you don't want me?
you don't have to have me
and i can leave
as quickly as i arrived
you're so sure you own me
and i am at your beck and call
with no life of my own -
don't fool yourself
you are not my world
and if you can't see me
nor appreciate me
and pull me around
as your little trophy prize -
i'm great at disappearing
just watch me
i don't even need to say good bye

she told me,
that nothing feels real
i asked her,
what she meant
she replied,
because it doesn't feel like
you are actually lying
by my side

you don't love me
you're just lonely

you said, jump
i asked how high?
however much will help you
to fall asleep at night
and by that i meant
i want you to plummet to your death
you're not jumping into the sky
you're falling in love face first
with concrete

you were always so great
at telling me to go die
i asked you how high
because i needed to know
how far must i go
for you to get the **** out of my life

i carry and keep
so many quiet words
within the deepest confines
of my unrelenting soul
and at times they may find
their way up to my heart
as i begin to feel
forced to speak
they may even make it as far
as reaching my lips
as you're holding my hands
and tears glisten
there is so much i want to say
the quiet words are my strongest words
yet i cannot seem to find
a solace within anyone
who can push them up
to my mouth
i'm a beggar on the street
begging for my heart to speak

i am sinking low
suffocating drowning
fast declining
poor health
in the head
and there is not much
that i can do about it
i wish
that this was a physical aliment
so that i could fix
myself, so much more easily
but i cannot see
the disease
but i feel it
******* hell do i feel it
within every last
single
membrane
of my war weary brain
it is so tired of fighting
as am i
as am i

here, i hope you don't mind
all of the blood dripping at your feet
i clawed my heart out for you
just so you could see
that you own it and it is yours
and everything that is me

i'm doing you a favor
don't be sad, don't even pretend
you and i both know that you are not
you're in love with the idea
of not feeling lonely
you may hold me but you don't feel me
and you may kiss me but you don't taste me
and you may say
all of these nice things
when the clouds become too grey
but you and i both know
that you don't like storms
and i can't always be sunshine
try as i might
and believe me, i tried
i tried to be
a picture painted golden
perfectly, and so elegantly
but there's dirt underneath my fingernails
which you ignore
you think that you can clean me
you want to make me so pure

so don't be sad, don't even pretend
you knew as well as i did
that this was a charade
and it had to end
i confronted the dark curtains
hanging low over us
you looked right past
i was the courageous one
i was the one that stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
i was the one that knew we were both just lonely

but i still know all of your favorite bands
i still know which songs make your chest hurt
i still know everything that makes you sad and what you want to do to destroy it
i know how strong you can be because you showed me
i know how strong you are because you were strong for me
and now i am supposed to be strong on my own
standing on my own two feet, when there used to be four
and i still know the places you go, the people you turn to when you feel alone
when i used to be such a person and now in your eyes i barely exist
like a stranger you gave all your secrets to and vulnerabilities
like a stranger who still knows you today
like a stranger who does not breathe today
like a temporary lover that once held you as a crutch, and me for you
like a stranger who isn't a stranger, but who you want me to be
you are no stranger to me

remember when we ran home in the pouring rain together but we didn't care?
because we were happy
we arrived home sopping wet but laughing
and took our clothes off to dry and anything that could be bad in that moment didn't exist
it was the fact we had nothing but we had each other
and we were happy
we were happy

there's a blank white canvas
because today i decided there needed to be
there's empty space
where i choose
which colors i want
and which ones i don't want
and i am the only one
who controls all of the brush strokes
i can paint you in,
or i can paint you out
i need to create
somewhere nice for myself
take me somewhere nice
where i have decided to be
take me to this place
where i chose my own happy ending

i think it's weird now how we spent the summer entirely in love
how good things felt, how they were
how much happiness sprung, as the sun
and the problems we tried to ignore but they eventually overtook us
now things feel so cold with no hope, soon like the snow
but i would still find your freezing hand and hold it with mine to give us warmth once more

hello
there you go
right through me
again
i am a ghost
you pretend
you nod and say
okay
today was a good day
let's go to bed
and play more pretend

hello
oh, you're dead?
since when?
your hands
they are always cold
i didn't notice
you're my corpse
i love to control

hello
i said sleep
you said rest
i didn't know
what you meant
until i spoke
later that week
as your body
was lowered
deep into the ground
with the worms
and ***** earth

hello
i can't say good bye
because i never
even met you

if neither of us believe
in all of the things which create "love"
then how can we ever
love the other?

sometimes
i don't know
how i really feel
so i go along with
how i believe
i should feel
and i don't think
that it really helps
but how would i know?
i'm swimming dead in my brain cells

said i'm a stranger
a ****** up stranger
you no longer know how to love
nor want to anymore
when i used to be your world
but i created catastrophe after catastrophe
which gave you an excuse
to act like i was no longer human
no longer, your human

the patterns i traced along your back
the warmth i found within your hair
the security i felt within your hands
the laughter i stole from your smiles
the dreams i searched inside of your eyes
and all of the words i clutched closely to my chest

i simply love you -
what more can suffice?

it's the words that are not said
that truly hurt the most
the words you want, you need
to hear
yet won't fall from poison lips
give me silence
and i already know the rest

wanted you to see
your detrimental effects
wanted you to experience
the ways in which you were hurting me
wanted you to say, 'i'm sorry'
and mean it
wanted you to see
everything
that destroyed me

i get so choked up still
on all of these things
which no longer matter
maybe it's because
i wish that they still mattered
and didn't have to be tainted
with these aching
screeching
screaming
blood curdling
wanting
needing
fleeting
desires

today i discovered that the rates for suicide are higher than those for homicides. people want to **** themselves more than they desire to **** another. there are homicidal maniacs running amok - hellbent on ending another human life. while the number of individuals who are hellbent on ending the only life they possess, excels.
death is everywhere, and unending. and inevitable. yet preventable.
i paused and felt heavy inside of my heart, the millions of lives that were taken on their own free will.

