When Childhood has no face!
When you can't feel the spirit of that child in you!
When you search for that hope to revive the dead emotions!
When you look at that face and you wish to touch it to feel its virginity!
When you are unwelcome to unmasked what has been masked!
When the "ShinTaiDo" gives the wisdom to speak out of your feelings!
When anger or frustration is meeting with other anger and frustration, then what kind of "Fire" is in the Place!
I know nothing about what they call it  Terms or Jokes...
I know those feelings and emotions in those feelings...
I know the mystical touch in the sky that i can't express....
I know that i was asked to say, No matter how it will be received...
I know I am a messenger of a different kind of message!
I am Charm!

No wonder how I hate my distance from her!
No wonder how I hate my sickness of being away from her!
No wonder how I hate the silence in my room, in my car, in my papers!
She is a hope with the simplicity living in her and with her!
She is the light that let me close my eyes in peace!
She is the gentle that i touch when I'm confused with my thought!
She is... The Gift!

I know her face with that smile that i can't forget!
I still feel her eyes getting through my heart!
Leaving him in a battle of finding its truth!
The little shy smile that still burning my soul in questions!
didn't you begged, not to have any more feelings!
Didn't you promised yourself that you will be the loser at the end of every story!
Didn't you get enough of being burned....
Didn't you live for a while and died for so long in pain!
But I still feel her hugs that I couldn't get enough!
I made her smiled, but i suffered from that point till now!
I still remember her face......
but......

Love still without a face!

It is the moment, when you feel the love of earth!
It is when your steps are dancing with your life...
It is when you see those smiles and eyes firing love and caring...
It is when you feel you are about to lose your guts...
It is when you feel here "where I should end my marsh"...
It is when you feel "I was not dreaming big"...
                  Then the voice of Truth comes and says...
                                             "Smile"!!
Then you feel the **** of your limiting beliefs... The **** of your Saboteurs!
Then you claim your Right Birth that "My Voice is Worth to be Heard!"

silence with those who are on roads…
their souls are somewhere lost in places that hard to reach!
My Love… has no faith in those roads declaring Why?
I didn’t ask her for anything, I asked her to be with me…
I didn’t ask her to change, i asked her to be with me…
I didn’t ask her to worship me, i asked her to be with me…
i didn’t ask her to change her beliefs, i asked her to be with me…
i didn’t ask her nothing…
I just asked her not to walk away!
My world is burning, but I want nothing except her smile…
I asked her to be my partner in discovery and not to commit to me!
I asked her to feel safe with me since i was wounded by others for hundred of times and i know the feel…
I asked her to sit with me, as I am a stranger of my own!
I asked her to give me her trust, not to **** her dreams
I asked her to dream with me, not for me…
I asked her to cry with me, not because of me….
I asked her to love with me, not to be obliged to love…
I asked her to be Herself!
To be….!!

Holding The Pen and closing my eyes, making my Heart opens his book in pain!

Listening to that Melody calling me loudly to hear the unsaid words, makes all lines shake in fear!

Space and every Element surrounding that space lead to hold my trembled Heart to Fade in Illusion!

Questioning my Reasons....

Questioning my Versions i went through and became....

Questioning the Purpose I have every Now and Then....

Questioning "Should I go Further than this Point that I reached?"...

The Sun is hiding behind those shy Clouds, trying to keep the Light of A Road from being Seen!

And I'm Questioning....

What is behind that Road?

I will break all agreements i had throughout those years!
I might break them without noticing that, and that will be by the grace of God!
My fight as a Warrior will continue in a different Flavor!

When the Name became part of A Life!

When every letter of your name represents a Mystery you are Living!



Then...



Write your Name with Letters can be seen by Souls...

Write your Letters with that Spirit of who will fight for you....

Make your Name be part of you!



Live your Name.... Live your Right!

What an irony! .....When feel things are changed and you got the slap that the change is only an illusion....

What a bluff! ....When your heart started to sense so-called life, and then miserably being treated by misunderstanding...

What else needed to lose!
What else those humans would ask for!

My mistake... I Trusted my feelings and they thought I Betrayed them!

What would be my list of disposal Now!

Life.....Feelings...Myself!

Who should I blame!
What should I blame!
I am the Ground of those Feelings!
I am Holding that Heart!
I am Carrying that Soul!
                         So....
Should I Blame Myself!
Should I Blame God for the purity in my Essence!
I can't Renounce my Pleasure of feeling my Pain!
I can't Ignore those Wounds!
They are Me!
I can't be Dead Anymore!

