i have this bad case of emotional abuse
honestly, all it does for me is serve to amuse
because have you ever let something so stupid happen?
all you can do is laugh at yourself for allowing it
i am the one hurting myself -
you you you
you've given me a bad case of emotional abuse
(and i let you)

i saw a girl who was hurting
he saw a girl who was crazy

you don't want me?
you don't have to have me
and i can leave
as quickly as i arrived
you're so sure you own me
and i am at your beck and call
with no life of my own -
don't fool yourself
you are not my world
and if you can't see me
nor appreciate me
and pull me around
as your little trophy prize -
i'm great at disappearing
just watch me
i don't even need to say good bye

being
a good person
when you don't want to be
good
is easier
than being mean
even though
your blood is
boiling

wishing
for you and us
is probably
the stupidest thing
that i have ever done

this is me giving up
this is me surrendering
this is me saying i was never your worth
this is me finally leaving
to give you what you want
this is me in defeat
this is me saying that you were right all along
that i was the **** of the earth
and i had you always looking for so much more

you don't get to tell me that you love me and pick and choose which parts you want to love, and then simply leave me when you come across a part that you don't want

i wrote poetry
he partied
i would overthink
he would oversleep
too lost within the oblivion
of trying to numb away
life
while i was here
thinking about "life" too much
writing about it too much
i enjoyed wine
on a quiet Tuesday evening
he enjoyed liquor
on a wild Friday night

surely
truly
love does attract
"opposites"
i loved him
and he loved me
but he didn't want to live
life
and i
wanted to write about it

we're sitting
in a ***** garage
blasting music
with lyrics
that i am so appalled by
this is his life
this is
it isn't mine

i am
the quiet
Tuesday afternoon girl
who writes her words
to figure out
life
while he is trying
to forget about his
on a Friday night

these lifestyles
we tried to clash
for far too long
so sadly
too long

i left
with love still
beating inside of my heart
because you could never
love me
the way you love
your Friday nights
like you couldn't love
my Tuesday evenings

love is so
crafty
and deceiving
it brought us to meet
we both understood
that life is sad
yet only i
could see its beauty

and our lifestyles
were too different
to sustain the life
for one another

keep ******* with my mind
i hope it rots you out from the inside
that is, if you have any shred of humanity left inside of that box you live in
keep playing the selfless and innocent roadside victim
your clean and pure palms are so deceiving when you hold out your hands
only i can see the dirt which lies underneath your fingernails
choking, and seething, lying
and you thought you could be my puppet master as my blood drips down the strings
i ruined the play that you tried to create
so wash your hands, and start all over again with a new and false pretty face

because there was no one else
and i can't even help myself

i wish i hadn't talked
i wish i hadn't said anything
i should have bit my tongue
and kept my silence
i didn't want things to get this violent
nothing good comes when i let words escape my mouth
i wish i hadn't said a word
i wish i knew how to drown without spitting up water

because it was your skin and the scent upon it
and the warmth i felt as i embraced your back
and the way my head seemed to fit
perfectly underneath your chin and upon your chest
and feeling you tightly grasp
the back of my head
as you hungered for more than a kiss
the way i think "security" must feel
but you brought me home that night a couple hours later
i'm not getting attached, i promised to myself i know just what this is
i don't think i can play around like this
because i am too emotional and you are too emotionless
and we don't fit
it was just our bodies, the way they moved and pressed
i just can't help but wish i wish it could be more than that

i taught you
that it is okay to treat me badly
because i always
accepted and accepted it
hoping it wouldn't happen again
but that was just showing you
that you can do it
again and again
until there was nothing left of me
and i hated
hated
myself
for teaching you to treat me
like i was nothing

my head hurts
in a way
that ******* gross aspirin cannot fix
i can still taste the overdose
in the back of my throat
the pits of my
aching stomach
trying to expel
its chalky white substance
my head hurts
i'm too traumatized by
"pills"
fix me, ******* magically fix me
please

my chest
is a balloon
filled with empty air
that is waiting
and waiting
to eventually burst
and i fear
the aftermath
of how much
i am feeling nothing
yet everything
all at once

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
but i can't tell you that
because i know that you do not feel the same  
you do not miss my skin as your blanket
as i do yours
nor my chest as your pillow
yet you are my favorite pillow
i miss when i can't see your face the moment that i awake
it always gives me the best start to my day
i know that you will awake and start your day just the same
with or without my bleary eyes and sleepy face

