I’ll kiss whoever I’m with tonight
to take you off of my mind.
It’s not the first time
that I’m fighting to keep you out,
but I don't wanna close my eyes.
In the dark you’re all that I see.
He’s laying in my bed but I'm staring at the ceiling, reminiscing you.

I’ll make out with three strangers tonight.
None of them will make it back to my room
but if they did it still wouldn’t matter,
I just don't wanna be alone at times.
Need to feel someone else on me,
so I can stop feeling you,
so I can forget you.

Cause I’d run to you
even if you were just a mirage.
And I’d follow you,
Through a desert.
Through a blizzard.
Through the eye of a hurricane.
I’d run to you!

and it’s been six months,
we still haven't talked.
I don't know anything!
I miss being your everything.
Tonight I’m all alone,
no one touching me, I’m on my own.
I tried the hook-up thing but couldn’t keep pretending.
When I look in their eyes I just see yours, blue and green.
Where did you go?
Why’d you stop loving me?

It doesn’t matter
If I never get an answer.
If you hit me up one day
I’ll still remember your voice,
but I’ll also remember
how pathetic you made me feel.
Alone even when we were together,
looking back is bittersweet.
Fond memories and love,
welled up fears and disappointment.
I’ll always remember you, love.
But I won’t go running back,
even if I want to,
I won’t go running back.

but I hope that you do
I hope you’d run back to me too.

Negatives and Positives
they cancel each other out
We're at zero now
Tied on the scoreboard

Sleep deprived
and hollow on the inside
Bags under my eyes,
I was searching for something

Remember that summer night on the roof?
Smoking *** and singing RnB
That's the only place I wanted to be
cool thanks to that summer breeze

But that summer breeze turned into a winter storm
and it tore me away from our special place
on the timeline

I can feel us fizzling out
What was sweet yesterday
Now burns in my mouth

not my childhood
not my adolescence
kind of like a limbo
but still a crucial part
of who i am

i always knew that i would leave you
i didn’t know it’d be this hard
the only thing thats getting me through
is the thought of someday seeing you
once again
oh once again

where did you go
i can’t find you
i’m right back home
but it isn’t home anymore

people change
and so do places
but i’m still rooted in the past
the world is moving fast
yet i stand still

you always knew that i would leave you
you didn’t think it’d be this hard
i don’t know if you miss me
i don’t know if you care
about me, anymore

i’d like to stay at the door
if you don’t mind
it helps me cope
reminds me of cold winter nights like before
i left you
like before
i left you

we walked through the city at 2 am
it was calmer then
but still not calm
what else could one expect from the city that never sleeps?

we tripped in the park at 3 am
i was dizzy
you were clumsy
we fell into each other like two forced puzzle pieces

you walked me home at 4 am
i invited you inside
you took me up on the offer
neither of us remembers what happened after that

how come you and i can only be together in the solitude of our shared intoxication?

temporariness
is one of the most scary truths we must face as humans
everything in our lives is passing
the hair on our heads
the stain of a sharpie
even the sun
is temporary.

will your love for me be temporary?
will it fade when the collagen in my skin weakens
when my eyes no longer sparkle as they used to
when there is nothing left but an ancient soul in a frail old woman
will it fade then?

in short, what i am asking is
will your love be unlike everything else, and stand the test of time?

39th and a dirt road
     isn't it funny
          how you pretended not to know
               that my petals were falling

39th and a dirt road
     i was walking with bare feet
          my toes brown like the ground
               ***** and grass stained, tainted

39th and a dirt road
     i just can't get over
          this transition is killing me
               maybe it's better this way
                    please promise me
                         you'll stay away

39th and a dirt road
     acceptance is difficult
          the country is calm
               i need to learn to let go
                    if i ever want a shot
                         at a new life
                              so

39th and a dirt road
     is where you'll find me.

your embrace is no longer warm
it's not a field of sunflowers
or a safe place
anymore

now it is a cold winter storm
your arms are the gusts of a hurricane
while i stand in its eye;
we feign our affection
and the air can feel it.

