Stupid, stupid girl.
You've always been the addict, huh?
Leave him be,
He doesn't even want you,
Doesn't need you.
You're so dependent on him.
You keep breaking your rules,
Not that you were ever very good at keeping them.

First you needed pictures, images -- to feel? --
Then words, delicate and *****.
Hell knows you've always needed pain
And more, ever since you found it could be harnessed.
Plus you've been struggling with fumes for years now.

He isn't a high.
He's a hangover.

When are you going to let go?
You need to let go.

Be real
Be original
Be classy
Be traditional
Love your family
And save me from mine
Tell me nerdy jokes
Make me snort out laughing
Let me adjust to your touch
Be patient enough not to rush
Remember the things I tell you
And open up to me too
Ask me questions
Bandage my cuts
Be my two A.M.
Be yourself
And let me be me

So apparently I'm a troll.
Funny, most joke I look elvish.
I think 5'6 is too tall to be a troll,
I could be mistaken though,
Afterall I've never had the displeasure
of meeting one in person.

So apparently I'm a troll, not sure why.
I think it has to do with some stuck up guy.
Can't we all just get along?
I just want to write and not be accused
of things that I'm not.
I think I'm done here, hope it's not too long.
I end with a sigh,
because I'm tired of this already.

I miss you
But I can't miss you
If I miss you
You win
Or I lose
Or something
And I keep losing
I keep breaking
I'm tired
So very tired
I wish I could sleep
But insomniacs don't sleep
When they throw away their
Lullabies

its funny how now for me,
my night is just beginning,
and you’re probably fast asleep.
i think back to that feeling
of being the only two people in the world.
its only two am,
and you are my only friend.
the emptiness always went away with you.

its funny how i never imagined
the impact one night could have on me,
the ties i’d feel,
and know that there was something real.
something with meaning,
in this meaningless nightmare i’m living.

its funny how in the here and now
i feel so far away from myself.
the numbness that you made fade,
it laughs at our friendship façade.
and all i can think is,
could i have been better off
without you in my life?
bringing me internal strife.

oh how hysterical,
oh how hysterical you have made me.
crying and laughing,
my head in my hands,
drowning away the emptiness until
i forget i ever wanted you to stay.
we are hysteria.
this is what you do to me.
don't you find it hysterical?

its funny how for me,
my night is never ending,
and you’re probably getting a sunrise.
and all i can think of is
perfect eyes,
crazy smile,
and fearless friendship.
that all came crumbling down,
and i don't even know how.

quietly
please don't look at me
fill me
with immense anxiety

i'm not here
i'm not real
intensely numb
cannot feel

unimportant to you and your day
please don't acknowledge me, stay away
the background - let me become
it's all i really want when the day is done

fade away, throwaway
is all i'll ever be
i'm impossibly unimportant
insignificantly me

I am a half-smirk grinner
an addict and a sinner

I am lonely and broken
a screamer yet soft spoken

I am dead serious
could be delirious

I am not one to eat food
on words I'd rather chew

I am a running joke
the fire and the smoke

I am the forgotten
lost and unwanted


I am the last one picked
I am twisted
And I am sick

Your laugh
Your smile
Your face
A joke
You never did mean
The lies that you spoke

I wish I was brave enough to give you some grand gesture
But I can barely use words without shaking

Why did I have to notice
     Your crystal clear blue eyes
     Your hair that reached your eyes
     Your lips that I seldom saw smile
     Your fingers I've been aching to hear play
     Your quiet

                        I love your quiet
                         I love your fingers
                         I love your lips
                         I love your hair
                         I love your eyes

I can't un-notice you
I tried hard to
*But I can't help but love you

****** freezing.
That's what I am.
Ice cold
To the touch.


Icicle heart
Skin cold as snow
Lips that are blue
Arms that can't move
Feet frozen in place

I can't love you
Can't feel you
Can't kiss you
Wouldn't be able to touch you if I tried
I can't even take a ****** step closer

I am frosted over
Praying for someone
To come along
And thaw me out

Take me to the days where we laid ourselves down in the grass
And you smiled at me like I was the only person who mattered
Before any of the suffering blossomed colorfully on the surface
We would talk for countless hours that felt like mere minutes
My favorite memories of growing up all have you
You made me into a woman
You will always be the one who held my heart first

I promised I do
But I do not
I do not want to be alone anymore
I do not want to wish for your snores
I do not want to eat alone, drink alone
Pray, cry, scream, fight alone
I do not want to sit in this empty house that no longer feels like home
I do not want to use my hands to hold myself, to touch myself
I do not want to spend time with anyone else
I do not want to wait here for you
I promised I do
But I do not
I do not want to miss you
But I promise I do

Hearts don't beat
No
A beat is something steady and understandable
Hearts don't beat
They pound and knock and shake us all
They cause us to trip, lose grip, and fall

I just want to be happy. I have countless reasons to be happy. But in the end it's just me every **** night, every ******* night, alone. And empty. And I hate myself. I hate myself with every atom of my being. And I hate myself for hating myself. I'm playing with needles. That's not really a metaphor. I'm just watching droplets form on my skin. Because I doubt the plausibility of my own happiness. And I've always loved body art.

