it's been a while :)
I'm here to announce the publication of my poetry collection, "no strings attached"
available for purchase on amazon
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his secrets
are like ocean foam
rising to the surface
and she tries to breathe
as if it's air

her worries
are like the ocean floor
sinking further down
and he wont touch them
however deep he goes

his secrets
are like ocean foam
hushing with the waves
drowning out the noise
that rings in her ears

juvenile analogies
an attempt to make it clearer
my reflection in the water
is why i cant look in the mirror

his secrets
are like ocean foam
bubbles on the shore
and he tries to keep them
white like lies

her worries
are like the ocean floor
pressure gets to her head
he could swim forever
wouldn't make a dent

overwritten concepts
fears i shouldn't say
bury my head in the sand
until it goes away

i want the storm to dissolve me
i want to melt into a puddle on the broken concrete
i want ripples to fall on my surface
i want to tremble when cars drive by
people to step in me without a care
children to splash
and dogs to drink
i want to be a puddle on a winter afternoon
i want the raindrops to expand me
until i trickle down the sidewalk
through that cracks in the pavement
and down the curb
i want to fall onto the street
and let the wind push me far, far away

You know you’re broken
When your own reflection
Won’t even look you in the eyes

You once had a blossoming rosebush.
Lush with periwinkle peonies, baby blue baby's-breath, crimson carnations.
You plucked a flower for me, a rose so beautifully breathtaking which you compared to my own flawed features in the most poetic prose.
I graciously accepted your gorgeous gift, careful that my fingers wouldn't graze the thorns which adorned the deep green stem.
I held it close, embracing your token of affection with a pounding heart full of humbly hesitant adoration.
But I picked apart the pieces, I skeptically played with the pretty petals. I analyzed their cajoling strokes of coaxing color until the flower wilted warily.
And when I asked you for another, your face flushed and your truth trembled.
You led me to your rosebush, which was now an utterly dull disappointment.
For I saw then that you had wasted away all of the flowers on girls just like me, destroying the beauty which had once flourished in that tempting rosebush, and now you had no more love to give me.

Here I sit upon this cream white carpet
Salt streams down my face like a river, gently trickling over my freckled cheeks
Copper drips from my arm onto my hands, falling into the cracks of my palms
My eyes are burning but my skin is cold
My mind is racing but my heart is still
My posture weakens but I don’t let my head fall
Instead my gaze flickers to the ground
The floor a jarring hue
That lovely white carpet now streaked with crimson
What a mess I’ve made...

Scarlet roses
Adorn the plainness of my grave
To hide my bed below
Where I sleep at last

Scarlet roses
Turn to black
Dying, just as I have

Colors of the ocean marbled with fire
Blending like paint, like waves, like flames
Delicately adorned with glistening dewdrops
Clouds of white and grey crying softly
A dome of peace, life, humanity
A cage shielding us from the world which lies beyond
Undiscovered
Unlikely
Unknown

A disappointment to my parents
A bother to my brothers
A nuisance to my peers
A burden to my friends
A name to my school
A face to my loves
An enemy to myself
A stranger to the rest of the world
For if I slipped away, at any moment
Hardly anyone would know the difference
The planet wouldn’t notice me gone
The ground wouldn’t miss my steps
The sky wouldn’t grieve my gaze
The blanket wouldn’t mourn my tears
Not even I
Would wish for me to return

Lately I thought
The more I forced
A tug on my lips,
A glint in my eyes,
A light in my face
Like the flicker of flames
As they dance in the fire,
The easier it would be,
The more natural it would feel,
And maybe even some day
My mind would recall
How it felt to smile
And I would be able to
Do it for real.

Society is finally falling apart at the seams, fighting and rioting and more violent scenes.
People are speaking but nothing is changing, there's still so much chaos but no one is waking, the problems we're facing aren't near to erasing, yet there's fleeting, retreating, the passion is fading.
There is pious bias, harm to hide us, a strive to be righteous, pleas for quiet.
Pressure to conform to the norm and perform in good form amidst thunderstorms and swarms of people you're supposed to trust to judge you.
Because I guess they're the ones above you.
They don't love you or trust you or even speak up for you, they are the ones you believe.
They are society.
The root of propriety, the cause of anxiety, the eyes who watch silently, observing the sights to see, shaming variety, faking priority, escaping notoriety.
Replacing humility and civility with hostility and words that are sickening.
Is it worse to idolize normality or demonize insanity, for both are a tragedy.
I guess a cake's not as good without all the frosting and you can't be a leader without being called bossy so might as well put on a show for the souls who see what you do, your every move, the choices you choose.
The cause may be lost, at what cost?
You've carved out your flaws from your heart.
Pause.
Don't change who you were from the start.
Don't conform to the norm 'cause you're fine on your own and society's lies will soon catch up to greet you, faceless faces running to meet you.
Exhale.
You're still there.
It's not fair now but I swear further down, things will work out.
We always put the blame on society with dubiety but it's clear to see that's rightfully so.
But what people forget is the cycle that's set is all in our heads, and will stay that way til we mend our mistakes and eventually learn how to bend it.

Sometimes I think about
All of the words
That never escaped my lips

Where are they now?

Are they waiting restlessly to be spoken?
For the sweet release from the darkness of my mind.

Or have they long since decomposed?
To be forgotten, until only whispers remain.

Dear people I love,
I'm sorry I let out my stress on you.
(Because often it's the people you're closest to who get hurt the most when you're angry at everything but them.)
I'm sorry you have to deal with my uptight, stress-case, mess of a personality.
(Because some things bring out the worst side in you, a side you wish nobody had to see. A side hidden beneath smiles and laughs and true happiness. The side that's all your fault.)
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
(One sorry for the people you didn't mean to hurt.)
(One sorry for the air which absorbed your negative energy.)
(One sorry for your palms which have been dug into far too many times.)
(One sorry for your eyes which have cried too many frustrated tears.)
(And one last sorry for you. I'm sorry you have to feel this way, that you think it's all your fault.)
(But that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do to change it.)
-I. Quill

It hurts to remember
That I am alone
My hand reaches to feel your touch
But I’m met with nothing
Emptiness replaced you
Despite you never being here
Your eyes remind me you’re not mine
Nor will you ever be

Your heart may be hidden
But I hope one day I’ll find it
Your mind may be muffled
But I believe one day I’ll clear it
Your soul may be lost
But I dream one day
You and I
Can search for ours together
For I am lost too
I wish to find myself

And maybe
Just maybe
I wish our souls could intertwine
If only you could learn
To love me
As much as I love you

My life has been a downward spiral
The path is full of disdain and misery
The motion makes me sick
The darkness makes me sicker
And I’m afraid I’m on my way to my own destruction

The slicing sting of the blade as it strokes my skin
Is not pain
But relief
From the raw bleeding within.

The draining drips of crimson as it drowns the floor
Is not unsettling
But reassuring
Compared the truest stomachache of all.
Living

I've been avoiding you for some time now
Not wanting to confront the twisted emotions tangled in my head
Not wanting my gaze to meet the confliction tugging at my heart
My body is a storm right now
And all I wished for was some peace
But shutting myself behind locked doors, waiting for the thunder to die down, hasn't seemed to help
I still hear the rain pounding on my windows
I still shiver as wind slips through the crack of my door
I still shake as my shelter sways uneasily
I guess I'm afraid to drown
If that makes sense
Waves are cascading from the sky
With a force that would surely knock me to the ground
I would be breathless and helpless
Alone and weak
The storm would drown out my cries
And the storm would eventually drown
me