I slept with my door open
Footsteps down the hall;
Left, right, creak, pause
The insides of my eyelids become an abyss
Left, right, left, right (faster…)
Left, right, left, right (faster!)
Left, right, left, right (FASTER!)
Left, right; It reaches my door frame
The weight vanishes ‒‒ I open my eyes
Silence.
Like there always has been.

I face my open door
The heaviness returns ‒‒ my eyes close
Creak, right, left, right, pause
The void covering my eyes arrives
An outline pierces through my sight
Left, right…
It sits on the edge of my bed
“It’s very nice to be invited in,
People… remarkably quick to lock me out”
A pointed nail drags against my arm
“People…”
The outline against the abyss reveals a set of claws
“Extraordinarily soft people,”
The weight is broken through
I look around the darkness
Silence.
Like there always has been.

I try to sleep with the door open
The heaviness is aggressive this time
It’s outline sits, looming over me
“I have not been in many rooms,
Yours is the most stimulating.”
It envelopes my vision
I feel a warm breath on my ear
“I have always wondered…
If the human is still alive when I bite it
Will it scream?”
I feel a set of razor sharp teeth settle onto my neck
I struggle to break through the weight
My eyes open
Silence.
Like there always has been.

Who sleeps with their door open?
The force closing my eyes swallows me
The creature’s outline flops
against the black backdrop
It’s thorny teeth the only visible ****** feature
“Before I go, I must request something”
It shifts closer to me in bed
A whisper speaks,
“Look me in the eye.”
The weight wrestles me
I win by stubbornness
When I look around my room, I see
Silence.
Like there always has been.

I tried sleeping with my door open
The heaviness hits me like a wave
slamming against rocks
Along with its teeth,
The outline attained eyes
Bulging through a skull,
littered with cracks
“Thank you,”
Its blade-like teeth spread
“It’s good to know I’m welcome here.”

When I awake, I hear
Silence.
Like there always has been.
I look towards my door…
It’s closed,
Which is odd,
because I’m certain I fell asleep with it open.

Open your eyes
“...”
Look at me
and tell me what I have become.
I cannot see for myself
My reflection melts mirrors
and turns puddles into vapor
I glare into the abyss
Hoping to catch a glimpse of my own pupils
I don’t know what I look like
Tell me,
How will my eyes look
when our stares meet for the first time?
“Empty”
Yes, I tore out the soul
Behind the doors of flesh covering my eye sockets
I have scraped my nails against bone
As my fingers pressed into my eyes
and carved out the consciousness that possessed me

Open your eyes
“...”
I need to know how my skin pulsates
What undulating form has it taken today?
Can you hear it?
Gurgling restlessly
My shape refuses to remain consistent
Tell me,
What will my body look like
when you lay eyes on me?
“Damaged”
Yes, I am wounded
The color crimson oozes from my pores
It sticks to my flesh possessively
I collect chunks of the liquid on my skin
As I imagine it decorates me nicely

Open your eyes
“...”
I need you to describe my limbs
For I always feel that I am reaching
for something I cannot obtain
My fingers squirm
into tight crevices and holes they are unwelcome in
Like curious, thoughtless insects
Unaware of the consequences for prying
Tell me,
What will my limbs appear as
when you set sight on me?
“Demented”
Yes, I have fought against conformity
by twisting my bones out of line
Listen. Hear each splintering cracks
defining how I am different

Open your eyes
“...”
You have to answer what my expression looks like
I can never seem to sync my face with my emotions
It’s tricky to coordinate such complex ideas
Tell me,
What will my expression be
when you finally gaze upon me?
“Grinning”
Yes, I’m afraid I can’t change that
I carved my smile with a butcher’s knife
from ear to ear
So I wouldn’t have to fake it anymore

Now open your eyes
“...”
Tell me what I have become
Shackle me to my image
Let me stare back at someone
who sees me for the first time.
Look at me.

Time runs faster
When it’s running out
Numbers sprinting towards the end
Only to be faced
With a brick wall
There’s no finish line ahead

There’s no winning
No participation trophy
Just the inevitability of death
Time speeding up still
Pronounced by the chimes
Of the clock your head

Will you make your life’s conclusion
As worthwhile as it’s intro?
Memento mori,
Hurry, my friend
Your time will soon reach zero.

I can speak in silence
If you can hear in grey and blue
The mountain slopes we met on
Flattened by your point of view
You sawed-off both my wings
But I, a chicken, anever flew
As if planting us in gravel
Would soften the way we grew.

