Idiotic girl,
ranting in the form of a sentence
in this forum full of nonsense
about how an old friend
felt her up despite knowing
she has sexaul trauma issues...
but that's just her post today.
Tomorrow there will be something
else that actually triggers me,
but she doesn't care about that possibility,
does she?

Even if the golden jellyfish are disappearing
I'll always have one with me.
The best one out of them all,
has never left or let me fall.
If I sank deep enough before,
their lake would've consumed me;
left me poisoned and faded.
but with him I'm unafraid
I'll drown in his arms
before I worry about pointless things.

I'm completely comfortable, but I'm not.*

I'm sinking into my bed, under warm blankets with happy thoughts of us.
Until I remember... you're not beside me. My heart aches as I'm reminded of how comfortably uncomfortable I am. Knowing you're not holding me now, but you are.

I see you over there
Across the field from me
Why're you so far away,
Is this really just a dream?

The distance between us is closing
My heart is beginning to race
then I hear my alarm
and now I wear a sad face.

The jellyfish you drew
that are on my wall keep moving.
They float higher and higher
until they're on the ceiling, above me.
I can't stop thinking about you.

I haven't been sleeping as easy as I usually do.

In my dreams
we're surrounded
at the bottom of the ocean
by a school of fish.
We're holding hands
and embracing all of it.
The light barley shining through
as the current indecisively moves,
The ocean may be deep
and sometimes spooky
but at least I'm swimming through it
with you.

We said goodnight
Only an hour ago
My heart feels tight,
Where does the time go?

It'll only be a while longer
Before we'll be together
I know there's bruises
And scars on us too...

But I know we'll make it through.

You make my heart melt
Just by laughing with me
I can only imagine how I'll feel
While you're hugging me.

I want to hold your hand.

tears keep falling
and I'm unsure why
there are bottled up feelings
deep down inside.
This usually doesn't occur
at least not to me,
I mean sometimes I'll cry
but not continuously...
I miss so many
and the past sometimes,
can hit me.
I feel excitement for the future,
a future that has us together.
Now my throat is hurting
from this unwanted weather.

Well it looks like I'm back in Hell
trapped within the walls that they
say I should be call-ing my home
but no, this place isn't a home to me
no where with you can ever be.

I don't want to be helpess anymore,
It was easier, I'll no longer ignore-
How I always asked your thoughts,
How I vented and never stopped.

The things I regret now feel more real,
I wish we just could've hung out;
Been normal friends,
but I was afraid to be myself.

I learned to stay down and not get up,
I'd pace my room in fantasies
Until I learned to que up
Validation felt like a drug

But now what I regret most
Is not giving you a hug,
Spilling my every thought,
And betraying you

Now you're gone

I don't want to be without you anymore.
You were someone who evened out my scores.
I need you to stay by my side, no matter what.
Don't leave me alone tonight.

"I don't care if we're in some ****** *** apartment.
Laying on a worn out mattress."
With you, I don't have to hide.
I hate myself for taking so long to notice.

I'm sorry, the future wasn't my main focus.
But now I know I can make it.
But I only want to make it with you.
Don't say that we're through.

Take me with you.

Silent nights
Restless eyes
Quiet dreams
Capture me
Sad girl
Melodic laugh
Dreary eyes
Questionable past
Drenched in pain
Screaming skin
Wrapped up in
depression,
she is.

I relive the day that you left,
Everytime I walk inside,
My heart cries.
Even though you're gone now,
I still think of you as my best friend.
Even if you don't remember,
All of the time that we spent together,
I do.

robotic
demon
that can
sound like
a kid or a man
or a dog or a wo-
man. Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Know that I love you.



PS,

Woof



PSS,

Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.H­a.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha­.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.

♥

Grab my face in your hands,
And kiss me as if the Sun were pulling us in.
Imagine it's really the end,
And hold me close to you.
Now we're trapped inside of a flooding room..
When you see me, for the first time..
(When I see you, for the first time..)
Pull me into your arms and don't let go.
(I'll pull you close to me, and refuse to let you go.)
But just know, it's only because I love you so..

