It's calling my name again,
but now that I think about it,
it always is.

My smile is temporary.
No matter what,
it'll never be as consistent as these scars.

I've tried...
I really have.
But I'm no good at being strong.

I hear it calling my name again,
it's closer now.
I might give in.

If someone would've told me last year,
that I'd be where I am now,
and that this year would change my life forever,
I probably wouldn't have believed you.

And I know what you're probably thinking.
"This whole virus has changed everyone".
But that's not what I'm talking about.
I was a germaphobe and anti social before the pandemic.

What changed my life was the loss of two friends.
They were 22 and 23.
One took his life on March 16th.
The other took his life on June 1st but passed away on the 2nd.

Both went the same way,
but knew nothing about the other.
Both shared in the same struggled,
but had no idea that someone else who understood was out there.

After their deaths,
I realized my life was forever changed.
The word suicide broke my heart anytime I heard it,
and it just brought back the pain of what I wasn't able to prevent.

I take depression more seriously now.
I've started asking people if they are okay,
to the point that it's probably annoying.
But I can't help it.

I've started wanting to just help others.
I think every day that if I could just save one person,
my life would be complete.
I just want to help someone.

I think about who I was a year ago,
and how she had no idea what would happen,
to the boy she met in middle school,
or the guy she had just become friends with.

I think about how innocent she was,
to not know this pain.
How lucky she was,
to not have this hole in her chest.

But I also think of how blind she was,
to the way others felt.
And how I will never be blind like her,
ever again.

Sometimes the worst things for us,
are the best things for us.

If the current didn't sweep me out into the sea,
I would've never truly appreciated the shore.
I wouldn't cherish every grain of sand under my feet.
I wouldn't respect the ocean's mighty pull.

If I never fought that war,
Everything would be a battle.
I would never know when to draw the line,
and every argument would end in casualty.  

If my heart would've never been broken,
I would not know how precious true love is.
I wouldn't know how to handle it with care.
It would not hold the same value.

You see...

We may get thrown into the ocean,
or have to fight some wars alone,
or even have our hearts shattered,
but it makes us who we need to be.

Our souls are better once they've been weathered.
Once we know pain,
We are able to understand joy.
We learn to hold on to the things that matter,
and let go of those that don't.

Sometimes the worst things for us,
are the best things for us.

I know we haven't spoken in awhile.
And we each live completely different lives,
but there's some things I've currently realized about you,
that I've just got to get off my chest.
So here it goes...

Thank you.
Thank you for being the only guy who didn't lie to me.
You were honest,
even when it broke my heart.
When you weren't serious about us,
you told me.
When you liked another girl,
you told me.
You never kept any of it a secret.
I saw you as the enemy for a little while.
I saw you as the first boy to break my heart.
But you weren't trying to hurt me.
You couldn't help that I fell for you so fast.
It wasn't your fault that you didn't feel exactly the same.
You were never obligated to feel anything for me.

You were just a teenage boy,
trying to figure out life.

I'm thankful that you broke up with me.
Because the guy after you wasn't so kind.
He broke me in ways I can't even explain.
In ways that you would've never even dreamed of.

Thank you for being a gentleman.
I'm sorry for thinking you were anything other than that.
I hope you are living a full and happy life.
I hope you meet that girl of your dreams.
I hope she's everything you've been searching for and more.

Thank you, again.
For being the only one who broke my heart in the kindest way.

Day 1
No more cuts.
Only scars.
I won't go back to yesterday.
I promise.

Day 10
No more cuts.
Only scars and thoughts.
I refuse to look back though.
I swear.

Day 50
No cuts, more thoughts.
These scars aren't just physical.
I don't want to look back.
I'm trying not to.

Day 70
These thoughts...
they hurt more and more.
I don't know how much I can take.
I want to.

Day 1
I really tried...

This isn't another poem about what you did.
This isn't about the past.
This is about now.
Right now.
So listen to everything I say here.

I heard you got married in October.
I hear it was beautiful.
I wish you and your wife nothing but happiness.
I hope you both have great lives,
but that's not all I need to say.

