I wish the storm would hit already
I have prepared my mind for the
upcoming tears; my bed is ready
for the unsteady mentality that I'll
be faced to deal with once you're
gone. It's hard to accept that this
is my reality; waiting for you to
realise that I'm not worth paying
attention to- not worth wasting
the warmth of your love on.
I honestly don't want to sit in this
waiting room any longer the sad
thought of you leaving me- is a
thought that I cannot handle,
and I know that soon with this
struggle I will call you at least a
billion times but hang up before
you can answer simply because
I miss you but know you're
entertained with other things;
other people. I am not a constant
need in your life, you'd be just
fine without me but without you
I am unhappy; I am wilting.
My tactless talent to treat the ones
that I truly love has acted once
again after all if I wasn't as sad
I wouldn't be writing these
withering words when I'm
well aware that you love me.

Last night I cried myself to sleep...
But tonight I'm filled with warmth
and hope to dream of you once more.

It's becoming so hard to express myself, especially here. It makes me want to crash into the ocean and disappear.

We said goodnight
Only an hour ago
My heart feels tight,
Where does the time go?

It'll only be a while longer
Before we'll be together
I know there's bruises
And scars on us too...

But I know we'll make it through.

You make my heart melt
Just by laughing with me
I can only imagine how I'll feel
While you're hugging me.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to unfold,
Stand and raise up
I'll stretch so far,
I'll touch the moon and sun.

Every star will fall,
Crashing through me
I'll never collapse again
I'll never feel the burning left by shame.

I'll expand into space's darkness
I'll know just how everything's connected
and feel I'm home once more,
and never hide my own galaxies.

I'll become space dust.

I'm sitting in a corner rocking back and forth
You were all I wanted; now I want to leave this Earth

Even if I stayed it wouldn't make much of a difference
Everytime I try to change there is no significance

Tell me, why does the clock keep ticking when my heart is breaking?
You've become so cold is that why I'm now shaking?

Now I'm floating in the middle of space drowning in hate's embrace
This world that I'm in *****! I just can't stop messing up! ******.

In my dreams
we're surrounded
at the bottom of the ocean
by a school of fish.
We're holding hands
and embracing all of it.
The light barley shining through
as the current indecisively moves,
The ocean may be deep
and sometimes spooky
but at least I'm swimming through it
with you.

I see you over there
Across the field from me
Why're you so far away,
Is this really just a dream?

The distance between us is closing
My heart is beginning to race
then I hear my alarm
and now I wear a sad face.

tears keep falling
and I'm unsure why
there are bottled up feelings
deep down inside.
This usually doesn't occur
at least not to me,
I mean sometimes I'll cry
but not continuously...
I miss so many
and the past sometimes,
can hit me.
I feel excitement for the future,
a future that has us together.
Now my throat is hurting
from this unwanted weather.

I touch the side of my face
as I shutdown my life,
my cheek is wet...
I stare straight ahead
as the screen goes black.
I sit for a moment
and cry.

Please be patient with me,
I know, sometimes I get angry
over rather stupid things.
Usually because I want your time,
your affection...
I know in the end,
we're not disconnected.

I'm still ripping out my eye lashes
It makes me sad.
I lay and wonder about the woes I cast
and why I feel so bad.

Reflection is a tricky thing.
It can bring up so much, but is never-ending
Like the hyphen between never and ending
Reflection is a process that loops.

You can feel as if you're on top of the world
Once you've climbed out of a pit after reflecting...
only to fall into a ravine after taking a few steps outside instead of running.

The journey to healthy is a tough one.
I feel like I'm splashing in this gorge
Flapping and flailing around,
trying to escape and get warm

Overtime, I slow down more and more
until finally, I want to give up
Succumb to the bubbles...
and perhaps, never wash up.

