Just keep walking.
     Even when you can't feel your feet.
          Even though you feel you can't walk
               More.

There are so many long forgotten words.
Words of radiance,
Words of love,
Words of hope.
The wind whispers them softly,
Stirring up the fallen leaves
And the fallen petals.
Sometimes the wind screams,
Wanting these words to be heard to all,
But through all the howling and moaning,
The world barely rolls in its bed.
The words are forgotten,
Aside from wind.
Forgotten, these words hold no meaning.

The wind calls again,
Begging,
Singing out the soft melody of
Radiance,
Love,
Hope.
The call was answered only by silence.
Longingly,
The wind cries again,
Hitting each pitch with perfect clarity,
Singing, but the silence again prevails.
The world is deaf to the wind's voice telling of
Radiance,
Love,
Hope.

The wind breathes light to the
Darkness the world lives in.
The darkness the leaves and roses live in.
The dark swallows up what is left
Of the perfection of the
Words long forgotten.

An opaque, calming breeze
Sweeps over the harsh days--
Covering the rainbow with a
Deep wash of indigo.
There is nothing more to do,
Fate, as written, is
Accepted.
Let the hollow envelop you,
Concealed from what the pain was.

Today I feel like blue.

I feel like I don't belong here.
I can't place it--
Maybe too pure,
Maybe too evil,
Maybe too ill.
Its hard to say
When every word flung
Wildly around is a
Contradiction.
Too sensitive,
Too changeable.
The balance causes so
Much cognitive dissonance,
And the more I approach my heart,
The more it alludes me on the horizon.
Colorless,
These words ignite a
Flame
Stronger than any pigment.
I am worthless.
I am a treasure.
I am worthy.
I am pitiful.
I am beautiful.
I am a fool.
I am genius.
I am every word they say to me,
Yet I feel like
I am none.
Their icy words spoken with
Frozen hearts
Set my teeth chattering.

Nothing can protect me from this
Impeding cold.
The energy is inexhaustible.
Their ranks are numberless.
The fight goes on,
Teaching me the person I am
Is ought not to be.
Destroy the anguish
Mistaken as beauty.
They take my heart from me--
Brutally beating the bruises,
Formulaically tearing the
Gashes open with silver knives,
A gray harder than the
Silver of the moon--
Harder than the silver of my heart.
I am bruised,
Broken,
Wanting to be gone.
And they laugh at my pain.
They don't believe me when I say
I have nothing to live for.
All I need to do is to
Live up to the low bar they set,
But that's never good enough.
The words bleed out of me,
Yet they remain unsaid.
They would taunt more
If they knew their wickedness.
Sleep saves me from this endless cycle of
Torture.
Engulfed by
Vivid of imaginations of who I am,
I forget for a time
What they told me.
Meet me in this innocent state of existence,
Escaped from the pain.
I wish I knew how to
Avoid their toxic remedies
And the poisonous reminders
That they own me,
And will decide who I am.

But poets tend to exaggerate:
Tell me how it really is.

It's like quicksand in the desert:
Some relish the attention,
The thrill,
Daring to get closer,
Finding a way to prove themselves,
But finding themselves in a place
They would never want to be.

It ***** them closer,
Pulling them away from the safe ground.
They forget who they once were,
Only living up to what others expect from them--
Want from them.

Plaguing every living heart and
Preventing pure friendships from being made.

How long ago
Did you list your priorities?

The small ones,
Like me.
Forgotten at the bottom of the list.

I do understand.
I am only a reflection,
Without purpose,
******* the attention of those around me,
The ones that worry about
Insignificant things.

And stop lying.

You have let go of me,
You haven't let go of the words
Or past.

But of course you let go,
You could barely hold on to
Your own sanity.

I can only hold myself accountable to the crushing feeling I have now.

Am I worthless?
Am I rude?
Am I dimwitted?
Am I belligerent?
Am I stupid?
Am I unrealistic?
Am I animal?
Am I satanic?
Am I destructive?
Am I corrosive?
Am I *******?
Am I abusive?
Am I putrid?
Am I lazy?
Am I selfish?
Am I narcissistic?
Am I devilish?

If I am who you tell me to be,
I am all these things.

