
we can be like that ice cream
the kind the little kids get
with sprinkles on top
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312
Let's hang out on a whim
There's nothing left to lose
We have everything to win
I can parouse you
As you look around me

Your trembling hands and ticklish feet,
My awkward body movement and shaky voice
They somehow mesh together to meet
Miraculously finding a special kind of poise
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313
The way you graze my neck
It's not something I would expect
From such soft hands of a man
I can no longer decipher this land
One filled with gentle, warm touches
You don't know it, you're pushing all of my buttons
The ones that haven't been explored in years
You genuinely seem like you care
The way you kissed my nose
Oh, that was exhilirating, you know
Even though we're in square one
I think you've already won.
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332
our bodies skin to skin
our arms and legs
limb to limb
our fingers intertwined
all of this just runs
through my mind
trying to think
why I’ve never felt
this kind of simplicity
when being body to body
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332
this casual relationship
is starting to turn
into a nervous churn
deep inside my skin
& getting to my stomach
I’m turning kind of nervous
only because I’m curious
to see what you think of me
and knowing your response
to “could we really be”
I don’t need to fail
knowing that you’d bail
upon me asking
to have this sober conversation
a year ago today
i was in the sky
i was on a flight
trying to say goodbye

it was on my birthday
when i was finding my way
out of this ****** city
into a bright new city

it was on the 7th floor
when i finally became torn
looking out below
trying to decide
if this was the closet
i’d ever feel to home
511
511
every time I hear this song
it makes me fear the long
thay I once had.
that I feel for now.
because this will never be the same
not when I say your name
and not when I hear their names
I want to go back
when things weren’t out of whack
when we lived okay
and things weren’t all messed up
when it was you and i.
and no one else. involved.
when it came to me and you.
I just want it back.
524
524
i still like you
i still adore your presence
its so calming
and i wish i wasn’t so ******
or so angsty
it all seems to come out wrong
it makes me feel ******
that you’re this good person
and i’m so stressed out
I will sing a melody
one that keeps you warm
I’ll sing a song so good
you’ll forget all the coulda
woulda shoulda beens.

the song will keep you high
you’ll be in the sky
I’ll be following right behind
I forgot what it was like -
this tragically beautiful flight.

you’ll sing back to me
knowing that this will always be
the safest place ;
being she and he
nothing else will ever be
I’m not sure
but sometimes
I’d rather be zoned,
just to feel like an ice cream cone
cold, down to the bone,
chill to the taste.
Ice cream isn’t a waste.
all of these issues
never started
until i turned adult

or that is just when
they became more apparent
that i can’t handle my own
        this all seems like my fault

all of these issues
never seem to disappear
not the crying
not the fight inside
not the fights outside

i don’t know if i’ll ever be ok
i just know i’m trying
and every single day
i wish i was back on the sixth floor

all of these issues
they never existed up there
they were gone
and i only had to worry about me
And here is this rabbit hole
light easy and free
nothing there’s a daul.
I would like to fall.

deep down taking the fall
everything is so calm
so calm and dark,
like the color of my shirt
nothing here hurts.
Always fine,
Maybe I'm blind
One drink too many
Captain was poured short
Always fine
Maybe I'm blind
Four pills
They shake it all down
Maybe I'm blind
Maybe I'm always fine.
anxiety creeping on
anxiety taking over
i'm the youngest in a room
filled with folks i don't know
three old blondes
one middle aged man
i don't belong
just like out there
so how am i supposed to learn
when my stomach is in this churn
like butter i want to be spreadable
anywhere, and in everything
butter is so much smoother than me
for once i'd like to be credible
maybe, one day, incredible.
Do you love her, friend?
With the way you hold her,
and flowers that you send.

Are you going to care for her?
make soup when she’s ill.
Are you sure, sir?

Can you swallow this pill,
as large as a horse or
be still in the sill?

Do you burn to the core,
friend, laying dormant
at night wishing for more?

Is this the wretched torment
wished upon me,
watching our lives ferment?

Poppies floating in hair,
golden flecks of red
It will never be me.


I’ve only thought of things you’ve said.
I digress, it’s she you have undressed.
We danced to a song
A song we both thought beautiful
Beautiful, like your eyes
Eyes that were blue
I gazed at them
As you spun me around casually
And we thought the neighbors might think
That we were crazy
Crazy we may be
Being with you, though
It's just as beautiful as that song
she sat alone
with coffee on her breath
looking at her phone
finding the hairs
that you left two nights ago
reminding her
life doesn't have to be so lonely
even after you are realizing
that your own best friend
is someone you no longer know
i stroll down the path i know, yet i
feel warmth crawl under my skin
you tap on my heart making sure it
breathes, sparks flutter through my veins.
on cue, it seems i fall to the floor. beneath
my fingertips, imprints find those
bones i want to call home.
so lips meet new lips, the sole way
i know how to convey. i
peel the shirt, the art off your
back appearing are the scars
my eyes knew were there. your new
skin sparkles like winter mornings
and the empty sky above isn’t enough to
let you let me tap on your heart, too.
you storm away and i am left
inside with my clothes still on
I made a new friend, you know.
She’s absolutely beautiful.
She is with porcelain skin,
with long dyed red locks.
She says she has been
through a few too many rocks.
She has a heart of gold.
just like slivers of her hair.
Not too many have cared,
even after her soul has bared.
I would like to be there, and
create a new friend here.
She deserves way more
than her past life’s gore.
Ferris wheels
Round and round
Rock away
The loud sounds
At the top
Where I sit
It all seems so calm
Nothing could matter a bit
you sit in a daze filtered with street lights
At eyes length and ears depth
You wonder how you got to be
The ******* the second floor balcony
Chainsmoking as if you heart would flatline,
Your blood stop flowing
Through your veins that
The tiniest bit of alcohol was seeping through
To the skin that only sometimes felt comfortable
If you stopped