he chose alcohol and told me to go home
he slammed my body and told me to go home with my broken bones
he threw me out onto the mat and told me to go home
his eyes were bloodshot red and he had saliva dripping from his lips
yet he told me to go home as i begged and pleaded at the door
love was not strong enough when it is faced with a drug
he went to bed with his drug and told me to go home

wherever you are, you aren't here
where you may be, i can't count on disappearing
because i need to start new, and go to you
are you waiting for me
as i am waiting for you?

i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading ****** sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound

'i love you'
i sent
but it's gone and done
gone for good

weren't we
eternity?
or was that
just me
imagining?
are you in your bed
missing me?
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
forgotten
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)

this wasn't supposed to be
the end
a fact i can't accept
my life
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head

and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me

the leaves are beginning to fall,
just as we are

you don't get to tell me that you love me and pick and choose which parts you want to love, and then simply leave me when you come across a part that you don't want

my mind is rapid,
too rapid
because you keep running around me in circles
over and over and over

my chest
is a balloon
filled with empty air
that is waiting
and waiting
to eventually burst
and i fear
the aftermath
of how much
i am feeling nothing
yet everything
all at once

i wrote until my fingers bled
and even then,
things still didn't make sense

we have closed conversations and then forget everything that we said
words we hide and store away, in the back of our heads
that none of this never, ever happened
but we know the truth behind these masks
and the desire to feel that it was entirely real, even if it was only that moment

she was the only thing that made sense to me on the days where i drank myself to no end
she was always so patience with her hands, ready to catch me whenever i stumbled in this drunken stupor
i know that it was hard for her to watch me **** myself with each sip i brought to my lips
yet she must know that i tried, i tried with all of my might to make everything right
so when she finally left, absolutely nothing made sense
and i cursed my empty bottles because that's all they ever became once i ****** all of the poison from them
empty, shame, left with no blame on anyone else but myself
she said i didn't try hard enough
and i broke all of the bottles as i sat within the remnants of glass
nothing
nothing
made sense

i cannot change your heart that i love
and i cannot change your hands that hold me only when i am worthy
i cannot shape and form you and change you, to love me
no, i cannot change anything at all
and it was never of my own fault
i merely tried too hard
all along i was worthy
of a love
much warmer
than yours

you said that i clung too much and that i was making you drown
but how could you blame me? you kept throwing yourself at me
as if you were a life saver sent out to sea to save me
i was falling in and out of life around the time that you came by
you didn't save me, no, you aren't an ethereal being - you are just like me
you are just like me
human, merely being
here
where things tend to stray and life falls apart and comes undone
so i'm sorry that i clung
my love was too strong
but it was more than just love
it was everything and more
and you pushed me back out into the sea
but it's all right -
i never expected you to save me

i am a concave of pain
circling, and never ending
connecting to be whole
yet i never seem to escape
this emptiness in which i am caged

i saw a girl who was hurting
he saw a girl who was crazy

it's funny,
when we met
i told you that i don't judge
that i don't label
because it never is my place to
because people
need to make
those judgments themselves

it's funny,
the night i found myself
screaming at you
that you are an alcoholic
and all of my pretty words became ugly
but that was the only solace i could find
for the ways you beat me down
with your poison liquid
and i knew, i knew
how true it was
how it always was

it may have been so crass of me
but i decided that no one who is not you
wasn't worth my time
i have no time for others to spend
you are my only one until the end

i need to sleep this sadness away
like a bad drug that i can't escape when i'm awake
hoping that the effects will wear off and i can forget
but i can never forget

and when you said goodbye
it felt like the entire world had died

you ask me not to leave
you say, please
but what are you
expecting from me?
i reply
it's tempting
if only you would change
the way that you treat me

i see your self improvement in waves and then eventually the waves come crashing back down, deeper into dark recesses, never rising above the surface again for long
and i am so afraid that you will remain there, forever lost

so here i find myself, sitting alone at the bar again
when i should have gone home, into your arms, into your bed

why is it
whenever i
love someone
i lose myself
entirely in them
no room left
for love
for myself
i become too consumed
on loving them
so who is going to
love me?

and had it been up to me,
we would have been an eternity

i saw you but it didn't matter
just another stranger
i made brief eye contact with
your eyes were different though
because they are yours
and they are eyes that i used to adore
they were the same
i guess some things never change

i saw you but it didn't matter
because i saw your eyes
but you didn't see mine

we felt like a dream that i am never going to forget

you were ever rarely a good love
a bad love
an abusive love
a love that was never love
my first love

i've been up since five last night
drinking in suicide
all of these empty cans lying by my bed side
and it is 6:47 in the morning
i watched the sun rise up with agony
it's the mark of a new day
where i am still here
i didn't open that bottle of pills
it's sitting on the counter, feeling forgotten
i dialed your number on my phone
it's still sitting there on the screen, jumping at me
the big green call button staring at me
it's seven
the daylight is unfriendly towards me
i'll close my eyes again until five tonight
repeating this same old feeling

god, how much i miss my life

happiness is so fleeting
i wish you weren't so quick on your feet to get away from me

sometimes writing about it just makes the emotions even worse.