Don't judge me.
You don't know my life, my circumstances,
My heartbreak.
It seems like people only care about
How they measure up to others.
They are disgraced by people who can't measure--
Disgraced by me.
But no one knows.
No one knows its me.

Sometimes I hate my name.
It happens when I hate my self.
Called out in shame,
No one had time to listen,
Time to hold me,
Time to care.

Do they know what they are doing?
Do they know the difference between put downs
And let downs?
Do they know that the pain they give me
Is worse than any physical pain I have endured?
If they do,
They don't care.
They live to measure;
I can't measure.

But,
How sweet it is
When I get called beautiful.
Who knew I could be beautiful?
Me, the blandest and saddest pretender in the world--
Beautiful?
I'm feeling of worth,
My world is changing.
What he says is worth all the heartbreak in the world.

I am wishing on a dream and shooting for the stars.
Why does that disappoint?
Why don't they understand?
Will they ever understand?
Take time to listen.
Perhaps
Down the road they will find these and find the real
Me.

Do not think any of these poems are finished,
This is just a snapshot of the heart.
In any instant,
The words make no sense.
I encourage all who read these to write about themselves,
Just like I am putting my heart into an unknown world.
Also--
Thank God for the talents He has given you.

Remember that elementary game?
The one that you say you love someone,
Then avoid each other constantly?
Like how the sun and moon
Chase each other,
Yet never meet?
Let's play that game.
You can be the Sun;
I'll be the Moon.

The Moon envies the Sun:
He shines bright, giving life to all.
The Moon's beauty is dull,
Reflecting only what she captures
From the glory of the Sun.
On the night where he runs faster
Than she can chase him,
The Moon cries,
Lost in the darkness,
Haunted by the emptiness.

Does the Sun miss the moon
When she falls behind?
It's not noticed if he does:
He shines bright either way.

Sometimes
The Moon wonders,
"What would it be like
To be the Sun?"
All bright and glorious,
With many envying him.
Remember one time that
She stood out,
That she proved herself.
That never happened:
She was only ever the Moon.

She shines,
But in no way is that
Good enough.
She wants to be with the Sun,
To learn,
To grow,
Just like everyone else.

But when the Sun
And the Moon
Meet,
Everyone is silenced into
Terrible and terrific wonder.
Is it right to be together?
Is it good?
Is it safe?
Panic sets in the Moon,
And they part as soon as the
Moment came.
Does the Sun love the Moon as
The Moon adores the Sun?
Does the Sun
Ever Miss the moon?

The Moon will never know.

I am a rose with petals falling
As soft as velvet
While a boat rocks
Back and
Forth,
Swaying to an impossibly luscious, yet a silent song.

The petals fall,
Gliding into a neat pile,
Unused but sitting worn out,
As if they were just sent cascading,
Wishing luck at a party,
A wedding,
A funeral.
The petals shiver at the thought.
It was not a good idea to think that way now.
The wind caresses the petals
And carries them far,
Far from where they were drowning in memories.
They were no longer old and forgotten.

As the wind carries them along,
The petals listens to--
And adds to--
The silent song
That everyone listens to every day
Without hearing its sweet harmonies.
That is why it is silent--
Except to the rose.
But the melody is still soft
And wanting to fade away,
Just like the rose did,
Until the wind retrieved it from invisibility.
The wind twirls the rose and the petals dance to the silent music.

When the wind is gone,
The petals fall to the floor again:
Abandoned,
Invisible,
Forgotten.
But the silent music still plays and the invisible petals dream of dancing.

Can I be every love song written?
Or a longing lost in your heart?
Sweet melodies and
Forgotten harmonies
Are the ampersands linking my soul with yours.
Sempiternal presence and wishes,
Have you found a rocondite?
You will never be able to catch a bolide,
Nor find Yoknapatawpha.
Yet why do I feel so close to you?
A la belle étoile,
Under the beautiful star,
Maybe I wish to be held
In honest, caring arms.
Serendip will come at last,
Cicatrix will fade away.
As I slowly saxify,
Will you ever realize
Now is too late?