i used to love summer
when it meant long hours of freedom
infinite days of fun
making waves in the pool,
under the sun.

now i dread the heat-filled days
they are a reminder of impending doom
and of past lives that i have lead
how i miss them.

but here i am today
sitting on my bed, typing out what barely qualifies as a poem
just a few hours before i lay in bed, swiping upwards on my phone
listening to background music
crying myself to sleep
all due to nostalgia
all because of the opportunities i had and never took
all caused by the fear i had to live my life.

so no, when you ask me what my favorite time of year is
i will not tell you "summer, of course!"

she walks in with the world on her shoulders
commanding attention
never seeking it
some stare
others glare

her smile lights up the room
even though it isn't genuine
her eyes are kind and thoughtful
but her actions are spontaneous and
her words are silk

she is addicting
one whiff of her and you'll want more

you are starving
and she's the tasting menu

she's who I want to be

don't mind me
i'm just a ghost of past memories
in the back of your mind
the could have beens
would have beens
never were

thats who i am
thats all i am.
which means,
that's who you are
it's all you are too.

There's a lot of meaning
behind this ****** cue

Hidden behind it
could be any number of feelings
and infinite combinations of them
excitement
love
pleasure
happiness
devastation
hate
sufferin­g
depression.

Yet we plaster it on daily
often consider it a mask

We bare our teeth
and hide behind
upturned corners.

I'm trapped in a glass prison
Isolated.
The red tears falling down my cheeks
Tears of despair.
Tears of anger and frustration
But nobody sees inside the thin glass.
It's only me.

Don't fall asleep
with your eyes half closed.
You're looking at me,
like an animal.
Oh don't you see?
It's a miracle.

That we're standing here
Face to face
You're my greatest fear
I'm looking you up and down
and left and right
But I'm not getting used to you
My breath hitches, I'm in trouble
I can't breathe, and I'm seeing double.
I close my eyes
Count to ten
And you're not there
I realize
I should've known
You wouldn't care.

I can't fall asleep
Knowing you're not there
I'm looking for you
In all the wrong places

I can't breathe
Life isn't fair

I'm realizing now,
There is no easy way out.
The truth hurts, but it empowers
My life, my struggle
Your life, your trouble.

i was never into all that crazy ****
or going back just to take a hit
let's give it up for the kids that are lonely
the ones that are scared
real friends so uncommon
so fake i'm convinced they're mass produced
currently trying to find my way out
partying on a weekday
i don't care if i get laid, or laid off
i'm finally breaking out of my shell
xanies with the girls in the bathroom
lines of that powder
and they say it's all right, harmless.
it's all harmless.

I started wearing contacts
and you didn't even notice.
You texted me an apology, saying
I'm your only one.
Telling me you love me
But face it, we're just angsty teens.

Tomorrow's a new day,
I'll be halfway across the country
Your lips another memory
And your eyes a faded photograph
Letting go, is harder than I thought.

All I want
Is another blueberry smoothie on your rooftop.
While the sky is changing colors
Purple and blue.
Like we used to do
I realize, I'm missing you.

My body's moved away,
but my brain hasn't moved on.
Whatever happened?

The summer breeze,
now a winter storm.
Oh purple and blue,
It's just blue without you.

I want to see your face
One last time
Before I, say goodbye
Once I leave,
I'm gone forever
And once I'm gone,
You'll see me never
Ever again.

So enjoy this while it lasts
This is hard, but it'll pass.
You're lonely.
But you're better alone,
Than in bad company.

Forgotten?
Is what I'll be tomorrow
A faded memory in the back of your mind
A distant echo in your dreams
Too far away
Never here to stay
We knew it from the start
Every second passed is a missed opportunity
The things we never did
An never dared to say
We missed our window
We missed our chance
The door was wide open
But I let you in
Gave you the world
Made you my world
And you let me go.

