I probably shouldn't talk to you
Or listen to your thoughts
I probably shouldn't be there
When you want to talk about your anxiety
Or about what clothes you should wear
I probably shouldn't look you in the eyes
Through hazy spectacles
I probably shouldn't tell you you're beautiful
And worth more than your scars
Or your insecurities
I probably shouldn't offer you hugs
When you come to me broken
I probably should never have met you
Because you're only going to fall in love with me
For building you up
And leave me when I become what you were

Your ***** seek what your heart cannot bear to take

Tonight we dance like pagans
Take my wrist with your tongue
******* words like the perfect combination of salty and sweet
Lift me high so I may crumble in your arms
Beads of sweat as much of a story to tell
As the tears you and I have shed over habits and heartache
Floating like a swift mist as heavy as dew
It doesn't have to make any sense
It's the soul finally letting go in random spores of silk
Simply titled but definition entwined
Like the calmest you in my arms
The deity's declare us their favourites tonight
So take my eye with your hand
Let's pray we never have to be alone again

Funny how we've made the choice
To die even before we are born

Funny how many attempts we can make
Before we finally fall

Funny how long it takes for the blood to run out
And leave us for once and for all

Funny how much your body can handle
When you don't want to deal no more

Funny how gas can make you laugh and cry
When you're locked in the car and don't even care why

Funny how many pills your system can take
When death is the option you've already made

Funny how long we can hang in the balance
Between the length of a noose and the floor

Funny how hard our dreams can hit us
And with the car we could never afford

Funny how heavy water can feel
When its welling up in your lungs

Funny how the ones who aren't afraid to do it
Are the ones you'd never guessed would jump

Funny how people start paying attention
When you're holding the gun to your head

Funny how our own thoughts eat us alive
Aren't we all just better off  **dead?

The birth and death of me
The eyes of my mother
My first lover
My first crush
My last
The vital existence of my passions thrive in the seas of such colours
They cut me
They cherish me
They undress me
They caress me
They spit lies
They weave truths
They hold my life ahead
They cool my flames
My existence is many shades of blue
Lapis lazuli and cerulean
Sapphire and aquamarine
The treasures of my past
The colours of my present
The looking glasses to my future

I know you are reading this
Either in spite or in awe
But breathe these words from my lips
This is not just your war
Poems upon poems
Blood upon wrists
Depression it moans
It puts us in fits
Take your pen my fellow soldier
Press the ink, take a hit
This war is soon over
Writing heals, you are worth more than this

Move over now lovestruck child
Your tears cannot bring me to my knees
Its an old tale of wrath and discord
I don't love you or your deep blue seas
It ***** to be a girl like me
Hush hush little crush
Stop that foolish quickening heart beat
You hold no warmth to my flame
My passion could traumatize your petty dreams
No one could truly love a girl like me

I grew up on the boarder of city and country
On neo-folk and punk served with romantic classical
The kind of music that paints pictures
Rainy days were my favourite
My Mom didn't pay much attention to me so I learnt to play
With my wild imagination
Until Dad came home
He'd leave whenever he got mad "I'm going for a drive"
I loved dogs and horses and all natures creatures
Except cockroaches
Dear god did I ******* hate those things
My Mom was a pagan my Dad the member of a Catholic church
Mom told me if I am good in this life I'd be a unicorn in the next
My Dad just taught me the lord's prayer
My first friend told me I was going to hell
I knew she'd be a slug in her next life
School bells
I enjoyed school
I was a prodigy child in everything except math
Dad pushed me into Karate, Judo, Rock Climbing, Soccer, Boxing
I liked playing my piano and drawing my dog
Sports made me uncomfortable
My first kiss was with slug girl
She was pudgy and had a cute smile which I was jealous of
But she screamed and ran away
That was the first time I heard the term "gay"
I started to like boys because I thought it was "right"
My Mom said "we all love our friends" but my Dad frowned
I loved my Dad
I wanted him to love me too so I kissed the boy I grew up with
It was gross
I kissed many boys after that and tried my hardest to forget slug girl
We moved into the heart of town and I wore more black
I stopped playing with my Matchbox cars
I stopped galloping about like the horses I desired
I put on a little eyeliner and the bullying I faced when I was younger
Made me weak
It got worse
They tormented me those kids
I wished them all dead but I knew Karma would get them
Eventually
Now I am still drawing animals and writing and playing piano
But I wont ever forget my Dad and his silly beliefs and *** Pistols
I embrace my gayness although not to it's shining potential
But I will always love myself for everything I was
Am
And ever will be
My story is far more dark and complex than this but to tell it would take a lifetime
My whole lifetime
And more to come
x
Kaity