I hope you are everything she wants and needs.
I hope you've changed.
I hope you truly light up her world,
and give her butterflies daily.
I hope you never, ever treat her wrong.

I hope she can trust you.
I hope you're faithful to her.
I hope you giver her all the attention a woman deserves,
and more.
I hope you have grown into someone she can depend on.

Because although I know she's the one you ran to,
anytime I didn't give you what you wanted,
I don't blame her.
And I don't want her to suffer.
I want her to have what you made her dream of.

Whatever you do,
do not hurt her.
Do not pretend marriage is nothing.
Honor your vows.
Honor her.

That is all I have left to say.
I just want the best.
Not for your sake,
but for hers.
Let this be your first and only wife.

Keep her as your number one.
Don't take her for granted,
and don't treat her like another one of your past girlfriends.
Don't repeat your past.
Don't ***** this up.

Depression is an understatement.
I want to scream.
I want to break down every wall surrounding me.
I need to run so far away,
but I know escaping with no consequences is impossible.
I just need to get away.
I need to live and go on adventures.
Instead I'm stuck.
I can't escape.
There is no escape.

I remember what you were like in high school.
You hung around with the "cool" crowd,
but still made time for me.
I'll never forget your dry humor,
and the weird things you'd say.
We'd talk about music,
and vent about our toxic relationships.
We came from two different worlds,
but we had similar mindsets.
Two angst filled teens,
just trying to find their way through life.


Then we graduated.
We thought we were going our separate ways,
But we ended up in the same direction.
I remember smiles in parking lots,
your horn beeping to scare me as you laughed,
And saying hello,
Just to remind each other that we weren't alone.


Then life hit.
You became a father.
I got married.
Our lives were now nowhere near the other.
We lived in the same town,
but never saw each other's face.
And when we did,
we never spoke.
We'd just smile and look the other way.

Last night I found out the direction you chose to take.
They said you took a gun to your favorite spot,
and said goodbye to the life you once loved.
You left your son behind,
and all of us who are asking why.
I stayed up almost all night crying,
just wishing it was all a bad dream.
What I would do to get you back...
to talk about music with you one last time.

But I can't get you back...
I can't ask you why.
I can't make it better.
You said you'd never felt so peaceful...
but you left us all in pieces.

All I can do is wonder,
and look at the signature you left,
on a slip of paper in my favorite book...
when you were a different kid.

Last night I had a good dream for once.
I dreamed I had a group of friends,
who would do anything for me.
They stuck by my side through everything.
We laughed together.
cried together,
and overall experienced life together.
It was beautiful and crazy and everything I've ever wanted.
But then the dream was coming to an end,
and we all knew it.
We started saying our goodbye's,
and some of us shed tears.
It was as if it was all real,
and we all knew we'd never see each other again.

Then I woke up to reality.
To the life that is mine,
the life that is lonely.
I have a few friends,
none that I feel would die for me.
None that would see me as their equal,
and not as the weakest link.

Now I just want to go back to sleep.

My faith has been weak,
I have fallen on my knees
so many times.
But how honest was I?

I felt hate and shame,
till they both felt the same.
I've been so wrong,
for way too long.

Why did I look away,
or run at the sound of your name?
Why was I so afraid,
just to be saved?

After being so blind,
and falling out of line,
I finally see,
it's you that I need.

After all that you've sacrificed,
you gave your entire life,
just for sinners like me.
What took me so long to see?

My lord, I give you my life.
After all of this struggle and strife.
I realize I can't survive,
without you on my side.

You are the king of all kings,
You are everything.
Even after I have sinned,
I know I am now forgiven.

It's been four months since you made that decision.
Four Months.
How?
How has it only been four?!
I feel like it's been a lifetime,
since we've heard that laugh of yours,
or since you've picked on me and made me feel like I belonged.
Time seems to be almost at a standstill,
as we still try to figure out why you did what you did.
Four months ago,
you decided to leave.
Four months ago,
our lives changed forever.
I just wish we would've known before.
Maybe we could've saved you.
But here we are...
Four months from June 1st...
still crying those same tears.
Still wishing you wouldn't have left us.