I used to walk fast to reach the place...
I was not thinking of anything except the place...
I was not in love with Earth!
I was not in love with sky!
I was not in love with myself!
Yesterday, I've tried to walk slowly!
I failed to follow my Legs!
I realised I'm missing everything around me even my breath!
I've realised I've wasted every "Push" from God, from Nature even from my soul....
I've realised how many years of my life passed  not being noticed...
Years being slipped away without enjoying.....
                                            The Blesses...

I question in pain the blood running in those veins!
Questioning those purposes i found created and realized in my journey!
questioning with bitterness..with being lost in my space, my soul, mind mind...**** inside me!
**** towards a black whole!
knowing nothing if i'll be getting out of it or not!
knowing nothing except i saw the lonely air, lonely feelings, lonely self!
I questioned finally if i have Human Blood!

I'm the Giver!
I'm the Safer!
I'm the Secret Keeper!
I'm the Peace Maker!
And she stood there...turning her eyes away from me...
And she Stood there...away from her car and her body refuses to leave...
And she stood there...covering her body with her gentle hands in shyness...
She...Asked.... "Can I ask you for something!"!!
With A smile...With a trembling Heart...With I said "I will give that Hug" that I hold it back hours ago!!...
Throwing herself into my arms, and hiding her face out of shyness...
She threw herself, saying in silence "I want to feel safe!"!...
She threw herself, clinging strongly to my chest as if she is saying..." Don't Disappear!"...
She.....didn't know before she asked...
                                All her prayers were answered!!!!

Fears find its voices before the sleeping Child inside me!!!

The faint voice of hope Still breathing heavily to let me feeL its presence....

The unseen but felt hope, touches my strayed soul to get me back to right path...

Peace was my theme!
Loneliness was my rule!
Mystery was unknown touch!

And still looking for answers, and tired of searching for logic of each question!

Mind is screaming for a sleep!
asleep that it won't think further of the unknown!
still That music is haunting that spirit inside me, begging me to play that craziest Chapter in my life that still to beplayed.....
That chapter that I didn't write with fear... ... with Measures...... with known Results......
And.......
AM I considering my options with "Chances"!

I want to throw up!
Things are stinky and gross inside me, pulling me inside myself!
I can't feel, except my weird silence inside every corner of myself and soul!
I feel i am in the center of nowhere except myself!
I know who I am! I know where I stand!
I know I am somehow alone! That what bugs me!
That what takes me to question my moment!
I hate that moment, when i long for a hug and Silence is the only welcoming hands that i end with!
That warmth is not inviting any peace!
That Peace is not inviting any rest!
That Rest is only a rest for another long tiring journey!
                 That is a Journey of my Choice!

Folding her legs and sitting gently on sand afraid of hurting sands under her...
Like a gentle breathe on those dunes... dancing gracefully in silence...
Looking at her silence, like a story of a longing to peace is prevailing...
Looking at her silence, ****** me to dwell in the untold story...
Eager to know where the deep will reach inside her...
I will sit with her, listening to her story, but would she trust me...
Would she feel safe with me...
I can keep writing about her till my ink ends... But do i have the right?
A question that even life couldn't answer!

I'm leaving in the darkness of the early morning, and the beauty sleeps!
Leaving the place, where my feet walked in grace with her....
Leaving the place, where her laughter still touching my ears...
Leaving the place, and her smiles like a child engraved in my memories...
Leaving in the place, a wish that she finds the peace in her heart....
Leaving in the place a Prayer to touch clarity with her thoughts..
I left... And...
Couldn't Hug her!
Couldn't touch her hands!
Couldn't came near her!
All That and....
I couldn't ignore every inches........
                                                           Of her fragility!
                                                           Of her Kindness!
                                                           Of her Heart!
                                                           Of her Pain!
And I questioned! what Makes her Unique!!!!
It is the Beauty of her Soul!

There sitting with my papers alone!
Watching them begging me to write!
I have nothing!
All my belongings of feelings went somewhere to mystery places!
I'm sorry, I can't help it to stop my lost!
Demons are moving around me eager to sit with me!
Eager to sit with old friend!
Eager to shake cold hands!
But they don't know!
I left my body and wondering in lost island!
They don't know!
It is Empty!

