Here I am again
On the verge of tears
Quiet
I tell myself
That way nobody will hear
I pace the floor
My family is sleeping
But my mind is awake
Abuzz with insecurities  
I tear myself apart
Somehow I find myself
Reaching for a blade
I haven’t done that in 4 days
I know it sounds crazy
But it was the longest I’d gone since March
I reset the clock
So now I wait
To be so broken again
All I can think of is destroying myself more

My body is a temple
Destroyed
Crumbling
Broken
Worshiping inner demons and external pleasures
The pursuit of glory through the forbidden fruit
A blood sacrifice is demanded
By a god at the altar
But there is nothing holy about this
The only heaven I will ever find
Is in beaded red lines
I confess my sins to thee
But there are no answers to my prayers
There is no one to answer to
Higher powers have forgotten me
I have forsaken me
And there is no grace in pain
No forgiveness in punishment
And no God to blame for my sins
As I kneel adorned with my own crown of thorns
Constructed from my own deceptions and faults
I wonder why the only person willing to die for my sins
Is me

The stars are out tonight
I gaze at them from my yard
My hair spread out on the grass
My mind races
Focused on how far away these glittering lights are
An entire universe is out there
But it was not made for me
I am small
But can a light still burn inside me?
Especially if I feel so dark?
I like to think we are all stars
And astronomers at the same time
Searching for our place in the galaxy
Will you be a star with me?
With you I no longer feel dimmed
Can you let me illuminate your world?
I’ve been pulled in by your gravity
There’s no way to leave your orbit now
Even if I wanted to

some people you can’t say no to
they beg to see the parts of you
the parts that you had hidden away
and you give in
show them you are not who they thought
and then they are gone
because
all the people you can’t say no to
know how say goodbye so much faster

I was raised believing in fairy tales
Those magic-filled nights
Where love was in the air
Beautiful gowns, and even more beautiful women wearing them

But my glass slipper has already been shattered
And the once sweet chorus of birds
Became the fears that flutter my mind

My dreams may have turned from flowers to thorns
And true love may never find me
Yet still I wish for happily ever after
Or maybe just happy.
Sometimes.

Your lips were so sweet
Because they spilled honey-drenched lies so easily
You told me you loved me
But you told everyone else, too

i find poetry in what is simple
and pain in what is not

I am fragile
A piece of glass under pressure
But do not mistake my pain for beauty
There is nothing beautiful about this
Flowers are beautiful
Sunsets are beautiful
Crying yourself to sleep is not
Cutting just to feel alive is not beautiful
Not wanting to feel alive is not beautiful
Throwing up pills because you changed your mind is not beautiful either
I am withering away
Losing to the demons in my mind
In a world devoid of sunshine
Or flowers
And don’t you dare romanticize this
I don’t want this promoted
I want this defeated
And I will never recover when I am told
The only beautiful thing about me
Is the disease that is killing me

If Fate were ever to be kind,
If Hope could ever stay alive.
If You would please stay in my life,
Maybe I’d find my peace of mind.

if you haven’t already.

i want to be the rain
the rain that falls for miles
and lands on your gentle face
for just a split second

i want to be the sky
the sky that is always there
forming a soft, blue blanket
to keep you safe

i want to be the moon
the moon that watches over the night
and soaks up all of your lonely thoughts
with my subtle light

i want to be the sun
the sun that reminds you that each tomorrow
may not be a guarantee
but at least i am

I set myself on fire
But I couldn’t take the heat
Yet there’s no water around me
So here I am
Burning
I can’t call for help
For the fire’s convinced me that this is normal
And this is what I deserve
People used to burn witches
So I must be wicked
Because fire can burn other people
And how dare I hurt anyone
Besides myself

if i'm not falling i'm flying
if i'm not changing i'm dying

why can i only exist at extremes
instead of living in between?

I’m sorry for all I do to you
Cut
Scratch
Burn
I rip you apart the way I do in my mind
I am insecure about you
I hate you
All I see in the mirror
Is the ways you fail me
The ways I am flawed
They say your body is a temple
But you must be ruins
And I am the earthquake that made you this way

The ocean is the most powerful force on earth
It is calm yet furious
Fierce yet gentle
It can separate nations
But provides a path between them
But behind this power
The ocean is lonely
Isolated
Abandoned
It is rare for people to love an ocean
Because an ocean is dangerous
Capable of the worst kind of destruction
It lures you in
Waves call to you
The ocean seems authentic
But underneath its facade lies another truth
A current boiling
Stirring
Crying
Pushing people away as soon as they are pulled in
It knows of its power
It know of its danger
Yet still cannot grasp
Its beauty