I don't lie
Because
When I'm drunk
I can't
I can't lie
I forget how
Or
I **** the consequences
The truth
Has so many consequences
When it follows
A lie
A white lie
Can still land
Like a falling star
Looking so pretty
Up in the sky
But crushing us all
When it lands
Knocked down
By the truth
Don't ask me
Anything
If I'm drinking
Because I'll say it
Wrong
I'll say it
Honest
I'll say it
Crudely
Rudely
Quite un-prudely
And I'll laugh
Like it's funny
To hit you
With the two edged sword
Of reality
Not realizing
I'm gripping
The blade
With my own two
Hands
Coating us both
In enough
Honesty
To honestly
Drown us
So
I don't lie
Because
If I say it
Sweetly sober
Then
We're spared the
Careless calamity coming out crass and crapulent colored lips
Tearing open
Naked truths
I can never
Rewrap

I don't love George
I don't know how to

George believes me an idiot
George yells things at me
George thinks I'm fat
George says I'm useless
George locks me in a box
George leaves me there for days
George never goes away
     But I wouldn't want that

George is someone I can never leave
George hits me
George throws me against the wall
George scares off my loved ones
George is my venom
George blames mistakes on me
George tells me I'm wonderful
     Then takes it all back

I don't love George
I don't know how to

They've all gone
Introverts dream
I'm just sitting
With my eyes
Wide shut in the
Corner of this room
With my music
Blaring through
My speakers with
The wailing washing
Right through me


I am half beauty
And half beast
You deserve the best
Pieces of me, but
I was grown bent
Trying to reach the
Sun shining in
The far distance
But choked out
By all the weeds

I want to promise
I'll never hurt you
But I can't tell
You such cruel lies
I'm going to break
You apart without
Meaning to if
You let me stick
Around too long

Yet if you decide
To keep me anyway
I will clean your
Wounds made by
The world and I
Kiss them until
My lips crack and bleed
If you let me stay
I will make it worth
The times I am a
Destructive hurricane
By being your warm
Spring breeze


The music is me
I had to channel it
For so many years
Sometimes it feels
Like it's the only way
For me to understand
                                                    Myself

You just shot me in the chest.

Engines rush past
Blurs of siren sounds and racing red
To the source of the blast
A house is in flames
Ashes fall like rain
The only sounds are crackles and snaps
They aim their hoses
Donning helmets and all
But they cannot combat the blaze
Then a sound from within
Maybe a laugh maybe a cry
Someone brave runs inside
Shouting "I won't let you die"
Climbing and leaping through a seemingly sentient inferno
But they find her there on the floor
Naked save for soot covered limbs
Resting within flames
Crumpled and melting she smiles at them
Used matches raised high she laughs
"You can't **** those who are dead"
As the ceiling caves in crushing their heads

I can't be genuine in a crowded setting,
I'm not brave enough to be real here.
So I'll write you this note with hope,
That you might try to understand me, dear.
I can be confident if I'm detached,
But with you, I don't want that.
Instead I run scared from possibility,
Feigning confidence and sincerity.
How ironic that I've been most true to myself
Behind a screen when I could be anyone else.
So I can't quite communicate or relate.
I'm best speaking one on one,
Or when talking need not be done.
Yes I'm truly terrified of touching you
If the variables I can't control are more than a few.
Years of hurt, being used,
Years objectified, feeling abuse,
Has twisted me to want and fear you.
So please don't be silent, I'm really quite needy.
I've been quit on and ****** on so much,
And when I miss you, I miss you dearly.
If I love you, it will be fully.
I'm so dependent, so wanting, destitute for you,
I can't take twenty-four hours of silence,
It could **** me.
I like to be alone, yes, it's true,
But I'd rather not be alone if I could be with you...

Every time you look at me your raw soul
Comes out to consume mine.
Your sorrow acts like a plea
Tears enter my eyes, our feelings intertwine.

The irritated anger present within you;
Even vented without intent,
That also becomes my rage too.
Though perhaps yours came and went.

