He said don't leave,
It was too early,
Nothing would remain.
He had a worried look on his face,
The first one she'd seen
And the first of many.
He said don't go.
Begged.
Pleaded.
But all she could do was turn and leave.
It was time for both of them,
And she was the only one who realized that.



*She cried every day after...

Spinning.
Faster,
Faster,
FASTER!
Fingers interlocked,
Arms touching,
Will you let go or I?

I smile at your smile.
Our feet step in time,
Oh so perfect time.
I don't let go,
Will you?

You wonder.
I wonder what you wonder.
If you asked me a question,
I will always say yes.
You don't let go.
I won't.

Spinning again,
Faster than before,
Gravity may tear us apart.
Will I let go or you?

Frozen tundra,
Snowflake plains,
Like frozen fingers
Reaching out--
Choking the warmth
From the air.

The water breathed ice
In the stagnant air,
The puffs clawing
At unyielding flesh.
It turns red and raw,
Thawing into the impenetrable winter.

Hate dripped down from his words,
His eyes,
They bore into the soul,
Painfully,
Frostbite to her heart.

Yet she also fought with daggers,
Her sharp tongue flashing the blades,
Cutting him and
Defending
Her chilly soul.

As things turned worse,
Physical weapons appeared,
And the child watched,
Their child watched as
The husband beat the wife
And the wife beat the husband.
The child dares not to make a noise,
Fearing punishment.

The child has already lost the ability to cry.

I'm in a dark room,
The noiseless sounds make my ears cringe in the silence,
The emptiness a pressing entity.
The surfaces are sharp and cool,
A foreign substance to this world.
The dank smell is also sharp,
Like pointed daggers to the soul.
A bitterness fills my body,
A sour savory on my tongue.
Everything is thick and sluggish,
Even the candle burned out.
Black.
And yet--
There are shadows on the wall,
Dim silhouettes.
I can see a glimmer
Shining through the broken door.
It's still hushed.
It's still bitter.
It's still empty and thick and dark.
But not so dark.

I look at my broken light and think,
"I can fix that."

The world is black and white
With a mix of grey,
Painting a purplish shade,
These crimson colors will never fade.
Tempered with brown and yellow,
No camera can capture the
Touch of a mother,
Or a golden sunset,
Slipping behind the green and blue.
The world is only colors,
The shouts of orange
And the soft whispers of the lilac
Tell of stories much more than the
Black and white.

Grey is the daughter,
The developer of color:
Call to comfort or
Threaten the foes.
In a word:
Both light and dark,
Hard and soft,
Lonely and forgotten.

I am gray again today.

Always I try to lead,
But my feet drag like lead,
Coming to my knees to pray,
Don't always keep the hunters from their prey.
Everything is falling, yet I will be okay,
For I know that sometimes
God calms the child, not the storm.
Hours of my time--
I wish it was our time...
Just wait for me, the dead weight is
Killing me, dragging me
Lower than it ever has before.
Minutes tick by,
No one sees me as I bid goodbye,
Only a minute problem though.
Perhaps I am invisible,
Queer, or
Rude,
Someday I may be better,
Though I know no one can buy me.
Unlimited is what I am,
Value cannot be placed on any one's soul.
Wounds will heal,
Xanthous sunshine will brighten the world,
Yet again at peace,
Zealous in the celebration of life.

Driving down an empty street
Full of flashing lights
Blasting country from the speakers
And driving way too slow.
Uncertainty in the mind
As hands steer, misguided,
Diamonds cutting at the corners
As the heart feels crouched inside.

                   ...I have never felt so *alone.

Right now I can think only about the one thing
That is real to me:
A stuffed bear.
Its fuzzy feeling
Reminds me of the good friend that
Gave me this treasure.
Separate from reality,
This bear does not deal with
Mistakes others made.
It cannot change
Like a person does.
It smiles with curious eyes,
A ribbon tied about its neck,
Seemingly preventing its first breath.
Sometimes people need to be more like
Bear.
Open to the world,
Curious,
But relatively unchanged by the environment
And people
At the end of the day.

One time someone told me I was beautiful.
Who knew I could be beautiful?
I hope he never changes,
Like my bear.

Do you know what I am?

