You love me more when
I'm happy so I'll fake it
Just to see you smile

You rub my feet when I'm sad
To show me you love me
Even though I hate them being touched
And I let you
Because I know what you're doing
And it brings me comfort

I want to walk along the beach with you
I want to feel the splash of the ocean and look up at you
Sun beaming on your wet skin
And see you smile
I want to know that nobody could hold any more love in a smile than you do for me.

I want to be cuddled in front of a wood stove
In our tiny log cabin a-frame
In the dead of winter, both wearing flannels
With our feet snug in wool socks
Watching the giant snowflakes fall slow,
And be wrapped in your arms
Knowing that's the warmest place to be
And I want to feel that warmth in my heart.

I want to lose track of time
Just staring in your eyes
And feel the love coming back at me.
I want you to know I love you
And I want to know you love me.

Is it worth it to
Hurt the one you love so that
Your hurting can stop?

I will love you,
And I will love you hard
And deep.
And pure.

I will smile at you
With all of my love
When you laugh,
When you sing,
When you dance,
When you're kind.

And especially when you smile and cover your mouth when you're being shy.

I've never acknowledged my depression
And as soon as I do
BOOM
It's here
I want to die
But I dont really
I just want to stop hurting
And sometimes I just want to feel something
And right now it is both
My heart hurts and my body feels numb
Theres a pit in my stomach that cant be filled up
I feel like I'm void
Of everything but sadness
Like I'm a black hole for happiness
I used to be "happy"
But now I know it was just a mask
Because everything was buried
And now it's on the surface
And I just want it gone again
I want to pretend like I dont care that I dont have friends
I want to go back to when nothing phased me
I thrived on stress and I didnt go crazy
I was used to abuse so I was never really me
I had created my own alternate reality
One without **** and drugs and alcoholism
One where I didnt stand up and I just took the hate and criticism
One where I was sad all the time
But I was so busy pretending to be "happy"
That I didn't notice.

You used to look at me like that
he whispered, as he stared at her
beaming at her new love
I never looked at you like this
She thought, as she saw him longing for her
Wanting to be embraced by her love again

There's a chasm between us
And with every touch
it grows
It's obvious to me
That we are nowhere near
Where we used to be
The future we planned
Will never be our history
We've just grown apart
Separate in what we want
Separate in matters of the heart
You want to hold on
and all I want
is to

      l

e

    t

                g

                             o

Begging you, let go
Don't write, don't text, don't call me
I've moved on, happy

And it's so hard to
believe him 'cause everyone
Else before him lied

You tell me you love me
And I want to believe
But how could this be
When everything I do to help you
Seems to punish me?
I'll never be good enough.
I've known this my whole life.
But I thought maybe that changed
The day you made me your wife.
But I'm still alone.
Sitting in an empty house
Waiting for you to come home.
Let's see what we shout about now.

Our love has been broken
And I want to mend it
But every time I try
We just both get defensive.
I'm at a loss
I really don't know what to do.
How can I show you my love
When you don't even want me to?
My heart hurts daily
And I dont share it anymore.
I see the light in your eyes die
As soon as you walk through the door.

If it's me that's stolen your shine
Please tell me
You are the brightest of all the stars
And no one deserves to take that.
Have I been trying too hard?
And I've just made it worse.
I dont want to watch our love fade
Or roll away in a hearse.
I need us to be us again,
For the sake of being in love.
But how do we do that
When we fight so hard to be unloved?

I miss the love we used to share
Like autumn winds wisping the leaves
making me feel at home

Coming home to you
Does not keep me from missing
You throughout the day

In these days of
Feeling like we are wrong..
Wrong for having feelings
Emotions
We are told that we must always

BE HAPPY

Get a good job
Wife
Husband
Life
Kids
House
Car
Truck
And let's not forget all those toys we have to have in our kitchens, living rooms, and attached garages.
The latest game
The biggest TV
And anything that is the latest generation of Samsung or Apple

If you have all of these things, it is guaranteed: you will be happy.

But here is the FLAW.

You aren't happy because you dont have all of the things society says that you should have to be happy.
Once you get these things, society just replaces all of these things with new things.
Newer games
Bigger TV's
And of course!
The latest generation of anything Apple or Samsung
So what is the point of striving for all of these things when it is never going to be enough?
Something will always be better than what you have.

Unless you choose for it not to be.

You have the decision before you to be HAPPY.
Enjoy what you have.
The right game
The right TV
Apples in the fridge and *** is Samsung?

Once you stop worrying about being what society wants to be and be who you want to be

Isn't that happy?

You have a decision to make

The voices keep echoing
Nagging
Clawing
Shouting

You have a decision to make

Her voice says it first
Then yours
Then mine

You have a decision to make

But I’ve already made it
I just need to let myself
Know

I wish I was beautiful

I wish "make-up is just for fun"
Wasn't a lie

I wish I wasn't so anxious
all the ******* time

I wish I didn't think about killing myself
every single night

I wish my husband
wasn't the only thing keeping me alive

I wish I wasn't depressed
I wish I had more drive

I wish that I believed
that I can actually do something in my life

I wish I didn't worry
About what others say

I wish we still had that love
that I miss every single day

I wish I wasn't holding back tears
typing this whole thing out

I wish things were different.
I wish I brought you happiness
I wish I didn't think you were obligated
I wish I made your heart full
I wish I wasn't so down
I wish I didn't have to control everything
I wish I could just let things go

I wish I still had a therapist
that would tell me what to do

I wish I didn't have to hide my tears
So I don't shed them in front of you

I wish I was good at writing
It's something I've always loved to do

I wish I could look in the mirror
and find a much better view

I wish I didn't feel like I was broken

I wish I could pick a style

I wish I didn't hate rhyming

I wish I didn't think you were mad at me all the time

I wish I didn't keep having nightmares

I wish my medication worked

I wish I could get a grip

I wish I could handle what life throws at me

But here I am writing a wish list that I'm anxious will just sound like I'm complaining about life and not show how terribly anxious and depressed I really am.

You picked up pieces
Everyone else smashed, and you
Filled the gaps with you.

I read these poems of beauty
of love compared to other things
used in analogies and metaphors
But I can't do that with this love
because it's unlike anything I've ever known.

I don't pray often
But when I do, I thank God
For giving me you

I dont want to be
Your verbal punching bag. So
Please just set me free

Whatever I wish that you would do
I will do to you
That way you feel my love
And maybe you'll show it too

You coulda just said no
Instead of leaving me in limbo.
If you're too scared, say it.
I'll make sure I leave the door closed.

Maybe she got tired
Of waiting for you to love her
So she went off and found someone
That wouldn't let her stay down

I get sensitive sometimes
and I don't know how to explain it
one interruption can break my heart
and make me not want to speak again
a story of a past love fills me with dread
and I wonder if thoughts of her still dance in your head
I often think, in these sensitive times
that I'm not enough
for you
for work
for school
but most especially for you
and it makes me want to cry
it scares me and has me thinking of my mother
she got like this sometimes too
but she never addressed it and never asked for help
she didn't ask her love for patients
and he left her
so please be patient with me
as I figure out why and how
to deal with all this sensitivity
Please know that I love you and I'm not trying to hurt you
Please know that I'm hurting, myself
and I don't know how to fix it
Please help me find the staples and glue
to put myself back together
so that I can better love you