I said I wanted to be left alone
Which makes me a liar
You knew that though
You know that loneliness follows me wherever I go
But you didn’t protest
Which I guess proves my point

I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself again
Which makes me a liar
You must have known that though
I’m not to be trusted with anything sharp
But nothing cuts worse than the words from your mouth
Stinging me hours, days, and months later

I told you was doing okay
Which makes me a liar
But why wouldn’t I lie
When it’s easier for both of us this way
You get to live your fantasy where everything is fine
And I don’t have to be more of a burden
Because I even weigh myself down

I pretended I didn’t need you
Which makes a liar
But after all this time
How could I reach out to you
After I’ve lied all my life
Subtle manipulation to make you think I’m not broken
But I am broken
I think this is all on me
Yet sometimes I wonder how you can’t see the cracks in my facade

I am a liar, but you must be too

The first time I wanted to **** myself was 6th grade
Wandering the school corridors
I thought to myself
“What’s even the point?”
I was scared of my mind ever since
Thoughts of suicide consume me now
Like vultures
I am their prey
But though I am meek
I am not helpless
I am fighting a battle
A war I am ready to die for
Even though I don’t know what I’m dying for
Except
Despite the fact that I do not know what lies ahead
I know it must be something
So I must keep fighting
Until I find my future

Don’t take up space
Don’t be too loud
Don’t let them know how scared you are
Don’t let them know how fake you are
You didn’t earn this
You don’t deserve this
Keep yourself away from them
Like the monster you are
You’re getting the hang of this
Staying hidden
Keeping your emotions hidden
You’ve learnt how to numb everything
So they don’t get a glimpse of the real you
The you that you keep locked away
Until you are finally alone
The you that claws at you like a beast
Because you are a beast
Why else would you live in this prison?

I lie awake
When I think of you,
Because the sun cannot compare
To the light you bring to me.
And the ocean cannot surround me
As deeply as your love.
Not even the heavens can sing praises
Worthy of your name.
For you to have chosen me!
It takes my breath away every.
Single.
Time.

Reflective glass can torment souls
Deception is a lonely road
I walk this path without free will
And watch my face as tears spill
3 am, the house is sleeping
Yet here I am; awake and weeping
I count the hours till I’m not alone
But my future is still unknown
I no longer want to be trapped
But an escape is unmapped

Their voices were sweet
Calming
Steady
I went to them
In a trance like state
Willing to do whatever they asked
And when I became lonely
Through no one’s fault but my own
They were there to comfort me
When nobody else was
Singing me lullabies
Then they demanded payment
Sacrifice in blood
After all they did for me
I realized too late it was manipulation
By my very own mind
I’ve lived with them for so long
I feel guilt when I am not hopeless
I don’t deserve to be happy
Though I couldn’t tell you why
Though I couldn’t tell myself why
How can I trust anyone to tell me the truth about me
If I can’t even believe my own thoughts
My thoughts are suffocating
Bitter
Excruciating
Unstable
I must face my demons alone
After all
What choice do I have

Everyone has secrets
Nobody can truly be an open book
But you turned through my pages
And started to read
Then handed me your story
Unfinished like mine
So let’s write them together
I trust you to be there till the ending
Promise we’ll make it there

The world is a cruel and unforgiving god
I exist to turn back to ashes and dust

They say the universe is in my veins
If so, the universe drips down my wrists

The stars from my eyes have long vanished
If ever they were such a thing

Small and insignificant as I navigate life
Afraid of all I say and do

All of this makes it plain to see
That this world has no purpose for me

life is safe under your arms
the poison can no longer reach me
and fill me up with utter nonsense
now i bubble to the surface
with light
and love

The first day of summer was two days ago
The air was hot and the pool water was cool
Yet as I heard my friends scream gleefully
I was locked in the bathroom
Crying and alone
I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that I slice it open
My ***** secret
My guilty pleasure
And it was supposed to remain a secret
Each scar a tally mark for times loneliness chokes me
Each line drawn methodically
My forearms are a canvas for self destruction
I broke down again last night
Voices in my head screaming
Urges I cannot control
Until I see red dripping out of my skin
My pain manifests itself in these moments
I cannot take it for much longer

Good luck staying afloat
I understand it’s hard
But I believe that you are worth it
So here, take my hand
It's okay if you make me cry
It just means I'm worried about you
I’m glad I get to worry about you
I know that everything hurts
But it will all wind up fine
We can get through this together

Today I went to a party
I was looking forward to seeing you there
But you weren’t there
I wish you knew how much I miss you
How much I want to be with you
How much I love you
But I don’t think I can put into words
What you mean to me
No matter how hard I try