A siren--
Destined to tip the boat,
Pull you off,
And watch you sink:
Drowning.

I want the attention
And the glory
Of being the unbroken one.

But watching you fall
Makes me shiver beneath my feathers.

Instead I let you swim for the shore.

I am your power
Unconquerable,
Inquentiable,
A moving lust
Taking over an inexhaustible dream.

I will be the last thing on your mind,
I will control every thought,
I am your desire.

But in the end I promise I will leave.
Your hubris is too much,
I could never stand against it.

You were my power
But now I am miles away.

I will never stop running from you.

I need
         Hands to hold,
                 Arms to hug,
                       Words to comfort,
                                  Smiles to lead,
                                              Tears to cherish,
                                                        ­Ears to hear,
                                                           ­   A heart to care.
What about
                                                           ­                             **You...
...?

Transcending tunes in
Dissonant chords--
Demons hiding in the growing mist.
There's nothing left to say,
Only too many things done wrong.

Can it be shut out?
I can't see past my hand,
Let alone past the mistakes.
You left me when I fell down.
I don't blame you,
If I had the choice, I would have left myself.

I'm giving up now,
Handing my white flag to the demons--
I surrender.
I was too late when I started.

Sometimes I wonder...
Could anybody love me?
Would someone care to
Take the time
To discover my longings,
Wishes,
And the secrets that I cover?
Would there be one that
Wished I would be the one?
One he could watch shooting stars with,
Not to wish his girl was one of those
Falling rocks:
A Bolide,
Gone in an instant.

I am a shooting star.
I shine bright enough
For others to take notice.
They always
Wish I was theirs to own,
Wish to kiss my sweet lips,
And wish I didn't leave so quickly.
But they don't have the resolve to
Stop me.
They lust.
They don't love.
If they loved, they would stop me.

Love is eating ice cream at a park,
Dancing slowly at a party,
Doing homework together while talking about
Cheese,
Interests,
Each other.
Love defines a personality.
Suddenly, your world isn't about
You
Anymore. It is about
Another.
You think about
Your other half,
Not yourself.

Love is watching the shooting stars
Together
With two mugs of hot cocoa.
For me, love is a dream away.

Sometimes I wonder...
Who can love a shooting star?

It rolled down the stairs...
                thump,
                         Thump,
                                  THUMP
Gaining momentum until it crashed at the bottom.

It was glass.

They should have known,
They should have felt the crystal, its fragility,
Evidently they didn't care.
They never did,
Did they?

The scattered remnants were left on the pavement
To sparkle in the sun.
Even though it was broken,
It was beautiful to passersby.

Sometimes I wonder...
                                    ...Are people the same way?

Would you be the person who
Willingly pulls my heart out
And turns it to dust?

Or would you be the one
Who is tender
Handling the fragile, breakable
Pieces
And fit the shards back together?

I will willingly surrender
To the greater part of my heart.

His world changed that Tuesday afternoon.
He ignored the shifting wind,
The roots of something else devoured
The beauty of the original.
Branches of distrust guarded the once clear way,
The path now dingy and dilapidated.
Wonder once misted where
Despair now looks to.
Melancholy instruments strung out of tune
And a haunting melody throughout the room.
Did he not feel the shift?
Or taste the sour air,
Or smell the bitter perfume,
Or even look at the avenue?
Did he hear the coming change?

His shadow casts pure black
On all he sees,
Extinguishing the light
That once was warmth.
He became as cold
As the polar bears,
But didn't have the strength to
Learn how to love.

She was a girl called Chowder,
Hopes hanging on her heart
And roses in her window.
Written up to as much as she thought she was,
She let go,
Let the blows take her back to the
Days on the beach--
The lake.
Her age too young,
But too confident to see
An impending reality
Of ultimate misery.
Every night she puts her feelings away
And every day she unpacks them again--
Hanging the hopes on her heart
And the roses in her window.
Claiming what she had
She dreamed,
She flew!
Like a bird she was away
Where the cold no longer persisted,
Away from where he hunted.
Out alone she breathed heavy,
Ready to start afresh,
Winning hearts yet wondering why,
And downing more drafts than healthy.
Again she enters into the memory
A kiss
On the beach
At the lake.