What do you do when everything hurts?
You cry and you cry,
and it's like your ribs,
your chest,
your head...
your whole body hurts.
You want to scream.
You want to cry out to someone.
You want SOMEONE to care.
You just want peace...
for someone to wrap you in there arms,
tell you they are there,
and for it to be the truth.
Why can't it be that simple?

Innocent girl,
afraid of the world.
They have no idea what goes on in your mind.

They can't see the cuts.
They can't hear your thoughts.
They can't see you're at war with yourself.

"You're too good."
"You'd never do wrong."
"You're so innocent."

They can't see you're dying.
They can't hearing your crying.
They can't hear you screaming for help.

Innocent girl,
when will you tell the world,
about the pain you feel.

They don't believe you could hurt,
They don't believe you could bleed,
They are sickened by your "perfection".

"You've never been depressed."
"You're mind is so clear."
"You've never known struggle."

Innocent girl,
when will you show the world,
the scars you have from losing your mind.

Sew my mouth shut,
so the words don't come out.
The last thing I want,
is for you to be stressed out.

I will keep my pain inside,
just so you can breathe.
Even if all it does,
is suffocate me.

Within an instant,
my life could've been gone.
I still remember the pain I felt,
and the noise of the collision.

I didn't even have time to scream.
It happened so fast.
I had just enough time to remember the boys to my left and right,
then my head made contact with the dashboard.

I felt pain,
but I didn't care.
Those around me were shaken up.
One was angry while the other screamed.

We were okay.
Beaten up,
but okay.
It just seemed like a painfully bad dream.

"I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry"
Those were his words.
The guy who almost killed us.
I didn't understand why he did what he did.

His passenger was ******.
She could've been dead too.
She cried and I cried at the sight of her.
I couldn't be angry right now.

The ambulances said they were surprised to see me alive.
They checked me over several times,
because I shouldn't of been okay...
but they said "God must have been with you".

Then they told us why the man did what he did.
He was so intoxicated,
he chose alcohol over our lives,
and over his own life.

I forgive him,
even though I can't get in a vehicle without panicking now.
He made a mistake,
but I am alive.

But for all those who still think a drink is worth risking your life,
please hear me out.
Your life can be altered in an instant.
Whether you feel invincible or think you're use to it.

You can end up in jail,
end up being responsible for someone's death,
or end up dead yourself.
A night of fun isn't worth your life or anyone else's.

I received a message yesterday,
from an unexpected sender.
Someone I had not spoken to in years.

The last we spoke was in high school.
At the time,
I was dating a guy who loved to manipulate and lie,
and she was falling for him as our friendship grew.
We had a falling out,
after they both broke my heart,
and for so long I held so much anger for her.
I no longer trusted friends,
and I was insecure about everything.
I had never known such deceit.
But after we all parted ways,
I began to reflect on it all.
A part of me felt sorry for her.
She fell for him the same way I did.
How could I hate her for that?

The last thing I expected was an apology.
Especially after the bitter words we shared before.
She explained how awful she still felt,
and how she just wanted forgiveness.

It was a strange feeling to put something from the past to rest,
because so much happen that I never got closure for.
I had already decided I never would get closure for any of it.
I'm so glad I was wrong.

I have come to a conclusion.
I'm sure everyone will argue with it.
I argued with it at first,
but it's the only thing that makes sense.

I have decided that...

the fault is not at the hands of those who hurt me.
I am the one who cared too much.
I am the one who chose to love the damaged.
I just love too much and too deeply.

I'd truly be a fool if I expected to never be hurt.

I was in 7th grade when Sammie was born.
I remember someone walked into my classroom to give me the message,
that my very first niece had arrived.
I was so excited,
I almost cried.

Right after school my cousin rushed me to see her.
I remember she was so tiny,
I held her carefully in fear that I would break her.
She was the cutest little thing I had ever seen.
She even smiled at me.

She was premature,
so there were a few things that needed to be done.
She was a little sick and ended up staying in the hospital for awhile,
and because she was born only three days before my birthday,
I spent my 13th birthday with her in the hospital room.