Do you honestly have nothing more to do
Than make multiple accounts with the last name stephani,
and contact every ******* person on hellopoetry?
trying to scam or spam or whatever the hell it is you do
To try and manipulate good people who don't even know you?
Take your blessing and shove it up your ****
If you really liked our profiles you'd follow us
Instead of being
The most pathetic creep on hellopoetry.
Sincerely,
not today, not ever
Not hellopoetry

When I die I'm going down
Because I spent my whole life doing it
And feeling it

Every day she lies
To herself and the world around her
She puts on makeup too dark for her bright eyes
She keeps her mouth closed for when it opens
Its a web of lies
You could say she's so good she's convinced herself
Every morning she wakes in a disguise
She's the kind of sick you can't ever fix
She's a bundle of lies
She's dead inside

If I am an angel then where are my wings
If I am of grace why do I feel so far from heaven
If I am beautiful why don't I see it
If I am God's favourite then why do I resent him
If I am the one you worship, stop
Because I fell for a reason and that reason is sin

Maybe I'm drowning in a daydream
Or maybe I've been asleep a little too long
With my heart set on a girlish fantasy
To the lulling beat of an 80's love song
I'm only set up for disappointment
When I press pause on my MP3
Because reality only leads to resentment
For expecting this idea of love to be bestowed upon me.

Tormented mind
Smothered soul
I cradle your aching head in my arms
Press your face against my chest
The greatest sense of belonging flows through your veins
As the love you gave has not been lost
For your body weakens
But your heart beats strong
You are my longing and every burning desire
I'll hold you close
If you set my world on fire

May you finally rest with both eyes closed
Your time has come it's true you know
So take your last breath smoke your last smoke
And fall gently into death's darkest cloak

It was always the lies
He told them to me with a rose and stabbed me with the thorns from behind
I was his possession
Not a thought of running away could save me from his side
I was always alone
Without a song in my heart in a false mess I could deny
I was broken
I was weak
Then this person was sent to me somehow somewhere like an angel from the sky
He changed me
For good
I learnt I was worth more than what lay naked before his eyes
I got out
I got free
It hurt me
But I won't cry
Because the love I feel for myself now was worth living through those lies

It's been years but you still call me your angel
It's been years but you still talk to me the same
It's been years and you've had other girls
Why do you still miss me?
Was it the way I made you feel like you could do anything
Was it the way I giggled when you called me silly
Was it that I'd look at you like you were the only person in the room
Or was it my smile in the morning?
Well whatever it was it must still be here
Why else would you keep coming back to me?

You bounce about in peoples faces
Like some kind of advertisement
Flicking your hair about
And beaming through resentment
You are far too pathetic to be considered
An adult or even a responsible creature
You pile makeup high on your lips
The deemed favourite feature
You throw yourself at every man woman and being
And smother them in compliments
They'd never return
In hope that you are everything
They shouldn't be seeing
You could never love again
You are not worthy of the kisses you steal
You cry at night and cut so much
Disappointment is your favourite meal
Please please save yourself
Stop desperately seeking our approval

Everyday is a long walk through quick sand
The slower the day goes
The deeper
I sink
I have to keep moving or else I end up drowning
And I suffer a fate worse than death
It's knowing I can't fight it
Because the more I do
The lower I go
The deeper
I sink

Blind
But still so receptive
To her negativity
Shut her out
I try
But she understands
Or so she says
Siren
Bloodletting for her love
Even if it isn't real
Help

Inspiration throbbing in my brain
None of that makes sense I'll try again.
Words knock knock knock but I can't get them out;
Cracking my skull in nose bleeds of doubt.
How can I let them know what I mean?
I just have to let it out but I'm too choked up to scream.
The worst thing about being an artist is:
Nothing can truly express the essence that is this

Write it all
***, lies, secrets
Those things eating you up inside
The furious thoughts
Set them on fire
Your darkest kindling
Someone's gonna relate
They've all been there
We all live here
Write it all