Some days
It's as if I can't process emotion.
My heart is dying of starvation

Other days**
It's as if I can't stop feeling everything.
It's as if I'm full but can't stop eating.

And I have no idea what I'll do if this carries on

Unexpectedly,
she fell
one moment she was fine,
enjoying life
and the next she wasn't

Innocently, she believed that past mistakes wouldn't be repeated
she forgave those who betrayed her without hesitation
and her eyes were lively and playful

She was naive
and that is why she fell
history repeated itself
and so did her past mistakes,
those who had wronged her before, wronged her again
and her eyes were no longer lively and playful
they were guarded and careful

I've resorted to doing
anything to numb this ache in my chest
to trying anything to fill this hole inside of me
I've tried it all,
drugs, music, ***, art
and
nothing. works.

The first time you asked me if I trusted you, I said "yes"
The second time you asked, I said "it depends"
But when the third time came around I answered with a "no"
Because after all this time, how could I trust someone who lies, and omits, and only speaks with half-truths?
Someone who hides their feelings deep inside never to be revealed?
It's not that I don't want to trust you, but you don't trust me
And I can't risk another one of your betrayals, because it would **** me

I knew I couldn't trust you from the start

I knew that you would capture me and never let my poor little heart escape your grip

I should have known better than to let you in

I should have realized you would just walk away.

I guess,
That after you
I just didn't know
How to feel,
Or what to do.

I guess,
That I won't be able to fill
This empty slot
That's taken up my soul.

I wonder,
If my head and my heart
Will ever love the same,
After loving you.

It wasn't worth it,
everything we went through just to be together,
those Four Months of Hell.
Your previous lovers, your precious ogling fangirls, our difficult, busy schedules.
All those obstacles and yet we still tried.
For what?
For this?
This ****** excuse of a relationship?
I'm sorry for the brutal honesty,
but honestly? I'm glad we're through.
'Cause me and you might work on paper,
but reality's a different story.

broken hearts and broken mirrors
hanging on the wall
falling stars and rising angels
coming to demolish them all
all the dreams and promises
made to us
by all those loved
every time i see you
i can’t bear the weight
your eyes were my fatal medicine
they cured all the pain

now it’s all gone
now it’s all torn apart in pieces
now i stand alone
alone i am strong
alone i forget all the wrongs

acid to keep me company
hallucinations distract me from the pain

fatal medicine on the counter
my days are numbered
i can’t wake, not from this slumber
the walls cave in
and I can’t find myself
there’s no one to blame, i did this to myself
blood on the walls
windows stained with horror

my mistakes weigh me down
the price i have to pay is high
but i have nothing
so i’m gonna have to say
goodbye

Your brown eyes were always so colorful
Your lips so warm on my skin
Your arms so strong holding all my breaking pieces together

But the colors in your eyes paint a ****** image
The words coming out of your lips were knives that made me bleed
And those strong arms of yours no longer kept me together, but tore me apart.

i had plunged into an inescapable pit of darkness
there was no light penetrating the opaque veil of absolute black
there was no escaping the immense feeling of desperation that came along with the pulling vacuum
the darkness penetrated through all,
and it was the beginning of the unfadable misery we had tried so hard to evade
by doing so we had only prolonged our own suffering, which in effect caused the tragedy of human decline

everything humane,
feelings, emotions, living instead of just surviving
all ****** in by this vacuum
and all that was left were creatures that looked like humans,
but their heads were shallow

they were so consumed by greed that all else was secondary
betrayal and lies were all that was left
the only things keeping “order”

but when the truth came out
so did chaos

The stars are duller than ever before
The sun isn't warm anymore
The sky is a dull grey

How come I never learned the difference between wrong and right?
How come I can't see the world like you do?

Someday, I will recover
Someday, the stars will disappear from the sky
The sun will implode
And I won't be there to witness

"To exist in this world one must know pain.
Because to exist is to suffer."

When will the tide come in?
     When will it wash away the footprints you left in the sand?
When will the rain pour?
     When will it shower and clean the tracks you left in the street?
When will the wind pick up?
     *When will the breeze sweep away your scent from the house?

forever.
eternal.
ever-lasting.

our love was like a fairytale
we crashed into each other, literally
but crashes leave huge devastation.

i should have known we weren't going to last,
but hope kept me going.

you were never available
and i was always there

you said you would always be there forever,
i guess forever is five months

because eventually i fell
and you weren't there to catch me.

fake smiles
hide the pain

our eyes
tell our stories

and I,
have gotten
so tired
of living like this

I've been alone
for too long
loneliness leads to silence
silence has a harsh voice
mother of monsters
destroyer of hope

you were the whirlwind after the tornado,
you were the aftermath of the storm
you were multifaceted and unpredictable
but unfortunately for me, all that came at a price
i came alone armed with weapons, prepared to shoot to ****
my defenses were unmatched, yet without a scratch you walked through

and too late i realized…
the things you said to me, you said to her too
the things you confessed to me, you confessed to her too
the question you asked me, you asked her too

the difference between me and her though,
was that she said yes, and i said no
she did you and she did him
but you didn’t mind, until her stomach grew
so you told her, ***** you
back to me you came
to the beginning the story returns

but at the middle it ends.

my mind is a fathomless pit of scenarios and what if’s
unanswered questions lying around
never tested hypotheticals

there was a saying that once said “it’s better to regret something you did do, than something you didn’t”
but i wouldn’t know, i’ve never taken a risk
all my regrets are of things i did not do

lies envelop my life
glazed on is superficial perfection
how can i hope to get raw when i dont even know my own identity

pleadingly i stand in front of this stranger
i can't make out the details of my own face much less anyone else's

never loved anyone like they love in the movies
but fairytales and reality rarely collide
my mind is full of nightmares,
but there is no knight to save me

and i am not strong enough to save myself
everyday the pit gets deeper
maybe one day i'll reach the other side...

I kept telling myself we were nothing
probably because i knew that if anything ever happened between us
it would end too painfully
but i’d forgotten that pain is better than feeling nothing
because now the nothingness is tearing away at my insides
and watching you with her should be killing me
but it doesn’t,
because we’re nothing remember

I barely talk anymore
I don’t know why
but all I do is observe
and everything I used to not see is so visible now
so obvious
and ****, I can see

This one time,
you were home and so was mom
Mami and Papi,
we were all "happy".

You left for a while,
that's what I've been told
but you came back,
for me, for us, because we were a family

And then we left you
we went with our other family.
That's how I thought it went down.

But things are never the way I think they are,
because maybe if I were able to get things right everyone would have stayed

I'm your eldest daughter,
and I'm the least important.
One phone call every two or three months is hardly enough to keep a
father-daughter relationship don't you think?
But I got used to this.
I got used to not expecting much from you,
because if I were to expect anything I'd just end up hurt, like I was when I was five.
and six,
and eight,
and eleven.

I've never asked you for anything, ever
but I really needed this, I don't want to go back to the beginning.
No thought, effort, or emotion was put into this.
And I'm not sure what I'm more angry at,
the fact that I had hoped that you would send a note
or the fact that you didn't.

But you know what,
It's ok,
just run off with your trophy wife and replacement daughter.
I'm fine on my own.