I didn't mind spending my time there.
I loved seeing her sweet little face.
Although I hated when she'd cry,
and we weren't allowed to comfort her.
She was so beautiful and fragile.

Before I knew it,
she started growing.
She started out as a baby who just slept all the time,
and turned into a crazy toddler,
who often walked into my room and stole my breakfast every morning.

When she started to talk,
she began calling me "Mamber".
She couldn't say Amber without an M at the beginning,
but I didn't try correcting her.
I loved it.

Suddenly she was 5 years old.
She started talking like a little adult,
and she'd sing along to all my favorite songs with me.
She would sometimes push my buttons just for a good laugh,
but I wouldn't change a thing.

When she turned 7,
we realized she was a little different than most kids.
She had fears,
similar to the ones I struggle with as an adult,
and she could barely function because of those fears.

We realized she had anxiety and OCD.
To think that my sweet little niece had to carry such a heavy weight,
broke my heart into pieces.
I've felt the power of anxiety,
and I know the pain that comes with it.

Thankfully,
we found a way to help her cope,
and she no longer suffered as badly.
A fear here and there would pop up along the way,
but nothing abnormal like before.

She's now 8 years old,
but she likes to pretend she's 18.
She tells me she wants to call me Amber now,
and I refuse to let her.
I think it'll break my heart if she does.

She looks around my room,
and admires the paintings and drawings I've done,
and tells me that when she's big she wants to do things like I do.
I tell her that when she gets big,
she can do anything she wants to.

I never knew I could love a little human being so much.
Sometimes I pick her up and squeeze her,
just to tell her that she has got to stop growing up so fast.
She tells me she wants to be big,
and that being little isn't fun.

I know she will grow up,
regardless of how much I want her to stay small,
but there's one thing I will never stop teaching her.
I will relay it in her mind,
until it sticks with her.

I will tell her:
Keep that child-like spirit.
Be a kid at heart,
always.
And never let the world convince you to grow up too fast.

I love my Sammie.
She will always be little in my eyes.
Even when she's the age I am right now,
I will always see that little curly headed girl,
with the bright hazel eyes..

so ready to conquer the world.

<3

Helpless.
Hopeless.
Confused.
Broken.

I've given up everything.

Where do I go from here?

One more time.
Let the pain slip away.
One more moment,
with the razor blade.
I can't take the pain on my own.
I can't take this now.
I'm falling.
I'm losing.
I can't do this.

Most people find their selves,
in the simplest of ways.
I have not been so lucky,
to be one of those people.

While many people have everything
planned out completely,
I am still searching,
for who I really am.

Every day I become more of a puzzle.
I find myself,
in strangely worded poetry,
and old black and white photos.

I find my purpose,
in the old book beside my bed.
Although I've read it over and over,
I still discover something knew each time.

I find myself in the music,
not the songs on the radio though.
But the ones that few people know,
that sing to the heart and not the mind.

I am not simple,
or normal or easily figured out.
I am complex.
I am unsure of who I am.

I ask you to never break my heart.
I ask you to never harm yourself.
I ask you to be careful and cautious.
I ask you to be wise about the people you choose to associate with.
I ask you not to destroy yourself.


*How selfish of me..

She is strength personified.
She battles depression and anxiety,
and keeps a smile on her face.
She's been through heartbreak after heartbreak.
She has seen dark,
but she always sought out the light.
She's seen so much damaged.
Three car wrecks,
a boy who took advantage of her,
and a million lies that caused a million heartbreaks.
She has come out of it all with only a few scars.
She'***** her lowest point,
and still reaches for her highest.
When even the people who raised her chose not to understand,
she still kept pushing through.
She refused to give up.
She kept believing.
She always loved.
And she always forgave those who hurt her.
She is strength.
She will not fail.
She will not fall.
But if by chance she does,
she will get up and try again.
Because she is strength,
and I am her.

I'm such an idiot.
I make the wrong choices...
Every.
            Single.
                         Time.

I'm sick of feeling left out.
I hate being the unwanted one...
No.
       One.
                Cares.


I don't want to be who I am.
I can't be this person anymore.
*I'm.
       Shutting.
                        Down.