i could carve the moon
out of the sky
and serve it on a silver platter
but still
it would not be enough

Esther Krenzin

you thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore
it wasn’t supposed to
when they took advantage of you again
or stabbed you in the back
but no matter how many times you built up your wall
it was never thick enough to stop the knife

-Esther Krenzin

we fight until there is no in between
until homes are reduced
to wastelands
until we feel incomplete without
a gun in our hand
and still the children go hungry
still the mothers are weary
still the fathers die early

Esther Krenzin

we are fish out of water
landlocked somewhere
we’d rather not be
and it is our own hands
that sew our gills shut
so that we cannot
b r e a t h e

Esther Krenzin

like a flower
straining for the sun
my petals are lifting
towards your warmth

i cried rivers of salt
thinking it would change things
that perhaps they would hear
and comfort me
in the end nothing changed but my
expectations
i no longer expected good from people
who had no good left to give.

Esther Krenzin

I am the **** you do not notice
next to the saccharine flower
the one that silently grows
in the others shadow
the one that spreads itself out
and declares its space on the earth
while others are preoccupied watching the ephemeral flower bloom

there is a door at the foot of my ribcage
that says "do not enter"
yet they knock anyways
inviting themselves into my home
only to leave
when they've seen enough.
Esther L. Krenzin

send me away
to a place where i can scream
until my face turns blue
to a place where i have permission
to grieve
to a place where despair is a art
instead of a sin
send me away
for i cannot find that here

Esther Krenzin

the story you tell yourself
is the story you live out

Esther L. Krenzin

mother
we are cut from the same cloth
you and i
we do not know how to be anything but
the giver
the helper
the lover
who bends over backwards
with no fuel
we split ourselves open for others
and wonder why it stings
when we sew ourselves up again.

Esther L. Krenzin

"Make yourself small
become invisible
until you are needed
don't take up space
starve yourself so that we find you appealing
cover and smear away
at your blemishes"
is the unspoken rule

Our bodies are not pitstops
for ravenous men
this flesh
these limbs
this ***** is a gift
and can be taken away,
just as it can be given

When they want you
docile and unassuming
seen but not heard
climb through the bars
of the prison you built
to please others
and make something of yourself
for in you alone, lies the power.
Esther L. Krenzin

like a shadow
clinging to the sun
restless, i followed you
a star-struck fool
waiting around
for your love.

Esther L. Krenzin

perhaps we burned so fiercely
that even our best efforts
couldn't quench the flames.

Esther L. Krenzin

its not your fault
you cant understand
my body speaks a language
your tongue cant pronounce
Esther L. Krenzin

It robs us of our dignity
pilfers our humanity
and steals us away to
make love with greed
nothing is spared on its warpath
there is no consideration for the collateral
because the promise of something that will serve
the continuation of corruption
matters more than the lives it will crush

Esther Krenzin

oh lord
i promise to be good
and true to my word
i promise to look people in the eye
and treat them with the respect they deserve
i promise to try harder
be stronger
and less fragile
grant me this plea
this prayer in the stillness of my heart
just give me one more day to live
one last chance to see the sun set
one final chance to make amends
and say all that twists itself tight in my throat
i beg you to spare me
i thought i wanted death
i wanted it so badly my lips were bitter with tears
it seemed better than facing the world
it seemed easier than facing myself
and the ones i claim to love (yet hurt so badly)
wouldn't everyone be happier
if i just disappeared
into the night
onto the welcoming cement so far below
it beckoned me
and
i
  threw
   myself
    into
     its
      arms
it is only when i struggle to draw breathe
that it hits
and ravages whats left of me
i realize i wanted to grow old
and watch my children prosper
i wanted to stare out at the world one day
and smile at what i saw
i wanted to live for all that i was to gain
and lose
so what if it hurt
so what if i was broken
so what if it was hard
it was still a gift
one that i had wasted so thoughtlessly
lord
if you are there
do not judge me when i come before you
i wanted wanted reprieve and looked for it in all the wrong places
and it was my demise
Esther L. Krenzin

she gave
the very flesh off her back
and it was her demise
Esther L. Krenzin

i want to spread love
as generously as jam
but there is this hollowness
i cant seem to fill
Esther L. Krenzin

some warriors
taste defeat before their journey
and are wiser because of it.

Esther L. Krenzin

they nod their head
as if they understand
but don't fool with me
your eyes are glazed
and the notes that you are scribbling
cant measure the pain ive felt
i pull out the symptoms from clenched teeth
legs swinging in the air
on and on
an endless list
you grow restless
and when i open my mouth to continue
you walk out the door
that's when i realize
even the doctors don't know what to do with me
Esther L. Krenzin

it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin

because of you
i hated being a girl
you shoved hush
between my lips
and force-fed me the illusion
that i wasn’t allowed
to take up space
Esther L. Krenzin
Rogue song

why do we swim on the outskirts
when we could
dive in deep
into the vast unknown
into the ocean so harsh and unyielding
but we dare not do more
than loiter in the sand
where its safe
for our resolve trembles in the face
of such power.

Esther L. Krenzin
Roguesong

i’m staring at this blank page again
wondering what to write
when the words lock themselves away
and i am left with nothing but myself
how lonely that is
how e m p t y i am
my fingers twitch as if to reach
for something
my feet itch to run towards a better life
but every morning
with the rise of the sun
i don the same garb
walk the same walk
until i am drowning in the repetitiveness of it all
until i wonder why i’m even here
“there must be more to this life“
i think
and watch everyone move on without me
at a speed so great
i am coughing up dust
coughing up the lies i told myself
so that i could remain a shriveled thing
instead of swimming towards the light
but the light hurts
it blinds my eyes
and pulls sobs from little nooks and crannies
i thought were vacant

Esther L. Krenzin

you look in the mirror
and are weary
of the person you have become
knowing that they too, are weary of her
that they too, wish for the you of the past
because the you of the future
is nothing but hollowness
a graveyard of joy
a tomb of hope
a resting place for the light that will not return
you bid it goodbye
and it was happy to leave

Esther L. Krenzin