I wish I knew what part of I love you was the lie
The part where you whispered it
The part where you called it a lie
The part where you ran away
The part where you promised stay

The loneliness set in
When I couldn't fall asleep
I had grown accustomed to
Steadying my mind
With thoughts of you

I laid awake
wandering my conscious
Dragging myself away from you
No, not dragging, walking

Away from something
I once needed
But can no longer stand
No longer rest my head on
When the loneliness sets in

I am going through some highly personal things right now, so I'll be gone from the site for a bit and I'll have to be far less active than I've been. I'll still try to get to all of your poems and messages when I can.
You're all so lovely,
WickedHope

If you come back
I promise to be better
If you come back
I promise to be like her

******* down your throat.
that's all it takes.
nobody has to know...

so fat, disgusting,
look at you.
i wish i weighed nothing.
how can you ever be considered pretty...*
...if i still just look like me

I have to write the things I can't tell you
It's been driving me insane
You treat me like I'm your sister
And you probably think I'm a pain
But thirteen years is too long to scribble your last name in note books
Play pretend with dolls
Daydream about a wedding that will never be reality
It's so unfortunate don't you think
I choose the wrong guys
You choose the wrong girls
They say I don't want to ruin what I have
I say I don't want to lose what could be
But how do I confess my love
To my life-long "buddy"

You have a home
Where people stay
I have a house
Where people leave

You have a home
That's safe to crash
I have a house
With too much crashing

You have a home
And a family
I have a house
And nightmares

You have a home
Filled with support and love
I have a house
**Where love has never lived

What day is today?
I haven't done much sleeping.
          I can't guess that look on your face...
     I pass right through you --
       Or you through me.
                                      ...The feeling is the same,
                                No matter the details.

          "The invisible hand,"
                                They say it guides us all.
            That, in combination
                                                  With your well measured affection,
                                           Is perhaps why I feel
                                                    so small.

Darling
Can't you tell I'm in a living hell
And you help me breathe

Baby
It's you, you make me okay, well
Slow my cuts that bleed

Lovely
I'm afraid to love, but I already fell
I wonder if I should leave

i'm afraid now
because what if you can't

                                        can't
           ­                             don't
                           ­             won't



you can always think you know someone so well
until you see the parts of them that are ghosts

                                                         ­   ghosts
                                                      ­      vampires
                                               ­             werewolves

          and let's not forget the DEMONS

                   because on the inside
                              i'm always  **Halloween

HOW DARE YOU YOU *******
WHO ARE YOU TO HAVE FEELINGS

He likes to pull out his heart from time time to time
He looks at it and weeps as it beats silent and the world turns
He kicks me when I'm down leaving calico purple patches
He tries to rip apart the one who brought him here
But for us both he mostly settles for the words
He doesn't care until we wrestle his heart out of him
Then he ******* cries like he's sensitive

GROW THE HELL UP
THE REST OF US HAVE

The Trial Run is trying to separate herself from the intoxications
brought by men but stumbles down the sidewalk home...
I stopped pounding my words into his back because
he doesn't have time to be broken by me anymore...
The Elder creates his faux world because
everyone but me has exiled him out of the real one...
The Proper splits and I watch it happen to him as it happened to me,
still happens, angels and demons we hide inside...
The Child runs after the **** ups seeing rainbows
but devoid of color because he think's that's what age means...

Save a life, of course
Pick you up, pouring rain
But get your beer-coated breath out of my face




Stop shouting, we'll buy your smokes
Putting your hands on her arm
Dragging your fingers to trace
My hands shove you back
Sit down in the back seat
You push me away

She's driving
For God's sake she's driving
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's yelling
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's whimpering
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's sobbing

Get your lips off her
Sit down in the back seat
We are on the highway
We cannot stop
We are on the highway
Sit down in the back seat
Don't park the car
**You can't park th-

I inhale you deeply
You wake me up
And make me sleepy

My hands all over you
But it's okay cause
Yours are on me too

Arms and legs tangled
Look at us, together
Broken and mangled

As I first taste you
I decide to sample
Each piece, so new

You are wonderful
Idiosyncratic
My kind of wonderwall

You said you cared once
I wish you'd keep telling me that
Instead of *there's nothing I care about

I miss her
And all the things she didn't know
And the mountains
Covered in the snow
I miss the way she stood
I miss the way she danced
How she could loose herself
Easily in a trance
I miss the way she cried
On the floor at night
Waiting for them to tell her
Being broken was alright
I miss her kaleidoscope hair
A secret screamed out loud
Something she was ashamed of
While saying she was proud
I miss the shy smiles
Hidden behind books
And the ones he gave back
When she caught his look
I miss her
And all the things she didn't know
And the mountains
Covered in the snow

Please, no
Don't go again
I miss my best friend

I miss getting hugs
Though I was ridged
Because you knew I needed it anyway

I miss the easy humor
Back and forth banter
Questions and answers for hours

I miss seeing you, talking to you, touching you
You were my life
You are my death

Think of me
Like a handful of twigs
Frail and dying
Held together by
Knotted strings
Everything all tangled
Twisted and dysfunctional

Just a bunch of twigs
That's me
Not branches, strong
Not leaves, vibrant
Just a bunch of twigs
Snapping apart
Strings unsupporting

He says to me,

You make it really difficult to talk to you.

