It always seems to happen at night.
It's been lingering around all day,
but no action was taken until tonight.
I could feel it creeping up the side of my bed,
cold and empty,
I felt it slowly take hold of me.
I could no longer breathe properly,
and my chest felt as if it was being crushed.
Tears found their way out of my eyes and down my face.
I knew there was nothing I could do.
There never is and there never has been.
This attack can't be stopped.
It could last for hours...
But I can't confess the stress it causes to anyone around me,
because to everyone else anxiety is just a made up mental issue.
They will never understand how physically suffocating it is.

Built in a home that pretends to be perfect,
I was destined for destruction.
I remember screaming at the top of my lungs,
"I HATE THIS!"
You all wonder where my issues came from.
I always thought I was born with anxiety and insecurities,
but now I understand where everything went wrong.
Because when you were suppose to be the one to encourage me,
you were the one to tell me everything that was wrong with me.
I blamed myself for so long...
and so did you.
You still do,
You always will.

What do you expect,
from a girl who has only known lies.
From a person who knows hurt
better than she knows herself.

She's heard every line,
every single false statement.
Then the apology that follows,
ever so simply.

Do you expect her to trust,
without any doubt?
Without quivering at the thought
that history could repeat itself.

She has seen light turn to darkness
so fast that it left her shaking.
She has been broken and bruised,
so much that her body aches without reason.

And you expect her to smile,
to laugh,
to relax,
and to trust with no fear?

Then that is what she will try to do.
Because she will not fall.
She will not be beaten down.
She will get back up and dust herself off once again.

Because when she loves,
she loves with everything she has.
She is willing to give everything for the ones she loves.
She is willing to forgive.

Even if she loses herself in the process.

Yes,
I am angry.
I have every right to be angry.
I'm so sick of getting trampled.
I'm so sick of caring for people,
only to get hurt and have it blamed on me.
They say it's my fault,
because I choose to give people chances.
Because I refuse to just view the bad...
I'M SO SICK OF THIS!
MY HEART SHOULD'NT HAVE TO HURT
JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY DECIDED
I WASNT WORTH IT.
I WASNT WORTH THE TRUTH!
I WASNT WORTH THE TIME!
THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!
I'm so SICK and TIRED of hearing sorry,
and then the blame being directed back at ME.
I CARED.
I LOVED.
I BELIEVED.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT I DID.
THEY LIED.
THEY CHEATED.
THEY BROKE A HEART THAT NEVER CAUSED HARM.
...

*Don't you dare blame me...

This heart of mine,
it's been through more than I ever imagined.
I never knew that growing up meant that I was preparing myself for war.
I feel like every bullet has been fired,
I've been shot a thousand times.
But every time I think that,
another round comes my way.
I feel like I've died and been revived,
over and over and over again.
I feel like this is my last battle.
If I lose this time,
my chances of being revived are very thin.
This heart of mine is just too tired to fight anymore.

I just want to scream.
I want to scream until my voice is lost.
I want the world to hear the pain I harbor.
I need to let go of every single feeling that suffocates me...
along with every emotion I'm holding back.
Because this heart can't take much more.
This body is beginning to fail me.
I'm not strong enough for this.
I'm not strong enough at all.

It was January the 19th, 2011.
I was 15, he was almost 16.
I had only ever spoken to him once online.
He was like a mythical creature that I found out actually existed.
He had been at my school the whole year and I never seen him before.
I remember seeing him look at me.
I thought his eyes were as blue as the sky.
I felt my face blush as he spoke.
Later he asked for my number.
We began talking and he immediately had me hooked.
I pretended not to care,
but I let him know how I felt the next day.

I remember it was January the 26.
The day I got home to see a weird text on my phone.
It said he was lying.
That he was nothing but a lie.
I texted him,
hoping he would have a good excuse.
That's when he apologized,
and said those three words.
The three words he knew I had never heard from a guy like him.
"I love you" he said.
I stopped.
I was young and dumb,
and he knew that.
He knew I couldn't turn away from him.