Chowder--
Return not to the past you dreamt of leaving. Enter into the future with hopes hanging on your heart. **** the rips he caused on your heart. Water the roses in the open dimmed window. Heap a load of joys in your life. Claim what is yours and what was never his.

           Chowder--
                   Take your wings and fly.

Nobody's honor
Should include brutality.
A heartbroken people
Fighting for a forgotten cause,
Shrieking children
Running from guns,
Running from fathers,
Defending themselves against the
Electrifying terror of
Torture.

Yet we hardly bat an eye at war,
Creating a vanishing sympathy for
Pain and destruction.
People hardly remember what it was like to be a
Human.
Just watch the news.
Just go to the movies.
War is now entertainment.
Destruction is now praised.

I hate war.

He told her he was the sky,
That he owned the stars,
And the sun, his eye.
She laughed,
Smiling at his ocean eyes,
And knew that he was truthful.

Now she looks up and sees the face
Of the one she first loved.

It would take a million years to count all the stars,
And I've been counting them for 18 years.
I ran away from everything and lost them all--
Now alone in the darkness.
Silent,
Weightless,
Free falling,
Lost, alone, scared.
I released my grip on reality,
Letting go of the only thing holding me to the ground.

My sadness is introverted,
My smile is fake,
The second I turned away
You couldn't see the wet glitter
Littering my cheek.

Have you realized how easy it is to lie about yourself?
Put on a mask and walk around.
You are the happiest person in the world,
Hurting inside,
Silently calling out.
Finally finding friendship
In the dark corners of your empty heart.
No matter what you think,
Everyone thinks you are alright
Because of the invisible mask on your face,
And the feelings you keep under lock and key
Never show.

Invisible...
       What am I,
    If not for you--
                         Someone to hear me through?

No--
     They can't understand
  And neither can you.
            Sometimes it is better
        Not to be remembered.

                            Deny what you said--
                      Hold these shaking hands,
                               Dry my tears,
                         Shape my heart.

        I'm sorry----
                   I'm more drama
            Than I'm worth in reality.

I'm looking for a
Guardian angel,
Someone who could be my
Crying shoulder,
Who would never try and change me
Or think of abusing me.
He would have me forget the person
I once was--the one I hate.
I'm still waiting for him,
Someone that loves me,
Not only that but would miss me,
Deeply so.
Like how I would miss him,
Like a flower in the snow--
Missing the sun.

I don't know if he will understand
How I internalize everything,
Or how I don't let my secrets go
Without a fight, a struggle in my mind.
But he would understand that he loves me
With a love that will never go away.

I am not me.

The hard truth of my thoughts:
I could never be loved.
Wanted maybe,
But never for long.
Never in the way
People drink hot chocolate
While watching the stars.
I am too slow,
Yet gone from lives too quickly.
Sometimes I read names and
Imagine,
What if I met someone who could love me?
Will he be everything I dreamed?
Could he stay with me forever?
Then I catch myself falling:
Flowers may die,
And I will remain
Forever
Alone.

Awake from the nightmare,
But bending again to the new one dawning.
Sometimes I think of you darling,
Wondering, wishing, waiting...
What would you do if I told you exactly what I'm thinking?
It's not what you're thinking.
Shove love back a page,
Mages can't lay their finger here.
Would you?
Could you?
Drive five,
Maybe ten hundred miles
To save me from myself?

I want to ask you,
Will I be the cause of my own death?

I will wait for you.

In a coffin I lie,
A sentence served
Of life.
Watch me sleep--
I will wake again in your arms.
My heart is cold
Until you thaw it.
This ghost,
This haunting soul,
I will not depart--
Restless but
Waiting...

Come to me now,
For death calls with welcome arms,
Sleep will willingly drown.

Time after time,
I might love you,
Until the time I let go:

Until I die.

Will it be OK when I can't feel my heart anymore?
Could I still love the harsh cries,
The deadly, lovely words
Meant for you?

Would you call it love
If I wrote you
A thousand poems?

Were we meant to be
Tonight,
Alone with only our thoughts
And the knowledge
We did it the same as yesterday?

I can't take anymore.

It's getting bad again.