Lost in oblivion,
A china doll waits,
Dreaming of the day
Another comes to play.
She only wants to bring smiles,
But too often breaks,
Wondering if cuts always turn to scars,
Wondering if all scars in turn fade.
But the china doll still waits,
Lost in oblivion,
Pondering the answer.

I run on this lake beach,
Crunching over old bones and
My memories.
What I wanted to do,
What I wanted to feel.
I see the flat rocks,
The ones I wanted to skip so badly,
I just didn't know how.
I never could.
I thought you could teach me then
Smile remembering you--
Then stop.
The words you said were too much.
I want to collapse next to
The pile of rocks
And cry.
But I continue onward
Hoping.
Wondering when I will meet the boy
Who can teach me the secret of
Defying gravity.

I'm not the kind of person you would expect to see
Wallowed up in pitiful misery,
But walled up behind this blue mystery
It is clear to see I am not at ease.

These hands almost need to destroy these things,
My feet walk daringly close to the fiends,
The heart I own knows not to lean,
And my body, prostrate it will be.

I'm stuck in a compulsive lying stage
Where I tell more than I ought to wage.
I feel like I'm lying on woody sage,
Or barred up in some terrible, foreboding cage.

I lie when I say that I'm alright,
I lie when I say the sky is looking bright,
I lie when I see you in my sight,
I lie when I say you started this fight.

Now this isn't about your love,
Or how hard you would shove
If you saw this situation from above.
It's always me I write of.

Now I want to take it all back,
But to tell the honest truth I lack,
Into the heart all truth can hack,
So better to leave this all and pack.

I'm moving on to Mexico,
Where the sun gets hot and the waves are low.
When I get there I won't be an echo,
It's hard to leave, but it's nice to go.

Tell me when it is all said and done,
When they bring back the linens and the sun.
Call me when life is more than won,
But leave me be when they grab another gun.

I own everything that's mine,
But even if I'm hard to find,
In Mexico I would longer hide,
Since all my lying you don't mind.

I highly doubt you could miss
Me, a girl without a kiss,
A snake, a cat, without a hiss,
Who can't amount to any bliss.

Seal me behind big locked bars,
A place without fancy cars.
Put me with all the liars,
Ship me off to a place like Mars.

But I can lie,
And I'm no longer shy.
I'll move down to Mexico,
Buy a new sombrero,
And abandon an achy heart,
On the hills of Mar's black art.

Tender feelings
For the one I love most.
Waiting here,
Wondering when you will take the journey back,
Smiling because soon you will be in my arms.

Our future together.
This still is a dream,
That someone can love and care
About Me
Feels unreal.

I can feel it in the way you look at me,
The way you talk to me.
Respectful. Genuine. Honesty.
I love the way you snuggle me.

Can you hold me now?

I live in an imaginary house,
Full of imaginary doors and
Imaginary people.
They tell me about the imaginary world,
Beyond the imaginary walls
Of this imaginary house.
I believe them
In my own imaginary way.

My imaginary cares are carried off by
An imaginary wind.
I dance the night away with my
Imaginary friends,
And hope that my imaginary sleepless night
Will never end.

My imaginary heart still wishes for
Imaginary love,
Which is now an imaginary wish,
Lost in an imaginary darkness.
I wish I was imaginary too.

The water is icy cold
As I press the sharp blade--
A dagger given to **** a curse,
And to take my love for you.
The thought bites,
So does the silver,
Burying itself into flesh.

How could I do this?
How could they ask me?
Why would I **** my true love?

The ones that gave me this burden
Were more like me than you could ever be.
After the deed is done,
When you look down on me,
Will you see me for what I've done?
I can't bear the thought.

I say my last farewells,
Bubbles and a kiss to the night air,
Then I step willingly through the door.
Better I go than
Destroy your future.

You look up one last time
Before the curse shatters my
Bleeding heart.

Could I be wonderful?
Amazing?
Beautiful?
I am invisible, except my mistakes.

I hurt.
I am invisible.

I hide behind a mask, masking my mistakes.
I mistakenly mask my mistakes,
Striving for something more,
I mask my invisibility.
But that is my mistake;
I should be invisible.

But people don't know what,
or why,
they do this.
Am I the only one?
The only person?