It was February the 2nd.
We were outside,
just talking like we always did.
That's when he grabbed me,
we stopped and he leaned in.
I broke away and hugged him,
I pretended to not know what he truly wanted.
He then held me in place,
and kissed me.
My first kiss.
I hated it,
but I told myself it was magical.
I bragged and smile,
but inside it felt like a hurricane had been released inside of me.
My first real taste of the anxiety I know so well now.

Fast forward.

It was July the 4th, 2011.
We watched the fireworks with my friends.
Everything seemed magical.
The one thing keeping us apart was gone.
I felt so free and happy.
He kissed me more this night.
Even though there was nothing to feel guilty about,
I still didn't feel right.
But I ignored it and we continued our night.
That was the night we started our relationship, officially.

After that,
things get blurry,
but I remember some things so well.

I remember spending time with him after football games.
We'd get away from the crowds to talk,
but he always wanted more.
Each time he grew more forceful,
but I was able to push him away,
sometimes...

Then I turned 16.
I felt this age would be better.
I'd be stronger.
I could handle myself better,
and no one could hurt me.
This was going to be my year.

I was wrong.

I remember the first time he touched me.
It was the first time my parents actually trusted him alone with me.
I tried telling him not to.
I tried to resist and say no.
He didn't care.
He continued.
I remember praying for it to end.
I didn't know what to do.
He said it was love.
I told him it wasn't okay.
He was persistent.
He didn't care.

I remember when I started going along with the things he did,
just so I didn't feel as broken when he tried forcing me into things.
Each time,
I felt as if I died a little more.
I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating,
but it's truly how I felt.
I was a 16 year old who never imagined her life would be this way.
I felt defeated.
I wanted to run,
but my feet felt grounded.

I remember the times I fought back.
I remember him continuing.
I remember him pinning me down.
I would've cried if I wasn't trying to hide the shame I felt.
I wanted so badly to scream.
I wanted someone to save me.
No one came.
No one was there.
I somehow fought t him off before anything too awful happened,
but my spirit was still broken.
I still felt empty.
Broken.
Worthless.

I remember when I found out he cheated on me.
First it was with a girl who lived miles away.
I was hurt,
but I directed my anger towards her.
I don't understand why I was angry.
I should've just let her take him...
but I was young and stupid still.
Then I found out he was seeing a friend of mine.
That was the first time I self-harmed.
Because he didn't care that I knew.
He continued,
and he said he didn't care with no remorse in his voice.
This broke me.
I had so long believed that he truly cared for me,
and he suddenly seemed to see me as a nuisance.
Again...
I forgave him.
Like a stupid little lovesick girl,
I let him back in my life.
One of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Things got worse.
He began to count my flaws.
"You're boring".
"You don't do enough".
"You need to put out so I know you love me."
Word by word,
he tore me down.
I tried telling myself it would work.
I wanted it to work.
So as the words cut deep into me,
and as he continued to get more and more physically forceful,
I continued fighting for him.

By age 17,
I was turned to stone.
I didn't see those "sky blue eyes" I tried fantasizing about.
They were now just ice-cold and soulless.
The things he said didn't phase me much anymore.
I still tried fighting for myself
but it gradually got to the point where I felt too exhausted to fight.
I tried making us work,
but there wasn't much to salvage.
He was destroying all the hope I had since the beginning.

February 2013.
We had been arguing one day,
the whole day.
He wanted to go to some party that weekend.
I knew there would be girl and drinking.
He couldn't be trusted.
I knew what he was planning.
I told him I didn't want him going.
He wouldn't listen.
He continued to tear at me,
with those harsh words he knew were knives to my heart.
That night he called.
We instantly began arguing.
"I'm going, whether you like it or not!"
he exclaimed in an 'I'm in control here' voice.
"Then we're over."
I said bluntly.
"What? Are you serious?" he sounded so defeated.
I loved it.
I then told him I was serious and hung up,
with no explanation.
I think he called back and I told him I was honestly done.
I then called my friend who I told everything to.
I told him how I was sad everything was over,
but for the first time in almost 2 years,
I felt free.