This wasn't the plan.
We were Bonnie and Clyde
It was us against the world.
But back then I was blind,
To all of the complications and obstacles
Did I give you up too easily?
I just wanted what was best for you
You deserve someone better than me
That's why I had to leave

I feel stupid.
Only I could be this naive
You're not to blame, I was so deluded
And now I'm left to grieve
Over all the could've beens that never were
What should have happened and never did.

Rippling pools, uneasy minds
These days, is all I've come to find

You had a beautiful soul
Our memories are so cherished
Your time I didn't want to
     waste it
I felt trapped in our relationship
I broke you and for that I'm
     so apologetic
Wasted my time, phantom feelings
     and alcohol don't mix
You're the one, that I wished
     I missed
Messing with your emotions
     was never my intention
I think I just craved for
     some attention
My affection I couldn't give
     you
Fake and shallow it would
     have been
Lies, the Bible tells us,
     are a sin
I truly did want to
     want you
But my heart was too dark
     and twisted
We had our opportunity, and
     I missed it

everything I write is filled to the brim with mediocrity

breathing your CO2 was better than air.

before You i was not living
You gave life to me
from the roof of my head
to the tips of my toes

unused to the sensation of genuine care

everything is vibrant and colorful when We are together
but when We're apart i'm drowning.

suffocating in the oxygen

Round and round I go,
Same story, different people

shamed for showing too much
shamed for not showing enough
over ****** warrants being called a ****
not ****** enough and I’m called a *****
so what am I supposed to do?
never leave the comfort of my judgement free home?
oh wait, that’s not true
mainstream media bashing the idea of individuality
sure they say they support it
but if they really did
would we, constantly, see the same features, plastered on magazines?
trends change quickly
and my body sure as heck can’t keep up
that’s okay though,
I was never one to conform to the societal standard
the thick thighs, “fat ***”, skinny waist, and *******
that I’m supposed to have,
but am supposed to cover up?
I’m sorry but if I had been “blessed” with those physical attributes
I would not be so eager to cover them up
and is “blessed” even the right word to describe
what so many women have come to despise?
large chests that cause back pains,
the unwanted attention and ****** comments?
maybe they aren’t so blessed,
but are rather cursed
that in a society like ours
we are taught to hate ourselves no matter what
instead of embracing the unique beauty that we are gifted
rather than celebrate the intricate details of our souls
and the crazy two A.M. thoughts that run through our minds
the stunning stream of consciousness that separates us from the rest
but unfortunately,
we have assimilated into one
bland society,
where variety is shunned
and everyone is the same

its distorted your brain
and now we're both insane
you're drowning in your whiskey
and i'm drowning in the pain
call me when you're sober
baby text me when it's over
the high says that you love me
i'm in constant discomposure

If she's loved, and given love
She's also been heartbroken

The devil takes the crown
The walls to heaven tumble
Civilization begins to crumble,
and there's no longer a difference from wrong and right
What once was left is now right
slipping away, falling into depression
and I can't find a way to save myself

I found a new muse,
he turned all the blues
into rose-colored hues

the music filling my ears,
with melodies nobody wants to hear
crescendos intensifying the sound and emotion
the lows, the highs, setting the tone
a story is told
beginning, middle, and end
different interpretations, but everyone has the same understanding
deep in their gut they know,
it was tragic-
the last note got cut-off, a cliff hanger
an incomplete symphony,
unfinished poetry
we'll never find the truth.

long black curls cascade down my back
******* eyes with no humanity

mature for my age you called me
said, it's like i understand much more than i should

but if you were me and i were you
you'd understand all this stuff too

What was once green...
Turned red...
And is now dead...

all these broken things surround me
our broken relationship
these ripped papers
the pencils that i snapped in half
that ugly drawing i drew

the pictures on the wall mock me,
your eyes penetrate my soul
they capture a much simpler moment, in a much simpler time of our lives.

I don't know how to explain this feeling
If you can even call it that
It's more like how to describe someone devoid of feeling
I lack the capacity to demonstrate emotion

But then does that mean that when I cry it is just for show?
Or is it that my body reacts externally but not internally?

I guess it's difficult to explain something you've never had.