Only comfortable
When someone else was admiring it
And the shadows that dance behind you
Are the shadows that you wished you were
In your eyes, when anyone says I love you
Clinging to it
Believing that at the end of the day
That they won't stay
Whirring sounds of cars pass by
Thoughts become softer, the world becomes louder
You're not quite sure what you adore more
The silencing of your being
Or the loudness of your heart
As every chore you do is reciprocated
In ways you prefer to love
And be loved.

And be loved.
To be loved, to be loved.
What a sight I imagine as my children grow
To see the life I sought
With homemade cookies
And scrambled eggs for dinner
With snapdragons and lillies blooming
As rain water collects by the play set
Outside in the plethora of greatness

To sit on a second floor balcony and consider
The life that brought you here
With too many cigarettes
And enough bad decisions to
Create the life you always dreamed
Wouldn't be your own
Stuck between what could be
And what is
I'm driving places I've never been
And I'm not talking of sins
I'm talking the chemicals in my brain
The ones that make me feel sane
I'm writing ****** poetry
Because i dont know how else to say
I didn't go to your funeral
On that warm july Saturday

I only knew you died
On a sunday when i was at work on a tuesday

All i can think about are chips
You always made sure i had chips

I didn't go to your funeral.
I didn't take a shot of titos.
I didn't drink a bud ice or miller lite.
I didn't smoke a newport smooth.
I didn't get that tattoo you were gunna draw
I didn't play a game of pool.
I didn't tag public property.
I didn't teach the elderly.
I didn't save a friend.
I didn't play ukelele.
I didn't draw.

I only asked for chips.
I am a chrysalis who only
wants protection and
to be protected, because as I
sit slowly unwinding my energy is
down, slowly propelling to the ground
and i shatter as i meet the pavement
hearing nothing but crickets, not even
your voices pretending to quiet my
mind’s racing thoughts

I am still on the sidewalk, they
don’t even look at me, the
want to walk right past,
to crush me under their soles,
leaving fragments as evidence.
anyone, anyone don’t leave me
behind
In all the crooked corners of my mind,
Cobwebs and dust mites are all I find.
There's no longer a sense of reality,
I can only see a ton of duality.
My stories now have dust mites,
Whose bindings have layers that are contrite.
So where is it that I should seek,
A tale that is not so bleek?
I've got concerns
Ranging from head to toe
But mostly they're about you
I'm not quite sure
But your selfishness
Hasn't worn off on me
It hasn't even affected
How I really think of you
I've got concerns
That are no longer mine
You'll be just fine
And I'm making my own way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I still turned out okay
I've just got one last concern
That involves things deeper
Than the indent on this paper
So it doesn't really matter to you
You still won't understand
That's no longer your concern
I'll be just fine
I'm still making my way
Just like I had been
The whole four years prior
I am turning out okay
I have a hard time
letting go of your past
even knowing that I’m not
responsible for your kind
I still can’t get that statement to unwind
when you told me,
“it was because I didn’t have you.”
I should have been through
that time with you.
you’ve taken our faith,
you let it go to waste.
just so you could act like a person
but you were just thirsty
for that thing crystal.
I fall back down and I
wanna stay here underground to
steal all the seeds that
your hand holds in front of me
soul to soul daisies will grow
and shoot above the ground
hide behind the grass, only
you can see the flowers
in between my ears, my oh
my these roots are like
treasure hidden inside my
chest sprouting to heal old wounds
you are a very handsome man
with a lovely set of eyes
you know exactly when
to touch my thighs

and yet the way you stand
so humble and secure
you’re something, that’s for sure
you’re a very kind man.

any lady would be luck to have
any girl i know would be jealous
of this thing i have for
this thing between us

you’re a lovely person, sir
i sincerely hope you know that
i don’t want to hurt you
& i’ve begun to open up to you

i’m glad i have because you’ve
thrown no red or yellow flags
in fact, you remained calm
& tried the best you can

I hope to keep this going sir, all
these happy thoughts and
perfect dollar cards about
cats and magic hats
& i can’t forget this kit kat.
its days like these
i wish i was another
another human being
with different struggles
the ones not in their head
affecting the way everything’s read

todays the day i want to be
inside another’s home
inside another head
just anywhere outside
outside of this place

the chaos of my mind
of my head
and of my life
i feel like i try
every single little thing
and every single time
i just end up lingering
somewhere out in space
out of place
even after everything
i’ve ******* tried.
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