I wonder where she is?
What she is doing…
How she is breathing…
What her Lips are emerging with…
No wonder I miss her!
No wonder i’m losing my centre!
No wonder i’m straying in nowhere!
But
Honesty showed gratitude for honouring it!
Love kneeled in front me, for bringing back its dignity!
Passion kissed me for showing the missed trace in life…
Dreams are dancing around me celebrating the moment of relief..
Vulnerability cried with me for giving away my anger with life…
I envy her silence!
   her world!
   her mystery!
I envy everything around her!
1-12-2015

I feel cold in every tiny vein!
In every second, every part of me is deprived from life!
As if the Hope I had with Love being euthanize!
I won't feel the warmth anymore!
                           I won't feel Myself or My Heart anymore!
                                      I've been discharged from....
                                                       Life!

Tried to connect with my breath and I found you there!
Tried to close my eyes and meditate and saw your face with that crazy smile!
Holding my billow I remember when we hug each other saying goodbye!
                            I realized......  
                       How fragile I am!
                    I realized she is......my Universe!!!

What would "Explode" looks like? Interesting to know!
Would "Explode" by my signature...
How would "Explode' be seen!..
How would "the discussion between heart and spirt" be perceived!
Hallucination... Maybe!
Rebelion... Could be!
Depression... What the Hell!
Lonely Nights... It doesn't matter!
All those might be seen, but I was not seen!
The real me was still not seen!
The Real Bleeding of Soul and honest heart!
I would love her and tell the whole world!
I would be Crazy...
I would be Messy...
I would be whatever they think...
                               But
I won't harm my heart anymore..
I won't go through silent heart....
I won't go through human contexts of what is right or wrong!
I won't "explode"...
                          I am simply alive...
                          Simply Breathing...
21-11-2015

Nonentity to Fulfilment!
Obscurity to Clarity
Aimless to purposefulness!
Hopelessness to Dreaming….

I walked from there to here!
In a journey that you walked also before we meet!
Walked slowly… in fear…with pain…hand in hand with despair…
Walked of the road… lost and in silence…
Angry from everything and everyone…
Angry of myself!
Walked in noises and my heart not around!
walked in….

and

I have faith in that we all fall and we all recover…

And

I saw Ego died in R1 and “All/we” reborn.

And

I felt dreams came true in life…

And

I sensed authenticity shining in those faces I love… shining in eyes without words!!!

And

That is the faith that keep us Unique!

I am A hippo!

I am HAP…. Hippo And Proud!

From heaven I fell....
With smile I was looking to heaven not worrying where I'm landing!....
Fear was not my concern!....
Heart never stopped from beating....
Feeling the cold breath on back like sleeping on feather bed....
Seeing the light ahead comfort the spirit within!....
Listening to sphere whistling for me!...
Calling unheard name!
Reading lips, scares heart and the name was
                             Fallen

Is it a Dream!
Is it a fantasy!
Is it a wish that can’t be fetched!
All my life, i’ve been watching life in silence!
                 And i asked….
Do I exist!
Is there a need to let my voice heard!
I saved lives!
I helped lost souls!
I broken hearts!
I touched the unreached Hope and whispered him
to shine in their eyes…
I am who I am!
If you see me silly… know that I am Human!
If you see me stupid…Know that I am Human!
If you see me sensitive…Know that I am Human!
I have my Dark side and that didn’t affect my love for you!
I have my Bright Side, and that didn’t hide you behind the light!
You always there, in front of me…shining in your darkness and brightness…
Do you have the same for me!
Talk to me, let me listen to you… Let me feel you!
I’m not better than you… I am like you…I am you.. You are me..
In a Journey we are together…
In a long-life walk we are together…
My Hand longing to hold your hand!
My Heart longing to feel your beats!

Are we falling apart …… Or

Are we reborn again!

What is your say!

Kindness was my skin...
Softness washy gown...
Tenderness was my voice...
All That was taken from me at the point of time!
                                           Then
Mystery was my shield  
Lamentation was my Poetry
Loneliness was my path
Pain was my Alley
                               Once upon the time
I found what I miss!
I found what was not there!
I found the warmth I miss in those lonely nights!
I found the Heart Beat, which I didn't feel all those years...
I felt the heat of my words...
I found, sensed, felt, lived, smelled, drank, breathed the strange love!
A lot of (I)s, but my body has no existence...
A lot of Heart and Soul intimate conversation..
I reach the point to let them down, and let my gains lost in this vast of nowhere!
I'm sorry for this funeral ceremony, where crops are my belongings...
Thank you for being there and sorry for this note, but I have to leave...
I have A call, that I have to Answer!