My phone buzzes and I jump
sometimes out of excitement,
sometimes out of fear,
sometimes I don't move at all
due to being sad or feeling down,
the buzz ends up ignored.

There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.

I'm awake once again,
In the middle of the night
I can't get back to sleep
I don't feel too alright,

I'm shaking and tired
I wish you were here
My head is spinning
Is this out of fear?

Sitting at the table with these people who claim they're my family
We're not complete right now there are people who're missing
I don't want to be near any of you so please leave me
You all have hurt me so many times in fact too many
Anxiety is real if you don't know that then you can't know me,
So stop pretending and let me carry on my plan of  not existing.

I want to unfold,
Stand and raise up
I'll stretch so far,
I'll touch the moon and sun.

Every star will fall,
Crashing through me
I'll never collapse again
I'll never feel the burning left by shame.

I'll expand into space's darkness
I'll know just how everything's connected
and feel I'm home once more,
and never hide my own galaxies.

I'll become space dust.

Please be patient with me,
I know, sometimes I get angry
over rather stupid things.
Usually because I want your time,
your affection...
I know in the end,
we're not disconnected.

Last night I shoved a bottle of Advil down my throat as I cried, begging my insides to stop hurting, pleading for my heart to stop threatening to stop loving. Please God do not make me do this
I don't want to end it
I did love him
tell me where I went wrong
stop hurting
I regurgitate the pills and cry harder
this is not the way to handle my emotions
you need to stop hurting yourself
you've been so happy
what went wrong Rebecca?

Everything is fine
just close your eyes.
Slowly drift away
don't worry about a thing.
Once you're asleep,
those feelings will melt away
and you will wake up
in a brand new day.

You could tell me anything
And I'd believe you always
"Rebecca you're left handed."
"Oh, I never noticed, really?"

"Oh, wait..."
Yeah, I'd probably fall for it.
I'd take the bait,
but it's only because I trust you,
and believe the things you say.

I know, it's four in the morning
and I should be sleeping,
but these thoughts I keep thinking,
they just go on endlessly.
I think about my past
and how I got to where I am,
who I want to be become,
and who I love being with.
I think about how I've grown
and about how my dog has grown  
I think of conversations I can't remember the endings to
and I remember the worst parts
of everything too.
I wonder how my distant family is doing
and whether or not they think of me too?
But near the end of this sequence
I always come back to me and you.
So you see, there are things
that keep me up late at night,
it probably would help if I just closed my eyes.

What the **** is wrong with me?
I'm itching at my skin
trying to keep out of
this snare that is baiting me in
I'm so paranoid, I'm not sure
where I should start to begin
anything that moves inside of
this tiny room that I'm stuck in
I notice and am afraid of
but I cannot sleep- I want to be
w a n t e d ; talked to or something
don't let the bugs eat me tonight
part of me wants to stay alive.

I could sit and ponder,
how much longer
will I have to wait
until I'll see your face...
but I know it won't be forever
though I swear I'd wait that long.
You're the only one who truly sees me.
You make me feel real,
I'm not just an object taking up space
in this world I have a place, in your heart.

When I try to write poetry these days,
I feel tone deaf with the words I choose in some ways.
"How should I word this,
If I say that will readers catch on,
will he catch on?"
It makes me want to stop.

You make me feel so sublime,
I wish we were closer,
All the time.
I don't want to fight,
I'm missing you a lot tonight.
We're different.
But it pulls us in together.
I want to know every inch of you.

I know that I'm sensitive
and I know I can be... clingy,
hopefully you're not too bothered
by the way I blow up your phone...
sending you songs or pictures
that I've draw, that I think you'll like
or how I continuously try to write poetry
that isn't written the way it probably should be, for you.
Hopefully, you know I act the way I do
because I'm simply crazy about you.

I look back over
all of our time together,
I see the smiles,
the tears and the laughs.
everything that’s in between
is also special to our past.
The things I’ve wanted to forget,
the things that make my heart skip,
they all mix together
and give me more reasons to love you.

I miss our silent conversations
And how we would watch movies
I miss your soft and soothing voice too
But the way I treated you was wrong
I'm sorry for everything I said to you

I really miss you.

