now I am 19 and
it's nothing special as what happens when you turn 18

I am still terrified of the future.

from the way you look at me
like dreams can come true
I know you fell immediately
just as I did for you.

the feeling of
l o v e
spreading like a
venom through my veins
my hands are trembling
my body shaking
my head is dizzy

and in the end of the day
I only can think of
                                       you
you      
                    you
                                        ­           you
you
                                 you
        you
                                           you.

do we fear the love
we think we don't deserve?

I see you looking at me
in a broken mirror and
I promise to hold your hand
dry your tears
and I will make for you a
soft universe.

I ain't afraid no more
of the darkness
and the sadness
the 4AM thoughts
I got used to loving deep
with receiving nothing in return
I accept the rain
the sunless days
It isn't going well
but I ain't afraid no more
of the monsters in my head.

there's a lot of notebooks
full with words I still need to write.

decide between stepping back
or jumping
to fall from
heights that used to scare me
because I'm not afraid anymore
to fall down and reach
the bottom
of
my soul

but it's easier
to just
fall asleep.

Do you know that voice, always yelling at you? That voice from inside your head? The voice yells the worst insults.
Try to fight it, but you'll never win, because the voice knows all of your weaknesses. It's made by your worst enemy, you can never defeat.
Yourself.
Try to ignore, but the voice is sneaky, and will come at the most unexpected moments. It will break through the silence. To break you.
Try to escape, but the voice will always follow you, wherever you go. And it will never stop, until you break under the pressure.
Try to stay strong, but the voice keeps yelling until you start to believe.
The voice is done when all the lies become truths. Then the scariest part begins, when the voice stops yelling and starts whispering:

"You aren't good enough."

Do you hear that voice too?

Don’t belong here
I try to escape
in the words
and hide from
the world.

It’s where we smoked our cigarettes
because we were already living for way too long
but we never jumped of the roof

we only let the smoke
burn our lungs from inside out
and wanted death to come closer slowly.

fall in love
fall apart
fall asleep
- and repeat

oh darling,
undress me
I want to feel
my lips against your lips
skin against skin
hands wandering on your
damped body
touching you
careful and slowly
kiss me passionately
  
                 & love me deep.

I want
the water
to boil me
to cook me alive
peel off all my layers

and reveal what I’ve been trying to hide.

I'm risking so much
by touching
you.
But when our
lips meet
I don't fear
death anymore.

closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer
closer closer closer closer

we love
as hard as we
fall apart
on our worst days

I wrote a poem
about you
again.
You wouldn't leave my head
and when it was 4am
laying awake
i was drowning in the feeling of
love.
Just as all the love songs
suddenly made sense,
suddenly all the words I wrote
where about you.
I promise this will be
The last words I'll write
about you.
Goodbye.

the half finished bottle of wine, the smell of your cigarettes in my hair, the sleeping couch

stepped on
was the flower,
little did she know
she could grow back
and maybe become even more
graceful than she already was.

and then she showed love
to the body
I've been hating
for so many years.