You ever just sitting there
Wondering how you are able
to keep it all down

I put it all into a dot
On the wall
I stared and poured it all out

No more emotions
I stare
Thoughts in my head,
but my face blank

And I wonder if I'm the only one
Who has kept so much down
In the face of all whom I love

Who don't love me enough

It always seems that the saddest poems,
get the least likes.

As though no one wants to be affiliated
with you when you're in a position
where you want to die.

Instead of giving you a "like"
they avoid it.

Knowing they relate to it,
they isolate you.

And once you are gone,
they are the ones that will remember you.

And yet that poem will be hidden in the "personal journal" files,
so their secrets are not uncovered.

Their murders never put under trial,
and the perpetrators,
never convicted.

This is a happy state,
and it's called,
DENIAL.

I wrote it on my hands
I etched it to my soul
My happy place
Was taken away
Replaced with
His voice

But you're here
and you touched my hand
and made it all okay.

I can hear my heart
Though the room isn't silent
I can feel my brain
Running circles in a fray
I'm scared
Fear coursing through my veins
I take a breathe
And start the test.

If there was a distance to cross
I wouldn't take the step
I wouldn't start the journey
I couldn't even take a breathe
Couldn't say the words
and now you're gone.

One last breath.
A moment,
Fleeting.
Your face frozen
In my mind
an angel,
fallen from heaven,
and now,
returned.

I smile
I laugh
I joke
The door closes
I scream
I cry
I want
Nothing more
Than to die.

I can't stop
Your words
bring me tingles,
over text,
And butterflies form every time
I get a notification.

Your voice alone brings a smile
to my face, but it'll never work.

I'm just kidding myself thinking
that it'll be better this time.
That this is not the exact same as before.

For he left me alone,
and you're already too far away.

I want a passionate love
One that consumes me
One that takes me to highs I could never imagine

But love these days is limited
If you love someone too old, too different, the same gender
It's wrong
People move away

Things are spoken, and thus the magic disappears
Just as magic is expected to do

And yet, I want a love that consumes me
A love that rarely exists in this world
And I may never have it.

Music blasting,
Skin tingling,
Face frozen,
Eyes cold.
Am I dead yet?

Laying on a deathbed in heaven,
They said there was only happiness here,
forever.
Now all I wish for is
My heart to stop,
My lungs to empty,
To breathe my last breath.
So I just lay on my deathbed,
Looking at the perfect,
sparkling,
sky.

Staring down at my hands,
Quivering at my own sight.
My
      c
         r
           o
             w
               n
fell,
Though it was never really there.

Trees swaying side to side,
Blue's all I see.
If only it could stay,
Blue for eternity.

All my friends had given up
They'd taken the easy path
The one where straight A's are attainable
And sanity is sustainable

I moved my mouse in a different direction
From their perplexion, I knew
My complexion would never be the same

I knew that taking these courses
Would be no vacation
The certification was hard to achieve

Yet I got to the point where I wanted no more than to get down on my knees!
Plead guilty
For the crime
Of being in over my head.

I couldn't retain information
My mind was an augmentation
Of my imagination
A collection of mistakes,
Aches,
And earthquakes.

No more could I stand on still ground,
my knees shaking from your sound.
My heart pounding from
the inevitable loss of my innocence
which came derived from your
rejection.

My friends
the ones I held dear, my very own
Turned their face, shielded their eyes.
I was a damnation to everything they stood for!

For everything I tried to become
They became the opposite.
They fought their own, in the worst way possible
And I was left to battle my
impossible alone

Alone with the hours of homework,
And alone to face the very
housework we had built.
To see it crumble down before
my very eyes,
as I fumble to even close the windows to my soul,
as sleep is for the weak,
and I have too many bleak thoughts.
Far too many to ever be able to really dive deep
in this menacing society.

My school which shuts its doors at the very sight of me
And God who rains smog down
and it's not the year 2020, it's the whole future, past, and present.
It's our actions that will never be corrected
For we have had too many opportunities
And pennies for thoughts squandered into oblivion.
For maybe we should stop making
excuses,
and start accepting our fates.
For one day we are all destined to be gone,
yet isn't it odd,
that ignoring this,
that is how we survive?

Tears,
Roll.
Eyes,
Roll.
Egg,
Roll?

I fall.

I can't stare at one place for too long.
My eyes start to water as the thoughts,
wander my mind.
My brain is surrounded in darkness and evil,
as soon as I stop for a moment.
Even if it is just to think.
To breathe.
To be.

I can't seem to relax,
always on the run.
Stressing about something
THAT SHOULD BE FUN!
It's holding me back,
but I'm "not diagnosed,"
so I guess it's okay.
I guess I'm okay.

I never go to a therapist,
so I guess that I'm lucky,
I guess that I'm healthy.

My mind isn't empty,
so I guess that is good,
But the clutter comes at me like nails in wood.

I can't seem to stare,
at one place,
at one time.
My mind always running.

No way to
stop
now.

I asked you a question,
you never replied.
Tell me the truth,
please do not hide.
Your complexion is fine,
when you are not lying inside.
I know that you want me to stay,
but I need you to tell me that,
it will all be okay.

I love you and never want to hurt you,
But I am,
And I can't.
So I need you to tell me that you will move on,
that you will be able to get to school,
and still, have fun.
Please don't cry,
don't whine or look sly.
I love you,
But I must say goodbye.

I need you to tell me,
I need it now,
I can't leave without it,
Please,
tell me to go.
Tell me you don't need me,
And that you will be better off,
this way.

I need you to tell me it's okay for me to go.

Some days I feel like getting up,
others,
I don't.
I lift my finger off my bed, and I say,
not today.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice the small things,
like my eye bags getting bigger,
or the slight limp in my walk.
Maybe they do and maybe they don't,
that's not up to me.
It's all up for grabs.

I like to think I'm in charge,
but I know I'm just drifting.
People around me are just carrying me along through life.
I'll never be the person they all look to.
The "Imma 2020 president candidate," tik tok that people actually support.

No love, no nothing.
Drifting. Drifting. Drifting.
Some days I do my homework,
some days I can't even open my laptop.
It's not up to me, it's all up for grabs.

I remember your sweet eyes
your large smile
so good to me
so right
and then you pull me close
in the moonlight at midnight
and I close my eyes for a minute

Light
All I see is light
When I awaken its light
And I'm all alone

A note on the corner of the bed we slept in
I slowly inch toward it
I pick it up
Read the first line
and I throw it to the ground.

Can't take this.
I scream "SHIZZ."
Still can't believe it's all gone,
just like that.
Just like that,
my world ended.
My heart flew and crashed in that moment.

I wasn't ready.
I thought she was cooking surprise breakfast.
But she was
                                           just
                                                                            gone.

It pulls me.
I need to go.
I know you won't understand,
But the world needs me now.

Don't be afraid.
And know, anything that happens,
I will always lo-

And that was the day my world ended.

You're one of my favorites
A star of my life
Someone I just can't live without

And even when you're far away
I'll never wanna spend a day
not talking with you

Because I never had that perfect person,
that one who never left my side
who was always there when I needed them
and didn't leave me in the dirt to die,
when I was at my worst, they stayed, with their foot planted at my right.

So please, please.
Don't ever, ever leave my side.

I, for one, know I should be up and moving round.
Round
and
round.
And now and then,
I do, what I'm supposed to do.
But now and then, I also dig a hole or two,
so the odds of me doing what I am supposed to do are slim.
My homework's, in my bag.
I am looking, quite sad.
I don't want to do anything,
today.
And every day
goes the same,
so please don't make me do a thang.
Because I, for one, am having oh so much fun.