did you notice the new tattoo that i got?
i know it's been quite some time since we've been apart
are you gonna ask me if it hurt?
are you gonna ask me what it meant?
i know you want to forget the day that you left
but i couldn't
so here's the new mark that i got
branded into my skin
so i could never forget
what you and i had been

i thought that you may come by
to see if i'm all right
i disappeared without a trace
or were you too busy to notice?
this night is far too dark
and it's echoing loneliness too loudly
i thought that you may stop by
to see if i'm all right
but since you haven't asked,
here's my unheard reply,
no, i am not all right

anything
that we do
now
no longer
matters
if it isn't
with each other

what right do i have to want to die, when people around me who are younger than me die all of the time? what right do i have to throw away the experiences i have had, and yet to have, when some seventeen year old will never have that chance?

what right do i have to want to die, when people are dying before their time?

i can feel it
as if i was a flower, too stuck beneath the earth, tied down by my roots that refused to grow
too scared to grow, too scared to bloom
i can feel it
i'm pulling away from my roots finally and raising above the earth
into this foreign light and sunshine, no longer finding comfort in the cold dark
i'm blooming, growing, away from you becoming the beauty i could have always been, yet you were holding me back, i remained stuck and unwell, no water, no sunlight
i'm leaving my roots behind, my petals are vibrant and bright
and i am no longer scared to keep growing away from you, far far away
you showered me with dirt and worms
i found my strength to break free and grow into what you didn't want me to be

i feel as if happiness should come easier than this
so light, and welcoming
not so tiring, and trying
like having to train myself to accept the good thoughts
it shouldn't be this hard
i shouldn't have to swallow pills
to make all of the violence in my head stop
happiness is a choice they say, well -
it has never felt like one to me
it's a chore, a task, one i am uncertain i will ever complete
it is so fleeting

people don't care
about people
like me
and once you realize
then you won't care either
about me

so here's to our new hearts
here's to our new start
here's to saying goodbye
to our ugly past which caused our wreck
here's to our new and purer love
here's to us -
because it always
must be
us

"oh, just shoot me in the head,"
her voice was laced with weariness and defeat,
"it would feel like the same thing, the way you're treating me."

where'd you go?
i saved you a place
in case you decide to come home
i left the door unlocked
and saved your place in the bed
so where did you go?
it's becoming too cold
and i'm running out of excuses to stay awake
to hear the door **** turn
and you're here
where you belong

we didn't have a honeymoon phase
you did
i didn't

breathe deep
knee-high kick me
rattle my bones
swell my skin
let blood drip
bury me into concrete
to see if i can still feel
to see if i am still alive
destroy me
beat me
let's see
let's see ....
is there a heart still beating?

i taught you
that it is okay to treat me badly
because i always
accepted and accepted it
hoping it wouldn't happen again
but that was just showing you
that you can do it
again and again
until there was nothing left of me
and i hated
hated
myself
for teaching you to treat me
like i was nothing

being
a good person
when you don't want to be
good
is easier
than being mean
even though
your blood is
boiling

everything is different and strange
but i can't force change on you
and i can't make you love me
just like you used to

the air was stale with cigarette smoke
there was beer on your breath, like always it is
i gave myself away to embrace you as tight as i could
told you,
that not once these last few days did the thought ever cross my mind that i did not love you

it is three thirty in the morning as i walk and write this
still straying thoughts only to you
wherever you are at this minute
and i wish that i could be there, a part of those minutes

i exist
or did you forget?

if it's any consolation,
i won't ask to see you again
if it makes you happier,
i'll pretend you don't exist
but you should know,
that i am never going to forget

if people were love notes
none of us would be lonely anymore
if people bled passion
we would laugh at heartache

and i'm tearing out my insides to give you space
you've made me so empty but it's all okay
because you simply being happy is all that really mattered to me
and you wanted me gone, i couldn't play the part you wanted me to play
i failed as i seem to do with everything
you're in a better place now, away from what was once me
we said our sullen goodbyes and you turned without looking back once
your back was so bright, and full of light
i gravitated all of the dark towards myself
and it didn't matter, because i loved you more than i have ever loved myself
and if you're happy now, then don't ever look back
i will still be standing there
decaying, rotting flesh
i am no longer beautiful and you are so wonderful
so don't let me taint you, again
you paved life, and you deserve to remain there
while i wither
i wither and die

because there was no one else
and i can't even help myself

all of those lonely times where i crept down to the couch to sleep,
though you were lying in bed next to me
yet you weren't actually there
and i couldn't sleep
next to a body that no longer wanted me

sometimes i hate being a poet, because i write about everyone but no one writes about me. i am the one spilling my heart out with ink; suffering, quietly, crying, and aching. why does my mind feel the need to empty itself and write? my words don't always heal this ache, they just make my chest bleed even more. why can't i be an empty person, who can let go and doesn't let their fingers fly with passion and remorse and spite? sometimes i hate being a writer, because all of these cries feel futile, they just keep reminding me that no one is listening to me.