All I can respond with is,

*I know.

He thinks I'm crazy
When I stop while we're in the supermarket
Because I love this song
I choreograph
And he starts to laugh
At my spontaneity
Yes I might be crazy
Even more so lately

I'm the kind of silence at a funeral
I'm the abrupt pause after the drunk passes out
I'm the silence after the twig snaps
I'm the quiet still of a corpse

I am riddled with holes;
Poked, prodded, punctured.


                                        Names called
                                        that drill their way
                                        into my stomach and thighs.

                       Words yelled
                       that dance
                       around my ears in pinpricks.

                                                     ­  Slaps given, shoved up
                                                       against the wall until
                                                       my arms are swiss cheese.

           Sinisterly sickening hands
           that crave more and
           leave my legs riddled with bulletholes.

                                                   ­                   What he wants
                                                                ­      taken, forced out of me so that
                                                                ­      I've been gouged with a knife.

The same knife I hold
against my neck that
threatens my life.

I can't touch you out of fear
I've been in this painful position before
And my already broken heart
Was partly why he walked out the door

All you do is look at me
And the wounds are bleeding
Healed for months
Only to break open
I'm on the floor
Crying out to the ceiling
But it doesn't reply
I choke out why
You look down and
Reach out as if to come to my aid
Pain shoots through me
Agony draws out a scream
This is out of control
I shrink away before you can cut new holes
We're slipping on the blood coated floor
Please don't come any closer
My hands become knives
My grip on my own skin is more than I can bare
My expression pushes you off the ledge
And you wind up beside me

Somehow
Before I blackout
I feel our hands finally touch
And I smile

I'm sorry I'm not 'perfect'
I'm sorry my hair isn't as thick as hers
I'm sorry I'm not as blonde
I'm sorry I need glasses
I'm sorry my eyes are almost black,
          not blue or hazel or something pretty
I'm sorry my nose is big and pointy,
          not small and cute
I'm sorry my lips are weird
I'm sorry I'd rather write and read
           because I can't sing or play very well
I'm sorry I'm not curved in all the right ways
I'm sorry I can't afford nice clothes
I'm sorry I'd prefer to help the community
           rather than get straight A's
I'm sorry I'm a really religious Catholic
           not a really religious Baptist
I'm sorry that we're not twelve anymore
I'm sorry that I'm not worth the effort
I'm sorry I'm ****** up
I'm sorry I love you
I'm sorry I'm not *her

Don't tell me to stop apologizing when everything is my fault.

                                        *everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

I am suffocating.
There are people with smiles and sweaters,
Asking me questions, judging me, pretending to care.
Sitting close around the table,
Trapped with no escape; pinned.
Looking my tormentor in the face, faking fine.
Taking hours to poke and stoke
The unyielding heap on my plate.
Bubbly mindless chatter -- external.
Dread and vile hatred -- internal.
My eyes betray my lie and show the truth I hide.

I am suffocating.
Under my own weight.

I am suffocating.
I am not better.

I am suffocating.
I am not thankful for stuffing.

no matter where i look
i can see my inadequacy
reflected in
everything i do
everything i say

everyone is worse off
with me around
why can't i just fix myself
permanently

if someone else isn't
breaking me
i am

I am the in between
The middle
The line
The bridge
The limbo
The paleness
The fence
The open
The link
The connection
The break
I am the in between

The first to be forgotten
The last to be seen

I watch myself
Dig my own grave,
Out by the place
We muttered over broken glass,
Near the rock coated in ash.

            Will you be here tomorrow
            When I'm not?
            Will you be here tomorrow
            When I've gone?
            Will you be here tomorrow
            Mourning, or moved on?

I see myself whisper
Goodbyes
To the still trees and the riverbank,
I am inaudible when it matters,
As I always was.

I wonder if anyone will hear the shot,
Or if in death, like life,
I'll be ignored as well as forgot...

I want to get drunk
                         So I can talk to you
I wnat to get durnk
                         So I can kiss you
i wnta to gte dnruk
                         So I can tell you
iwnttgtdrnk
                         So I can *******
Like you **** with my head

infected              neglected             rejected
defective           perspective          protective

He laughs at me

When I arch my back

Trying to get the last drop

He can have my arm

You can have my leg

He can have my heart

You can have my torso

And I'll be left
     with my head
     and the rest of
     my tattered body parts
           like always