How can nothing feel so heavy?

So this is for you,
i think,
i don't even know anymore.
i want to cry.
i'm trying hard to not to.
i'm scared and afraid.
i've had better days,
but the number is small.
i'm so alone,
i don't want to go home.
i think i'm done.
no goodbyes, just a gun.
too bad i love you,
maybe i’ll see you soon.

You are the only one who knows it all, everything I carry.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who I can be at ease with, completely.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who showed me what beauty truly is.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who could save my life.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who understands.
                 The only one.
And she is the only one you want.

Am I thin?
Please tell me if I am.
Am I skinny?
I'm trying to get there.
I'm dying  *for your approval.
110 pounds...
100...
90...
How far can I get before I faint?
Before I'm enough --
Not* enough?

When I'm crying at Two in the morning
The one who promised to be there
Told me to stop dumping my problems on him
Because they came from my head

Buy me a bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm trying to bury myself in the grave next to your hollow bones

Pace through the traffic back and forth
Maybe I'm blindfolded or just plain blind

Buy me another bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm tired of pretending I'm at war when all I want is peace

I'm staring at the stars, I followed your eyes there
Now I find myself praying you might shift your gaze
Maybe glance at me when I'm not looking

I'll take another round of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm hoping your skeletons are as dark as they look

Lately it's been too bright to sleep
I can see carpe noctem etched in your fingertips
Like a print: your identity

I'll have another glass of whatever you're drinking
cause I can't think of another way to get close to you

For I'm already buried by your hollow bones

I'll take one last shot of whatever we've been drinking
cause it has to be better than drinking the same old **** alone

FAILURE.** NO GOOD. NOTHING. WORTHLESS.
LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHING. WOR
THLESS. LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHIN
G. WORTH
LESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE.
NO GOOD.
NOTHING. WORTHLESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTH
ING. WORTHLESS. LOSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS. L
OSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS.

Sometimes I listen to songs

About regret and lost love

From a guys perspective.

So I can pretend you're

Singing the words to me,

Your beautiful voice that's

Always off key.

I am an idiot
I am too needy
I am too fat, gross, ugly
I am not worth talking to, looking at
I am worthless
I am meaningless
I am a hindrance, nuisance, annoying
I am* nothing
            nothing
                nothing
                    nothing
I am less than nothing
*I am not worth the wasted oxygen

I shiver
here
in this foreign, drafty room -
so sleepy -
feeling hollow,
alone and empty,
my thoughts drift to you.

Inside this ballroom,
off in the corner,
I feel my face start to
flush and flame,
and from my heart,
warmth start to radiate.
No longer cold but smiling.

All from
the simple thought
of you.

wrap this rubber band
around and around you hand

until it snaps or slices clean through

the tension a saw pressing deeper
the band longing for itself
wanting to be joined
but you've wrapped it so tightly
it won't come off

frustration,
anger,
nothing,
every emotion,
numb.
the thought that your heart
no longer deserves to beat.

you try to rip it
out of your chest,
the blood pools
at your feet.
feels warm,
running down
your skin,
the first real thing
you've felt in weeks.

stroke your own skin,
hug yourself,
pretend it's someone else.

cry.

This is                                                                  ­        going to be
one of those nights                                                        I hopelessly
                                                       wait
up for you                                                                  ­ only to be
disappointed again,                                                      isn'­t it?

When I close my eyes...

I see sunrise on the water
Or a hazy morning on 495 driving blind
I see a gun aimed but not fired
Or waves lapping over head with lungs screaming
I see a fractured reflection staring back of a girl who threw herself at walls, out windows, at people as lonely as she was
Or a toilet with a silhouette draped over it hiding the evidence inside
I see the worms in my mind
Or what it felt like to die

I see a writhing den of snakes cocooning a half buried body
Or a heart once stepped on and shattered, by the shoes you hide in your closet, stained in blood

Sometimes whispers grow into shouts,
Though the wind can carry both.
But can a message be pinned and sent?
The wind blows free fast and far...
Can I have the vain hope to attach to it
Heavy words to you from me?

why am i
so afraid
so stupid
so unconventional
so depressed
so hopeful
so cut off
so open
so worried
so trusting
so afraid
afraid
afraid
terrified
of every **** thing
every ******* thing
unsure
unwilling
to give myself
impulsive
inclined
to give everything
pulling back at the last second
he offered me forever
and i ran away
the truth hurts
hurts
hurts
i am afraid
so very afraid
to make a promise
for i fear it will be broken
before it's made
this is my truth
i throw myself into the mess
and rip myself out
to hide tattered
in a corner
i don't want to be broken
broken
broken
because it hurts more
to put yourself back together
than to fall apart
understand
understand
understand
this is my confession
i will run
if you give me a chance
i will run if you ever decide
to try
try
try
with me
don't let me run
i know you don't want me
no one really ever has
and i hold the blame
but if you try
don't let me run
hold
hold
hold
me close
and i will hold you
please listen to me
for this is a truth
you must know
i will hurt you before you hurt me
because that's how
i've learned to survive
survive
survive
don't let me break you
break myself
if you give me a try
don't let me leave after one night
show me it's okay
safe to stay
*stay
stay