How apt that we were as in sync
As a sonnet that is rhymeless
We had a lack of chemistry
Boiled down into a science
And I knew you had intentions
To countdown for what was timeless
Because you hear in grey and blue
As well as I can speak in silence.

When you have someone asking you
If you feel suicidal
Eight times a day
You start to feel like maybe you should be
Otherwise…
They would have let you go by now

You blink.
And notice
There are no clocks on the walls
Making you painfully aware
That the ticking sound is just in your head
Trying to cope
Without the security of time

They tell you you have to feel better
Before you can go home
But you have to be home
In order to feel better
You know that.
But you start to wonder
If they’ll ever figure it out

It occurs to you
That this group of strangers
Are now in control of your life
They could lock the door for months
Isolate you from all you know
And tell you it’s for your own safety

You are stuck.

The lights in the hallway flicker
Like the programmed beginning
Of a horror movie
You blink.
And another set of lanyards and clipboards
Are standing in front of you
Asking if you feel like hurting yourself
Or someone else today

No.

It’s getting harder to tell the truth
And the other patients;
Vociferously desperate around you
Are the most intense form of peer pressure

Seconds feel like hours
And days like years
You blink.
And the frustration of keeping your sanity
Drips from your eyes
Your own tears used as evidence
For the lie they want you to admit

Your eyelids droop
Heavy with the exhaustion
Of keeping a sound mind

Either way
You know it’s only a matter of time
Before you blink again.

Master’s toy
Wants to be played with
Oh, please, come play with me
I am yours
And only yours
I think that you’d agree

Pick me up
By my puppet strings
And watch me dance around your bed
Pick me up
And amuse yourself
I want a place inside your head

Master! Master!
Come visit me
Inside my little dollhouse
I simply long
To be your plaything
You’re the cat, I’ll be the mouse

Master! Master!
I get lonely
When I’m not held within your clutch
As your doll
All I have
Is constant longing for your touch

There’s one purpose
I am trained for
And that’s for you to enjoy
Forever conditioned
Forever enslaved
To be Master’s little toy.

The walls were closing in on me
Where the floor was rising
And the ceiling was sinking
Determined to suppress me to dust
A Chinese puzzle box
That’s more of a trap
Than a puzzle
For me to waste my time
Fiddling with the padlock
When there is no code
Discovering the key
When there is no hole
Turning the ****
When there is no door
An unsolvable problem
That I kept on trying to solve
Until my room was a box
And my box was a prison
And my prison was my life
Determined to suppress me to dust.

The petals of a shadow
Sharp against the fingertips
A monopoly of acid
Dripping from a pair of lips

The duel wings of a shadow
Whistling through the ashes
Poison oozing from the pores
A tyranny of rashes

The heartbeat of a shadow
Lurks in the vacancy of noise
Creeping over the moonlight
Through a psychological void

The night roots of a shadow
Like tools of a mercenary
Inching up walls of the sky
Too palpable to bury

The mindset of a shadow
A lock of thorns splintering
A storm brewed with tears
Shards ripping through a bloodstream

The silhouette of darkness
The petals of a black rose
An epidemic of ail
Now swallowed by the shadows.

Call me a monster
And I’ll be wicked
Call me a fool
And I’ll be stupid

Call me a freak
And I’ll live in the shadows
Call me a streaker
And I’ll lose all my clothes

Call me a beggar
And I’ll be down on my knees
Call me bedridden
And I’ll be diseased

Call me abusive
And I’ll punch black and blue
Call me a *****
And I’ll be ready to *****

Call me a tyrant
And I’ll take over mankind
Call me a thief
And I’ll rob you blind

Call me psychotic
And I’ll be deranged
Call me a danger
And I’ll be restrained

Call me replaceable
And I’ll get lost
Call me a cheapskate
And I won’t pay the cost

Call me a housewife
And I’ll cook dinner
Call me suicidal
And I’ll pull the trigger

Call me a cutter
And I’ll slit my wrist
Call me a no one
And I’ll cease to exist

Call me a black girl
And I’ll fit that design
But call me a ******?!
No.
    You just crossed the line.

