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Richard Yeans May 17
This is too much.

Surely, I did something
To deserve things as such.

A lazy, glassy-eyed ****.
You haven't kissed me open-mouth
In well over 15 months.

The good guy routine
Well, it isn't a routine...
But I artfully mask my anger with
******* at night
And in the mornings caffeine.

I imagine
That when you look at me
I'm less man than machine.

But knowing me,
I'll continue to flog myself
For these crimes I haven't committed.
And maybe one day the gavel will fall
And I'll finally be ever-acquitted.
Peculiar Apr 26
Thrice these emotions have appeared
In the space of three minuets

Twas' a jolly day
Until the trigger came

Three O' clock it was,
Thy facade dropped

Being consistently *** for three hours,
is too much to bear upon my damaged soul

Three tears dropped,
while the third insult made itself known in thy thoughts

However, being borderline,
three more emotions came up

hate, contempt, joy

disappointment, stress, shock

Then did the clock strike 15 Hours past 10
On time did my third mental breakdown appear
Richard Yeans Apr 11
I hung onto the back of your belt
Just enough to keep you from going splat on the walkway
Nearly 60 feet below.
You pulled against my grip.
Was it a test?  Because I’d fail
I just might dive after you and paint my brain
In streaks all over the trail.  
No, pull it together.  I’m here to care for you.
I’ll try
To put aside
My own daydreams of suicide.

You are everything to me, I swear
You will never have to walk alone
We’ll face this world of **** together
And battle the unknown.
Lost Mar 20
Beating white-knuckled fists
Into the ground
A rising frustration in my throat
Makes tears fall down

“Helplessness is learned”
That’s what they tell me
But I feel like I am
Perpetually a baby

Nineteen years and counting
I’ve been stuck in this skin
And no more control over
The cacophony within

Sitting in front of textbooks
Staring at the same words
I’m on a long road to nowhere
“Helplessness is learned”

Bound like *******
Hanging in the air
Hands behind my back for so long
I forget they’re there

“Helplessness is learned”
It’s a lesson drilled in my brain
Growing up more each day
But an angry toddler all the same

Time ticking relentless
As years fly by
While I sit in a corner
Thinking about why

Eyes stinging red
An incessant burn
It all boils down to
“Helplessness is learned”
Committing to my recovery has been difficult. I have the same feelings and negative core beliefs, but I’m trying to act oppositely until they change. Maybe then I’ll feel like I have control.
I am a human of interruptions.
I am a human that winds themselves into constant cycles.
It feels like I'm on a soft pillow and then a carousel surrounded of blazing fire the next.

Sometimes I want to rip off my burnt red hands of eczema.
Sometimes her smile stings me...and sometimes the world hurts too much like stretched open cuts and I feel like I'm crashing.

I can't leave and yet I wish to want to.
My wrestling violent thoughts in a competition of their own...
I cram my mouth of bitterness because it's sweet, like maple syrup.
But I am in a state of nausea right after, because of how bitter it all feels and oh so quick.
my stomach growls in constant emptiness. And I get clueless on what to feed it...

My manic moods change like the bipolar weather every winter.
I'm like a severe storm when elevated to the point of high uninvited irritation .... and and then I clear up exactly how a grey muted sky would when empty:
Empty with nothing to hold onto.
Do I hold onto the clouds?
...Aren't they like people though?
You grab onto them thinking they'll save you,
but you'll just pass right into them.
I know you hate it when I sleep
Because your anger is rarely more intense
Than when I shut my eyes
Comfortable on the couch
Wedged between the cushion and the back
Eyes heavy
Drooping
Trying desperately to stay awake for you.

I don't ever want to hear "I don't care"
Come from your mouth again.
You know what?
It may not feel real to you, but
It does to me.  
Lies so often that it’s uprooted my own
Sense of sensibility.  

Gentle, loving touch
I feel it deep shivers down my back
The services you render
I haven’t seen
Since I ran Allroy off the track.

Peck rapidly with your thumbs
Although you can barely read.
But here I stay, I care
I can’t explain the need.
Bettlejuice Jan 21
Once was enough
Twice that was tough
Three times it try’s
Fourth times a deadly compromise
The psych ward
Lost Jan 16
I used to bike in circles
On long summer days
Waiting for someone
Or something to be my escape
From the walls of my double wide
Where every night I would hide

I punched a hole in my wall
That my mom covered with an inspiring quote
I took a pin it was hung with
And stabbed and ripped it all
To plaster over someone’s pain
Is a ******* ******* shame
Evelyn Smith Nov 2018
I've locked my emotions in a glass cabinet,
Somewhere I can't quite remember.
All I know is it's bulletproof and I regret ever doing so.

I'm grieving the feeling of feeling anything at all.

I've repressed all of me to please others just so I can be palatable.
I've suppressed every ounce so no one would leave.

But In doing so it seems I've completely left myself.

I used to feel happiness so intensely I could lift myself to the stars.
I used to feel love so strongly I was every lonesome souls fantasy.
I used to feel enthusiasm so passionately I almost made something out of myself.

But most importantly, I used to simply feel.    

Sad eyed boys displeased with themselves threw knives around my silhouette and now I can no longer move.
Trapped emotionally motionless backed into the corner of my walls.

When they told me "you're just too much" i turned myself into nothing at all.

I didn't ask to be the way I am.
I'm a product of trauma, can you not sympathise to that?
I'm sorry I'm so chaotic and I'm sorry I'm always too much,
and I'm sorry you're all so self centred you'll ruin someone else just to feel good.
Beat me when I'm already down just so you can stand on my back to raise yourself.

I transformed myself into nothing just to please others who'll eventually leave and I watch them stuff everything I had into their pockets, they took all of me.

Now I'm lifeless and scared.
I just wanted to be loved.
I just wanted someone to be proud of me.
I just wanted someone to be able to accept all of me.

I'm the faint whisper in the wind of a person who once was.
The shadow in the background as everyone else's life moves on.
I am left chained by these collars I was tied to and abandoned.

Someone, something.
Please, find me.
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