“What Am I afraid of?”!!!!
A concealed question asked inside my chest and feelings….
Its painful ache inside my stomach spreading throwing the cold of freezing winter all over my body…
Feeling the shivering heart out of being scared of his messy life…
Accelerating heart beats, as if heading to death… Heading to stop somewhere in the middle of chaos of being deserted with emotions and unknown world I’ve created…
When I started to be the “Blind Man”, and be the “Curious Being” about people and things around me….
When I started to see colors in every spot falls under my eyes….
When I started touching emotions were strange to me?
Ghosts started visiting me, with sarcastic smile on their faces giving me message that I don’t have scape or shelter from the “Lost” state I’m living in…
No Matter what I’ll do, I’ll be in that prison with no breath out!!!
I wish those ghosts were of flesh and blood…
Wish they dared show me themselves…
Wish they fought me!!!

Scary label!
****** in principle!
Ruthless by craft!
He is the one who lost a privilege!
He is the Drifter! Wandering in universe looking for answers! Looking for himself! Looking for privilege taken from him!
Would he be interested in people around him?
Would he look around for comfort?
Would he consider the pain inside him?
Would he consider those scars in his body?
                           He is a Drifter!
                           He is ahead than others!
                           He is a seeker!
Nothing more to lose, but more to gain!
No more to dwell in the past, more journeys to go through!
Breaths to be inhaled and power to exhale!
There is purpose, meaning, belief, faith and hope!
Those don't exist in loser, they exist in
                           Fearless Ronin!

In hope I start my day!
Holding “Hope” with my spirit trying to find meaning to what I’m doing!

Breathes are counted!
Sleeps are restless!
Words became homeless!
Pain became meaningless!

And

Death became the Theme!
Pale colors are painted!
Brain in comma!
Guts is drained!
Love is Running away!

First Hours of hope had counted down!!

The so-called "Intuition"... that let people ask you a funny question "Did you studied "Psychology"?
If I told you how I feel you...would I be a ******?  
If I See you... Would I be labeled rude?
If I feel your heart...Would I be called crazy?
What am i following?
I followed my heart!
I followed the pain in your eyes!
I followed the question you keep it inside your heart!
I followed the passion that burn your spirit!
I Just followed my soul to serve others!
I just followed...the so-called... Humanity in me!
I Just Cared about you!

In process of knowing who I am!
In process of recalling my memories!
I found an empty space!
A space I can’t remember!
A space I struggle to belong to!
A space I questioned my belongings in this world!
A space I realized I’m forgotten!

14-10-2018

A Brother…
A Friend…
A Reliable Corner in your life to reach whenever you ran for peace…
Above all, he is a light soul with that smile and soothing voice…
The space around him, let you close your eyes and let those Mantra spill over to cure…
Your Moments with him keep  you in the sacred circle of purity…
Although his tears are hard to fall, still you feel the warmth of his heart surrounding you with harmony…
He is presence in his silence….
He is the manifestation of truth…
He is one of the Tribe!!!!

In the casket I saw you!
With a smile you are laying there!
The echo all over the place!
Whispers all around me and about you!
Who is the handsome?
Who is the one in silence?
Who is the one in quite look?
I read the eulogy, with faith it won't be heard only in heaven!  
I'm not lamenting you!
I just wanted to tell them the secret!
Just wanted to tell them who are you!
The echo carried my words..... With pain!
Prayers stopped from being spelled over you!
Are you doomed?
No!
Prayers are crying on you!
You are in safe hands!
Rest in peace!
It is not our funeral!
It turns to be their funeral and we are invited!
We are alive more than they do!
We are alive!

Happiness creeps into my being those days!
Hope sheds its soothing light into my castle!
Humor touches the corner of my nights with ease!
Her face keep visiting my papers to engrave her beauty!
Her words let me feel the giggles that she sees me!
All of that is and much more from her!
All of that and she is the shine!
All of that and she is the Gem!
Thank you...even if  your mind turns you away! :)
                                  You...will stay..The...
                                               Gem!