Sing to me
The lost lullaby
Of forgotten dreams--

Maybe I can sleep this night away.

I was left alone in the
Quiet darkness.
Rather than peace,
I could have screamed and cried.
My feelings are too strong.


*At least I can feel.

Talking with the Devil,
There's a fire in his eyes,
With a voice of cold thunder
He offers me a prize.
The snake says he can take my pain from me,
Erase all the memories.
But what would I be without the times
I was not at ease?
The clever tempter acts a gentleman,
But he continues to pull me down in slippery sin.
He lies, he lies,
I try to run from him,
But the coils wrap stronger and
I can no longer see the sun.
There's no escape today
From the one who brings misery,
So I get down on bended knee
And then I pray and plead.
Get thee hence,
Get thee out,
And Satan runs away.
I am left alone for now,
Saved by the light of grace.

Last night--
You just being there.
I never want you to leave.
Kind,
Strong,
Gentle,
Amazing.
I trust you,
Completely.
The only one I do.
Making me forget who I was,
You make me better than I am.
I can't give you my pain-- It would hurt you.

Black and white flashes
Behind these closed eyes.
The echoes,
Growing too loud,
Pounding against the inside of this
Skull.
Crossbones. Poison.
What you've done to me.
It feels like every time I think of you
A hot knife plunges deep into this same
Skull.
Searing you again and again into my memory.

How do I get rid of that?

Just stop.
It's not your place to laugh or chide.
Stop now.
He may not realize what you are doing to him.
STOP IT!
He doesn't know, HE DOESN'T KNOW!
What do you know?
Does he go home and cry
About the stupid pranks and
Jokes you play?
Is it a joke?
It's not to him.
He is human and
He is worth more than you.
The jokes are worth less than one laugh,
But his life is worth eternity.

I want to fall in love with a boy who...

Unravels my secrets one by one,
Knocking down my walls,
But doesn't push too hard.

Sees the pain in my eyes
He would hold me close without a sound.

Just holds me.

Would see all the tears I have cried,
The ones I couldn't bear to shed,
Wishing to find the missing pieces of me
And to fix my brokenness.

Writes down my half finished poems,
Memorizing my fickle words.

Confides in me his weakness and worries
Listening to mine with an open heart.

Above all he would never make me feel
Useless,
Insignificant,
Inferior.

Figures out what frustrates me and
Figure out my symptoms showing I'm stressed,
Depressed,
Anxiety,
Crying.

Cares.

Cares more than anyone else could, more than anyone else has ever cared.

Would not be afraid to tease me,
Even when I tell him not to but he would still know his limits.
He would respect my wishes and requests.

Would be the one that makes me happy,
Secure, and
Want to be a better person for me,
Him,
And everyone else.

Loves music and
Loves singing, especially with me.

Chases rainbows with me and
Takes crazy weekend trips at the last minute.

Would love to create-- art, gardening, music, carpentry, cooking,
Or a variety of these things and more.

Debates with me--
Not argue mind you--
And have his own will,
So we could make decisions together.

Agrees with me on most things.

Is intelligent and wise,
So we could talk about
Philosophy,
Science,
Calculus,
Psychology,
Religion,
Law,
Etc.

Is frugal,
But would never count the cost when it comes to me.

Would never withhold his forgiveness
And help, always trying to make me smile,
Even though he would always make me happy.
He would change his ways to be better,
No matter how good he already is.

Would marry me in the temple
But be nervous before the wedding,
Worried that this might not work in the end and he
Doesn't want to break me like other boys did.
But he knows that he would always love me
And this will work if we work together.

When he smiled, it would light up the world.

I want to fall in love with a boy that could love me with all his heart.

I need someone
I wouldn't be afraid to call at
Four A.M.
Because I couldn't sleep.

He would sing me to sleep,
And cherish the moment
That I cared enough to call.

Midnight comes again
And I blink away the tears
Too exhausted
To chance my needed conversation with you.

Dive into the deep unknown
Blue
Of the darkening night sky.
I will be frigid in the emptiness
Floating alone,
No one left to hang on to.

I am the one they call beautiful,
Left in the glittering dust.
I wish I was still flying,
A bolide in the black.
I would be an angel.