Never ending, life keeps on going.
With or without you; time will not stop
and just when you think: "I've got this"
it all turns. The world struggles- one crisis
after another, people die and we all keep
trying to find new reasons to survive.
Someone, tell me **why.

robotic
demon
that can
sound like
a kid or a man
or a dog or a wo-
man. Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Know that I love you.



PS,

Woof



PSS,

Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.H­a.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha­.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.

♥

Silent nights
Restless eyes
Quiet dreams
Capture me
Sad girl
Melodic laugh
Dreary eyes
Questionable past
Drenched in pain
Screaming skin
Wrapped up in
depression,
she is.

I haven't been sleeping as easy as I usually do.

The jellyfish you drew
that are on my wall keep moving.
They float higher and higher
until they're on the ceiling, above me.
I can't stop thinking about you.

I relive the day that you left,
Everytime I walk inside,
My heart cries.
Even though you're gone now,
I still think of you as my best friend.
Even if you don't remember,
All of the time that we spent together,
I do.

Last night I shoved a bottle of Advil down my throat as I cried, begging my insides to stop hurting, pleading for my heart to stop threatening to stop loving. Please God do not make me do this
I don't want to end it
I did love him
tell me where I went wrong
stop hurting
I regurgitate the pills and cry harder
this is not the way to handle my emotions
you need to stop hurting yourself
you've been so happy
what went wrong Rebecca?

Well it looks like I'm back in Hell
trapped within the walls that they
say I should be call-ing my home
but no, this place isn't a home to me
no where with you can ever be.

I know, it's four in the morning
and I should be sleeping,
but these thoughts I keep thinking,
they just go on endlessly.
I think about my past
and how I got to where I am,
who I want to be become,
and who I love being with.
I think about how I've grown
and about how my dog has grown  
I think of conversations I can't remember the endings to
and I remember the worst parts
of everything too.
I wonder how my distant family is doing
and whether or not they think of me too?
But near the end of this sequence
I always come back to me and you.
So you see, there are things
that keep me up late at night,
it probably would help if I just closed my eyes.

My phone buzzes and I jump
sometimes out of excitement,
sometimes out of fear,
sometimes I don't move at all
due to being sad or feeling down,
the buzz ends up ignored.

I miss our silent conversations
And how we would watch movies
I miss your soft and soothing voice too
But the way I treated you was wrong
I'm sorry for everything I said to you

I really miss you.

There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.

Grab my face in your hands,
And kiss me as if the Sun were pulling us in.
Imagine it's really the end,
And hold me close to you.
Now we're trapped inside of a flooding room..
When you see me, for the first time..
(When I see you, for the first time..)
Pull me into your arms and don't let go.
(I'll pull you close to me, and refuse to let you go.)
But just know, it's only because I love you so..

I'm awake once again,
In the middle of the night
I can't get back to sleep
I don't feel too alright,

I'm shaking and tired
I wish you were here
My head is spinning
Is this out of fear?

I don’t have many,
but if I could take some back,
I would never have gone to that party
and I would never have stopped writing back.

Late in the night these days,
when I think of what occurred back then,
how I said nothing about it,
I can’t help but cry.

The same reaction happens
when I remember how broken I felt inside
as I’d let myself get drunk and high.
Nearly every night for weeks.

The way I pushed you out,
the way I said goodbye,
the way I curled up in that room
and prayed to something that I’d die.

I didn’t like being sick.
I hated the emptiness.
The loneliness that consumed me.
I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I just want to wake up tomorrow,
and forget these things.

I could sit and ponder,
how much longer
will I have to wait
until I'll see your face...
but I know it won't be forever
though I swear I'd wait that long.
You're the only one who truly sees me.
You make me feel real,
I'm not just an object taking up space
in this world I have a place, in your heart.

Sitting at the table with these people who claim they're my family
We're not complete right now there are people who're missing
I don't want to be near any of you so please leave me
You all have hurt me so many times in fact too many
Anxiety is real if you don't know that then you can't know me,
So stop pretending and let me carry on my plan of  not existing.