“Mommy! Mommy! I'm crying!”
Jumping in the rocking chair
“Baby, sit down, stop your whining.”
Tearing a stranger’s underwear

“Mommy! Mommy! I feel sick!”
Sharp words spoken through *****
“Sweetie, would you stop your joking?”
A freshly rolled joint made for smoking

“Mommy! Mommy! I can't breathe!”
Hysteria from the panic
“Dearest, just take some pills, please.”
On the drugs from the attic

“Mommy! Mommy! My chest hurts!”
Rapid pounding through the shirt
“Honey, shut up, drink your bottle.”
Alcohol straight from the nozzle

“Mommy! Mommy! I'm choking!”
Falling into a seizure
“Darling, would you quit your moaning?”
A midnight *****, all too eager

“Mommy! Mommy! I'm bleeding!”
The sound of terrified weeping
“Sweetheart, all you need is some sleep.”
Gone too high on amphetamines

“Mommy! Mommy! I'm dying!”
Skin starting to change color
“Baby, lay down, stop your whining.”
Forgetting to be a mother.

Have you ever looked up at the sky
When it was raining
And wondered where the clouds stop?
Because you know
That somewhere across the world
It isn't raining.

So where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible that someone
Is standing right at the edge
Of dry warmth
Gazing out into the cold wetness?

Where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible that someone
Is standing right at the edge
Of where the water falls
Staring out at the daylight?

Where do the clouds stop?
Is it possible to stand
Right at the divide
One hand being hit by raindrops
The other being hit by sun rays?

Where do the clouds stop?

Have you ever looked up at the sky
When it was raining
And wondered when the clouds will stop?
Because you know
That sometime in your future
It won't be raining.

I want to find
The person
I was made
To be with

Not just
The person
I was made
To **love

Poison only tastes like poison
After you swallow it
Too unfortunate
To admit
You've been murdered
Before you're dead
You know it's only a matter of time
Before you're coughing up red

This is your nightshade
Your parasite
Your venom
Your kryptonite
You know the harder you fight
The harder back - the poison will bite
Don’t slow down
Do take a breath
It’s the last time you'll breathe
Before your death
Or refer to it as “eternal rest”
To try and ease
The tightening in your chest

So panicked
So manic
Feeling entirely frantic
Uncertainty
With urgency
But you were poisoned purposely
And you know without a doubt
Who set out
To knock you out

You'll look across the room
You'll feel it in your veins
Your eyes will lock with hers
You'll overflow with pain
It burns you from the inside
Nowhere to hide
She's filled with pride

Cuz she knows
She's the one who murdered you
And she also knows
That you know it too
The reason was clear
Why she put the poison in your throat
And when she kissed you
She knew there was no antidote

She leaned in close
So you'd hear the words that she said
And from what she whispered
She was pronouncing you dead

Suddenly it occurs to you
That with the venom on her lips
She will die too
Cuz love only feels like love
When you're falling into it
And poison only tastes like poison
After you've swallowed it.

Last night
A dream flew to me
It sat on my shoulder
Right where I could see
Content with where I stood
It rested there peacefully
It sang a bittersweet melody
A beautiful lullaby
That I wanted only for me
This dream - for once -
Was within my reach
-
So I reached for it
But as soon as my fingertips
Touched it's wings
It flew away
High
Up into the sky
I just had to chase it
But humans can't fly
Doesn’t mean I wasn't going to try
-
I climbed up a tree
And took a leap of faith
But evidently
My dream was still too far away
Of course - I ended up falling back down
With a broken leg
And shattered hope
This failure was far too profound
-
I'll just lay on the ground
Next to where my dead dreams are
The dreams that lay
In their own decay
The dreams that never flew
The dreams I never knew
The dreams I neglected to come back to
-
Maybe if I had taken care of these dreams
I could have brought them home
So that when they developed
They wouldn't fly away alone
We'd take off together
Like birds of a feather
Neither of us would end up forgotten
Like a voice with no sound
Neither of us would be lying so broken
On this cold
And ***** ground
-
Look up
At all the dreams I've chased
Circling me in the sky
I look up and ask why they left me
I wonder why I couldn't fly
Those are the dreams
I dream about
The ones in the air
That fill me with doubt
-
The truth is:
I could never catch them
For I'll always be too weak
The truth is:
The only dreams I could catch
Are the ones that sit at my feet
The dreams that are all lying dead
Are the only ones
Within my reach.

I was a rose
Turned black with decay
Until my petals fell to the dirt
And I stood naked
In front of your audience

I was a rose
Watered with vinegar
Fed with cyanide
Loved by your ego
And broken by your hands

I was a rose
Torn from the roots
Cut off at the stem
Dead before I was alive
And rotten before I was ripe

I was a rose
Stabbed by my own thorns
Bleeding from the inside
Draining my crimson color
Into your palms

I was your rose
Painted black by your lips
Brushed to dark perfection
My expiration date long passed
As you sniffed my last breath away.

