I've never acknowledged my depression And as soon as I do BOOM It's here I want to die But I dont really I just want to stop hurting And sometimes I just want to feel something And right now it is both My heart hurts and my body feels numb Theres a pit in my stomach that cant be filled up I feel like I'm void Of everything but sadness Like I'm a black hole for happiness I used to be "happy" But now I know it was just a mask Because everything was buried And now it's on the surface And I just want it gone again I want to pretend like I dont care that I dont have friends I want to go back to when nothing phased me I thrived on stress and I didnt go crazy I was used to abuse so I was never really me I had created my own alternate reality One without **** and drugs and alcoholism One where I didnt stand up and I just took the hate and criticism One where I was sad all the time But I was so busy pretending to be "happy" That I didn't notice.
I'm grateful to be at a point where I can feel like I'm myself. But I'm also terrified because so many things are coming to the surface and I'm afraid you're going to run and hide. I dont want to lose you but I keep pushing you away and one day you're gonna say "I'm done" and that's it. My biggest fear will be realized ten-fold because I'll be without you and I'll die sad and alone.