Dreaming of the invisible,
Sightless,
Soundless,
Vivid images pouring from my heart.
I am too weak to handle,
But meek enough to learn.

I was once flying,
Now my heart is in the starry night.

Words are of no object,
Just like the past does not exist.
And the future
Is not foreseen.
Words have not object.

But to make the world alive,
Words are objects.
The past is reenacted,
The future is predicted.
But these are both lies
And both truths.
To exist is to be present,
To be in the world.
Words are present--
They disappear.
The past happens--
It is forgotten.
The future is coming--
But it always looms above our heads.

To make it exist--or not--
Is to choose your present carefully.
There is no gift exchange.
You-- and the universe-- depend on
    Words
    Pasts
    And
    Futures.

I'll admit it,
I was livid
When you sat next to me first.
Embarrassed as I was,
Again and again you were there,
But the more you were there the closer we got.
Now I thank my lucky stars
And God
For having you there,
Because God knew
I needed a friend
To my right.


Thank you for helping me along the way.

As I discover each one,
They burn my soul.
I trusted no one,
Only friends,
But those are the ones I should be weary of.

Yet you are still one of them,
Even as I am betrayed
Even as I pray to God
To understand why
After years and years you only hide
And lie.

I promise I will forgive.


Even though you hurt me...

Everything shattered...

                       ...But she refused to let herself fall apart...

...When she awoke her world was broken as before...
                    ...Believing the future and all it held, she wanted to be the one...
            ...Stuck in the middle, she felt like she was never enough...
       ...All the whispers *weighed her heart heavy...
                          *...The longer she knew someone the less they'd know her...
              ...Shutting herself from her friends and the world...
    ...She doesn't have anywhere left to turn...

*...Would you believe I am that girl?...

Were you taking to me earlier?
I have so much to say
About what I'm feeling
And how I'm doing today.
You say its not me,
But I know that is a lie,
Its me,
Not you,
But I will try
To tell you the cold hard truth.
I feel like I'm left handed,
Spinning out of control,
Or like a sinking boat,
Not knowing which way is up or down,
When I look into your ocean eyes.

Sometimes the sea is in turmoil,
Maybe I'm the reason why,
But you're one of the reasons my
Light blue eyes cry.
I know you don't mean it,
But now I won't lie:
My own ocean cries because of the thing you said
And for what you will never say.

But you were the only one
Who held my boat up,
Who plugged the holes and dried the tears,
I hope you don't regret.
I still cry,
But not because of you.
People have always been disillusioned
When navigating my ocean.
They say things they would never utter
To another human being.
Your ocean held my boat,
The others mopped it up.

My refuge--
The world is a blur of
Colorless colors,
A kaleidoscope of what never was.
Gray has even ceased to exist.

My refuge--
I never want to be left alone,
But that's the only way I can survive.
People aren't always human,
And they destroy whatever they touch.

My refuge--
Things are never easy,
The things should be perfect now.
Whatever I try
I can't ever do.

My refuge--
A peaceful darkness surrounds.
I would rather be here than
In the kaleidoscope.
The world makes me dizzy.

My refuge--
I'm stuck in the cold again.
Crying,
Nothing is there to reach out to.
Hand holds are too slippery.

My refuge--
I am just a problem.
A horrible human,
An ugly being.
I don't mean to make them fight.

My refuge--
It's all my fault.
I can't do things right,
I will never be good.
Silence now arrests.

My refuge--
Protect me like you always do,
Calm the storm and
Give me strength
To face the world again.

Thank you--
My refuge.

So proud and grand the great trees stood
While in the forest green.
Their roots spread far across the ground
Carpeting the scene.
Not a one went deep for it was known
That the tallest was the king,
That was, until the torrents, winds,
The trials took the lead.
The old and young alike groaned loud,
And shouts of anger heard,
But one by one the proud trees fell
And could not rise again.
They put on a splendor but didn't remember
The deep roots made them strong.
They spent on display but to their dismay
The king of trees grows stronger than they.

So when the wind blows and trials ensue
Cling to the king of trees.
He will not waiver
But ever remember
To strengthen your roots as well.

The forest grows grand,
The king is the anchor.
When the wind now blows
There is only music in the leaves to be heard.