I want out of here.
Let me out,
let me disappear.
I want to turn inside out and melt,
sink into water and ripple out.
I want to go home.

I don’t have many,
but if I could take some back,
I would never have gone to that party
and I would never have stopped writing back.

Late in the night these days,
when I think of what occurred back then,
how I said nothing about it,
I can’t help but cry.

The same reaction happens
when I remember how broken I felt inside
as I’d let myself get drunk and high.
Nearly every night for weeks.

The way I pushed you out,
the way I said goodbye,
the way I curled up in that room
and prayed to something that I’d die.

I didn’t like being sick.
I hated the emptiness.
The loneliness that consumed me.
I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I just want to wake up tomorrow,
and forget these things.

Yesterday
extremely
overwhelmed
she held me
crying a lot
let go of me
she leaves
more crying
******.

There's a moment when you first wake up
when you don't remember anything
you're just awake.
In this moment you feel no pain, no worries
but as I wake up this morning
The first thought in my head is
I want to wake up next to him
Followed by sighs and turning around
I decide I'll sleep longer.

As I look back at old words I wrote, waiting for things to download, I shiver. Remembering things that occurred and how I once felt, I feel bigger. Not so bitter, like I had felt before... because now I'm more aware of who I am. I'm no longer surrounded by ridiculousness. I can't lie, that's a big part of this. The change in my environment has helped a lot. I can breathe here without always having to look behind me, and I can't describe how great of a feeling that is. I can only hope you'll understand it. I wouldn't wish my old life on anyone. Not even the ones who caused me so much pain. It's all in the past now anyways...

You tell me I have to start sleeping right
but you don't know why I'm up at night
and since when have you made decisions
about what I choose to do in my own life
the last time I remember you having a say
was way back when- before the rain came
inside my head is a war, it's been going on
for longer than you've been gone-
have no fear, this isn't your fault
it's mine for trying to rely on someone
*who is not myself.

Feeling disconnected,
from the ones who surround you each day, is sadder and scarier than being lost in the darkest of caves.

I look one way only to be turned away,
someone else is more important right now.
I search for comfort from others
who I've grown close to with time.

It's not the same.

It all becomes a very depressing pattern,
what happens over the time it takes
for you to become, locked out.
Until only special people can help.

Some people say my sad brain deceives me, I wonder if it's true?

Everything is getting blurry as
you walk away from me in fury.
So many questions run through
my mind as I take in all the times
that we've had and where we've
been. You always find new ways
to make my head spin. Knowing
that you won't be anymore tops
it all off.

That I want you to make marks on my skin...?

I'm still ripping out my eye lashes
It makes me sad.
I lay and wonder about the woes I cast
and why I feel so bad.

Reflection is a tricky thing.
It can bring up so much, but is never-ending
Like the hyphen between never and ending
Reflection is a process that loops.

You can feel as if you're on top of the world
Once you've climbed out of a pit after reflecting...
only to fall into a ravine after taking a few steps outside instead of running.

The journey to healthy is a tough one.
I feel like I'm splashing in this gorge
Flapping and flailing around,
trying to escape and get warm

Overtime, I slow down more and more
until finally, I want to give up
Succumb to the bubbles...
and perhaps, never wash up.

I think you’re amazing,
the things you do
the way you say things,
how entertained you become
when you’re fighting cassowaries.
You make me want to be better,
you teach me things, even through letters.
I’m so proud to be the person next to you.

Now that you can see I am trapped
inside of my room that contains no
way out and has basically no space
inside it only contains me, myself
and I along with some personal be-
long-ings.

As well as my bed which has nothing
underneath it.. my room has no door,
no windows and for sure, no couture.

But water is somehow seeping inside
I have no where to run, I have no where
to hide.. I'd go under my bed but water
is now causing it to float

I'm standing on top of it and avoiding
this ocean of words..

d e p r e s s e d; s p e a r s; p r e s s
anxiety; axe tiny; a net..
suicidal; a lucid is; sail...

Why can I only think of anagrams for
some of the words that I see, I'm about
to drown.. the water is smothering me.