Today was going to be a good day
I promised myself this when I woke up
I thought maybe fake optimism and forced smiles will be enough this time
And I tried to hold my head high
But things fall apart
I felt the walls closing in on me
I searched for a window but there were none Water must have filled my lungs
Because I couldn’t breathe
And another promise was broken
A promise I made myself so
At least it wasn’t anyone that matters
People say there’s always tomorrow
But that’s hard to believe because
I don’t even see past tonight
Today was so long it felt like an eternity
Maybe it was an eternity
But an eternity spent alone is not one I want
Maybe that’s why my demons are so hard to fight off
Sometimes they pretend to care
Even though they don’t care
People don’t care
I don’t care
Actually I do care
A lot
It hurts that people don’t notice me
But it’s my fault for becoming invisible
Today was going to be a good day
Look how that turned out

You
With tongue of fire
And heart of ice
Expect me to cherish you
With the passion of an ocean
But water can be so full of fury
A current bubbles up inside of me
No longer will I bow to your will
You
Who dare to discredit me
Striking at my insecurities
Knocking me down again and again
Still expecting me to get up and crawl back to you
I will not put up with
You
For much longer

To be a young girl
drawn in by Death
Her innocence still radiant
And flowers bloom where she walks
Yet she yearns for something
More careful
Than the chaos of spring
Enchanted by cold and called by Winter
She trades her blossoms for
Quiet
Unaware that her flowers now bring only tears

My body is crying
and
my soul feels like dying

I am trying
To see the bright side
But that's hard
Because although I am happy now
I am terrified
That I never will be again

I opened my treasure-chest heart to you
And you robbed me of myself
Then sailed away on the black tar sea

I searched and searched
For you appeared like magic
And disappeared just as fast

But eyes see not what the soul desires
And flesh and blood cannot withstand the longing alone
I shudder to think what will become of me

How could you turn me into a storm
Then leave before you could see the destruction?

Once
You asked what you meant to me
I said you were color
You bring beauty into my dark world
Showing me that everything has a purpose
A point
And a meaning
Then I asked
What I meant to you
You said I was color, too

I am many things
Tired
Numb
Sad
Lonely
But most importantly
I am me
And that's all I ever have to be

Forgive me
Then forget me
I wanted be your idol
Your muse
Your anything
But I am cardinal sin
I choke out anything that once was pure
Corrupting those who are left in my wake
I thought you could be different
Your heavenly ecstasy infiltrated my senses
Oh, how I worship you
But oh, how you leave me
You would think by now I would have learned
My prayers will never be answered
For sinners like me do not deserve a heaven on earth

And I just want you to tell me,
did I waste more time loving you?
Or missing you?

If tears were currency
Then baby, I’d be a millionare
And I’d have spent my fortune on you

I can feel my heart turn to rot inside me
I used to be so full of love
So full of life

But now I spend my days alone
And it is nobody's fault
Except for my own

I can't believe I fell for you so hard
God, why am I so stupid?
I knew that you and I could never be

It would be easier to make a quiet exit from the world
And I wonder
Do you even care?

you love it, don’t you?
to be powerful and adored
to have people fighting for even a sliver of your attention
oh how i long to be free from your orbit
but being around you feels less like love
and more like a relapse

I desperately need today to end
But I fear what tomorrow has in store
I wish more than anything
Everything would stop
Maybe then I could clear my mind
Figure my time-bomb life out
I’m running out of options
Out of space
Out of time
Suspended in terror for what my life may become
Already weighed down by the past
Trapped in this life that I never asked for
Wondering
What’s the use
If all I’ll ever amount to
Is petrified

chaos strikes by night
inevitably i'll fall apart
but tip-toe the subject
and pretend that i'm fine

if i want help i should ask for it
but i still wonder
do people not notice my pain?
or do they simply not care?

You could never stop drowning me
With your eternal lies
But oh! Your eternal eyes!
Pierced my shallow heart.
You told me that you loved me,
the most permanent of all scars.

People tell me life moves on
But everything is in
s
  l
    o
       w
m
  o
    t
      i
        o
          n
Time barely moves
I'm stuck standing still

People tell me I'm overreacting
But everything feels
s
  o
h
  e
    a
      v
        y
I barely move
I'm stuck carrying it all

People tell me to choose my mood
But everying is so
o
  u
      t
o
  f
c
  o
    n
       t
         r
           o
             l
Everyone stays still
And I'm stuck
I'll never move on

People’s eyes tell stories
I didn’t know that until I met you
One glance and I knew
You and I were exactly alike
Sometimes
People say they feel empty
And their eyes betray them
I think
They think their eyes are empty too
But they are full
Of pain
Longing
Sadness
I saw all three in you
I could spend hours just searching your eyes
I am only content when I am by your side
So please
Let me read your story