Others are invisible.
They mask their invisibilities.
They hide their mistakes.
They think they are the only person,
But that makes me the only one,
The one that realizes what
Terrible hurt there is in the world.
Who else knows?
I want to cry.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

I want to tell you what I'm doing right now,
I miss the feeling you give me when you are around,
And how you understand me better
Than everyone else.
I want to tell you my
Mysteries,
Secrets I can't bear to
Hold on to any longer.
The dark threads of memory are slipping
From my clammy grasp.
I want to give you every poem,
So you could see my brokenness,
So you could teach me how to cope with pain.
I just don't want to spoil this feeling:
A blossoming friendship
In the heart of a rose.

I want to tell you,
But I won't.

Don't get me wrong--
I trust you.
I know you could hold a secret,
Treasure my heart.
I've already fallen for that.
Maybe it's me I need to trust more.
Maybe if I loved myself,
I would have a greater urge
To run to you,
To hide those precious moments,
So we could remember them together.
I don't think I've been in love before,
Somehow this is different
Than the other times I felt my heart
Find another friend.
Maybe you don't understand,
I know I don't,
But teach me how to get through this,
Teach me how to find love.

Above the keyboard are hands,
Working hands, trying to create something beautiful.
They can feel out the words,
But they cannot hear or see.

Above those hands are arms,
That can hold,
But they cannot see either.

Looking at you,
You are not just something beautiful.
You are beautiful, inside, outside,
Even if you can't see,
Even if you can't hear,
Or touch
Or smell
Or taste,
Your heart can.

And create something beautiful.

Take a left at the willow tree
And picture an artist's brush
Painting colors not known to man,
Celestial images replacing the devil's handiwork.

I am learning to dance again
Even in this dreary downpour.
Rain can't deter me from
The sunshine of grace.

I will become an artist
And learn from the hand of God--
I will hold a paintbrush,
My new colors I will paint.

I stand on the corner abandoned.
This isn't what I wanted!
This isn't what I dreamed!
Wanting to collapse into a heap of despair,
I trudged on,
The tears raining down my cheeks.
I didn't do wrong,
But quiet heaves remind me of how
Ugly I feel.
I wanted something better,
So I guess I should be happy,
Abandoned by you
On the side of a busy street.

Wisps
Of words
Drift down slowly as
She sits,
Invisible and forgotten.
Huddled,
As the world caves down on her.

Even though no one notices her,
They all point,
Stare,
And scorn.

An outcast,
Not knowing the reason why
They talk about how
"Dangerous"
She is.

Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire,
Burning her the worst,
Third degree burns to the soul.

They never realized how
Close to the edge
They pushed,
Until she jumped,
And put out the fire forever.

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,
You simply can't.

Why?
You say I have the perfect life--
From the outside, I guess I do,
No.
You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am
Scolded because
Parents are stressed out with finance,
People,
Me--
Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,
Sweet,
Little brother-- autistic--
Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.
You have never heard the heartbreaking sound
When his anxiety grows and he cries out
In his own pain:
"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?
I'm so dumb I'm so dumb
I'm
So
Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,
Their own tired selves,
Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,
Beautiful,
Talented,
Everything you feel you lack in,
Fall into the wrong crowd,
Now contemplating suicide.
You loved her the whole time,
Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,
Like they did me--
Like I didn't get enough at school,
Never being able to tell friends from fakes,
So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--
One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--
There is none here left to ask questions,
Even the simple ones like
"How are you?"

Bring me a sunset in a cup,
Tell me the sky's great secret.
Give me a happy fading glow,
Inspire wonder within me.
Take my hand and dance with night,
Steal my heart in the darkness.
Make me a golden box of treasure,
Conceal the moment inside it.
Vanquish the demons residing here,
Deliver me from all the tears.
Strike the foes that tear me down,
Support me when I can no longer stand.
Write me letters when you are gone,
Beg for me when I would go.
Sweep me off my tired feet,
Touch my curious blue eyes.
Teach me how the world once was,
Build it up to greater heights.
Show how things can be put to right,
Love the perfect imperfections.
End with honor pure, and valor,
Begin the way you'd like to end.


Be my wings,
For I have none.

Limitless I think you are
Until you build a wall.
I have too many myself,
Help me make them fall.