I watch you live bright and full.
It changes me as I come up from the deep,
The joy and happiness create a pull.
Now your momentary air of innocence is mine to keep.

As the tides are high and low,
So the sand is drawn with it.
I am the emotion of your heart overflowed,
My empathy a summit.

You whisper into my ear at record pace
I could walk away but it would only start a chase
I whimper as you grab me and pull me back by my hair
Desperately I cast sideways glaces to avoid meeting your stare
I feel you pressing against me
Cocking
Your head in time with your gun
I hate how you always get me
Soaking
Trying to drown out my hearts thrum
Casting my thoughts to the angry tide
Needing to avoid your wild rides
Your highs too high and your lows bottomless
It's been years and I don't see a way out of this
You huff a laugh against the column of my throat
My mind within an ocean praying for a line or a boat
The cuts have been too deep
Your blood's mixed in with mine
I wish I could find peace through sleep
But you're still there behind my eyes

Rip my heart out
Lie to me again
Nothing feels as good
As you ******* with my head
You say forever
But then you walk away
I'll show you who's leaving who
If you were smart you'd stay
I've crossed you not once but twice
Let's make it three times
I'm done being nice
You said I was pretty in pink
But you prefer me in black
I'll wear red to your funeral
And nail the coffin with a laugh
I've cried before
Over boys, girls, and men
Mostly for myself
Cause I'm still not dead
But for you my tears are frozen
My chest numb with the cold
Pebbled, tight, and hardened
My true heart of ice not gold

If I were a coloring book,
*          would you color in the lines?

If I were water,
          would you let me be still?

If I were wooden,
          would you light me on fire?

If I were an egg,
          would you crack me, boil me?

If I were a string,
          would you tangle me, knot me?

If I were lava,
          would you try to swim?

the hurt hurt hurt please make it stop i cant breathe anymore i wanted to call you at one fifteen this morning when i wanted to die but i knew you would just hang up or tell me to ******* so i texted him god knows why i choose him he helped some but ten minutes later i was worse and worse and im internalizing everything and im going to explode god i want to die last night i drew up five separate plans for suicide im not sure which i want to try this time but im so done with hurting my breakdowns and panic attacks are more frequent and i dont know when it was last this bad and im scared i cant compete with all the things dragging me down i dont know how to get back up and im scared so scared i want to **** myself but i cant but i might but i dont know anything i want to run away from everything but everything always follows me and i dont know how to stop the cold blood that somehow keeps pumping though my heart has stopped i feel like the dry leaves in the fall no matter what you try to do what i try to do i end up in more pieces so much so that you cant recognize me or put me back together yeah i feel like that nothing and everything and too many and im so alone empty gone gone gone make the pain stop i beg of myself but ive always been such a *******

I looked out the window
Why the **** did I look out the window
I dropped by your class
Why the **** did I drop by your class
You're hair is certainly long enough now
You vain boy

You certainly have the body for it ;)

I saw your allstars and skinny jeans
Make their way across the lot
When you pulled in late
Was I too late or you
I'm still trying to decide who's the bigger
**** up

Can I get a picture tonight?

I watch the wind tousle it
Like I used to want to
I saw your varsity jacket
Covering your 'Cry merch' shirt
I caught you later too
Staring at me from across the room

I don't what to hurt you

You snap at me more lately
I hope they all gave you hell
I hate you're perfect hair
I hate you're crystal eyes
I hate that I still care about you
I hate that I can't take back what I gave you

I wear baggy clothes so that I can feel skinnier.
I reread all of the notes I've saved almost every night.
I write really loopy because it's hard for me to let go.
I close my eyes and imagine things, constantly.
I paint with black because colors are too interesting.
I rub my face when I'm stressed, or I claw at my skin.
I wear my hair over my face so I can't see people staring.
I hate liquid eyeliner, insincerity, and pomegranates.
I love being in the rain because it stings, cleans, drenches.
I want to either die young or marry young, always have.
I try to walk everywhere I go so I can lose more weight.
I wish I remembered how to be happy.

I know your mama
       probably wants you to fall in love
       with a nice little girl from church
       and move in down the street
       and I know I'm from the wrong end of town
       and I scare everyone when I talk audibly

but let me ask you this
       haven't I dealt you the best little poisons
       sliding contraband books under the table
       have I ever shown you a bad time
       have I ever given you a bad reputation
       when you've been with me and I'm laughing out loud

and have I told you
       you make me feel safe and stable
       when you're arms are around me
       and that time you kissed me I forgot that
       I ever wanted to just be friends
       and your gold flecked eyes scream out to me in my sleep