I was your rose.

I’m becoming blurry
When I look at myself in the mirror
And I’m beginning to see
His face through mine
Instead of mine
Like my body is disappearing into His
Like if He wasn’t there
I’d be completely invisible

Now I can’t get rid of Him.

Or I just don’t want to
Because I don’t want to vanish
Into thin air
And be another ghost
Wandering the streets
I want to be seen
Even if His eyes
Are piercing through mine
Even if the world is clouded because of it

Every time I blink
My life seems to get a shade darker
Until everything is disfigured
From His pupils over mine
And anything bright
Seems out of place
Forcing my eyelids back shut
Until the dark returns

It’s funny
That after I’ve been with someone
For so long
I become more and more like them
With Him
It’s no different
I chose to let Him stay with me
And as a consequence
I’m fading into Him

It sounds cliche
That maybe I need Him to survive
Maybe I’d lose my identity without Him
Maybe I’d be nothing…
Maybe I’m too afraid
To let go
And find out

He’s given me a reason to live
And a need to die
But who am I to turn Him away?

I wonder
If I’ll ever truly be able
To see myself in the mirror again
Or if I’ll forever
Be looking through His eyes.

I should be saying
That I'm thankful
For every breath I take
But truthfully
I'm not.

Every time I inhale
It's a long draw
Of a cigarette bud
That isn't mine
Forcing me to wheeze
And cough up the venom
That scorches my lungs

I am cursed
With the longing
To breathe fresh air
And rid myself
Of what I've become so attached to
Just because it's not my nicotine
Doesn't mean I'm not addicted to it
Addicted to dying
Addicted to the thrill of wondering
If this will be
My last cough

Quitting isn't my choice
I'm not the one
Who lights up
With shaking fingers
Shielding a flame from the wind
I'm just the one
Who enjoys
The ashtray full of burnt consequences

I don't have the option
To become unattracted
To the white clouds
Floating around your lips
I was already convinced
That following you
Was as good as resting in the sky
Even if my rest
Was on pillows
Made of poison

I can't say I'm thankful
For the intoxicatingly
Toxic air
That you spoon fed me

But I sure am blissful

I'm not stupid enough to think
Thankfulness and blissfulness
Are the same thing
I am smart enough to know
That honestly
I'm no better than you
Even if I wanted to be

You never offered me
My own cigarette to smoke
But standing next to you
I'm as good as dead.

The Sun told me he was dying
And of course
I didn't believe him
…
Until the sky went black

I suppose it was in epiphany
That in that moment
The world had gone cold

Excitement in the eyes of the crazy
Panic in the heart of the insane
And Confusion in the mind of the dumb
Because the Sun had died

Melodramatic as ever
His death only lasted a minute and a half
And when he resurrected
The earth was warm again
Relief washing over him
Knowing that he hadn't abandoned
The ones who needed him most

It was seeing the Sun in that crescent shape
That caused me to realized
It was the Moon herself
That had stolen the spotlight
His spotlight

When it's just the two of us
Alone
(With all the other stars)
I ask her
“Why did you overshadow
The one you call your brother?”

From this
She looks down at me
A reflection of sadness
Buried deep within her craters
She sighs

And she tells me.

At least once
Every one hundred years
She wants people to look at her
In the daytime
And understand
That she might not bring heat and light
But she is part of our solar system too.

So now
I understand her
Because I listen to her
Because I see her
Because despite the thousands of miles
Separating us
Our hearts
Seem to beat
At the same time.

Hello! My name is:
Miss Understood*

Do you understand?
Ha! No!
I didn't think that you would!

Let me explain it
In easier terms
Who I really am
Without backwards words

The words on the page
Are often mispelled
But I'll make this one a riddle
And hope it ends well

A filthy secret
Sealed with a signature kiss
Locked in with ink
Or at least…
Something like this

From hands holding magic
To deep twisted lies
More dramatic reality
For a story
In a line

Chicken scratch codes
To decipher a thought
A colorful battle
Being constantly fought

Enough clues now!
Have you figured out who I am?
All the answers you need
Are in the palm of your hand

It's really quite simple
Cuz I made this one real good
And as I stated before
We are Miss Understood.