i made myself hate you
so that i could forget you
i made myself hate you
so that i could stop loving you
i made myself hate you
because i knew all along
that there was more bad than good
i made myself hate you
to save me, to save my sanity
to put myself first and foremost
i made myself hate you
so that i could begin to love me

the type of love where i catch you staring at me. longingly. admiringly. the type of love i can feel, not only hear.

the type of love where i look over at you. my eyes become fixated. locked. my heart becomes warm. full. the type of love where i look at you. and i love you. i simply. i love you.

you meet my glance. with no words. you love me back. you love me back. you don’t even need to say.

i wish i hadn't talked
i wish i hadn't said anything
i should have bit my tongue
and kept my silence
i didn't want things to get this violent
nothing good comes when i let words escape my mouth
i wish i hadn't said a word
i wish i knew how to drown without spitting up water

i'm having a break down in your bed
soaking up the sheets wet
with tears that burn at each and every lying word you spoke
you said you'd be here, well - then why am i alone?
i called you on your phone
you asked, why are you crying? quit sniffling, quit being sad!
(if it was that easy - believe me)
i couldn't tell you that i needed you
that lately my dark thoughts are becoming too strong
you asked me why i want to talk to you all of the time
and there was such irritation and anger laced within your voice
i choked back even more and whispered, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
ended the call that i knew you wouldn't return

i'm having a break down in your bed
wishing that i was dead
if you could please save me, before then?
but you have already left
and it is so selfish of me to ask
and i feel that it would be beautiful
to be needed like that
but i have never been needed,
i am always the needy
and i can keep saying sorry
but that doesn't change this urging feeling
that i need, i need - somebody

you slipped your heart into my pocket and told me to keep it
you told me as long as i have it, you don't need it
i kept it as safe as i could, though i am sorry for the days where i forgot that i had it
you asked for it back one day, as hard as it was to comply
it was already in pieces so i kept one sliver in my pocket, for you and i
so that i could never forget again

later, i will go home
and i will not exist anymore
just as you wanted me to be
i am mute and i won't have eyes anymore to see
to see you
and how we were
and what we wanted, what you used to want
i don't except you to come and find me
you've made it all so clear
that i don't exist anymore
no, i do not exist anymore

i knew that i was in love when it broke my heart to see you hurt
i knew that i was in love when it killed me inside to watch you waste away your life
i know that i am in love with you,
because love still remains
despite all of your bad parts

you didn't fall in love with me
you fell in love with me because i happened to be the only one there

i loved you
because you loved me
but that isn't even
all of it
you were so special to me
you were, you were
i'm not sure why
but you were

i like how we try to depict pain into something beautiful as if we can try to convince ourselves that it isn’t as aching as it seems, when really it is all just so unbearable and a dark mess, i don’t much find anything beautiful about lying on the couch at 2am wanting to sleep but being unable to because you can’t quit crying and you try writing with trembling fingers about this pain so hopefully it makes more sense, but it just makes you realize how much more agonizing it really is, i am not sure if it actually helps to mend anything by beautifying it.

and just like that
i knew that i was never going to see you again

what do you do
when the person you love
chooses alcohol
over you?

absentmindedly
smoking cigarettes
drawing the smoke
so deeply into my lungs
i don't want to think
i cannot think
i

i wish that people understood my writing like i try to understand their hearts.

sick of feeling low
sick of not being good enough
sick of bleeding
sick of writing about this

just using losing you because i (don't) want to

i don't want to leave
but you're giving me no choice

don't pay too much close attention
to the rhymes and the flow
write from your heart
let it spill out
relentlessly
that is the most pure
of our words
raw emotion
who needs writing devices?

i don't feel like writing anymore, i'm so tired of transforming sadness into words

I don't like feeling "better"
I don't know what to do
Or who to feel who I am
Or feel about anything
Or anyone
I think I
Miss my sadness

it's going around and around in my head
and it won't stop
i am so exhausted by all these words
i am so sick of writing, my one true love
i want okay things
i want calmer words filled with more serenity
forget this overreacting bitter agony
i want beautiful poetry
my pain is making it impossible
i am so tired of just whining
why can't i....?

i love everyone who is bad for me
and i know it, but i don't pull away
i suppose i'm a ******* for this never ending cycle of self-destruction
i cannot fathom kindness

at the very least
i wish that we could have remained as friends
because i've always told you
and i always meant it
that you are the type of person
i would want in my life
regardless of the position

You gave a lot of meaning to me. I can’t ever forget that.

lately i have been drunk on love
and oh my god
i never want you to become the alcohol which eventually wears off
keep me intoxicated, from here and always
keep me so drunk that i learn to become happy

my skin is paper thin*

he smiled and said,
"well i would love to set it alight, watch you burn, watch you fight"

because i didn't want to leave her by herself
maybe it's because i felt sorry for her
it was sad, in a sweet and distant way
her always looking so out of place among the crowd
a face you cannot read, but i can see she's ready to break
tight lips and perfect makeup adorning her eyes to hide ...
hide ...
i guess i wanted to show her that she didn't need to hide from me
like the leaves falling at our feet,
i wanted to catch her before she breaks