Today is the day you last said hello
I wonder how long it will last
I'm turning my back to the sunrise
If I don't see it how will I know it has passed
But of course you're the sun
And you're not nearly done
But your light is dripping out of sight as you hurt
Tomorrow I'll wake and wonder if the days will still remain
Or if we will ever be the same
Yet 'till then I'll lay down my head
In my dreams you still shine
And I have to squint tight my eyes
Upon waking it is for you I pray
I pray your rays may glow and you I might behold
As the sun greets the day

I was barren
A deserted landscape
Full of papercuts from my house of cards
And a tree with no more leaves
I would watch the earth crack
And pick at the places where the ground split
Until I was isolated
I couldn't move
All I could do was think
A task best done when morale is not so low
I was addicted to feeling pain
Pain that I could measure and prescribe myself
I self medicated with insults and inhalants
Mockery and mutalation
Addicted to my meds is what I became
So addicted to sadness
I never wanted it to leave

But here I am
Clean and cultivating
The fruit that
My new land has produced
And now I feel good
Mind and heart content
I can finally love you

It's my own fault that I wanted you to understand.

Don't fall for me.
I won't even see you when you stare,
Never mind catch you when you fall.

Don't fall for me.
Because I'm not the air rushing past your face,
I'm the cold, hard slap when you hit the dirt.

Don't fall for me.
Love songs and serenades only meet my deaf ears,
Mountain top shouts, the result'd bring you to tears.


Don't fall for me.
I'm not the type to notice,
I'm not the type to feel the same.

She asked for tonight and he was ready for forever
So he just held her while the window shutters shook

She muttered in her sleep and he called her name when he was awake
So she said his back because he made her heart beat faster

She stood calf deep in the wind and snow and he wished her inside
So he stepped into the storm and was just in time to see her collapse

She was the only one he wanted and he was the only one around for her
So she let him bring her inside and he held her for another night

She woke in his arms once more
                           He dreamt of their together days and always
But his sleeping face scared her
                           But he was unaware of her uncertainties

So she left at his side a note to replace her
                           And he wasn't sure where to look for her this time

               But                                                                  ­           While
She had after all only asked for tonight                   He was ready for forever

I miss the boy
               Who would reassure me

        But then again I'd bet

You miss the girl*
               Who didn't need reassurance

I'm afraid to ask
for fear of disappointment
but do you remember
what you meant to me
you pervert
in the back of the room
all the ***** jokes
they changed
into prayers
not too sure which
I miss more
dancing in the bowling alley
your contacts traded for
glasses that are a turn on
the beach
with me wearing
your pants
on the subway home
no flashlights in the dark
tripping into each other
on through the orchard
my cheek brushing
your unshaven face
me clasped tight
not wanting to let go
do you remember
the conversations we had
how could you
just let go so easily
and start a new life
when you're the only one I ever had

Accidentally slipped arsenic in my tea
Showed me how to drink poison, twice

Left me to the wolves, me, still a lamb

Painted a mask on a broken face
Blame me as it chips off and truth is seen

As you look into your one-way mirror
You frown when you can see your reflection
Me lost somewhere beneath the shards of glass

As you begin to rot, and blossom still
I try to quit my tea as your body fails you

Why'd you have to drop it?

**** thing wasn't already broken enough?

"Don't touch me...*"

But that's all I want
Touch me
Please just touch me
Even though I'm fractured and broken it's all I want
You frame my face in your hands and call me beautiful
But you've never asked why I wear warm clothes year round
I want you to touch me
Down my side beneath my sweater
Over my thighs seemingly permanently masked by dark jeans
Across my stomach and around my back
Touch me
Trace all these fractured cracks that were abandoned
Abandoned and called imperfect when my title was taken from me
You call me beautiful to my face
But can you say it to all of me
Touch me
And show me what I mean to you

I'm sorry* your inbox is all me
I'm sorry I'm so **** needy
I'm sorry I'm afraid of everyone leaving
I'm sorry I say yes and then I say no
I'm sorry I beg you to stay then I go
I'm sorry I'm the sun then the moon
I'm sorry I'm so confused
I'm sorry I'm addicted to abuse
I'm sorry I hate being used
I'm sorry  I'm toxic
I'm sorry  I'm me

I seem happy                                         I don't feel
I am lazy                                                I have no will to care
I have it all figured out                        I am utterly lost
I have a hundred friends                     I can't find one that's authentic
I believe in God                                     I have faith that constantly wavers
I have a loving family                          I think that's a great joke
I don't care what people think            I am paranoid and pressured
I am sweet, kind                                    I am a cruel, selfish, heartless *****
I am another girl                                   *I am not real

This cage I keep myself in,
Out of habit I call it life.
I've come close to escape --
By both rope and knife.

I pace and I chase
Me and Myself,
Wishing to be
Almost anyone else.

Oh, babe, I'm so sorry.
You've come back but now
I'm the one leaving.
Of me breathing --
             *I don't know how

Why do I do that?
Why am I so abnormal?
I go to speak,
And my voice creaks,
And my face flushes red.
So I over correct,
Too loud, too direct,
Desperately avoiding the tears I'll shed.

I left feathers on your pillow
           and you threw them away

I whistled a song outside your window
           and you closed the blinds

I tried to build a soft place for you to lay
           but you stepped on it

I thought you loved birds