I am in a deep dark hole--
An asylum of my mind.
It's better to be locked in a room
Where no damage can be done,
Where everyone treats me as who they perceive me to be--
A ****** lunatic.
I know this isn't my rightful place,
I know I sound so childish and
Narcissistic
To say these things,
But if there is no escape from your pain,
What a better place to reside?

I scream and scream for hours
In this nightmarish dream,
Without the knowledge of the darkest secrets
Hiding in the mist of all this black.

All the while the prince tries to rescue me.

I guess it's unclear if I
Let myself be trapped or if
You have trapped me in my own
Sick state of existence.

I long for the prince's arms to be around me.

We are all lost in the noise of someone else's mind.
No one can hear
Because the words are too strong,
Stinking in our ears and
Blocking the sound of true
Dawn.
Wishing,
Wanting,
Waiting.
Willing to wait
For the one who can hear us,
Even when we can't hear ourselves
For all the noise,
The noise that is in someone else's mind.

My favorite dreams are those that are
Possible,
Yet so unlikely to ever happen.

Dreams can be a random mix of brain
Processing,
But sometimes truth is evident in dreams,
Only detected by God and the dreamer.

Holding hands for comfort,
Even in dreams,
Hands give strength and support,
As well as conformation of love.
I hope my "happily ever after"
Involves me holding hands for ever and ever,
With prince charming,
The man of my dreams.

I know he is out there:
I dreamt of him.

A hidden closet piques my interest as I fall through time and space,
Clammy hands clasp the white hot memoirs of the past.
Unable to let go I slip faster than before
Addicted to the memories of things long ago.
The wrong I'm feeling caused by all unknown,
Pressure threatening to crush the feelings I own.
I have found the wall I built,
And crashed past the breaking point.
Lost with no direction,
I search for meaning--
Seeking out Orion
So I can live among the stars.

She grabbed the coattails of his jacket,
Begging her daddy not to leave.
He shrugged the wool garment off,
And bending to his knees:
"Darling, don't cry,
You keep this for me--
God knows you will need it
More than I will need."
Again he turns to leave,
This time clad in green;
"Daddy, I will keep a promise
If you promise me to:
Stay safe and come home--
I will return this coat to you."
He paused, turned, and smiled,
And kissed her little head,
Later swept away for a call to be answered.
But he never returned again.
He tried so hard to keep his promise
To his little girl,
But now twenty years have gone pass:
She still holds on to the wool coat.
And his jacket keeps her warm,
And his jacket dries her tears,
Just like her daddy wanted to.

U
G
L
Y

Slides off my tongue,
The words I use to talk to you,
And the words I use to describe myself.

The ink in my pen runs freely,
Staining the wood with new varnish,
Changing what was once beautiful
Into a blossoming masterpiece.

Seeing the world with more than words,
More vibrant than hues and pigments,
Feeling the depth of human hearts,
And testing the pull of currents.

What I tell myself while
Asking,
Covering my tracks that
Show I'm suicidal,
The pretty lies that cover up
The cuts I caused myself.
Wanting to cease existing
To the point no one remembers my name.
Hate and Numb
but i'm fine.
Please I just need to talk
I say to the darkness, It ignores me. You ignore me.
You were Always
never
There.

My feet burn hot
On the smoldering coals and ashes of
Other's sinful words and hopes.
We were made to walk this world of
Pain
With hopeful hearts and
Choice.
Will we succumb to this pain?
Will we give in?
We are not alone,
But tonight we sit by ourselves.
We are given a glass of failure.
Drinking,
Sipping and slipping to the point of no return.
Tonight I will pour the glass given me
Down the drain,
Where I hope my heart won't be.
I want to choose something more
Than bitter intoxication.
Give me trust,
Give me love,
Call me trust,
Call me love.
I will be trust,
I will be love.
I am what I need to be,
I will become who I am.

He said don't leave,
It was too early,
Nothing would remain.
He had a worried look on his face,
The first one she'd seen
And the first of many.
He said don't go.
Begged.
Pleaded.
But all she could do was turn and leave.
It was time for both of them,
And she was the only one who realized that.



*She cried every day after...