For weeks he begged for me back.
Even after his secret girl had came forward,
and told me he had been cheating our entire relationship.
He actually thought I would come crawling back to him,
and it killed him to have no power over me.
I loved having so much power over him,
but I was not harsh.
I just said goodbye and lived my life away from him.
Not once did I even begin to say yes to his pleas for me to return.
Even when I felt broken down and lonely,
I refused to ever even exist next to him.

Weeks turned into months and he was still persistent.
I'd get a text every single month from him,
asking how I was.
Telling me he missed me and still loved me.
Each time I'd just say something like "Sorry".
I wasn't sorry.

Fast forward to the end of that year.
I hadn't seen him in awhile.
My loneliness had somehow developed into unresolved anger.
I realized everything he had done to me.
I understood that he had destroyed my self esteem...
my self worth.
The next time I seen him he tried saying hello.
I screamed at him.
He never tried speaking to me again.

I'm 20 years old now.
I am engaged to a wonderful man.
We have dreams and goals that we will accomplish.
He tells me I'm beautiful.
He is the one for me.
His eyes are blue.
Sky blue.
The warmest eyes I've ever seen.
He's been with me at my worst,
and supported me through my best.
He is the one I was looking for when I was 15.
It took awhile to find him,
because of the guy with the ice-cold eyes.
But I still found him.

It's been at least 2 years since I've seen the guy who once broke me.
I seen his mom the other day,
she stopped and told me how she never forgot me,
and that she accidentally calls other girls me all the time.
She also told me that he is getting married soon.
Years ago,
I would've said something like "I feel sorry for that girl"
or maybe "Tell him I said I wish him the worst, okay?"
But I politely smiled,
said to send my best to them,
and told her that I had to hurry home to my fiance.

That's when I realized something.
Although I break down sometimes,
and I have moments where I wish I could just scream in his face,
and punch him,
and hurt him as bad as he hurt me...
at the end of the day I remember,
he has no control over me anymore.
I am free from him.
I may never see his face again,
and I am okay with that.
Yes.
He did break me.
But because I was once broken,
I found out I was strong enough to heal.
I realized that I am not weak like he had me believing I was.
I am strong.
I have value.
And I will never have to feel the pain he put me through again.

I'm so angry,
I could scream.
I feel like a fool.
I'm so paranoid.
So lost.
So confused.
How do I escape this?
I can't get away from this.

I feel like my hearts almost had enough.
After the lies,
the hurtful words,
and everything else...
I don't think it cant take much more.

My whole body can feel my heart reacting.
I get sick every night.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
When I do sleep, I just wake up every hour from nightmares.

I don't know how to recover from this anymore.
I've tried getting up,
brushing myself off.
But I just fall again.
I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Lies create insecurities.
They tear you apart from the inside.
You'll begin to question yourself.
"Was I not good enough for the truth?"

I know this all too well.
My ears have heard many tales being told,
my eyes have been deceived,
and I have been left feeling like a fool.

First I questioned myself.
Then I changed myself.
And now I'm unsure of who I am.
The insecurities have long set in.

So please,
do not lie to those you love,
because while lies temporarily damage trust,
they forever alter someone who once believed too much,

I remember when you were always there for me.
You'd keep me safe at night.
You always kept my fears at bay.
I could always count on you.

Then one day everything began to change.
No matter what I did,
it was never enough to make you happy.
You were always angry with me.

Now I've just started to distance myself from you.
Because I'm tired of hearing about the same things over and over,
and feeling like a burden to you.
It hurts to much.

I wish you'd see how much I've tried to reach out to you,
and how many times I've tried to express that I miss you.
But you refuse to listen and I'm exhausted.
I can't keep doing this.