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AJ 3d
i pick at my skin it a desperate attempt to pull the anxiety out.
if it could ooze out every pore and tear,
maybe i wouldn’t be shaking,
fueled with the rage and fear panic attacks hold.

i pick at my body to rip at the insecurity.
scars are a sign of my fragile self image,
makeup is the mask i use to forget.
a thick black line tracing my eyelids;
a heavy layer of powder masking the blushing of my cheeks.

i pick at my mind to understand what this diagnosis means to me.
i pick and i pick and pick at every idea and thought of this hell the universe has placed me in.
i tear and rip at them until my mind is as numb as my skin.
i pick until i can pretend i can understand.
Lost Mar 23
I feel like there’s something dormant in me
That I can’t seem to wake up
But sometimes when you touch me
It’s like hitting my funny bone

I feel a turbulence
I feel a ghost
I feel something
Trying to fight
To be acknowledged

I’ve done so much recovering
I’ve come so far
I’ve fought so much
But here we are

In your bed
Curled up to the edge
You try to comfort me
But I’m not hearing it

What is it?
What is it?
What is it?
What’s wrong?

Why can’t I figure it out
And then move on?

I don’t understand
What the problem is
But I feel something
Occupying my head

It’s strange to feel full
When you haven’t ate
So why am I so upset
When I am somewhere so safe?

I don’t understand
I don’t understand
I tried writing that night
But I couldn’t understand

I picked up my phone
And stared at a blank note
I tried a few words
But only wrote,
“What’s wrong with me?”
And over I rolled

I went to the bathroom
I crawled out of my skin
My fist hit my thigh
But I don’t know why I did it

How infuriating
To feel so disturbed
And not know what it is
That’s making me hurt

I feel like there’s something
In the back of my head
Determined to pull me
Back down to the depths

I’ve recovered so much
I’ve put in the work
I have more to do
And there will always be more

I am at peace with that,
But for now I am upset
I feel like there’s screaming in my mind
But I can’t really hear it

All I hear tonight
Is static and clips
Little fragment
I am a tiny shard

I wake up tomorrow
I will wake up tomorrow
I wake up tomorrow
And tomorrow will come

Tomorrow
Today
Yesterday
Tomorrow

The days
happen
Happened
Happening

I happen all around them

I wonder when
I will wake up
Present?

Without one foot in tomorrow
Without one foot in yesterday
Without happening to fall
Somewhere in between

When will I wake up
Next to you
And feel again?

This numbness frightens me
You hit my funny bone
And it tingled
It reacted

But funny bones only feel funny
For a few moments in time
I’ve been reeling for days
And I feel like I’m fumbling around
Dancing around
The edge of something
B I G

Why can’t whatever it is
Just wake up
And let me feel it?
sylvia Jan 17
i'm always bleeding
last night i was in bed
waiting for a text
that will probably never come
and my mouth was filling with blood
over and over
it was all i could taste
i couldn't remember biting
i have sores in my mouth
from nervous chewing
but they weren't as bad as usual
but suddenly my mouth was bleeding
and i keep doing this
and i don't know why
and my psychiatrist said
it's just
social anxiety
that's all it is
she told me
i don't think you're psychotic
i can't remember
a couple months ago
i had bruises on my arms
i couldn't remember
my mouth kept filling up with blood
my finger is bleeding
i bite my nails too much
i used an x-acto knife
there was something on my nail
i had to get it off
i had to dig it out
of my skin around my nail
it keeps bleeding
my hands are cold
so i hold them together
and i keep unfolding my hands
to find blood on my palms
he doesn't care about
the scars on my thighs
and my stomach
i've always been terrified
that whoever i was with
would see the scars
and think i was crazy
unstable and not worth the chaos
i feel guilty
i feel bad for my roommate
she shouldn't have to
live with someone
with all these issues
Ferrin McGinness Jun 2014
downtown is
a much newer scene than even
i thought it’d be - i was
prepared to be
a novice. i was prepared to be
out of place. and this was
nothing, i could handle these
old odd eyes, i just
wasn’t ready to feel so
dropped in.

but i’d drawn a diagram
of this situation,
a different specific

(*******.
i can’t hear myself think)

why am i surprised to feel
so dropped in
when i’ve drawn it?
drawn upon it?

why am i surprised
that a new brand new
situation feels
just the same as the new situations
of before, when i’ve
had so many
that i can picture the the sensation
of my brain?

i’ve made a series of green lines
on a yellow, lined piece
of paper.

i’ve meant to take it
to my shrink for months.
once,
i had it in my purse and
my guts, when i entered,
decided to shrink.

i said
i was fine, and the same,
and i started to drop
the pills that stole my sleep
onto the streets.

it’s helped,
and i’m surprised. and my brain
feels more awake than
any other time
in the past
three
years…
so.