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
because of all these tiny things
but i can't tell you that, no ...
i can't

i think you traumatized me black and blue
black and blue
black and blue
all of the bruises
they are free from my skin
but not from my head
you traumatized me
black and blue
black and blue

if it's any consolation,
i won't ask to see you again
if it makes you happier,
i'll pretend you don't exist
but you should know,
that i am never going to forget

she was the only thing that made sense to me on the days where i drank myself to no end
she was always so patience with her hands, ready to catch me whenever i stumbled in this drunken stupor
i know that it was hard for her to watch me **** myself with each sip i brought to my lips
yet she must know that i tried, i tried with all of my might to make everything right
so when she finally left, absolutely nothing made sense
and i cursed my empty bottles because that's all they ever became once i ****** all of the poison from them
empty, shame, left with no blame on anyone else but myself
she said i didn't try hard enough
and i broke all of the bottles as i sat within the remnants of glass
nothing
nothing
made sense

i am drained
so drained
so very drained
i cannot seem to find
solace
within a single thing
i am so drained
just let me lay
don't speak
your words have done
enough already

the best part starts
when i left you that note
not trying to push on any blame
not trying to say that you never meant anything
but i began to fall apart
and looking into the mirror began to do me no good
the longer i was with you,
the more i lost myself
and it wasn't your fault
that i became too consumed with you
and again, it wasn't your fault
that i lost myself within you
if you can love someone too much
then i loved you too much
maybe there wasn't any "healthy" way to love you
so i have to love you now from afar
for my sake and yours
but mostly for mine
because i miss myself
and all of the pieces i lost trying to love you too much
i couldn't keep dying
just trying to even hold your hand

so the best part starts
when i left you that note
and i went down to the river, alone
for hours, just by myself
finding myself
burying you
and it was lonely, hell it was
but i loved too hard
now i'll do it from afar

you wonder why your fist bleeds
as i stand across from you with ****** teeth
and your only concern
is why your knuckles feel so raw
as my teeth fall at your feet, shattering
i am the one who was hurt
left to the pain, fed to the wolves
and yet you are the one crying
for your damaged skin
wondering, wondering, oh -
how dare you hurt me like this!

i'm not afraid of you falling out of love with me and forgetting about me
i'm afraid of you finding someone who can make you happier than i ever did
and i will just become bad memories
not even a good memory
i'm afraid of you learning to hate me
through all of the bad stuff we went through
and she can make you forget
oh she made you completely forget

i wrote you
notebooks full
you never read
a single word
i'm not writing
about you
anymore

******* hell
i loved you like heaven
i was the devil
and i adored you as god

the good nights
used to be tinged
with kisses
and a soft caress
against my back
sending shivers
down throughout my spine
but now you say good night
with silence and
unmoving touches
i'm not too sure
how i became so dull
and unlovable
and cast away
to the colder side
of this bed
it's 5am,
i'm wide awake
this ache kept me awake
as you slept
your arms were in the wrong place
they were supposed to be here, here
holding me and keeping
the slumber less thoughts away

i have never felt so terrible
i have never been an option
it's either me, or a bottle
and you choose the bottle
every time
every single time
your addiction does not love you
not like i do
yet you cannot see
you never listen
you are drowning, lost and gone
i can't help holding on
i can't keep hurting myself
along the razor edges of your broken bottles
as broken as you are
so i only wish, for you to take of yourself
i cannot keep watching you **** yourself

the air was stale with cigarette smoke
there was beer on your breath, like always it is
i gave myself away to embrace you as tight as i could
told you,
that not once these last few days did the thought ever cross my mind that i did not love you

it is three thirty in the morning as i walk and write this
still straying thoughts only to you
wherever you are at this minute
and i wish that i could be there, a part of those minutes

he was out there finding someone new already
i was here finding myself
learning to live with myself
filling in the void that you left behind
that no one but myself can replace
maybe i wasn't good enough
but that was a reflection of yourself, not me
(this i am still learning)

he has someone new in his bed tonight
while i was there one week ago with him
i may be alone now, night after night
but at least i am brave enough to find myself
and i don't need another hand to hold, to fill your void
like you had to fill mine that i left behind