Everything is fine
just close your eyes.
Slowly drift away
don't worry about a thing.
Once you're asleep,
those feelings will melt away
and you will wake up
in a brand new day.

You could tell me anything
And I'd believe you always
"Rebecca you're left handed."
"Oh, I never noticed, really?"

"Oh, wait..."
Yeah, I'd probably fall for it.
I'd take the bait,
but it's only because I trust you,
and believe the things you say.

I think you were sent to me by an angel
To teach me a lesson about my value
You illuminated paths I couldn't see within
Who knew you'd lead me to where I've never been

When you first disappeared,
Fear gripped me tight.
I was left broken
Without a star in the night

When you returned, my hope was reignited
but my fears would cause a lot of damage.
Now you're here, but not quite near,
Your silence echoing, forcing me to steer

Giving me the time and space
to really hear everything you once said
to let myself listen and internalize it
how valuable I am

I look back over
all of our time together,
I see the smiles,
the tears and the laughs.
everything that’s in between
is also special to our past.
The things I’ve wanted to forget,
the things that make my heart skip,
they all mix together
and give me more reasons to love you.

Some people say my sad brain deceives me, I wonder if it's true?

I know that I'm sensitive
and I know I can be... clingy,
hopefully you're not too bothered
by the way I blow up your phone...
sending you songs or pictures
that I've draw, that I think you'll like
or how I continuously try to write poetry
that isn't written the way it probably should be, for you.
Hopefully, you know I act the way I do
because I'm simply crazy about you.

What the **** is wrong with me?
I'm itching at my skin
trying to keep out of
this snare that is baiting me in
I'm so paranoid, I'm not sure
where I should start to begin
anything that moves inside of
this tiny room that I'm stuck in
I notice and am afraid of
but I cannot sleep- I want to be
w a n t e d ; talked to or something
don't let the bugs eat me tonight
part of me wants to stay alive.

Up until my eyes are bloodshot.
I think about my life until my stomach is in knots,
I feel sad, happy, mad, sometimes it gets confusing.
In the end I do fall asleep but tomorrow I know what's awaiting me.

You make me feel so sublime,
I wish we were closer,
All the time.
I don't want to fight,
I'm missing you a lot tonight.
We're different.
But it pulls us in together.
I want to know every inch of you.

When I try to write poetry these days,
I feel tone deaf with the words I choose in some ways.
"How should I word this,
If I say that will readers catch on,
will he catch on?"
It makes me want to stop.

I think you’re amazing,
the things you do
the way you say things,
how entertained you become
when you’re fighting cassowaries.
You make me want to be better,
you teach me things, even through letters.
I’m so proud to be the person next to you.

As I look back at old words I wrote, waiting for things to download, I shiver. Remembering things that occurred and how I once felt, I feel bigger. Not so bitter, like I had felt before... because now I'm more aware of who I am. I'm no longer surrounded by ridiculousness. I can't lie, that's a big part of this. The change in my environment has helped a lot. I can breathe here without always having to look behind me, and I can't describe how great of a feeling that is. I can only hope you'll understand it. I wouldn't wish my old life on anyone. Not even the ones who caused me so much pain. It's all in the past now anyways...

I want out of here.
Let me out,
let me disappear.
I want to turn inside out and melt,
sink into water and ripple out.
I want to go home.

Now that you can see I am trapped
inside of my room that contains no
way out and has basically no space
inside it only contains me, myself
and I along with some personal be-
long-ings.

As well as my bed which has nothing
underneath it.. my room has no door,
no windows and for sure, no couture.

But water is somehow seeping inside
I have no where to run, I have no where
to hide.. I'd go under my bed but water
is now causing it to float

I'm standing on top of it and avoiding
this ocean of words..

d e p r e s s e d; s p e a r s; p r e s s
anxiety; axe tiny; a net..
suicidal; a lucid is; sail...

Why can I only think of anagrams for
some of the words that I see, I'm about
to drown.. the water is smothering me.