to which part of town
do i go to

from here?
Lost Aug 2020
Yupo paper
Shredded and
Tangled into
A mess

I tried
To make
It look
Pretty but

It is
Only what
I have
Made it
To be

I carved
Intricate patterns
I folded
And crimped
Protruding pieces

I wanted
To see
Beauty in
What I
Had done

But I
Only saw
The mess
I have
Become
I originally wrote this 7/28/20
Vale Luna Jul 2020
I have always been
too aware of the moon

Weeping because we will never
be closer together
Worshipping the ground
her light walks on
Worrying that her crescent’s point
will stab me in the back

I have never been
good with relationships.
Just got a new diagnosis a few days ago,,,,,,
think I'll make a series
Lost Jul 2020
I feel like a Polaroid picture of myself
I feel like I’m a fading still image of a person from the past

I feel like there’s pieces missing to my puzzle
I feel like wholeness will never be an option

I feel like the Blues Clues dinner plate that was broken
In the midst of a fight between my parents
I feel like I’m still crying at the kitchen table
Quietly, so they won’t notice

I feel like I’m standing outside a circle
And I feel like even if I were let it
I would push my way out

I feel like I’m reading the same sentence
Over and over without it registering
I feel like I’m reading a whole book
Just to start it time and time again

I feel like these books don’t make sense anyway
I feel like there’s pages ripped out
I feel like there’s chapters pasted in where they don’t belong
I feel like some of them are written in dead languages
I feel like I’m not meant to understand

I feel like an active volcano under the sea
I feel so much fire inside of my body
It spews out into ocean waters
And remains unseen
I am the only one
Who will feel my heat
Lost Jun 2020
I can’t hear anymore
Tilted head
Question mark eyes
Looking at lips
Meeting and parting
Looking at teeth
Waxing and waning
Peaking in and out
Behind pink curtains
Wondering why
I can see the words
With my eyes
Bubble letters
You spat out
Unceremonious
They fell on the ground
Alphabet soup
You’ve spewed from your mouth
Scrambled egg syllables
Writhing around
Garbled rhetoric shaken through air
Rattled right past me as though I’m not there
Catapulting through my ears
Sound waves echo but I do not hear
I see through empty words
I see you and choose to leave you unheard
I see actions that speak so loud
That the ******* spewing from your mouth
Is completely drowned out
By the righteous sound
Of a page flipped
Of a chapter ripped
Straight from binding
Of the book you were writing
Of the knots you were tying
Or the roots you were growing
My home is not with you
Sanctuary is knowing
The distance between me and you
Will forever stay as true
As the core values
I hold myself to
We all have lapses
In our virtue
But our character is
The way we react to
Each mistake we make
And you choosing to feign
Ignorance and deflect blame
Shows me your resistance to change
Is something that I will not take
Along with me as I make
A life for myself I do not hate
I am not perfect but I never said I was
I’ve been accountable for when I’ve ****** up
As for you, you have chosen to run
It’s been so long since you’ve looked back
I wonder if you still remember what it’s from
I don’t write much these days, but when I do it doesn’t make much sense to me.
Lost May 2020
Am I really so empty?
Dried corn husk
Brittle leaves curved
Around negative space

The fruits of the earth
Long plucked away
Leaving nothing
But open air

But where did it all go?
Rows of pearly yellow
Crowded parts
Bursting and vibrant life

Gone is not the right word
Consumed is not either
Departed comes to mind
But it doesn’t fit right

Maybe the change is not a death
Maybe it is a birth instead

A husk is not the same
Without it’s core
But it is
It is

Born again I am new
This skin walks hollow
This skin walks full
I am not empty
I am the sum of my parts
Wholeness is perceived
And pieced together
Intentionally

I am the sum of my parts
Past and present
Intertwined so tight
The seams meld into one

Clay raked from wet ground
With my clawed hands
The weight feels the same
Balanced in my palms

Interlocking fingers
Press one heap of clay
To the other
Ooze leaks from gaps

Husk or whole
Both are parts
When clay palms collide
It’s impossible to just see
One or the other

A story is not the same
When you remove history
I cannot be a husk
Unless there was
Life
Lost May 2020
The same Bright Eyes album
With the same feeling
In the same bed
Looking at a different ceiling

Some things stay the same
And some things will change
But it all feels old
Musty, dusty,
Stained with mold

Water damage on the walls of my room in the double wide
Are like the new stretch marks on my stomach
My plaster skin, my sheetrock hide

If I pick
The paint
Comes off
Rubbery in slippery fingers
Little round fingertip
Jagged cuticle I bit

I can’t remember much
But nothing feels new
My optic nerves receive stimuli
With no brain to register to

I am not blind
I think I might just choose
To leave my mind places
I won’t go back to
I already have a poem titled “VACANT” but tbh after writing over 100 poems it’s getting quite difficult to come up with new titles each time lol.

I hope you’re all doing alright during these uncertain times. Much love to all of you wonderful members of this community :)
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