and it's just
i don't mean to push everyone away
i just never seem to have the right words to say
(i really, really don't want anyone to leave,
you all mean so, so, ******* much to me -)
because i wish everyone would stay
as much as i want them to
but it never seems to work out that way
and i'm not entirely sure why
things become as they are
and why nothing seems to ever grow
but i'm so scared
so ******* scared
of being alone
so please, i beg, stay
stay and stay and stay
sometimes i am this way
and i don't mean to push you all away
so someone, even just one, please
stay

it's that stupid small smile you give
when i am in pain
that makes me want to rip off your face

i enjoy being a loner
when i need my silence
but not when i am walking in the streets
snow crunching beneath my feet
and look around, see an empty town
void of any faces, a lack of any hello
that i begin to realize
i don't always enjoy being alone
sometimes i yearn for a hand to hold
i enjoy being a loner
i don't want to die a loner

did you notice the new tattoo that i got?
i know it's been quite some time since we've been apart
are you gonna ask me if it hurt?
are you gonna ask me what it meant?
i know you want to forget the day that you left
but i couldn't
so here's the new mark that i got
branded into my skin
so i could never forget
what you and i had been

i turned off my phone
with no intention
of ever turning it back on
i laid in my bed, wrapped cold alone
pretended that i was dead
maybe i can trick my head
into believing this fantasy
and come sun up, sun down, my eyes closed still
into the next day and the next
night after night
how long will it take
for someone to realize
i've been dead inside of my coffin
for days and days?

i am really sad
i feel disconnected from everything
i feel disconnected from everyone
i feel no inspiration to go on
i feel no delight in these things i once loved
i feel like an empty shell
i feel homeless
i feel i have no place safe to rest my head
i feel so far away from reality
i feel dead in my bed

i feel really sad

said i'm a stranger
a ****** up stranger
you no longer know how to love
nor want to anymore
when i used to be your world
but i created catastrophe after catastrophe
which gave you an excuse
to act like i was no longer human
no longer, your human

i need to sleep this sadness away
like a bad drug that i can't escape when i'm awake
hoping that the effects will wear off and i can forget
but i can never forget

all of those lonely times where i crept down to the couch to sleep,
though you were lying in bed next to me
yet you weren't actually there
and i couldn't sleep
next to a body that no longer wanted me

violet violence
i find it sort of sad
that this was all we ever had
even now, after the fall
you are still violent in my thoughts

the realization
that i only exist
whenever you're bored
and want someone in your bed
use me however you need
turn aside, fall asleep
wake up in the morning
as i lay on the other side of the bed
curled up into a ball,
pathetic and alone
and do it all over again
this circle
of pleasure and
shut down affections
i can't ever make you see
that i am more than just a body
i don't even think
that i am
it isn't sad
it's

you didn't fall in love with me
you fell in love with me because i happened to be the only one there

i was alone before you found me
and i can be alone again when you leave
(i don't need anything from you)

everything is different and strange
but i can't force change on you
and i can't make you love me
just like you used to

i like you more when you are sober
yeah, you're so much better
i like you more when you are you
that's the one i love and choose

why is it
whenever i
love someone
i lose myself
entirely in them
no room left
for love
for myself
i become too consumed
on loving them
so who is going to
love me?

Yes, I know
She's prettier than me
Yes, I know
She's cuter than me
Yes, I know
She's stunning
Flawless intelligence
Yes, I know
You no longer love me

i am a concave of pain
circling, and never ending
connecting to be whole
yet i never seem to escape
this emptiness in which i am caged

because i've been throwing up flowers for you
and you've only destroyed them with weeds
and so i know if i change the color of the leaves
that you will make them brittle and dead,
i wish you didn't have
a spot in my head

the walls whisper loneliness
the bed begs for closeness
every night
you were here with me
every night
i kissed you sweetly
but slowly
you were disappearing
i kept trying to make myself known
that i was here still
but i can't make a ghost see me
unless they want to on their own
i close and lock the door
i whisper,
"please come home"
but we don't live here anymore
it's me, again
always finding myself at this familiar end
pangs of nostalgia and
your ghost
won't even haunt me
won't even say hello
anymore

we laid in bed and i had scars on my wrist
you looked at them with such disdain, rubbing your fingers over this exhausted skin
i told you then why i got this tattoo
because i told myself that i was done with doing this
you didn't say anything
i didn't say anything
because both of us knew, that commitment was never true