If I have no place to sleep, then where to go?
If all places are clod, what the point of sleeping?
If "Go" is not a direction, then will I end into nowhere?
All my sleeps where with no sense...
Sleeping in spot and my soul searching for its place!
I'm not afraid!
I'm not anymore belong to those boundaries....
I need peace within me, for me!
I long for the hope i felt in love... I long to walk in my road, with happiness...
My dictionary has no "Go" and no "Sleep"!

Grateful!
I’m grateful to those who are not grateful to me…
I’m grateful to my insanity for keeping me sane…
I’m grateful to my dark side of me, for letting me know where I can find the light…
I’m grateful to those silent, painful moment for letting me find the hope in those strange moments…
I’m grateful to undisclosed craziness in finding balance in unknown moments…

On my bed taking the Warrior rest, I saw half moon!
On my bed, with sick heart looking at him and wondering
               "Do you want to say anything to me?"!
                    Where is the other half is hiding?
Tell me .....
                why are you shining at your half only?
Are you listening to music around me!
My blood are shining inside me more than you do outside!
My words are alive in me, more your glowing in the dark night!
                Are you trying to say something to me!
I still see you a half moon!
And I'm still resting!

What a normal day...and funny as it is not normal on the other part of it!
Trying to search for words to help my soul in finding the right meaning to describe....However, in vain!
I asked for simplicity, and in return, answers were learnt in a hard way!
what is wrong with me!
What is wrong with my feelings!
What is my space!
I really loved that person!
I felt the warmth... The safe to be myself!
Is it my fault to feel so!

A day is marked under my name saying, “it is Your Birthday”?
And  
“I Forgot!”
I forgot to count!
I forgot to enjoy!
I forgot to have fun!
Papers are fading away! Withering like leaves in the air
I refrain myself from writing…
I refrain my words to go out of my throat!
I can’t stop what inside me!
I can’t stand still from knowing why!
I can’t understand my silence anymore!

Beliefs were cracking in Hell in Black November...
Shaking hands with demons and Satan was near in Black November...
All my belongings in this world were lost in Black November...
To unspotted Dungeon I prayed to heaven to lead me...
Melancholy was my melody...
Blasphemous was my creed...
Doom was my direction...
Giving up on people...
Trusting no spirit around me, even myself...
Reading all my scripts, Leading to nowhere...
Loss upon Loss...
Losing my compass!
Losing my right to live!
Losing the bright side!
                                       Losing my soul!
All my limbs are not belonging to me anymore..
Anger snatching my flesh leaving me naked...
Bones are withering with the wind...
                                       I want to declare my Death....
Going to places and not feeling being there...
Looking at faces and can't remember I've been with them...
Talking without hearing my words reaching my throat...
                                              Am I Alive?
"You look different"!!!
Healers from different part of universe, looked at me saying "Put your self in Ease"!
You are the Quiet Angel, Keep Shining your light, never hide it!
                                         You are Special!
Your Heart is open and will heal!
Your Heart will be in Harmony!
Your Heart will be clear and you will have clarity in sight!
                                         The Light felt inside me!
With no pain in heart beating, my morning started!
With no expectation my mind woke up!
Reborn differently with solid Hope!
Thanks! (T & J)

Sorry my friend to let you down!
You came in the wrong time...Wrong world.... Wrong body!
Your friend is tainted with dreadful sins that can't be forgiven by Universe!
Sorry my friend
You have no freedom with me!
You have no shelter from those lonely nights!
No warm places to hold you gently!
Sorry my friend!

When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  The Face with that smile and those eyes receiving you!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  With those hands that soothe the tiredness!
                  With those eyes that let you feel the thrill in your limbs!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                  With that warm hug that sends you to a world to close your  
                  eyes with peace inside your spirit!
When Heaven's Door is opened!
                   And it is the face of your love with the purest smile, tells                      
                   you...come into your place!
It is a Heaven of her made!
It is a Heaven where she asked me nothing except a smile... a gentle touch!
For me...She is my Heaven!

With her face you go into a journey to wonder land!
With the blink of her eye, you read a story of its own!
Leaving her half face covered with her short hair, takes you to unfolded mystery!
Black eyes, black hair and black eyelashes tell you a story worth to be Listen to!
With her voice you can take the path in peace reading a fairytale never read before!
You read from her smile an invitation to forget the world and listen to the rhythm
She is a story of her own!